Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Halloween Hangover

Three years ago, I analyzed all of the candidates running for President by determining what beverage they would be, if they were the drink that best enbodies their personality, policies and the consequences of their possible election. If you want to read it, click here. This time around, to keep things fresh, I'm going with candy.  

President Obama: The man gave out fruit this year.  Sure it's a once a year celebration, sure everyone expects/wants candy.  They gave out dried fruit mixes.  You know what normally happens to houses that give out bags or boxes of raisins, cranberries and dates? That's right! He should expect to wake up to a White House T.P'd but good. He should also know that probably the Secret Service and possibly his own daughters supplied the materials.

Rick Perry: Wants us to believe we've found Mr. Goodbar.  More like a Nestle Crunch.  Not bad. Not great.  Funny aftertaste afterwards that makes one circumspect on the whole thing. What are those crunchy bits?  We'd like him better without those puffy additives.

Michelle Bachmann: Now I admit, I liked Michelle to start.  Anyone willing to take on being a foster parent to 23 children has to have some serious stuff, courage and stick-to-it-ness that is nothing but admirable.  But she doesn't have the polish to come across as mainstream.  So I'm going to go with Mounds.  Not because sometimes you feel like a nut, but because as good as a Mounds bar is, we don't actually go to the store to buy one.  They're just a pleasant surprise on occasion to experience.  But it's just unusual no matter what.

Mitt Romney: Twizzler. No one gets psyched over the candy that isn't chocolate, but it's still candy. So you take it and say "Thank you. Happy Halloween!" and hope the next house is giving out better stuff.

Herman Cain:$100,000 Bar.  Undervalued, probably should have another zero attatched to be competitive and in keeping with the times. There's a lot there to like; he's real. Like Bachmann, perhaps not polished enough to be a first tier confection.   Like Bachmann, not something you sought but worthy find if you get one in your bag.  There are still questions, like why he keeps suggesting that you should learn to love Twizzlers.

Newt Gingrich: Milky Way.  Thinks it's Snickers.  It isn't.  Not Even Close.  If that's all that's left, you'll eat if if you need a hit of chocolate, but you'll be disappointed and the scale will still hate you afterwards and you will too.

Jon Huntsman: Skor.  Most people don't know about him.  But those that like it, are passionate about it.  They're just a very very limited pool of individuals and others are wary.

Rick Santorum: Three Muskateers Bar. There's nothing wrong with the candy per se, it's just whatever it is, it isn't sufficent, even if the serving is full size and not one of those minis.

Ron Paul: Sky Bar.  A confection of chocolate, caramel, vanilla, fudge and peanutbutter.  You like, maybe even love some of it, but not all.  And the part you don't like, you either really don't like and/or are possibly fatally allergic to, and as such, won't tolerate. 

Gary  Johnson, Fred Karger, Andy Martin, Jimmy McMillan, Tom Miller, Buddy Roemer, Matt Snyder and Vern Wuensche:  You know those candies that get passed at at some home that you visit because you're going for bulk and you knock and the stuff you get is small, unidentifyable and has the whiff of having sat on a shelf for somewhere over two years?  Yeah.  That stuff never gets opened. It never gets eaten. There are no reports of massive food poisoning as a result of exposure, but that may be because no one willingly tries these unknown and possibly inedible items.  They just get tossed the next day after the great sorting of all the good stuff has taken place. 

After considering all the possible fruits and candies, I think I'll scream for Ice Cream. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What? No snickers?

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!