Silenced by Noise

What we do we become, what we think, we act upon, what we believe, we profess in our everyday actions, thoughts and words.  So...what happens when we engage in silence? It depends upon if the silence is to shut people out, or if it is to invite others including God, in. 

My mind is a busy noisy stupid thing.  It runs from the profound like the sentence above, to the utterly mundane like the theme song of "My Little Pony" because my kids watch it, to the drab --today we need to go to the drycleaner, schedule carpet cleaning, fold and I need to check my calendar.  But what it rarely is, is quiet.  If I get quiet in the mind, it is a bit alarming even to me.  Silence usually equals sleep.

So the fact that my head has been lapsing into quiet, seeking quiet, was brought into contrast this weekend by the amount of activity and noise that surrounded us.  When I got to the last event on Sunday, a swimming party, there were lots of people around.  Being in the presence of others almost immediately makes me happy.  I so want to join in.  But my social skills are gregarious and still despite 45 years, a bit over the top.  Being in the presence of ten people to manage, that noisy clutziness gets muted because then the focus is other oriented.  But absent the crush of that many others, I get loud and sometimes talk when I should listen and I know I can amuse, but what I want is friends. 

Talking with the women, one of them said, "If she ever felt overwhelmed by her schedule, she would just think of me." and I felt the chasm, the distance between us which I never sought, which seems insurmountable.  I was just trying to tell about the craziness of this particular weekend.  It happened to be tremendously full.  But the story had become a barrier which left me muted the rest of the party, wondering how to become friends with all these lovely people who had fresh eyes because this was their first or their only.  I wanted their stories, their take on things, because I did not want to miss any of the bright shiny penny moments of my own and that might happen if I allowed myself to become jaded. 

It's a known fact, I talk too much. Even blogging is a form of monologuing.  Even route prayer.  I let the words fill up my mind and as such, I crowd out others.  It's not that God can't work on me through this, but He wants more and that more can only come if I am stiller.  So today, is an internet silence day.  I'll check back tomorrow.  I'm sure if I let myself listen, there will be lots of stories to hear.