What We Should Do

 We've almost made it a year.  

Some of us received covid shots, others remain at home, but this year of cloistered living, it's changed us in ways we do not yet know.  It's visible in the grocery stores. People don't go in there relaxed, they go into the stores in a rush, they do not make eye contact and they do not stop.  It's visible when you visit a college campus, and the pick up football or students sitting together or walking holding hands, isn't visible.   

Tonight, for some reason, we needed out, out of the routine, out of the house, just out.  So we drove to the drive thru of a local establishment and ordered ice cream.  It was a little thing, and yet restorative of something of the reality we miss, the reality we've not known since March 12th of 2020.   

How do we reset our psyches?  I am not really worried about it, once we don't have to worry about it.  I'm certain we will rejoice almost excessively once we can go to a football game, dance or store without masks, and can do the ordinary things of ordinary life like errands and dates and birthday parties out in the world without risking our families or ourselves.   

It's the time between then and now that will be the hardest.  This is no longer new. The trick is to not try to do more than today until tomorrow is today.  We do have to do it again the next day and the next and the next, but by doing so, we won't gnash our teeth at how long we've endured this, we will instead focus on the battles of the day we face and no others.   It will mean we spend less time cursing the battles we've already fougth and won or lost.   It will mean, we do not despair because of how long this is taking to "flatten the curve," but hope because we've made it so far.   

We've made it so far...we've made it so far.  We've made it so far, getting ice cream in a drive thru felt like a rebellion, like a form of defiance, of manufactured triumph.  We will make it...and when we do, we should all sign a baseball with the year and the date we emerge from this mess, because we succeeded.  

Move!

Yesterday, I mentioned moving day.  Today, I'm thinking about moving but in a different way. 

So I started Lent, I've already messed up every day, and yet, that's the purpose of Lent, to be reminded every day of how much we pretend we don't need saving, how much we deny, we need saving.  The best Lents aren't when we adhere to whatever our Lenten promise is perfectly, but when we are perfected by the trial of seeking to adhere to it in the first place.  

What we do matters, and yet like receiving, how and why we do it matters too.   The matter of our sacrifice matters.  That's why sacarments have an unbearably physical element to them, an undenyable physical reality.  

It's the everyday progress, that comes with acknowledging how much we regress, that makes for true humility --can't do this without grace, not even for a second.   It's the everyday little surrenders that make up whole splinters of a cross that over a lifetime, is the whole cross. The nails of our life are those big moments, where we were given the opportunity to say yes or no to Christ, and the crown we weave, is of all the times we've managed to cooperate with grace and the world hated us for it, and our keen awareness of all the times we failed to love those around us --all the moments we could have cooperated with grace and did not.  We get to offer all our failures to Christ, along with a humble, "I am sorry, I am nothing but a poor ungrateful servant.  Here I am Lord, do with me what you will."   

This past week, many in my family were reminded of what most of us take for granted, heat, power, water and food.   This week, many in our nation were reminded, our world is much more fragile than nature, and this past twelve months, our nature, much more fragile than we believe.   

We are always practicing Catholics, even when our practice sounds terrible, even when we screw up, especially when we don't recognize we're screwing up.  God knows this, God tells us over and over again, He knows this.  He compares us to sheep.  That's not flattering. It is however, a reality.  

This week, I sat thinking about spiritual practice and discpline being like weight loss --the most success is when we stop looking at the problem as something to be solved, and instead embrace it as a way to live.   The same is true for spiritual exercise.   When it is part of breathing, we are closer to "doing it well" because we aren't doing something to check off a box, but as part of an ever on going progression.   

Editing, parenting, writing, exercise, prayer, all of these things are the cumulative consequence of a regular constant willingness to do and do again and be willing to do poorly but do every day.   

So with that in mind, I'm going to go edit my book and go for a short exercise...if only to start.   
Because all of these habits require first, foremost and always, my cooperation, and none of these will happen if I do not will to do them.   That includes Lent.  

The desert everywhere is calling.  Inviting us to will to go into it.   Lent is the time to be willing to move.   

Moving Day is Coming

 It's been in the works for a while now, but Chocolate For Your Brain! is moving to Patheos.   

I'll let you know when exactly, but all of these posts will migrate there once it's up and running.  Back in September, I'd been considered.  Now, after a few months of trying to figure out what to do, or how to do it, the hour approaches.   

Why am I doing this?  

Well, first, to get myself back in the writing spirit, where five hundred words doesn't feel like a push.  Second, to become part of a community of writers again, which would in turn spark my own brain to jog around the park.  Covid-19 makes everything laggy and saggy, including humor and a joyful witness...so I'm packing up and joining Patheos --a faith based website with multiple channels including one labeled, Catholic.   I think I qualify.    

What's been going on lately? 

Well, I've been teaching, I've been fretting about all my family in Texas, and it's very icy here and the snow blower decided it was too much work to clear our driveway so it quit on the maiden voyage, leaving all of us with our backs to take care of the rest.   

What really gets me is all that work doesn't amount to much of a calorie burn, only a sore back.   

In the meantime, I'm doing Lent...it's awkward like most Lents, where the recognition, you've already messed up tends to tempt one to not simply start over again.   But I'm trying...and I'm going to go on trying.   

What else are you doing?  I'm supposed to be editing.  I've found I can get the bills paid, organize lesson plans, fold clothes and do dishes and will, before I start tackling that stack...but I need to...so I paid a visit to Barnes and Noble today, to remind myself of the goal.   When I see all the stacks of books, it's  a reminder of all those who managed to see it through to the end.   It makes me wonder how many others have a stack like mine.  

It also makes me want to either a) declare a it's my week, hole up in the computer room and tell everyone to bring me food and remind me to shower until it's done  or b) cry and panic and put it off some more or c) beg everyone to remind me to edit every day until it's done.   I know, it should be c).   
I just stress ate the last of my emergency chocolate thinking about editing.   Now I really don't have any excuses.   

I'm thinking of exercising...that really tells you how much I don't want to edit.    
However I know, the only way it gets better is if I look at it.  It's like a swimsuit I don't want to put on, because I know how it's going to look.      

Moving day is coming.  In the meantime, I'll be over here, editing and trying not to cry at the reality, I should have hit the gym a long time ago, both literally and figuratively with this manuscript.  

What I Love About the Season to Come

 Confession is good for the soul.  I stink at fasting.  Really.  I forget.  I overpromise God and I fail...a lot.  If we measure Lent by adhering to one's promise to God, I am a faithless human being most of the time...and Lent, being bigger than my grandest ambitions is a great teacher of humility, because my flesh is weak weak weak.   

Success at Lent measured by letting God lead me, those stick out like jewels...volunteering in college one year, going to daily mass another, calling my sister every day to say a "Hail Mary," and one year (just one), where I gave up chocolate for the whole year, as a form of prayer.  So right now, you'll see tons of articles about "how to make this the best Lent ever" and "On beyond chocolate..." and the like.   I'm going to tell you, discernment about what God wants to give you, is part of the process.   My best Lenten plans have come from God, not me.   

What Lent teaches you, depends upon how much you're willing to listen.  Lent at the start typically has me doing a lot of talking.   This year I'm going to...and I pile on..and I read an article and that sounds good so I add to it...and I think of something I've been meaning to do, and I add it, and my Lenten promises become a virtual buffet of spiritual ambition. What all my Lents up to now have taught me, is I haven't changed since elementary school.  Sherry is very enthusiastic and creative, but she talks in class.  

Fortumately, I haven't worn out Christ like I did my teachers during school.   

One thing I know, often what God wants to tell us is the opposite of our plans.  So I'm going to try and do the opposite of my normal approach of picking everything from the menu.   I'm picking one thing.  I'm also normally talk or write of my plans for Lent.  It's a natural response of a writer, to use everything as grist for the mill.  Surrendering that temptation, to talk about it, to share it, is part of the process of trying to invert or subvert my own proclivities.  

My writing brain is already pitching a royal fit. If you don't write it down, you won't remember it.  If you don't tell others, they won't remind you.   I already know, it's the right call because of that reaction.  So, if you want to know what I love about Lent, it's that it is always an opportunity to be led, we just have to follow, and trust that this desert season is necessary for our souls, and the one leading us, will see us through safely if we allow Him.   

Get ready for Lent. Ash Wednesday is February 17th.   Ask God to help you listen and follow Him into the desert.  

What Do We Do Now?

A Good Discourse

So I'm doing a workshop "Called and Gifted," and one of the things they want us to do, is the opposite of what we tend to, what we have over the course of our lifetime, programed ourselves to respond.  I've mostly learned in the past three weeks, that I'm responding to life with a sense of anxiety I've never known before.   

Intellecually, I understand it.  For the past year, fight or flight has been answered one way, flight.  Learning to not view everything as a threat will take time, and as the pandemic is not over, it will also be only half true.   But the question keeps forming in my mind, so I'm writing about it to discover both how to respond and what I actually think.  I swear, my brain is in my fingertips and no where else.   

It's been three weeks since the conference, hard to believe. We took a break, and honestly, for me, everything stopped. Part of my stress at that point, was the return to school of two of my children. I hadn't realized how secure I felt with all the birds in one place, until two left. The world felt more fragile, because they weren't all here. The world felt less connected because part of my community wasn't fully present in my home. The pandemic hurt less for the past eleven months because all twelve of us were in one spot. That time is ending. They weren't more fragile or less for leaving, it was me. I began hunting for what I needed to feel less fragile. There were a lot of loose ends, things I needed to finish...my book, the conference...just lots of little details that all nagged. So... I went back to the page and there's a link for those interested in continuing the discussion of how to promote and maintain civil discussion online and in real life. It needs to happen outside of a conference, it needs to happen as an ongoing reality. As we reopen, we're going to have to relearn these social skills we've let slide over the months of pandemic. Our emotional muscles atrophied in this time away, and our emotional strength to bear the ordinary. I don't believe it's just me.

We're going to discover how a year of Lent changed how we see things, how we feel out there outside of our homes. "It's a dangerous business Frodo, going out your front door." --and until everyone is vaccinated and this disease is stamped out, it will be. There will always be risk, that we will hurt someone else inadvertendly by carelessness, or by omission and callousness.

Being careful with others, both physically and mentally, will be a sacrifice. It will be an act of love, of willing the good of the other, to wear masks and maintain social distance. We need need to remember that we ourselves, (all of us), at this point, are fragile. We don't often recognize that fragility, because we're used to pretending at all times, that we're not.

All the more reason for promoting "A Good Discourse," because we need to recognize first, last and always, that behind every screen is a soul, and our own souls are damaged in addition to others, when we give in to temper, wrath, snark, gossip, lies and indifference. We're all in this together, and we'll only weather this by creating deliberate fellowship and hold true. Think I'm going to hold a marathon LOTR now...

Here's the link: A Good Discourse

On My Soapbox!

 Brace yourself.  I'm angry.   

Back on March 13th, of 2020, we closed the buildings of schools but kept teaching.   We taught virtually, but we did everything we could to attempt to give them as much as we could in the time we were given.  We taught summer school virtually.  We taught first semester virtually. We're still doing it.  Teachers are trying to teach.   

Multiple vaccinations now exist.  They've been slow to roll out, but they exist.  
We've managed to wait this long, why the push to have us go forward to open before we've had a chance to get the vaccination?  We get that things are hard but here's what I want to bring up as a point.  This is a link to where Corona Virus is spreading more.  

Corona Virus Update across the 50 States

Here's a  site that shows where schools are open.  

Across the States School Openings/Closings

I'll wait.   

As I look at them, where is the spread being contained?  (0-21 per day infection).  
Hawaii, Guam and North Dakota.    Maryland and DC are going down, they're still a rate of 21 and 23 per 100K respectively. 

Where is it exploding?  New York, California, Texas, Illinois, where more schools are open, where there is less continuity of policy across the state, where there has been tremendous pressure to go back to normal.   

The world right now is not normal. 

Next, I looked at the metrics for our county because I've studied that throughout the pandemic. 

In January, the metrics exploded.  Why?   Think about it.   It makes sense the infection rate rose because people got together for Christmas, for New Year's, for Kwanza, for Hanaukkah, and/or took vacations over Winter break.  If you look at the metrics for the rate of infection detected, (here's the link), the pattern emerges.  The infection rate in November rose because of Halloween and Election Day.  The infection rate in December rose because of all the holidays I mentioned.   There aren't holidays in January that involve travel or big events.   The rate has decreased.  

 I also looked at the rate of infection  of now versus the summer, and our current rate, while trending down, is still above the rate observed and recorded during June, July and August.  Past trending is no promise of future, and the major challenge of this pandemic, is as we open up, we increase the likelihood of infection.   The metrics aren't secure at this point or indicative of safety, but merely of where we are today. 

The reality is, right now Maryland looks good because it is more cautious than other states. 

If it jumps the gun, following the Governor's proposals, (which I suspect is putting tremendous pressure on the local municipalities), the consequence will be lives.  I'm not trying to be melodramatic. I'm stating the reality.  We all have family with mitigating health conditions that would be severely compromised by Covid.   

If we're willing to show leadership and finish this year, we should have the time and allocations to ensure everyone who can be vaccinated, get vaccinated by the start of the new school year, and while it won't be popular, we'll be doing what's hard and what's right.   

What's hard and what's right is seldom popular. 

But this decision to force a re-opening is tripping and quitting with the finish line in sight. 

As a school system, county and state, we can get every adult vaccinated, and we can begin again provided we're willing to be patient.  We can even get all the parents of those kids vaccinated as part of the enrollment process for next year.  We just have to decide, everybody matters more than test scores and that we can't have good outcomes if students are at risk by coming to school. 

Let me state the reality.  I get that teaching virtually is hard hard hard hard hard.  I've done it this past year and it's hard.   Let me say, I want to return to the classroom because I want to be engaging my students.  I want to have my kids in school too.  However, I'm not willing to bet their future lives on an impulsive present.  I'm fine with redshirting everyone and going another year. We'll all emerge stronger, smarter and wiser, and alive.   At the end of the day, how many kids families are we betting on being impatient?  Because one is too many, and many more than one will be affected. 

Thank you for listening.  Be safe. Be smart, and let's finish this the right way. 

 

A Memory that Keeps Hearts Going

Holy Thursday, 2000

At 5 AM, my dad is in a bed with an IV, being prepped for surgery. My brother and I are in Maryland preparing to fly down. My brother and sister who live in Texas are by my mom and dad's side.

They pray with him, laugh with him, hold his hand and sing "Dona Nobis Pachem," and then, maybe because Dad is doped up, maybe because he sees how worried they are, maybe becase Dad doesn't like when others are worried, they keep singing songs...some Kingstron Trio, some other stuff, but the song that my mom tells me about, is the Wild (not Gypsy) Rover.

Mom said that people stopped and listened. (Dad used to sing this song to her when they were dating, or as he would say, courting). So here people are preparing for emergency quadruple by-pass surgery, and the family preparing is singing Irish drinking songs.

My brother told me, nursing staff were crying at the scene;

the broken voices, constant eye contact, prayerful, off key, on key, sotto voce, loud sniffles, self abasement, constant hand holding.

Dad drifted to sleep.

Then my brother went to the chapel, prayed a rosary, cursed at God, implored him, and it's all a blur. All he could remember was Dad scratching out on a sheet of paper upon waking and seeing all of us, "My cup runneth over."

And it did. The story itself has earned a spot in our family lore both for the response to suffering, and for the great healing of telling it. Today I told the story to a friend who is facing a similar challenge and she felt alone because she recently lost someone very important to her heart, to her family.

I told her I would post this story, pray for her, and invite others to do the same, and if you can, around 10:30, sing in the off tune, out of tune or perfect pitch voice you have, the Gyspy Rover for my friend, so as she sleeps, she knows the Church Militant (here), and the Church Triumphant (The saints) and the Church Suffering (those who perhaps played the Wild Rover for many a year) are praying with her and are with her in this trial.

And my brother shared with me a video of Dad singing with him on Christmas, 2012. He died on Ash Wednesday of 2014. When I married, he sang the Notre Dame Fight song to me to help me calm down before walking down the aisle. (I was shaking). I suspect he's singing to each person as they enter for the same reason.