Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Cheers in Iowa

You know the Cheer’s test for the Presidency. “Would you sit down and have a beer with the guy?” It’s the “X” factor that determines who voters find attractive and who they don’t.

Back in 2004, no one could visualize John Kerry ever sitting down for a beer at a bar. Watching the poor guy try to eat a Philly cheese steak sandwich with the blue collar regulars was physically painful, whether or not you supported the man married to a Ketchup heiress. Everyone could see George Bush ordering a beer. Bubba –no problem, he’s bringing the keg. Dole, not likely, maybe in his early years.

Because this test is done with every candidate, I thought I’d propose a new test, ala the famous never asked If You were a Tree question of Barbara Walters’ fame, with my speculation about the answers.

For those of you that hate politics, I live just outside the beltway, it's our version of Reality TV and with the writer's strike...

Anyway, feel free to invent your own to suit your own political views, they will be as relevant and meaningful as the Cheers test; they just won’t make the evening news.

If the political candidates were beverages, what would they be?

Giuliani –I thought about a cheap gag like a Manhattan, but Rudi in his hour of glory was like a perfect James Bond Martini, shaken not stirred. He’s still a martini, it’s just I don’t olive him.

Huckabee –Rootbeer. I cannot outdo the master on this, Quark in Deep Space Nine describes the beverage and the Federation in this manner: “Bubbly, cloy. Happy. But here’s the thing... if you drink enough of it, you start to like it.” Insidious, like the Federation…

Romney Like a Pepsi, peevishly sulking at anyone who likes Coke.

Ron Paul: RC cola. People are always surprised that they like it as much as they do, but no one buys it instead.

McCain: You know how microwaving coffee doesn’t make it taste fresh? McCain is like that cup of coffee you put down to answer the phone and then forgot where you put it and found three hours later. You don’t want to nuke it, you want a fresh cup.

Thompson: Water. From the tap. Sitting in a tea cup with a bag of Darjeeling on the side, waiting for some heat. No one’s interested in drinking it. Not even him.

Hunter: Caffiene Free Generic Brand Diet Soda. You can drink it but in heaven's name why?

Tancredo: Tab. Didn't even know it was still served in some places.

Clinton: It would be so easy to do something with bitters or a vodka stinger, but the truth is, she’s like triple expresso straight. No sugar, no cream, no enhanced flavorings to soften the pure hit of hot dark stuff that causes uncontrolled tremors for hours. You will spend the night sleepless.

Obama: Barrack may be more likable than the Hilster but he has the same policy ideas with a younger hipper more palatable package. Ergo, he’s like a starbucks Venti cappachino with an extra shot of syrup and cream. You’ll look cool. It will cost a lot, and you’ll still shake afterwards, but it goes down better.

Edwards: A Wine cooler who thinks he’s champagne. Artificially enhanced air infused wine with a splashy marketing technique. So 80's it's wrong. Everyone thinks they like such things…until they drink them.

Kucinich: Ovaltine. He thinks he’s Hot Chocolate. He thinks he’s popular. I don’t know a soul who says, “More Ovaltine Please!” without receiving a large check as compensation.

Richardson: Remember Urban Cowboy? It was supposed to do for Country Western what Saturday Night Fever did for Discothèques. They even had a brand of mechanical bull and a brand name beer lined up for the surge in Gilly’s across the nation. It never happened. No one knows what an America run by Richardson would be like, but you can bet his two supporters probably have been drinking Richardson’s last stash of Gilly beer.

Dodd: Pepsi One, taste like Pepsi, less of a caffiene hit than warm milk, can't order it anywhere and nobody asks for it by name.

Gravel: Who? Guessing here. Store brand diet soda. Invisible, undesirable, unpalatable.

Biden: Red Bull. It has energy, it has caffeine. It has a lousy slogan and no one willingly chugs this stuff unless they have to pull an all-nighter in college to finish a big term paper.

Waitress at the diner in Iowa: "Now, what will you have?"

“Diet Coke please.”


Larramie said...

These are wonderful and so inspired. Thank you for the :o)'s!

Diesel said...

I don't think a Mormon can be Pepsi.

Christine said...

These are perfect.

And you know, I love Tab. And I'd be very happy with a cup of hot water and a tea bag.

Christine said...


Funny, though: I love Tab (and wish it were around more), and I love to make my own hot tea (and don't see why people need the big fuss--come on! it's just tea!).

Bet you wouldn't believe about the associated candidates.

Ello said...

That was great! I want a Diet Coke also. Please, no substitutions.

Although I like ovaltine and tab and water is the drink of choice in my house. Maybe, like the candidates themselves, drinks are subjective. But you nailed Mccain and the overheated nasty old coffee.

CandlestickJay said...

Quite amusing. Everyone does like starbucks - might be why Obama finished first.

But I disagree about Gravel, not that it matters. He's more like....a J2o. Fruity, with a bit of a buzz, but so special you've probably never even heard of him, and if you have, you are too scared to give him a try.


I love all of the blogness by the way. Makes me giggle. Cheers.

Texas Fan said...

Loved the article, but suddenly, I am no longer thirsty. How long can I go without drinking anything? Aren't there anymore choices out there? Is anyone listening? Texas Fan

Mark Jabo said...

hehe! Excellent. I'll never be able to shop for drinks again without thinking of the political ramifications of my choices.

Too bad Bill Clinton isn't running again. He could be Gatorade..."is it in you?"

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!