Not So New News

By now the news is not new. ABC is setting up shop in the White House to produce its daily dose of cheerleading for the sitting President and his party. So the question must be asked, by the networks that have not been chosen. “What exactly does a network have to do to get a primo spot like that around here?” It’s not like CBS, NBC, MSNBC, and CNN weren’t swooning at the commander in chief’s every utterance.

Keith Olberman commiserated with Chris Matthews over sample Prozacs and a few stiff drinks. “I felt the thrill; I would have felt it every night for him.” He sobbed into his double martini. “I still do man…”Keith was sticking to the harder stuff and working on a way to blame Bush or Sarah Palin for the journalistic coup using Twitter. “How can I convey the level of incompetency and my complete loathing in only 140 characters? It’s not enough even for a haiku!”

The Newsweek editor Evan Thomas was spotted wondering the halls of his office building in shock. “I believed. Didn’t I believe enough? D’oh. It was that “sort of” hesitation. I should have just declared him god and been done with it. Doubt. That was my downfall. He found my lack of faith disturbing.”

So ABC’s Charlie Gibson shall deliver the nightly news from the blue room. But let’s call this show what it really is, the ultimate reality television survivor show minus annoying television host, Jeff Probst. Coming soon, “O-44-24” because Jack Bauer isn’t man enough for the job, there’s the President. Seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year, every second of every day, we’ll cover him so you too can appreciate the profound historic nature of his every breath, his every thought, his every pondering moment.

Watch as the President goes to a soccer game. (Gasp!) As he orders burgers. (Sigh). As he puts his feet up on the desk to make phone calls. (This is presidential; this is what it is all about). As he swats a fly with ninja type accuracy and his cat like reflexes! And for sweeps week, Date Night! And a bonus trip abroad to some place where he and his family can kick back and relax, maybe take that shirt off to show how buff he is.

Does anyone think that there wouldn’t be a mass media revolt if Fox News had set up shop inside the Bush Oval Office? Does anyone not think they would have declared it a puppet media mouthpiece of the President? Does anyone not think that every left wing/liberal would be excoriating the blogosphere and airways about the inherent unsavory relationship between the press and the people in power if this had taken place? They would have been right to do so, but they are not squawking now because the parrots of ABC shall repeat what they believe and what the Administration wants us to hear, all in the name of access and transparency.

But it’s not too late. The other networks could come up with something even better. There must be a way to prove themselves greater toadies than the American Broadcasting Company.

So here’s my proposal. Don’t even say any news. Don’t air any programs. Just line up the stars to offer their lauds to our current president every hour, all day and all night long, until everyone, men, women and children, dogs and cats, birds and worms, all manner of bacterial life start to chant over and over again, “Obama Rocks.”

During the commercials for movies no one watches and cars no one buys, have a rolling screed along the bottom, “Obama is good. Obama is Great. We Love Him. We Love Him More than ABC. We Love Him more than our spouses, our offspring and our dogs.”

Then, we can call Jeff Probst to conduct the ultimate survivor series over the course of a single year. “Which Media Outlet Loves Him Most.” Losers get voted out into the island of Bermuda where they can suffer being marooned on a tropical island that most people pay good money to go visit.

November 5, 2008

I wrote this for my kids but decided to put it up here as well.

Today is November 5, 2008. Yesterday, we were Republicans. Today, we are Americans. President Elect Barrack Obama will lead our country in what is a historic presidency not simply by virtue of the color of his skin, but by the margin by which he won the Electoral College vote and the public enthusiasm he envoked.

We fought for McCain and Palin as hard as finances and time would allow, but the country was angry with President Bush. And since they could not punish him, they punished his party instead. The War on Terror, the economic crisis, the housing collapse, the failure in Katrina, all of these problems, plus a few besides, combined with the organizational network of groups like MoveOn.org and the non-stop cheerleading by the media, made the fact that McCain came close at all in the polls, an amazing accomplishment.

Most of you were asleep when Senator McCain gave a gracious concession speech. I am sorry you were not able to hear it, for I found it both healing and heartening. He was and remains an honorable man, whom I believe would have made a good president.

Our party lost. It is not the first time this has happened and it won’t be the last. I know for some of you, this will sting a great deal. I hope it does not put you off of politics or of fighting the good fight. If you play a sport, you know that sometimes, sometimes even when you play your guts out, you don’t win. You also know that there is always another season, and that one loss does not mean you stop loving the game or quit playing. Politics is a blood sport because people put their hearts on the line, both behind principles and people. It hurts to lose. But there will be other elections. So what is important is not to lose heart. Not to allow any frustration or irritation you have at not being on the winning side to so color your judgment that you refuse to allow yourself the possibility of feeling this pain again, by not caring as much.

The president will need our prayers and our support, so will Congress, so will our Country. One of the hallmarks of our nation is the peaceful transition of power and we hold that to be important. This does not mean we will acquiesce our values; only that we wish the new President and new government officials well in their duties and we honor their positions of elected trust to uphold the public good. We will still fight for those ideals we found compelling enough to campaign for, to vote for, and which for us are not negotiable truths. But President Obama deserves our respect and the opportunity to earn our trust, for he has garnered the Nation’s. He has asked for and received the great honor and heavy burden of presidency.

Watching the television and even simply walking the halls of this hospital, I see the proud faces of people who have often been down trodden. I see joyous faces of people who have felt much and suffered much at the hands of immoral people who allowed hate to take over because it had the support of law. Those joyous faces are a great thing. Perhaps now, we can finally close the chapter of our country on racism and bigotry holding a minority down. I truly hope so. I hope one day, we can also close the bloody chapter on abortion in this country for the same reason.

You are blessed to live in a country that takes risks and aspires to greatness. You are blessed to live in a country that tries to live up to ideals. Being peopled by human beings, we often miss the mark in our words, our deeds and our laws, but we still keep pouring our hearts out trying. We always keep trying.

So support your new president and continue speaking out on what is right, true and beautiful; for that my children, is what it really means to be an American.

Cheers in Iowa

You know the Cheer’s test for the Presidency. “Would you sit down and have a beer with the guy?” It’s the “X” factor that determines who voters find attractive and who they don’t.

Back in 2004, no one could visualize John Kerry ever sitting down for a beer at a bar. Watching the poor guy try to eat a Philly cheese steak sandwich with the blue collar regulars was physically painful, whether or not you supported the man married to a Ketchup heiress. Everyone could see George Bush ordering a beer. Bubba –no problem, he’s bringing the keg. Dole, not likely, maybe in his early years.

Because this test is done with every candidate, I thought I’d propose a new test, ala the famous never asked If You were a Tree question of Barbara Walters’ fame, with my speculation about the answers.

For those of you that hate politics, I live just outside the beltway, it's our version of Reality TV and with the writer's strike...

Anyway, feel free to invent your own to suit your own political views, they will be as relevant and meaningful as the Cheers test; they just won’t make the evening news.

If the political candidates were beverages, what would they be?

Giuliani –I thought about a cheap gag like a Manhattan, but Rudi in his hour of glory was like a perfect James Bond Martini, shaken not stirred. He’s still a martini, it’s just I don’t olive him.

Huckabee –Rootbeer. I cannot outdo the master on this, Quark in Deep Space Nine describes the beverage and the Federation in this manner: “Bubbly, cloy. Happy. But here’s the thing... if you drink enough of it, you start to like it.” Insidious, like the Federation…

Romney Like a Pepsi, peevishly sulking at anyone who likes Coke.

Ron Paul: RC cola. People are always surprised that they like it as much as they do, but no one buys it instead.

McCain: You know how microwaving coffee doesn’t make it taste fresh? McCain is like that cup of coffee you put down to answer the phone and then forgot where you put it and found three hours later. You don’t want to nuke it, you want a fresh cup.

Thompson: Water. From the tap. Sitting in a tea cup with a bag of Darjeeling on the side, waiting for some heat. No one’s interested in drinking it. Not even him.

Hunter: Caffiene Free Generic Brand Diet Soda. You can drink it but in heaven's name why?

Tancredo: Tab. Didn't even know it was still served in some places.

Clinton: It would be so easy to do something with bitters or a vodka stinger, but the truth is, she’s like triple expresso straight. No sugar, no cream, no enhanced flavorings to soften the pure hit of hot dark stuff that causes uncontrolled tremors for hours. You will spend the night sleepless.

Obama: Barrack may be more likable than the Hilster but he has the same policy ideas with a younger hipper more palatable package. Ergo, he’s like a starbucks Venti cappachino with an extra shot of syrup and cream. You’ll look cool. It will cost a lot, and you’ll still shake afterwards, but it goes down better.

Edwards: A Wine cooler who thinks he’s champagne. Artificially enhanced air infused wine with a splashy marketing technique. So 80's it's wrong. Everyone thinks they like such things…until they drink them.

Kucinich: Ovaltine. He thinks he’s Hot Chocolate. He thinks he’s popular. I don’t know a soul who says, “More Ovaltine Please!” without receiving a large check as compensation.

Richardson: Remember Urban Cowboy? It was supposed to do for Country Western what Saturday Night Fever did for Discothèques. They even had a brand of mechanical bull and a brand name beer lined up for the surge in Gilly’s across the nation. It never happened. No one knows what an America run by Richardson would be like, but you can bet his two supporters probably have been drinking Richardson’s last stash of Gilly beer.

Dodd: Pepsi One, taste like Pepsi, less of a caffiene hit than warm milk, can't order it anywhere and nobody asks for it by name.

Gravel: Who? Guessing here. Store brand diet soda. Invisible, undesirable, unpalatable.

Biden: Red Bull. It has energy, it has caffeine. It has a lousy slogan and no one willingly chugs this stuff unless they have to pull an all-nighter in college to finish a big term paper.

Waitress at the diner in Iowa: "Now, what will you have?"

“Diet Coke please.”