Not So New News

By now the news is not new. ABC is setting up shop in the White House to produce its daily dose of cheerleading for the sitting President and his party. So the question must be asked, by the networks that have not been chosen. “What exactly does a network have to do to get a primo spot like that around here?” It’s not like CBS, NBC, MSNBC, and CNN weren’t swooning at the commander in chief’s every utterance.

Keith Olberman commiserated with Chris Matthews over sample Prozacs and a few stiff drinks. “I felt the thrill; I would have felt it every night for him.” He sobbed into his double martini. “I still do man…”Keith was sticking to the harder stuff and working on a way to blame Bush or Sarah Palin for the journalistic coup using Twitter. “How can I convey the level of incompetency and my complete loathing in only 140 characters? It’s not enough even for a haiku!”

The Newsweek editor Evan Thomas was spotted wondering the halls of his office building in shock. “I believed. Didn’t I believe enough? D’oh. It was that “sort of” hesitation. I should have just declared him god and been done with it. Doubt. That was my downfall. He found my lack of faith disturbing.”

So ABC’s Charlie Gibson shall deliver the nightly news from the blue room. But let’s call this show what it really is, the ultimate reality television survivor show minus annoying television host, Jeff Probst. Coming soon, “O-44-24” because Jack Bauer isn’t man enough for the job, there’s the President. Seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year, every second of every day, we’ll cover him so you too can appreciate the profound historic nature of his every breath, his every thought, his every pondering moment.

Watch as the President goes to a soccer game. (Gasp!) As he orders burgers. (Sigh). As he puts his feet up on the desk to make phone calls. (This is presidential; this is what it is all about). As he swats a fly with ninja type accuracy and his cat like reflexes! And for sweeps week, Date Night! And a bonus trip abroad to some place where he and his family can kick back and relax, maybe take that shirt off to show how buff he is.

Does anyone think that there wouldn’t be a mass media revolt if Fox News had set up shop inside the Bush Oval Office? Does anyone not think they would have declared it a puppet media mouthpiece of the President? Does anyone not think that every left wing/liberal would be excoriating the blogosphere and airways about the inherent unsavory relationship between the press and the people in power if this had taken place? They would have been right to do so, but they are not squawking now because the parrots of ABC shall repeat what they believe and what the Administration wants us to hear, all in the name of access and transparency.

But it’s not too late. The other networks could come up with something even better. There must be a way to prove themselves greater toadies than the American Broadcasting Company.

So here’s my proposal. Don’t even say any news. Don’t air any programs. Just line up the stars to offer their lauds to our current president every hour, all day and all night long, until everyone, men, women and children, dogs and cats, birds and worms, all manner of bacterial life start to chant over and over again, “Obama Rocks.”

During the commercials for movies no one watches and cars no one buys, have a rolling screed along the bottom, “Obama is good. Obama is Great. We Love Him. We Love Him More than ABC. We Love Him more than our spouses, our offspring and our dogs.”

Then, we can call Jeff Probst to conduct the ultimate survivor series over the course of a single year. “Which Media Outlet Loves Him Most.” Losers get voted out into the island of Bermuda where they can suffer being marooned on a tropical island that most people pay good money to go visit.