Friday, January 11, 2008

Not Named Jeffy's Sports Page Picks

You know how that Family Circus guy lets his comic get taken over by his kids?

Well now it’s Not Named Jeffy’s turn on Mom’s blog!
unedited and unproofd. (obviously)

Being a guy, naturally, I gravitate towards writing about sports.
Specifically, football.

It’s the most male sport there is. Two hours of eating bad for you food and watching other guys hit each other at great speeds. A perfect world experience for any fourteen year old, or any guy who has ever been fourteen.

As the playoffs draw nearer to Super Bowl (Insert some weird Roman numeral here), Not Named Jeffy makes playoff picks.

Get ready to call your Vegas bookie.

First up: Seattle vs. Green Bay: The Seahawks are losing to The Packers with their quarterback from …what? The late 60’s maybe early 70’s? This is pathetic!
MEMO from Me: to Seattle guys, you are losing to a guy nearly twice your age! That’s just sad.

San Diego vs. Indianapolis: The Chargers and the Colts, who really cares?
We all know Manning is motivated by one of two things: Being a really good quarterback, making a lot of commercials. The question is, can he hock enough products to merit his own channel? The All Manning, All the Time Channel? AMATC for short. At least sponsorship wouldn’t be an issue. Not Named Jeffy’s Picks: Rooting for the Colts on the pseudo perception that they are a purer motivated football team en masse. Can’t name a one.

New York vs. Dallas: The Giants and the Cowboys, you know what I going to pick the Giants, so Eli can get his ring. It will also secure his retirement, as he can then go endorse hokey products that don’t work, following in his brother’s footsteps –like sprint phone, OXY cleaning 123, and other things that can be found easily at either the dollar store or QVC. Maybe Payton will let him do a guest spot on AMATC in the early morning hours.

Finally the New England Patriots and… does it really matter what I say? If Tom Brady broke his leg, the Patriots cover the spread and win. If Brady and Moss break legs they win. If Tom, Randy, and the Defensive line all break their legs, Bill Bellicheck will come in and we are back to square one. Patriots win big.

Now if Bellicheck, the defensive line, Tom Brady, Randy Moss, and some obscure backup quarterback aching for some playing time all break their legs, everyone plays with broken limbs, but the Patriots find out (insert Running Back’s name here) can actually run. Jacksonville is left in full body casts, as Bill beats a healthy player to death for getting his cast wet with Gatorade.

Not Named Jeffy? This is not Bill Keane. Why can't you write like this for your English class?

Umm.....Tune in next time when Not Named Jeffy tries to find his way home on the metro. You can trace the detours and chuckle softly for no apparent reason!


Anonymous said...

Maybe it is time for me to watch least there aren't any Mannings here. Texas grandmother of not named chocolate writer's oldest kiddling. Good job, Jeffy!

Larramie said...

Great job, Not Named Jeffy. My only wish is that some of these games will be competitive. Because supposedly on any given Sunday (or Saturday), you just never know... ;)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm more concerned about what I'm going to cook and eat for Superbowl supper than paying attention to the actual football part of it.

Uncle Danny said...

If Bellicheck were to wake up and discover that his team had mysteriously transformed into Care Bears and checker pieces, I think he could still win. He's just a really good motivator.

Uncle "Houston, we have only problems" Danny

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