It's the End of the World...or Not

Every few years some person no one has ever heard of, gains national attention with the age old prediction, "The world ends tomorrow." It's funny how people can work the numbers, roll the bones, or read the stars to discern, the end is near and yet, never in the math, the dice or the heavens do these same souls receive instructions like, "The world will keep going. Carry on. Carry on...."

It's almost like none of these folks whistling past the Earth's graveyard really commit to their own predictions. They aren't engaged in either extreme hedonism as a last hurrah, nor are they submitting themselves to final purification. It's just another day at the office which begs the question, what are they really selling and why is anyone buying?

I also fault the reporters who likewise, don't take this story they're pumping out into the internet seriously. They're in it for the shock. If they wanted to make real news though, they'd commit to the concept...Dr. Falsity, what can we do? I've got my survival gear, my bunker and enough MRE's for three generations. We'll be finishing the broadcast from inside our sealed cavern. The lock is time shut, so we won't be seen for twenty-five years. We're happy to have you as one of our few honored guests...." and watch the man try to figure a way out of being locked in for two and a half decades.

Alternatively, I dream of some newscaster asking some serious analytical questions of these not even right twice a day broken doomsday clock watchers. Something like: "So if this is true, why aren't you spending the last night on this planet with your family, enjoying a fine meal, exhausting every last reserve you have on your 401K since it won't matter tomorrow?" or "Why aren't you on your knees in penance if you think this is the reckoning?" Pulitzer would go to the daring journalist who asks, "Why are you working the news cycle and asking people to buy your book? It's not like they'll have time to read it, even if they pay for expedited shipping and handling." and demands a full refund for failure to produce promised product by the end of the business day.

I'd love to see the next rapturous predictor of Armageddon hit with "We've got two professors from MIT here, and an astrophysicist from NASA. They'd like to check your data, your math and your findings." and drop in a little public service announcement. "We here at channel whatever it is, we investigate fraud. Deceiving the public and creating a panic or riot on the public airways is punishable by state, local and federal laws, in some cases with fines and jail time of up to five years. I'm sure you Sir have nothing to worry about." and crank up the R.E.M. as you fade out to commercial break.

But to prove I'm fair and show I do take their concerns somewhat seriously, I've eaten all the emergency chocolate.  After all, I'd hate to see it go unconsumed.  That would be a waste. 

A New Charity is Born*

There are all sorts of philanthropic entities in the world, all designed to allow every one of us feel good as we part with our own resources for the betterment of other people. There are charities for kids, adults, whales, elephants, tigers and polar bears, plants, land preservation, oceans, to name the stars and rehabilitate guinea pigs. There are even charities for politicians which may not qualify as any of the above, though the rehabilitation program sounds promising.

What with all the options out there, you would think every possible need a human, or for that matter, any living or non living thing could require is somehow addressed by the generosity of others via a non profit. Not so. We need a new organization to meet a heretofore desperately unmet human desire which helps all of society. It promotes proper mental, physical, social and emotional health to its beneficiaries.  It removes gridlock, prevents fraud, waste, abuse and neglect on a social, political, emotional, economic, corporate, global and personal level. No one in the history of life on this planet does not have this desire rooted in their core.

What is this need?  To have a world of not actual beavers, but people who act as beavers to their community.  So I'm launching Operation Give a Damn. Dedicated to righting the wrongs of the world brought on by sloth, ignorance, arrogance, apathy and burn out, Operation Give a Damn would train volunteers to act as surrogates for those in society who through their actions and words reveal themselves to not give a fig about the pain, sufferings, stresses or actual needs of others.

Naturally, this sort of entity would need at least one person per five on the planet to address the wrongs everyone suffers on any given day. So as to fund this properly, I'm guessing we'll need 1.5 million people to each donate ten dollars to start, and then we can get to the serious business of training the 2 billion people designated "The Damned" to deal with cable companies, bill collectors and cumbersome government regulations. They will also act as surrogate holders for phone service from large faceless corporations and stand in during serious traffic jams.

Operation Give a Damn needs you. The world is filled with individuals, governments, organizations and businesses who don't have damn givers.  We need damn givers!  We need people to give to Operation Give a Damn.  You can help save the world from being damned by damning up the stresses and strifes of life.   Never has there been a greater need for people to give a damn.  I'm not saying the world is damned if you don't, but imagine what the world would be like, if you do.   

*Apparently there are actually charities that have something close to the name, I wasn't stumping for any of them, and this is pure fiction, pure imagination mixed with a bit of everything's been so busy lately, I thought a tad of absurdity would do me good.   

And Now, For Something Terribly Terribly Terribly Important....

Everyone knows Kanye West spends his days and nights tirelessly fighting to ensure Beyonce is worshiped 24-7 as the goddess she must be. But people only know about his attempt to crash Taylor Swift's award in 2009, and Beck's in 2015.

Other attempts to ensure Beyonce's name is spoken and revered before all others include:

10) The recent ending of the series Where's Waldo came about when famed musician Kanye West spent a few minutes with the author (after all, it is a book one need not read to read) to explain that no one cares about a man with glasses in a striped shirt. Finding Beyonce would be much more exciting and satisfying for everyone.

9) After a conference with a testy Kanye West, NASA closed up it's incredibly difficult space shuttle program not because Congress dried up the funds, but because even if the government sent people to the moon or beyond, they still wouldn't be as big a star in the universe as Beyonce.

8) The future King and Queen of England, Prince William and Princess Kate met with Mr. West to discuss baby names before learning they would be having a prince. No word on whether they reached an agreement about all future princesses being named, Not Beyonce and I may be a Princess but I want to be Beyonce.

7) J K Rowling refused to comment when Kanye West visited her recently. But Kanye West took to the cameras, explaining that even though he considered himself a proud non reader of books, "Any references to the Chosen One in the Harry Potter Series should allude to Beyonce and not Harry. Also He Who Should Not Be Named should be She Who Must Be Worshiped." He subsequently suggested all characters in all books Kanye West won't read should now be named Beyonce. Aparently West offered to buy a few of her books as paperweights if she did.

6) The President and First Lady saw Kanye West while at a charity gathering at the White House. Kanye took the opportunity to suggest putting a statue of Beyonce on the Mall, but that it should really be taller than the Washington Monument.

5) West crashed the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize at the UN. After all, Malala only allowed herself to be shot by the Taliban for daring to pursue an education. Beyonce's played in the Superbowl baby. "Can Malala touch this?" West asked, showing a video of Beyonce's 2013 performance. "I don't think so."

4) Everyone's seen the van for the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes on TV, but few know that the most recent winner was asked to step back and recognize that really, Beyonce deserves it even if she didn't enter.

3) Ken Jennings became known as the longest winner of the famous Jeopardy tv game show, but he's nothing because while he's been on a show, Beyonce's been an answer. Kanye West's lawyers recently sent a subpoena to Mr. Jennings asking that he cease mentioning his victories without giving due credit where credit is due by mentioning his thanks to Beyonce before answering any an all questions or answering in the form of a question.

2) At the most recent Superbowl, sure the Patriots won, but Kanye West was there to remind Tom Brady; your deflated balls, wouldn't be like that if you paid better homage to Beyonce.

1) John Stewart recently announced his retirement from the Daily Show. Unverified sources indicate Kanye West may have sent him a collection of Beyonce's work with a gentle reminder, that as great and entertaining as he might be, he remains nothing by comparison to her, and that the realization by John of this universal truth, led him to despair and close up shop.

Kanye West plans to submit a bill to Congress in the near future requiring all currency contain Beyonce's likeness and a special Beyonce Awareness month coupled with a Beyonce Federal Holiday to celebrate all things Beyonce.  No word on whether he plans to boycott 50 Shades of Grey because it doesn't feature Beyonce, but peace out.

What would Rick from Casablanca Do?

I don't know why I didn't post this back when it was written, I think the actual electoral process was too surreal to add anything, but it's funny and so I give you a freshly thawed archive from the election cycle that was 2008. 


You Must Remember This...


The political landscape continues to grow more confusing with each and every primary. Ergo, being American, we need a quick fix, an easy way to discern who is the right person, man or woman, for the most powerful job on Earth? I have the solution.

W.W. R. B. D?

What would Richard Blain, American Do? To answer this probing question, via the miracle of Forest Gump like technology and the blogosphere, we located Richard Blain of Casablanca at his Cafe American. He agreed to a short interview to answer some key questions for the voting public.

Me: What political party are you affiliated with?

Rick: I’m a drunkard.

Me: That makes you eligible for both parties, I’ll put you down as independent.



Me: On the subject of terrorism, you know about what is happening in the world. Who do you think will win the war?

Rick: I haven't the slightest idea.

Me: We are looking for a chance, looking for a leader. Can you imagine Guilliani as President? Can he take Florida?

Rick: Well there are certain parts of Miami I wouldn't advise him to invade.



Me: What about the economy?
Rick: We can last. In the meantime, everyone stays on salary. A bribe might work, it has before.


Me: Do you think the handshake deal between Congress and the current president will hold?
Rick: Certainly not! But since they’re in a hurry, the stimulus package will have to do.

Me: What about Hillary? I know you were never interested in any woman other than Ilsa, can she be President?
Rick: She’s not just any woman, but we went all over this with her husband. It's no deal.

Me: What about Edwards, Ron Paul and Romney? Do you despise them?
Rick: If I gave them any thought I would.


Me: But that leaves Huckabee, Obama, Hillary, Guilliani and McCain. How are we supposed to pick from this field. It's a crazy world, anything can happen.

Rick: Don't you ever wonder if it's worth it? I mean what you're fighting for?

Me: It was your cause too! In your own way…

Rick: I'm the only cause I'm interested in now. So I'll make you a counter offer. Instead of these petty candidates, suppose you put up a politician who really says what he or she means, that would be quite a coup for the USA wouldn't it?

Me: Yes it would, the Voters would be very grateful.

Rick: Then write in me. The republicans will eat their own, Hill and Bill get away, and the third party will help eliminate at last, all these petty annoyances.

Me: Why would you run?

Rick: Why not? The candidates make fictional narratives about their lives as part of the vetting process, why not put up an entirely fictional character for a candidate? At least then, the voters would know what they’re getting. They wouldn’t be “shocked. Shocked! To find corruption everywhere.”

Me: Why are you so interested in what happens to us?
Rick: I'm not. Your business is politics, mine is running a saloon, but I am interested in what happens to me.

Me: You? But what makes you think something would happen to you?
Rick: smoking a cigarette. I run a bar. I smoke. I serve liquor, I foster gambling. I'm in love with another man's wife, and I'm only a poor business man. I also happen to represent America at its best in cinematic fairy tales.

Me: You sound like most of the politicians in the race.

Rick: Sherry I don't want to shoot you but I will if you say one more word. You call the press and tell them I’m running for President and remember, this gun is aimed straight at your blog.

Me: That is my least vulnerable spot.

Call the press, round up the usual suspects!This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship…”

RICHARD BLANE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!

Minding Your Own Monkey Business

Because it's tax day, here's one I wrote a while ago...happy filing and reading folks!

Don’t get me wrong, I love nature shows on television. My kids are fascinated by the stories on Discovery and National Geographic. We encourage them to learn about the creatures of this Earth and to be stewards of all creation.

But sometimes, I think the narrators are in serious need of an intervention.

We were watching a show on PBS called "Primates" as told by a British researcher and nature hottie as she traipsed through the jungle in New Guinea and later in Matagascar to document the lives of various primates. One expects the researcher to love her subject. I can’t imagine braving the sub-topical heat, countless bugs, assorted necessary vaccinations and physical deprivations required of this type of research, unless one was in love with the subject matter.

However, this babe’s breathless descriptions of the various creatures and their habits and habitat paralleled that of the type of fan that is normally issued a restraining order.

In her first segment on orangutans, she was attempting to describe how these creatures move from limb to limb on a tree without suffering injury or breaking the branches.

"Careful judgment is called for, the orangutan must determine not simply the weight of the branches, but also the amount of force to be applied while taking into consideration his own weight. These calculations would be difficult even for a human." she whispered as we viewed said calculating primate move from branch to branch with nary a slide ruler.

Who knew orangutans could rival the engineers at MIT?

Still, the critters were pretty interesting so I watched the next segment on chimpanzees. As we viewed the "thoughtful stoic faces" of a family at peace with the world, she talked of how these chimps would sit for hours contemplating the world around them and showed footage of the chimps staring out at the jungle.

“Perhaps most startling about these pensive creatures is their sense of awe at nature.” She offered as she hiked to a local waterfall. “These chimps perform this same ritual every time they come to the waterfall.” The chimp on film is jumping from one side to the other in a zig zag pattern. “They do this whether they are alone or in a pack.” The footage shows the same chimp zigzagging with others over the waterfall. “This celebration of the water could be some form of ritual, signifying the higher awareness of the chimps, their sense of beauty, of wonder at the majesty of nature.”

She paused to look at the waterfall thoughtfully and then mentally went over the edge. “It could be their expression of essentially what for us would be religion.” The image of the waterfall blurred on the camera and the scene faded to black.

Following the religious chimps, she then took us with a war party from the same colony who set out to defend their territory. "The attack is brutal, unexpected, viscous and sends a clear message. But perhaps who are we to judge?" she posits as we are left with the shocking image of four angry chimps mauling a fifth for not showing due deference to their territory. Maybe the waterfall was a form of confession.

After the monkish monkeys, the film crew took us to an Amazon Utopia, where Pygmy chimps used sex as the dominant means of controlling behavior. Women (note not females) ruled the roost and over aggressive males were pacified with "a quickie." Also unique amongst this "chimp culture" was the use of tools and the occasional decision to walk on two legs instead of hunched over on four. The use of tools and the fact that some were left handed as versus right indicated "imagination, creativity, problem solving, intelligence and a sub culture." This particular cluster of chimps had determined how to open a kind of nut rich in protein that other chimp families could not open by using stones. More advanced than others, they had formed a chimp charter Mensa organization.

Though not the first to anthropromorphise the creatures she studied, I couldn’t bring myself to not see how far she would take it.

The silver back gorillas in Rwanda were obviously the grand prize of her documentary and she had us follow her through the bush to their territory, where the whole clan was having a "siesta." Seated less than five feet from one of the gorillas, she talked about these gentle giants that are so closely related to us, showing shots of the "children playing," the adults lovingly grooming, and others enjoying a well earned rest. I had to wonder, what exactly fatigues a gorilla, I mean besides nosy documenting film crews and the ongoing feud between the sex amazon monkeys, Mensa Chimps and religious sect.

When they woke from their rest, the lead silverback "sensibly" led them away from the camera but two adolescent males stayed behind as a rear guard and to "show off for the camera." She said. One knocked over a tree and thumped his chest. The second dragged the tree over to him and then went over and lightly tapped the intruding narrator on her back with his foot. She beamed with pleasure at having been brought into the game. "I’ve just been kicked by a gorilla!" she grinned impishly at the camera as though it had caught her first kiss. The second adolescent male, not to be outdone, charged at her and knocked her over before the behind the scenes guide could chase him off. She turned to the camera, breathless and hardly missing a beat, "Who knows what he might have tried if the guide hadn’t driven him off?"

After the sex chimp colony, I was certain I didn’t want to know.

Editor's note: Wonder if I can get the mensa chimp to do my taxes next year...