The Next Four Months Through the Palantir.

Laughing at the universe when the universe seems dedicated to sucking all the joy out of life is a form of defiance, necessary if we want to do more than survive. I submit that the months of 2020 have engaged in a year long experiement of "Hold my Corona."

The following are by no means guaranteed outcomes of the coming four months, but these are our best guesses as to what is yet to come:

10) Technology allows dogs to talk to us, and we discover they're not quite as impressed with us as we thought.

9) The internet produces a strange merger of Baby Shark, Friday and the Nyah Nyah Pop tart cat that is both catchy and unstoppable, trending to the point of melting everyone's brains.

8) Fashion declares kulottes and puffy sleeves are in again. Everyone looks like balloon animals that lost some of their air.

7) Chocolate in all its forms is found to be unhealthy and banned. Likewise for beer, wine and bacon. Riots ensue.

6) The only music allowed by the algorhythms that dominate I Heart Radio are Rick Ashley and Bonnie Tyler, and so we're in a total ecplise of the heart which we are never gonna give up.

5) Netflix runs out of shows. So does every other streaming and cable network.

4) When Disney goes bankrupt and the House that Mickey Built turns out the lights, the films go into the vault and we never get to binge watch the 22 films of the Marvel Universe again...we're just stuck with the stupid Fox X-men series.

3) Food Network, in a desperate attempt to remain relevant when all restaurants are floundering, is 24-7 Restaurant Impossible, and hires Tom Cruise as a secondary co-host. People don't mind it, but the food, like Cruise's body of work, is so forgetable, people don't remember what they ate 24 hours later.

2) Facebook, Twitter and all social media, in an attempt to curb misinformation block everybody. It doesn't help.

1) The 24-7 Christmas radio program that normally starts in mid November, starts September 5th, if only because we can't be sure we'll make it to December. Finally, cats also respond to the technology and they think about us just what we always thought.

It's the End of the World...or Not

Every few years some person no one has ever heard of, gains national attention with the age old prediction, "The world ends tomorrow." It's funny how people can work the numbers, roll the bones, or read the stars to discern, the end is near and yet, never in the math, the dice or the heavens do these same souls receive instructions like, "The world will keep going. Carry on. Carry on...."

It's almost like none of these folks whistling past the Earth's graveyard really commit to their own predictions. They aren't engaged in either extreme hedonism as a last hurrah, nor are they submitting themselves to final purification. It's just another day at the office which begs the question, what are they really selling and why is anyone buying?

I also fault the reporters who likewise, don't take this story they're pumping out into the internet seriously. They're in it for the shock. If they wanted to make real news though, they'd commit to the concept...Dr. Falsity, what can we do? I've got my survival gear, my bunker and enough MRE's for three generations. We'll be finishing the broadcast from inside our sealed cavern. The lock is time shut, so we won't be seen for twenty-five years. We're happy to have you as one of our few honored guests...." and watch the man try to figure a way out of being locked in for two and a half decades.

Alternatively, I dream of some newscaster asking some serious analytical questions of these not even right twice a day broken doomsday clock watchers. Something like: "So if this is true, why aren't you spending the last night on this planet with your family, enjoying a fine meal, exhausting every last reserve you have on your 401K since it won't matter tomorrow?" or "Why aren't you on your knees in penance if you think this is the reckoning?" Pulitzer would go to the daring journalist who asks, "Why are you working the news cycle and asking people to buy your book? It's not like they'll have time to read it, even if they pay for expedited shipping and handling." and demands a full refund for failure to produce promised product by the end of the business day.

I'd love to see the next rapturous predictor of Armageddon hit with "We've got two professors from MIT here, and an astrophysicist from NASA. They'd like to check your data, your math and your findings." and drop in a little public service announcement. "We here at channel whatever it is, we investigate fraud. Deceiving the public and creating a panic or riot on the public airways is punishable by state, local and federal laws, in some cases with fines and jail time of up to five years. I'm sure you Sir have nothing to worry about." and crank up the R.E.M. as you fade out to commercial break.

But to prove I'm fair and show I do take their concerns somewhat seriously, I've eaten all the emergency chocolate.  After all, I'd hate to see it go unconsumed.  That would be a waste.