Friday, February 13, 2015
And Now, For Something Terribly Terribly Terribly Important....
Everyone knows Kanye West spends his days and nights tirelessly fighting to ensure Beyonce is worshiped 24-7 as the goddess she must be. But people only know about his attempt to crash Taylor Swift's award in 2009, and Beck's in 2015.
Other attempts to ensure Beyonce's name is spoken and revered before all others include:
10) The recent ending of the series Where's Waldo came about when famed musician Kanye West spent a few minutes with the author (after all, it is a book one need not read to read) to explain that no one cares about a man with glasses in a striped shirt. Finding Beyonce would be much more exciting and satisfying for everyone.
9) After a conference with a testy Kanye West, NASA closed up it's incredibly difficult space shuttle program not because Congress dried up the funds, but because even if the government sent people to the moon or beyond, they still wouldn't be as big a star in the universe as Beyonce.
8) The future King and Queen of England, Prince William and Princess Kate met with Mr. West to discuss baby names before learning they would be having a prince. No word on whether they reached an agreement about all future princesses being named, Not Beyonce and I may be a Princess but I want to be Beyonce.
7) J K Rowling refused to comment when Kanye West visited her recently. But Kanye West took to the cameras, explaining that even though he considered himself a proud non reader of books, "Any references to the Chosen One in the Harry Potter Series should allude to Beyonce and not Harry. Also He Who Should Not Be Named should be She Who Must Be Worshiped." He subsequently suggested all characters in all books Kanye West won't read should now be named Beyonce. Aparently West offered to buy a few of her books as paperweights if she did.
6) The President and First Lady saw Kanye West while at a charity gathering at the White House. Kanye took the opportunity to suggest putting a statue of Beyonce on the Mall, but that it should really be taller than the Washington Monument.
5) West crashed the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize at the UN. After all, Malala only allowed herself to be shot by the Taliban for daring to pursue an education. Beyonce's played in the Superbowl baby. "Can Malala touch this?" West asked, showing a video of Beyonce's 2013 performance. "I don't think so."
4) Everyone's seen the van for the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes on TV, but few know that the most recent winner was asked to step back and recognize that really, Beyonce deserves it even if she didn't enter.
3) Ken Jennings became known as the longest winner of the famous Jeopardy tv game show, but he's nothing because while he's been on a show, Beyonce's been an answer. Kanye West's lawyers recently sent a subpoena to Mr. Jennings asking that he cease mentioning his victories without giving due credit where credit is due by mentioning his thanks to Beyonce before answering any an all questions or answering in the form of a question.
2) At the most recent Superbowl, sure the Patriots won, but Kanye West was there to remind Tom Brady; your deflated balls, wouldn't be like that if you paid better homage to Beyonce.
1) John Stewart recently announced his retirement from the Daily Show. Unverified sources indicate Kanye West may have sent him a collection of Beyonce's work with a gentle reminder, that as great and entertaining as he might be, he remains nothing by comparison to her, and that the realization by John of this universal truth, led him to despair and close up shop.
Kanye West plans to submit a bill to Congress in the near future requiring all currency contain Beyonce's likeness and a special Beyonce Awareness month coupled with a Beyonce Federal Holiday to celebrate all things Beyonce. No word on whether he plans to boycott 50 Shades of Grey because it doesn't feature Beyonce, but peace out.
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