What would Rick from Casablanca Do?

I don't know why I didn't post this back when it was written, I think the actual electoral process was too surreal to add anything, but it's funny and so I give you a freshly thawed archive from the election cycle that was 2008. 


You Must Remember This...


The political landscape continues to grow more confusing with each and every primary. Ergo, being American, we need a quick fix, an easy way to discern who is the right person, man or woman, for the most powerful job on Earth? I have the solution.

W.W. R. B. D?

What would Richard Blain, American Do? To answer this probing question, via the miracle of Forest Gump like technology and the blogosphere, we located Richard Blain of Casablanca at his Cafe American. He agreed to a short interview to answer some key questions for the voting public.

Me: What political party are you affiliated with?

Rick: I’m a drunkard.

Me: That makes you eligible for both parties, I’ll put you down as independent.



Me: On the subject of terrorism, you know about what is happening in the world. Who do you think will win the war?

Rick: I haven't the slightest idea.

Me: We are looking for a chance, looking for a leader. Can you imagine Guilliani as President? Can he take Florida?

Rick: Well there are certain parts of Miami I wouldn't advise him to invade.



Me: What about the economy?
Rick: We can last. In the meantime, everyone stays on salary. A bribe might work, it has before.


Me: Do you think the handshake deal between Congress and the current president will hold?
Rick: Certainly not! But since they’re in a hurry, the stimulus package will have to do.

Me: What about Hillary? I know you were never interested in any woman other than Ilsa, can she be President?
Rick: She’s not just any woman, but we went all over this with her husband. It's no deal.

Me: What about Edwards, Ron Paul and Romney? Do you despise them?
Rick: If I gave them any thought I would.


Me: But that leaves Huckabee, Obama, Hillary, Guilliani and McCain. How are we supposed to pick from this field. It's a crazy world, anything can happen.

Rick: Don't you ever wonder if it's worth it? I mean what you're fighting for?

Me: It was your cause too! In your own way…

Rick: I'm the only cause I'm interested in now. So I'll make you a counter offer. Instead of these petty candidates, suppose you put up a politician who really says what he or she means, that would be quite a coup for the USA wouldn't it?

Me: Yes it would, the Voters would be very grateful.

Rick: Then write in me. The republicans will eat their own, Hill and Bill get away, and the third party will help eliminate at last, all these petty annoyances.

Me: Why would you run?

Rick: Why not? The candidates make fictional narratives about their lives as part of the vetting process, why not put up an entirely fictional character for a candidate? At least then, the voters would know what they’re getting. They wouldn’t be “shocked. Shocked! To find corruption everywhere.”

Me: Why are you so interested in what happens to us?
Rick: I'm not. Your business is politics, mine is running a saloon, but I am interested in what happens to me.

Me: You? But what makes you think something would happen to you?
Rick: smoking a cigarette. I run a bar. I smoke. I serve liquor, I foster gambling. I'm in love with another man's wife, and I'm only a poor business man. I also happen to represent America at its best in cinematic fairy tales.

Me: You sound like most of the politicians in the race.

Rick: Sherry I don't want to shoot you but I will if you say one more word. You call the press and tell them I’m running for President and remember, this gun is aimed straight at your blog.

Me: That is my least vulnerable spot.

Call the press, round up the usual suspects!This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship…”

RICHARD BLANE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!