Monday, October 17, 2011

Parenting House of Horrors

For true horror, moms have everyone else beat.  We deal in the unexpected on a daily basis, enough to have collected a cache of horror cliches that would leave the unseasoned, the unready and the uninitiated, paralyzed in fear. 

The following is from the Parenting House of Horrors Hall of Fame Collection.  Nominees for the 2012 awards can be left in the com box.

10) Cereal Killer: It's the Monday morning after a three day weekend.  You go innocently into the kitchen to start prepping for school.  Picking up the lunch box, it feels strangely heavy.  You shake it.   Sure enough, the bag has that tell tale sound, that "Don't go in there!" sound.  You've seen it before.  You know how this ends.  Don't eat before you go and pray neither the yogurt, nor the banana peel were left behind.

9) The Vanishing Part I:  Your shoes.  Your purse.  Your keys.  Your checkbook.  The one paper in a stack of 50 that needed signing and to be sent back. When you're in a hurry, one of these things will be gone.  When you're in a real hurry, you won't find out until you've left. 

8)  Abduction: You need help for a cleaning project.  Even in a home with ten children, not one can be summoned. My explanation?  Aliens.

7) Outbreak: One child gets a cold.  The child will need antibiotics.  No one else will show symptoms until you run out of the pink stuff.  Then every other child will have it, and you will have a whole shelf devoted to Amoxicilin.  Sometime around Thanksgiving, the last dose shall be measured out. 

6) The Vanishing Part II: I know you went shopping yesterday.  But somehow, there's no milk today.

5) Scream: An apple core....found anywhere. 

4) The Blob: Laundry. It doesn't matter how much you fold.  It doesn't matter how much you washed.  There's more today and it's coming to get you.

3) It Came From....:Any diaper that has exceeded design parameters.  It happens.  You know it. I know it. 

2) The Flood: That moment just before you identify the sound you've been hearing is running water...coming from a place where there shouldn't be running water.

1) The Vanishing III: Money.  Wallet.  Children.   Gone.


Sue said...

OMG! That is gold!!!I'm totally relating to all of these!! Cheers Sue

Natalie said...

I would like to add Creepy Crawlers. Little fingers pushing their way under the bathroom door in an attempt to get you in vulnerable moments. =)

And Night of the Living Dead. Mom and Dad so worn out that they just go through the motions of the day and then go to sleep wondering what went on that day. =)

Natalie said...

Oh, and Scream II. A valuable of yours got flushed down the toliet.

Kathy Kalina said...

Don't forget: We used to have a mother, but we scared her to death!

I got this one when my boys were pre-teens and one was a full bore teen-ager.

My pre-teen son said, "While you were at work, Josh had a girl over and took her into his bedroom for a LOOOOOOONG time. She was wearing a red leather dress with cigarette burns on it."

I went into Josh's room and tongue-lashed him without mercy, only to discover his brother made the whole thing up. (And who makes up a red leather dress with cigarette burns on it?)

Mother of God, Mediatrix of all Graces, Mother of Perpetual Help, interceed for the mothers of boys!


SherryTex said...

Natalie, I yield the floor to you. That is priceless!

amanda said...

What the dog ate... and then either vomitted back up or got discovered several days later. (or even worse, both)

munchesmom said...

OMGoodness! These are hilarious & SO true! I love Natalie's additions, too.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical - love it!

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