Sunday, October 9, 2011

Leftover Humor

I had an assignment to write a piece about "How to Get to Mass On Time."  and honestly, the topic was so rich, there was too much to include in a mere column.  So here are the one liners that got left on the cutting room floor so to speak. 

Why you should get to Mass on Time:

10) That sweet parking place, the one that isn't squished between the trash bin and a large SUV?  The one near the church such that walking your kids through the parking lot isn't an adventure in courage, trust in the driving skills of your fellow man and/or require a death grip on your toddler?  It's yours for the taking baby if you arrive just five minutes before mass time.  All yours.

9) If you go early to mass, you can read all the bulletin and be up to speed on all the things going on in the Parish before it starts and thus give full attention to the homily.

8) Bathroom breaks can be enforced before the opening song, eliminating most disruptions during the liturgy.

7) Prepay on the donuts beforehand, reserve your Boston Creams. 

6) If you come early, you can:
          1) write the check
          2) record it in the register
          3) put it in the envelope and
          4) have it ready before the offertory without having the stress of the mad scramble once they start singing "We are Many Parts..."

5) Going early means you get to pick your pew.  Otherwise, your fate is in the hands of the ushers.

4) Arriving on time to mass means you arrive in the actual mind set to be at mass, instead of the, "Ohmygoshwe'relateandeveryone's stressedandwe'regoingtohave toscramble tomakeitbeforethe readings.."mindset, which whatever else it is, is not peaceful or prayerful.

3) Catapult launching toddlers out of their car seats up the front steps of the Church to offload and expedite exodus into the mass can end badly.  Not that I speak from experience.

2) Arriving early allows your teens to decide to sit with their friends at the mass, which in my book, is an acceptable form of rebellion.  Rebelling inside the Church...very Catholic, outside...not so much. 

1) Extra grace that comes not just from showing up, but showing up as invited, for the feast, prepared to be part of the grand event. 

P.S. I told the usher about the assignment.  After he finished laughing, I mentioned that the Holy Spirit enjoys messing with me, but we're getting quite serious about improving our stats on punctuality at mass.  So I'm guessing that's the Holy Spirit's goal, God wins.

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