Thursday, February 7, 2008

Crank Party Platform, Filet O'Fish, Politics and Hillary Too

It’s Thursday, so I do my weekly Political rant type thing.

I scrapped my Richard Blane for President piece, W.W. R.F. C. D. (What would Rick from Casablanca Do?) because it just wasn't working. Too forced. So here's my stab today at political analysis and satire, all rolled up into one, sort of like eat it, you sort of like it, you know you sound cool if you can say you had it --or in the case of politics, you talked about it, but truth be told, you'ld rather hit the drive thru at McDonalds for a Fish Filet during least then you get fries and a diet coke.(I know you're out there, you closet Filet o'Fish eaters you, that's why they're still on the menu!)

Like the New England Patriots before her, Hillary is in danger of having a perfect season end with losing the Super bowl. And Why?

Because people love new more than old, they want pretty over nuance, and mostly, Hillary has been running on two ideas that do not mesh.

1) I have 35 years experience in policy and politics because I was there during the campaigns and years in the governorship and presidency. By that same logic, I should hang out a shingle, Sherry Antonetti, Attorney at Law. 41 years observing Lawyers make me imminently qualified to handle any legal matters you might have. Of course, there’s the little matter of not having a Law degree or being licensed by the State bar but those are details. I’m really a very good lawyer. I bill a reasonable $250 an hour, prorated by the quarter.

2) I’m the outsider, non establishment candidate, not bound to the Democratic party or its establishment base, even though I helped hand pick the leader of the DNC, am the most senior experienced candidate in the Democratic race and have those 35 years of experience. That’s right, I’m a rebel and a maverick. Did you see me cry yesterday? Wasn’t it moving?

By the same token, John McCain has made his entire career one of ticking off the Republican establishment by cozying up to Democrats, spoiling legislation backed by Republican leadership, rendering the light majority held before the 2004 elections inept and meaningless. Now, he too has chosen to embrace a platform of equally incongruous ideas.

1) I am Republican mainstream. Yeah, I disagree on immigration, tax reform, stem cell research and the role of government in the war on terror, but really, I represent the GOP at its core. Ignore any of those conservative Radio talk show hosts that say otherwise, don’t pay attention to the man behind the curtain…the Great and Terrible Oz has spoken!

2) Those youthful indiscressions of my maverick days in the Senate ---I was just fooling you know? Like Dubya’s drinking and Clinton’s sexcapades, they were just things I did then, I won’t have any flaws when I get to be president. You’ll see. It was just, I needed to assert my own voice. Sure it cost the party seats in the off year election. Sure it enabled Democrats and Republicans to super load any bill with billions in pork, but America will thank me for any policies I help shape…eventually, or they should anyway. Humph! Ingrates.

What strikes me most about both these sterling examples of American Politics at its sausage worst, is they both have the same motivation for running and expecting to win. Indeed, pundits have given their reasons as explanations for why they will vote for Candidate HiLIARY or ABCMcCain, their past sufferings make this position something they are OWED. Hill for standing by her cheating man and covering for him during that second administration, and McCain for his years at the Hanoi Hilton and long string of past runs for the office that have failed. Give the Old War Horse his turn. It’s Time for a Woman’s Turn.

Both are saying, not to give them their chance at this is akin to simply not being fair.

And we Americans like to think that we are fair.

So to be fair, really fair, I want a third party. The Democrats have a donkey, the Republicans, an elephant, my party, the Crank Party will have a flying pig as the mascot. The flying pig will land at the government trough and eat all the dollars. Our platform? To give all Three Trillion dollars back! That’s right. I want a real Rebate, proactively of every last red cent. We’ll close it all down and see if anyone notices.

After all, if we’re not going to enforce our laws, be they about campaign finance or borders, why do we need a government? We don’t need to pay our elected officials because after all, they’re so well off they can easily do two or three speeches about how America stinks and it’s all Bush’s fault and net a cool 3 to 20 million from Europhiles, journalists, university types and political sycophants who will just lap it up. I mean, Hillary’s a junior senator and she just lent her own campaign 5 million. When asked where the money came from, Hillary’s eyes moistened and she gave her best warm smile, “You know, I’m so glad you asked that. Being in touch with my feminine side, I just squirreled away the coins from when I’d vacuum the couch over the years and Bill was always so frugal, he’d empty his pockets every night. The money just sort of added up.” She gushed.

So I submit all government money should simply be returned. All of it. According to the census bureau, there are 303,389,465 Americans, 76,460,574 of which are children. If the 3 TRILLION dollar budget was divided just amongst the adults –ages 18 and up, the checks would come out to be $13,220.00 each. Talk about a stimulus package!

Don’t worry, we’d only proclaim a one year government fast, but have it happen every nine years as a means of ensuring that the country wouldn’t grow too dependent upon the three branches for its daily livelihood.

Now. Imagine if people still worked their jobs. Now, what if we did this on the State and local level as well, it would be a 7-10K swing when all was said and done. 20 Thou back in your pocket. Imagine.

People could open businesses, pay off credit card debts, open new businesses and hire more workers. People would invest and have enough to manage buying prescription drugs and still eat something better than dog food. They could go to the doctors and pay the copay or even buy private insurance. Nirvana would reign for one blissful year and then we’d have to get back to work and figure out what in fact, we really needed or wanted from our government.

We’d need a candidate though…a flying pig Crank candidate…I nominate ….Donald Trump. Can you imagine the ratings on the Apprentice if he was dealing with Senators?
“You’re fired!”
“But I work for free…”

“You’re still fired.”

for political commentary and unrelated stuff that is just as useful, try!


Christine said...

Amen, Sistah, I would vote for Trump in a heartbeat.

I have made the same argument re: Hilary. After 20 years of marriage, I should be a very well-paid web designer, because of all that pillow talk.

And McCain. Ugh. Don't get me started on McCain.

At this point, there is no one for whom I wish to vote.

Anonymous said...

It's a step up from pork barrel politics...maybe two steps up. A real Texas lawyer.

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!