Brown Wins Massachusetts

Even the President going to MASS couldn't turn the tide. A stream of stories have already begun saturating the Internet about why Coakley blew a 30 point lead in all of three months. I've read several. Some argue that this was not a referendum on anything other than local politics which in MA, has been Kennedy Kennedy and more Kennedy for several decades.

Some have argued that Martha was a dreadful campaigner and her series of last minute gaffes cumulatively did too much damage. There is some truth to this second arguement. To recap:

This past week she scoffed at shaking hands at Fenway, allowed a supporter to rough up a reporter while she watched, suggested that Catholics not work in the ER in an interview, stated that the Taliban were not in Afghanistan on the day of a vicious attack by said not there terrorists during the debate, misspelled Massachusetts on a last minute ad, put the World Trade Center in a second ad as a symbol of greed, wildly distorted her opponents record such that even Time magazine said it was vile, and called Curt Schilling of the 2004 Red Soxs, a Yankees fan on sports radio.

In fairness to all who supported her, who stumped for her, there aren't many candidates who could have survived this sort of self sabotage. Coakley's political imitation of Bill Buckner alone would have made anyone else come across as normal.

I rather think Brown is indicative of multiple factors, the high handed approach of the House and the Senate galvinized the sluggish and demoralized GOP. Spending without ceasing with the health care bill poised for passage roused those who might otherwise have sat this one out; making it a national race helped Brown.
Also, I think 40 years of voting for someone who owned the seat probably made the people of Massachusetts desirous of anything but the same old same old and Brown was willing to stick his neck out. Americans like courage, even more than they like anything else. We are the nation that created superheroes, we love underdogs and victories that are improbable at best.

There are already memos from the DNC, the White House, the Coakely campaign, the local Democratic machine and staffers and emails pointing fingers at who is to blame for Brown's election. They should stop, because at least publically, such behavior smacks of poor sportsmanship. It insults the voters by presuming that people decided to vote for Brown not because they wanted Brown, but because the party apparatus didn't properly manipulate the public into wanting Coakely.

Besides, it wasn't any of the above entities that caused Brown to win. There's only one group to blame. The Voters. They voted for this guy, even though he drives a truck. Even though, he's just a state senator and that hardly qualifies him to become the State's senator or anything higher than that...hey wait.

As satisfying and truthful as it might be, blaming the voters won't help.
There will be people who blame Bush, Beck, Limbaugh and Palin for Massachussetts; but I wouldn't if you don't want another day like January 19, 2010 in any of the other 49 states.

Proposed Top Ten List for the POTUS

Yesterday while playing around with words, I wrote a top ten piece for the President that was favorable to him.

For the record, I think the existing proposals are problematic at best and that there are many less contentious, less expensive means by which we could provide coverage to the uninsurred and effect good reform on the procedures which govern care than the current bills under consideration.

That being said, I also believe, if we can't laugh at ourselves and our own ideological worst points, we are lost.

Thus, I present to you, my proposed humor piece for the POTUS appearing on Dave Letterman tonight.

President Obama's Top 10 Regulations That Would be in the Health Care Bill if I Were the Stalinist/Fascist the Rightwing Nuts Think I am.

10) All Voters registered as Republican shall be taxed at an extra 50%; documented townhall tea party members, an extra 10% beyond that.

9) All States that went for McCain are hereby dissolved and absorbed into their more enlightened blue state neighbors.

8) Every school pre-k through 12th, shall issue as standard text books, both of my autobiographies, Socialism for Dummies, the complete works of Michael Moore, Al Franken and Air America.

7) School lunches shall replace tater-tots with any one of the following: Tuscan Kale, arugula, or Dandelion greens.

6) Conservative radio programs and television stations shall have all their material reviewed for accuracy and fairness. Nominees for review shall be made by Keith Olbermann.

5) Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh shall be expatriated to a country to be named later.

4) Elected Republican Officials must wear a t-shirt saying "The One Won." whenever they appear at a public function, punishable by fine and a vicious hit piece on YouTube by Moveon.org.

3) All Republicans shall be locked out of the public bathrooms at the House and Senate. They will have to use the port-o-lets stationed on the far end of the mall open between the hours of 3-5 AM. See Nancy or Harry for the keys.

2) We will fully fund health insurance for the whole world by taxing big oil into non-profit status.

1) I am King.

Obama and Hillary's Secret Meeting

I imagine it went something like the Grand Slam Finals of Poker.

Diane Fienstein acted as color commentator on the two finalists, in this H20 Smackdown for the final round.

Diane: Here’s the Flop…and Hillary has Pennsylvania, New York, and a possible flush with Michigan and Florida. She’ll have to wait for the River to see if she can pick that up. Obama’s hand includes Iowa, Illinois, California and those wild card Superdelegates. Both will sit on their hands for the next few cards.
And the DNC rules committee makes it’s move, and it’s Obama’s, now comes the serious bargaining, the bidding for the final card down.

Opening bids are usually nicer than subsequent attempts to control the pot. Let’s watch.”

Obama: I’ve got the superdelegates.

Hillary: I’ve got the popular vote.

Obama: I’ve got the press.

Hillary: I’ve got the experience.

Diane: “Round One, Obama. Now they up the ante.”

Hillary: I have a video tape of a speech by Michelle. It’s a Youtube Viral for sure.

Obama: I have footage of Bill with Hollywood star, Gina Gearson. Do you want to gamble whether or not Bill is up to his old tricks?

Hillary: …. …. ….You have friends like Wright, Pfleger, Ayers and Rezko. Maybe there are more?

Obama: You’ve loaned your campaign 11 million dollars….where’d it come from?

Hillary: You need me and my 17,493,836 voters. Only 41,622 votes separate us in reality, less than one of those towns in Pennsylvania you dissed in San Francisco.

Obama: Two words will make most of those Democrats vote for me anyway. “President McCain.” Anyway, I got there first, you need me more than I need you.

Hillary: The Superdelegates haven’t voted yet.

Obama: The media has, and you still have Bill.

Diane: “Round two…this time is a bit trickier. Obama may have won the hand but Hillary still has cards to play, or she may be bluffing. The next round concerns who shall be Veep and I’m joined here by former Clinton staffer George Stephanopolous for a bit of a discussion about Hillary as Veep. Is she 2008’s Perot? Dan Quayle? Or does she give Cheney type gravitas to Obama’s soaring rhetoric?”

George: Well before we get to that question, there’s breaking news…Edwards has said he would say “No” to being Obama’s veep. Edwards has also said “No” to being the lead singer in Metallica and hosting next year’s Oscars. I should mention in the interest of full disclosure, Edwards’ cell, home and office phone have no indications of any calls in the past three weeks from the Academy, the Heavy Metal Band or an upper level management surrogate of the DNC or Obama’s campaign. His inbox in his email, text messages, blackberry and personal PC are also devoid of such offerings. They’re still checking the fax machine and mail box though, just in case.

Diane: Well, who else can we rule out as a matter of course for potential Veep? Any inside information as a former insider with the Clintons?

George: Well, there’s a Definite No list, that includes people like Carter, Dukakis, Kerry, Rush Limbaugh and Lieberman. There’s a probably not list; Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin and Gina Davis have all been notified by their respective agents to go ahead and look for other work.

Diane: Harrison Ford?
George: Depends on the Crystal Skull Gross take.

Diane: And the probables?
George: Hillary is like the New York Yankees to the Red Sox before 2004. She has to be a factor. I mean, she’s gone from being a strong candidate with strong negatives to someone people have grown used to seeing on television, used to seeing speak on a daily basis. That’s a plus that’s hard to pass up. And then there’s the angry women factor which Obama would be wise to quell before it gets a chance to get to full steam.

Diane: What about tapping the governor of Virginia, or Ohio to get those traditionally red but shifting blue states to go Democrat?

George: It’s going to be tough. We’ve had staffers at CNN playing the board game “Mr. President” from circa 1974 non-stop for the past 24 hours and the break is really dependent upon everything. We’ve run models which include massive sweeps both ways, which break just short and break just over.

Diane: Speaking of over, the poker game is about to resume…

Hillary: We’ve decided something important.
Obama: Together.

Hillary: We’re going to keep going on…
Obama: having secret meetings.

Hillary: It keeps everyone from considering actual ideas or policies.
Obama: Or McCain.

Hillary: There will be another press conference tonight.
Obama: Thank you folks for coming!

Crank Party Platform, Filet O'Fish, Politics and Hillary Too

It’s Thursday, so I do my weekly Political rant type thing.

I scrapped my Richard Blane for President piece, W.W. R.F. C. D. (What would Rick from Casablanca Do?) because it just wasn't working. Too forced. So here's my stab today at political analysis and satire, all rolled up into one, sort of like sushi...you eat it, you sort of like it, you know you sound cool if you can say you had it --or in the case of politics, you talked about it, but truth be told, you'ld rather hit the drive thru at McDonalds for a Fish Filet during Lent...at least then you get fries and a diet coke.(I know you're out there, you closet Filet o'Fish eaters you, that's why they're still on the menu!)

Like the New England Patriots before her, Hillary is in danger of having a perfect season end with losing the Super bowl. And Why?

Because people love new more than old, they want pretty over nuance, and mostly, Hillary has been running on two ideas that do not mesh.

1) I have 35 years experience in policy and politics because I was there during the campaigns and years in the governorship and presidency. By that same logic, I should hang out a shingle, Sherry Antonetti, Attorney at Law. 41 years observing Lawyers make me imminently qualified to handle any legal matters you might have. Of course, there’s the little matter of not having a Law degree or being licensed by the State bar but those are details. I’m really a very good lawyer. I bill a reasonable $250 an hour, prorated by the quarter.

2) I’m the outsider, non establishment candidate, not bound to the Democratic party or its establishment base, even though I helped hand pick the leader of the DNC, am the most senior experienced candidate in the Democratic race and have those 35 years of experience. That’s right, I’m a rebel and a maverick. Did you see me cry yesterday? Wasn’t it moving?

By the same token, John McCain has made his entire career one of ticking off the Republican establishment by cozying up to Democrats, spoiling legislation backed by Republican leadership, rendering the light majority held before the 2004 elections inept and meaningless. Now, he too has chosen to embrace a platform of equally incongruous ideas.

1) I am Republican mainstream. Yeah, I disagree on immigration, tax reform, stem cell research and the role of government in the war on terror, but really, I represent the GOP at its core. Ignore any of those conservative Radio talk show hosts that say otherwise, don’t pay attention to the man behind the curtain…the Great and Terrible Oz has spoken!

2) Those youthful indiscressions of my maverick days in the Senate ---I was just fooling you know? Like Dubya’s drinking and Clinton’s sexcapades, they were just things I did then, I won’t have any flaws when I get to be president. You’ll see. It was just, I needed to assert my own voice. Sure it cost the party seats in the off year election. Sure it enabled Democrats and Republicans to super load any bill with billions in pork, but America will thank me for any policies I help shape…eventually, or they should anyway. Humph! Ingrates.

What strikes me most about both these sterling examples of American Politics at its sausage worst, is they both have the same motivation for running and expecting to win. Indeed, pundits have given their reasons as explanations for why they will vote for Candidate HiLIARY or ABCMcCain, their past sufferings make this position something they are OWED. Hill for standing by her cheating man and covering for him during that second administration, and McCain for his years at the Hanoi Hilton and long string of past runs for the office that have failed. Give the Old War Horse his turn. It’s Time for a Woman’s Turn.

Both are saying, not to give them their chance at this is akin to simply not being fair.

And we Americans like to think that we are fair.

So to be fair, really fair, I want a third party. The Democrats have a donkey, the Republicans, an elephant, my party, the Crank Party will have a flying pig as the mascot. The flying pig will land at the government trough and eat all the dollars. Our platform? To give all Three Trillion dollars back! That’s right. I want a real Rebate, proactively of every last red cent. We’ll close it all down and see if anyone notices.

After all, if we’re not going to enforce our laws, be they about campaign finance or borders, why do we need a government? We don’t need to pay our elected officials because after all, they’re so well off they can easily do two or three speeches about how America stinks and it’s all Bush’s fault and net a cool 3 to 20 million from Europhiles, journalists, university types and political sycophants who will just lap it up. I mean, Hillary’s a junior senator and she just lent her own campaign 5 million. When asked where the money came from, Hillary’s eyes moistened and she gave her best warm smile, “You know, I’m so glad you asked that. Being in touch with my feminine side, I just squirreled away the coins from when I’d vacuum the couch over the years and Bill was always so frugal, he’d empty his pockets every night. The money just sort of added up.” She gushed.

So I submit all government money should simply be returned. All of it. According to the census bureau, there are 303,389,465 Americans, 76,460,574 of which are children. If the 3 TRILLION dollar budget was divided just amongst the adults –ages 18 and up, the checks would come out to be $13,220.00 each. Talk about a stimulus package!

Don’t worry, we’d only proclaim a one year government fast, but have it happen every nine years as a means of ensuring that the country wouldn’t grow too dependent upon the three branches for its daily livelihood.

Now. Imagine if people still worked their jobs. Now, what if we did this on the State and local level as well, it would be a 7-10K swing when all was said and done. 20 Thou back in your pocket. Imagine.

People could open businesses, pay off credit card debts, open new businesses and hire more workers. People would invest and have enough to manage buying prescription drugs and still eat something better than dog food. They could go to the doctors and pay the copay or even buy private insurance. Nirvana would reign for one blissful year and then we’d have to get back to work and figure out what in fact, we really needed or wanted from our government.

We’d need a candidate though…a flying pig Crank candidate…I nominate ….Donald Trump. Can you imagine the ratings on the Apprentice if he was dealing with Senators?
“You’re fired!”
“But I work for free…”

“You’re still fired.”

THE CRANK PARTY IN 2008, THINK IT WILL WIN? SURE, WHEN PIGS FLY!
for political commentary and unrelated stuff that is just as useful, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!