Saturday, February 2, 2008

Some Superbowl Commercials I'd Like to See

Just in time for Sunday's Game, my contribution to the advertising world. You can pay me 1 MILLION dollars if you like.

For the new Mini-Van: to make it from a Mom Mobile to a Man Mobile. So what is more manly than James Bond I think? Seven James Bonds!

Picture this: A beautiful woman comes out of the local gourmet grocery store, (note to self, product placement for Whole Foods in the ad), she is immediately abducted by the bad guys on Harleys (Three motor cycles buzz by, one grabs the babe and the others scatter the people as they drive off laughing evilly).

Daniel Craig (the most recent Bond, wants to rescue her, so he hops into his latest acquisition from Q, the M-van). Pierce Brosman is sitting in the passenger side, he is smoothing his hair, waiting for Craig. Daulton leans towards the front to say, “Buckle up.” Craig rolls his eyes and Pierce sighs a bit as Lazenby give his fierce soliloquy look to the camera, “They won’t get far, this is a V-8 engine with a lot of kick.”

They peel off after the motor cycles which are weaving through traffic, the woman screaming. They pull up along side. Connery opens the driver side sliding door, “Nice feature, that.” He says as he grabs the girl and sends her into the back.

Craig hands the wheel over to Pierce and scrambles to the back. He reaches over to grab the guy off the motor cycle, punches him in the car and says, “So is this!” as he opens the other side and tosses the bad guy out. The other two bad guys are taken out by the crashing motor cycle that careens into one, causing the other to flip off of his.

The two older bonds shut the doors and Craig grabs a napkin from Dapper Pierce to wipe his bloody hand. "Don't want to stain the leather seats." He says. Lazenby posits, "This new Q Van has everything." Roger Moore in the back says, “I like the stow and go and removable seats.” As he gives an arched eyebrow to the babe. She sighs in his arms.

"Oh James...."
The rest of the Bonds bust out laughing. Fade out.

Bottled water has taken it on the chin lately, what with scandals about some of it being tap water, so it’s time for some damage control. Here’s my offering for Dasani –Coke-cola’s bottled water of note.

Brandi, you know the babe who took off her shirt in celebration, teaching the world about sports bras? She’s hot, she’sweaty, she’s walking dejectedly down a dark hallway from the stadium. A young 7 year old girl with pony tails, wearing a USA soccer shirt comes towards her, holding a Dasani Water.

"Brandi?... Brandi?" She tries to screw up the nerve for an autograph, but instead silently and sincerely holds out her water bottle of Dasani as a gift. Brandi takes the water, obviously fatigued. She chugs it down in one long gulp. She then starts to stagger away, and then turns, “Hey kid.” She says, as she takes off her jersey, “Catch.”

Pony-tailed Girl: "Wow! Thanks Brandi!"

Fade out.

And then there are the 20 second spots, where Exxon Mobil is trying to make itself into a “Green Company.” Or at least put forth the image.

On Environment: Mobil/Exxon: We haven’t had an oil spill that destroyed pristine Alaskan coastlines in over 20 years.

On Maintaining Facilities: Mobil/Exxon: We’re better than BP…but not for lack of trying!

On Golden Parachutes for CEO’s : Mobil/Exxon: the middle class’ conglomerrate,only 60 billion in profits last year.

On Price Gauging: Mobil/Exxon: We have suffered recently too, remember gasoline at less than 1.25 a gallon? It wasn’t that long ago.

On respecting people: Mobil/Exxon: We don’t export our extortion to other countries like those other big businesses. All of our exploitation of the worker is done right here in the USA.

Our Moral Center: Mobil/Exxon: We’re less evil than R.J. Reynolds.

And now back to the Super Bowl….GO GIANTS!

for more humor that doesn't cost 1 million dollars per minute, try!

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