Friday, August 19, 2011

Hints for Going to Sleep.

School starts in one week. I pointed out that we needed to get serious about sleeping.  I pointed out that  Bed time will be enforced.  Even worse, I will expect you to 1) actually sleep and 2) get up in the morning and 3) function. Reality is hard and it is coming in seven days.

But I love you and I'm sympathetic to your struggle to avoid the sandman at all cost, to enjoy every second of summer by cramming more wakeful minutes into each day.  Last night, I think there were two to three hours when someone wasn't up for some reason.  I'm starting to need daily naps to keep up with these people.

Enough is enough.  So I started to rant....

"It is clear that none of you believe R.E.M. time is necessary for continued mental health.  The past month I have sat outside your doors, read stories, said prayers, given huggies, kisses, sippy cups with ice water, brought in fans to keep you cool, change your blankets to make them softer, allowed for stuffed animals, classical music and extra pillows.  None of it has worked. 

So now we're in crunch time and I'm annoyed.
Welcome to sleep boot camp. I'm your drill sergeant mom and I'll be making sure you crumb crunching kiddies get your zzzzs!  Drop and give me 40 winks soldier!  For the next few days you will after dinner get showered, brush your teeth and present yourself clean and ready for bed duty within sixty minutes of clearing the table.  The lights will be turned off.  There will be no talking.  No switching of beds.  No last minute bathroom breaks, searches for books or requests for band-ades.  

From 9 to 6, you may not wander.  You may not sneak down to the Wii or computer or even read.  You may not turn on the lights. You may not go into your sister's room to turn on or off the music.  You may not have a pillow battle or get a midnight snack.  You may not get your cute toddler sister a midnight snack.  No nightmares.  No I'm cold. No I'm hot.  No I can't sleep.  If you aren't sleeping, let me tell you what I want you do to and I want you to do it, to do it every night, and to do it without informing me that you are doing it.  If you can't sleep and you've tried everything, there's only one thing I want you to do. 

And that one thing is:  Fake it.

That's right.  I want you to lie there, bored, in bed, lights off, mouth shut, breathing.  That's it. That's all.  That's final.

Rest.  Rest all night.  Trust that I really do know what I'm doing when I tell you it's bed time and that you'll feel better tomorrow for it. So Prayers. Love you. Good night. Sweet dreams and See you in the morning!" 

It was a beautiful rant and it might have even worked except the baby woke up and started crying. 

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