Carbon Dating

No, this isn't a commercial for diamonds or a plea for people to be ecologically romantic.

This concerns things far dearer to all of our sweet hearts.

Valentine candy.

News reports have emerged indicating that some of the sweets for your sweetie are older than the actual relationships being celebrated, and in some cases, more dated than the Hallmark verses in the cards. Specifically, those heart sugar things that allow one to non verbally convey retro phrases like "Hot Stuff" and "Luv Me" without being slapped down and labeled with a scarlet "L" loser label for one's trouble.

Ever alert to the beginnings of a crisis for the romantic Valentine celebrating constituencies out there, Congress drafted an immediate bill to create a stamped "freshness date" placed on subsequent candy heart boxes. "Of course we can't stop those unethical candy men and women out there at the shops that sold the 2 year old stuff who simply open one box and fill another with a fresher stamp." one congressman explained on the condition of amnominity.

Naturally, some conglomerates who sell candy objected to the idea.

"Who wants to know how old a "Bit o'Honey" actually is?" asked one lobbyist.

He was shortly sacked thereafter by his consulting firm but his employers were hunted down by disgruntled children who recognized that they must be the one who sell those damn things in bulk to hand out at Halloween. One minor participant who refused to give her name explained simply, "They've got to be stopped."

The bigger scandal was that someone actually ate a candy heart.The Sweetheart Candy Company spokesman was at a loss. "We've never had this problem before. No one ever considered eating them, at least, not without egging on by classmates or under the influence of alcohol. I'm not even sure they're bio-degradable."

In the meantime, public officials have put out warnings to the consuming public about the candy confections in question. "Stick to using Alphabits if you want to send a message to your sweetie involving food, they at least have been determined to not pose any significant health risk, and some of those boxes are decades old. Or Campbell's alphabet soup if you're really patient and your spouse or beloved doesn't mind eating cold condensed tomato puree."

Sweetheart Candy Company has offered boxes of heart shaped rocks in exchange for any pre-purchased unconsumed candy. They denied that the rock boxes were simply 10 year old candy hearts unearthed from storage.

Competitors however have jumped on the opportunity produced by the scandal of the aged boxes of sugar sentimental messages. "Chocolate! When's the last time you heard of anyone buying stale chocolate?  You just can't go wrong!"

Tootsie Roll Lobbyists remained silent on the issue.

Originally run in 2/12/2010.
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