Friday, July 17, 2009

The Game Show

And now it’s time for every parents’ favorite game show “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

“Hello again and welcome back for another exciting round. Today’s contestants are Veteran Mom, New Dad and Grandmother. Welcome to you all. Now you all know the rules so let’s get down to identifying these sounds. The first one is up for grabs.”

“Slunk. Slunk. Bunk a bunk a bunk pttttttttttah. “

“Yes! New Dad?”

“That would be a football falling down the stairs Bob?”

“No, I’m sorry that is incorrect. Grandmother? Veteran Mom?”


“Is it the sound of a Halloween Pumpkin Candy Holder falling down the stairs?”

“Ooh. Very close. Very close. Contestant Veteran Mom, do you have any idea?”


“Yes Bob, it is a Halloween Pumpkin Candy Holder, but it was kicked, it didn’t fall.”

“That is correct! Veteran Mom, take fifty points. For a bonus point, identify Why it was kicked.”

“His sister ate all the reese's pieces and left only the lime flavored tootsie rolls and candy corn.”

“Excellent work. Excellent. We’ll start the next round worth one hundred points. Okay, contestants will have thirty seconds to identify this sound.”

“Buzz. “ “Buzz.”
“New Dad was first on the buzzer. What was that sound?”

“Bob, it was Snoring. It wasn’t me because I don’t snore, but it was snoring.”

“Sorry, that was not the correct answer, we move on to Grandmother. “

“Snoring and the baby was crying Bob.”

“I’m sorry, we have to turn to Veteran Mom.”

“Snoring and the baby crying and the Toddler just climbed out of bed and is staggering around the house looking for his stuffed lion and a sippy cup of water.”

“That is 100% correct! I see we now move to the speed round where we will play a sound. Your job is to identify the situation and whether it requires a run or no run parenting response. Remember, you must indicate the severity of the situation if there is any.”

“Slishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Drip. Drip. Drip. Slisshhhhhhhhhhh. Drip. Drip. Drip.”
“Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.”

“Okay, we have a three way tie between the Veteran Mom, the New Dad and the Grandmother so I’ll have to ask each of you to write your responses, along with run or don’t run.”

“Okay, Grandmother, what was your response?”

“It’s a sink Bob, a child was brushing his teeth and turned off the sink when another child came in and did the same. No run.”

“Ooh. No. I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. New Dad, what was your answer, did you correctly identify the mystery sound and run/no run response?”

“That’s the ice machine in the kitchen, being used to pour drinks for the neighborhood by a five year old and a three year old. Run.”

“I’ll have to check with the judges to determine if they’re willing to give partial credit but in the meantime, let’s check with our final contestant.Veteran Mom?”

“Yes, Bob, that is the sound of a toddler getting a drink out of the toilet. Run and scream at the same time.”

“That is correct and congratulations to our winner Veteran Mom! She gets to move on to the bonus round, while we say good bye to Grandmother and New Dad, thank you both for playing.”

“Now Veteran Mom, you know how this game is played, we give you a sound and you identify the danger level and its origin. Are you ready?”
“Here is your mystery sound.”
………thirty seconds of silence pass.

“Bob, it is a code red emergency, there are three children upstairs trying to create a bridge out of a sleeping bag, two chairs and a toy box and the youngest has a hammer she is preparing to tap on the window. If an adult does not intervene in the next four seconds, someone will be hurt and something will be broken.“

“Congratulations, Mom is our grand champion!“ Balloons cascade onto the stage and credits begin to roll. A voice over is heard, “There are no prizes awarded in “Do You Hear What I Hear?” other than the peace of mind that comes from knowing what your children are up to all the time and being able to put a stop to it.”

Bob turns to the camera. “Tune in next time when contestants will be asked to speed round mate all white socks and assemble lunches with no white bread available.”


Virginia Lee said...

You know, maybe not having that uterus any more isn't such a bad thing after all.

I think I'll just stick to teaching kids how to belch on purpose and torture their siblings.


Christine said...

This morning's sounds, all before 5:45:

shhhBANG! shhhhBANG!
(Son cutting through master bedroom to take a comb from the bathroom because he lost his own brush. Accompanied by flashing lights in hall, bedroom, and master bath).

ching ching ching ching SLAM!
(same son, breaking into brother's room to borrow a pair of boxer shorts)

thumthumthumthum thumthumthumthum thummmmmmmm
(same son, practicing the bass line to Gimme Shelter)

Ute said...

That was so funny! Thanks!

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