When the Pope came to Congress, Representative Brady saw an opportunity to procure a unique keepsake from the occasion, and took the pontif's glass of water (which Pope Francis had already sipped from), and took it back to his office to drink.
Now I get wanting to touch greatness, to somehow connect yourself to someone who seems beyond what you can aspire to being. (It's the pitch made for Dos Equis).
But Representative Brady also dusted the glass for prints. So the unasked question at this point is, "Why?"
Here at Chocolate for Your Brain, quick internet research revealed the following possible theories to explain the representative's behavior.
10) The Pontiff's finger prints are on file, cross referenced to ensure we aren't dealing with a Pope decoy. *You know, like in that Star Wars Prequel. I'll apologize right now for even reminding you of that movie.
9) Aspirations for discovering the holy gene have been thus thwarted by the inability to find a suitable candidate within the governing body politic from which to obtain a sample. It was never the water on the outside of the glass Representative Brady was after, it was the sweat and cellular residue on the outside.
8) Check the office pool at the House and Senate, Brady must have lost a bet somewhere, and to prove he'd swiped the Pope's H20, the winner demanded a "Trust but verify" measure of proof.
7) Having read all of Dan Brown's novels and watched all the National Treasure movies, Brady feels convinced the Pope has a state of the art secret layer underneath the Vatican Bank where the treasures of the world are located, and the only means of access, is coded to the pope's fingerprints. His junket to Rome leaves next week.
6) The office water cooler was drained earlier. Brady had the hiccups. He needed a drink. Since he was going to have to drink from someone else's glass, he wanted to make sure it was only the Pope. After all, anyone else might have cooties.
5) Not saying he was looking for mutants or aliens, but it makes more sense than any of the rest of these theories.
4) The plan had been to lift the prints and put Speaker Boehner's prints in their stead, but it didn't work out.
3) Brady apparently has done this sort of thing before, sort of doping on someone's water in hopes of procuring for himself whatever midi-chlorians might be left behind in the backwash. Last time it was President Obama after he made a historic speech. As for the dusting for prints, he has a collection of famous people's finger marks, don't ask how he got some of them, it isn't as pretty as this time around.
2) With a name like Brady, he didn't think he'd get caught, and even if he did get caught, nothing would come of it.
1) Representative Brady wasn't dusting for prints at all, he was measuring the Pontiff's hand span, Given the Eagle's 1-2 start, He's searching for someone who can throw a Hail Mary and save the season.
*Editors Note to Bernie Sanders, Trump and anyone else who starts to catch fire in the coming months, drain your beverages or Brady will.
Showing posts with label political humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label political humor. Show all posts
Monday, September 28, 2015
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Summer in Session
When the weather gets hot, I personally believe that ice cream becomes one of the necessary meals of the day. More importantly, my children know this and know that I will offer Sundaes as dinner (complete with lots of fruit) if chores I hate, get done.
Given the state of the economy and the general run down conditions of our roads, infrastructure, cities and schools, I'm wondering what kind of mileage we could get on a national version of the ice cream economy.
For example: What would you do for a Klondike bar? My kids will clean their rooms and even take folded laundry in a basket up to the appropriate room. If it is a specialty bar like cookies and cream, they might even put their clothes away.
Surely a bananna split would muster a clearing out of a garage or the powerwashing of a deck in the microeconomy. Likewise I'm thinking there are more than a few rooms in congress that could stand a good scrubbing for the cost of a triple scoop with chocolate syrup confection with fruit and whip.
We've tried all the traditional ways of getting congress to work, elections, public protests, phone and email, all but the most effective, and consistent method out there: bribing.
So I'm willing to put up a hot fudge brownie sundae to the first member of congress to successfully pass a bill that doesn't self serve. I scream, you scream, if we all scream, we might get something other than the bill for their desserts, perhaps we could get bills for just desserts.
Given the state of the economy and the general run down conditions of our roads, infrastructure, cities and schools, I'm wondering what kind of mileage we could get on a national version of the ice cream economy.
For example: What would you do for a Klondike bar? My kids will clean their rooms and even take folded laundry in a basket up to the appropriate room. If it is a specialty bar like cookies and cream, they might even put their clothes away.
Surely a bananna split would muster a clearing out of a garage or the powerwashing of a deck in the microeconomy. Likewise I'm thinking there are more than a few rooms in congress that could stand a good scrubbing for the cost of a triple scoop with chocolate syrup confection with fruit and whip.
We've tried all the traditional ways of getting congress to work, elections, public protests, phone and email, all but the most effective, and consistent method out there: bribing.
So I'm willing to put up a hot fudge brownie sundae to the first member of congress to successfully pass a bill that doesn't self serve. I scream, you scream, if we all scream, we might get something other than the bill for their desserts, perhaps we could get bills for just desserts.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Top Ten Reasons to Vote for Cthulhu!
In case you missed last night's immature moment on Facebook.
But it's not enough to have a poster. So I created a top ten list for the guy, big hearted blogger that I am.
10. He's not a crook. He's not a politician.He's a monster demon. That's possibly better.
9. Born to multi-task, and have the arms to prove it.
8. Is there a better symbol for an ever increasing invasive government than a multi tentacled monster with suckers and a tendency to kill first, ask questions later? Not likely.
7. Motto: I am not an Ood --probalby will swing the Whovian vote and that splits both parties.
6. He has a compelling platform, I have an arm for every branch of the government, and for every overreach.
5. Admit it, you've probably voted for worse with less reason.
4. Strong defense: Any arms race we enter, I'll win.
3. For the moralists out there: There isn't a more evil choice on the ticket.
2. To Bring about a new era of cooperation: I'll end gridlock by reaching across the aisle. If they don't agree with me, I'll eat them.
1. Committed to evil in all things. Finally, an honest politician who lives up to or down as the case may be, to his hype.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Campaign Promises We Wish We'd Hear
Everyone has been saturated with campaign ads, campaign calls, political spin pieces and constant junk about what to vote for, but no politician on either side has ever offered to the hungry public what they really want. Here are proposed campaign promises, which if actually kept, would ensure whichever person/party embraced them, would hold total domination for the next 100 years out of gratitude from the voting public and their posterity.
10) Don't Call PAC List Protection Policy: Any PAC or Super Pac that called someone on the Don't Call List would instantly forfeit half of their collected resources to the charity of the offended caller's choice.
9) Fact Checked Poll Sampler Requirements: We have regulations for gas, sugar content and television ratings, why not for tools designed to present snapshots of where we are as a nation. Must contain 90% proof of numbers and proper sampling technique to be considered valid and be sent out on the wires for news consumption. No more Trans-Fact Free samples. They're bad for everyone.
8) Mommy rules of Discourse: You must say three things (true) and (nice) about your opponent before you can render a criticism. You may only tout your own accomplishments and plans, let the voters compare and contrast. You may not sic your older or younger siblings/friends on your opponent. It's the same as you. Play nice.
7) Daddy Rule: No more bundling. No more corporations giving to politicians or parties. No more suspicious credit cards from out of our country. If you do any of these, your campaign is suspended until all incorrectly or illegally received funds are ferreted out and rejected.
6) Responsibility rule: Tie the staff/salary of all elected officials to fulfilling their obligations. If you don't pass a budget, you and your staff don't get paid next year at all. If you still don't pass a budget, you forfeit any pork projects that would have gone to your constituencies. If you still don't pass a budget after that, you will present yourself on the Washington Mall as a target and the American people may throw rotten vegetables until you get the point.
5) Executive Order Elimination Destruct Zero Zero Zero: Eliminate all the regs/policies passed up to this point with the Executive Order, including in this Executive Order, the new policy, there will be no more (EVER) Executive Orders. End Runs around Congress=No need for Congress. This needs to be written into the Constitution so that the Executive Branch never again gets this kind of power that has been abused by Republican and Democrat alike. It short circuits the legal process of creating law and removes the people's opinions/values from the law itself. We cannot safeguard our liberties if we have no say in the creation of what becomes law.
4) Cutting through the Credibility Press: If they're going to pick a side, they must print headlines in red (Republican) or blue (Democrat) ink. Some enterprising person will create the Purple papers if they're serious about truth first in all things.
3) Math for Congress 101: We will bring in financial planners or Household Budgets for Dummies or Team Umizoomie (whatever it takes), and hold a seminar. No recess until they all get A's.
2) Reentry into the Wild: Animals that spend time in captivity must be reintroduced to the ways of the great out doors. The same I suspect is true of humans who enter into the political arena. So after serving in office in whatever capacity, former legislators must spend a year to work a minimum wage job in the private sector before they can return to DC as a lobbyist or aide or what have you. It will remind them of the real people they work for, who must abide by all the mischief lawmakers otherwise create.
1) All Animals are Equal Rule: For every drone sent over our country, a single drone will be assigned to each law maker. It will record their every move. As part of the honor of being a lawmaker, you must submit yourself to an IRS audit each year of your service. Thank you for your service. Be good.
Don't forget to vote tomorrow and God bless our country.
10) Don't Call PAC List Protection Policy: Any PAC or Super Pac that called someone on the Don't Call List would instantly forfeit half of their collected resources to the charity of the offended caller's choice.
9) Fact Checked Poll Sampler Requirements: We have regulations for gas, sugar content and television ratings, why not for tools designed to present snapshots of where we are as a nation. Must contain 90% proof of numbers and proper sampling technique to be considered valid and be sent out on the wires for news consumption. No more Trans-Fact Free samples. They're bad for everyone.
8) Mommy rules of Discourse: You must say three things (true) and (nice) about your opponent before you can render a criticism. You may only tout your own accomplishments and plans, let the voters compare and contrast. You may not sic your older or younger siblings/friends on your opponent. It's the same as you. Play nice.
7) Daddy Rule: No more bundling. No more corporations giving to politicians or parties. No more suspicious credit cards from out of our country. If you do any of these, your campaign is suspended until all incorrectly or illegally received funds are ferreted out and rejected.
6) Responsibility rule: Tie the staff/salary of all elected officials to fulfilling their obligations. If you don't pass a budget, you and your staff don't get paid next year at all. If you still don't pass a budget, you forfeit any pork projects that would have gone to your constituencies. If you still don't pass a budget after that, you will present yourself on the Washington Mall as a target and the American people may throw rotten vegetables until you get the point.
5) Executive Order Elimination Destruct Zero Zero Zero: Eliminate all the regs/policies passed up to this point with the Executive Order, including in this Executive Order, the new policy, there will be no more (EVER) Executive Orders. End Runs around Congress=No need for Congress. This needs to be written into the Constitution so that the Executive Branch never again gets this kind of power that has been abused by Republican and Democrat alike. It short circuits the legal process of creating law and removes the people's opinions/values from the law itself. We cannot safeguard our liberties if we have no say in the creation of what becomes law.
4) Cutting through the Credibility Press: If they're going to pick a side, they must print headlines in red (Republican) or blue (Democrat) ink. Some enterprising person will create the Purple papers if they're serious about truth first in all things.
3) Math for Congress 101: We will bring in financial planners or Household Budgets for Dummies or Team Umizoomie (whatever it takes), and hold a seminar. No recess until they all get A's.
2) Reentry into the Wild: Animals that spend time in captivity must be reintroduced to the ways of the great out doors. The same I suspect is true of humans who enter into the political arena. So after serving in office in whatever capacity, former legislators must spend a year to work a minimum wage job in the private sector before they can return to DC as a lobbyist or aide or what have you. It will remind them of the real people they work for, who must abide by all the mischief lawmakers otherwise create.
1) All Animals are Equal Rule: For every drone sent over our country, a single drone will be assigned to each law maker. It will record their every move. As part of the honor of being a lawmaker, you must submit yourself to an IRS audit each year of your service. Thank you for your service. Be good.
Don't forget to vote tomorrow and God bless our country.
Friday, October 19, 2012
The Al Smith Dinner
Here's the President's roast.
Both were charming and fun. My one question, where were these guys before this dinner? I will concede, I like self depricating humor best and think whoever remembers that a touch of humility speaks louder than any brags, will do better in the election. Yes I've still grave non negotiable issues but it was good to see both candidates being more human than debates or campaigns allow.
Then I saw the Cardinal Dolan's closing Benediction which I've only been able to find over at Whispers in the Loggia. The section on the "uns" of this country is profoundly moving. So go watch, I'll wait. But in my opinion, (Spoiler Alert), he wins. Hands down. Loved it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I Know She's Not on the Ballot
But given the state of things, what this nation really needs now is mom and apple pie.
Moms deal with fighting siblings who view minor infractions on their property as a reason to declare World War III, so a mom could certainly deal with the squabbles in congress.
When one party locks the other out of a bill writing session what do you think Mom would do? She'd bang on that door and demand they open it up and share or they'd be doing dishes and the laundry...in fact, because they did that, they get to do the dishes and laundry together.
When someone issues a fake apology, Mom would be there to make him redo it, mean it and make restitution. Then she'd watch over him like a hawk to make sure whatever it is, it didn't happen again.
When Congress votes itself a pay raise, Mom would be there to cross it out and say Knock it off, it's not like you're suffering and tell them to get back to work.
Mom would not let them leave the house in a mess, she'd make the Senate pick up their toys too.
Do you think Mom would let the press tell fibs about either side on anything? Me neither.
About Childhood obesity. She'd tell everyone to turn off the computer and tv and get outside and get some fresh air until dinner.
About the deficit. She'd cut coupons. She'd go to each department and tell them to prioritize. She'd then tell everyone who helped make this mess to chip in a bit. She'd also give everyone who helped spend us into this mess a serious lecture about accepting responsibility and make them chip in more.
On dealing with other countries/foreign policy. Don't give money to bullies. Don't play with bullies. Don't put up with bullies. And bullies? You're not welcome, you can't play with us. Shape up and we'll talk. Pretty simple.
On the unemployment problem, Mom always has jobs. Every mom I know can think of ten jobs that need doing right now. Imagine an army of moms. We'd have the rate down to zero if moms were in charge.
And lastly, it's been a hard few years. It's cold outside. We need a little warming, a little joy and sweetness and happiness. That's what the pie is for, she'd even make it a'la mode.
So Vote Mom in 2012 --She's not on the ticket, but she should be.
Moms deal with fighting siblings who view minor infractions on their property as a reason to declare World War III, so a mom could certainly deal with the squabbles in congress.
When one party locks the other out of a bill writing session what do you think Mom would do? She'd bang on that door and demand they open it up and share or they'd be doing dishes and the laundry...in fact, because they did that, they get to do the dishes and laundry together.
When someone issues a fake apology, Mom would be there to make him redo it, mean it and make restitution. Then she'd watch over him like a hawk to make sure whatever it is, it didn't happen again.
When Congress votes itself a pay raise, Mom would be there to cross it out and say Knock it off, it's not like you're suffering and tell them to get back to work.
Mom would not let them leave the house in a mess, she'd make the Senate pick up their toys too.
Do you think Mom would let the press tell fibs about either side on anything? Me neither.
About Childhood obesity. She'd tell everyone to turn off the computer and tv and get outside and get some fresh air until dinner.
About the deficit. She'd cut coupons. She'd go to each department and tell them to prioritize. She'd then tell everyone who helped make this mess to chip in a bit. She'd also give everyone who helped spend us into this mess a serious lecture about accepting responsibility and make them chip in more.
On dealing with other countries/foreign policy. Don't give money to bullies. Don't play with bullies. Don't put up with bullies. And bullies? You're not welcome, you can't play with us. Shape up and we'll talk. Pretty simple.
On the unemployment problem, Mom always has jobs. Every mom I know can think of ten jobs that need doing right now. Imagine an army of moms. We'd have the rate down to zero if moms were in charge.
And lastly, it's been a hard few years. It's cold outside. We need a little warming, a little joy and sweetness and happiness. That's what the pie is for, she'd even make it a'la mode.
So Vote Mom in 2012 --She's not on the ticket, but she should be.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
What would Rick from Casablanca Do?
I don't know why I didn't post this back when it was written, I think the actual electoral process was too surreal to add anything, but it's funny and so I give you a freshly thawed archive from the election cycle that was 2008.
You Must Remember This...
The political landscape continues to grow more confusing with each and every primary. Ergo, being American, we need a quick fix, an easy way to discern who is the right person, man or woman, for the most powerful job on Earth? I have the solution.
W.W. R. B. D?
What would Richard Blain, American Do? To answer this probing question, via the miracle of Forest Gump like technology and the blogosphere, we located Richard Blain of Casablanca at his Cafe American. He agreed to a short interview to answer some key questions for the voting public.
Me: What political party are you affiliated with?
Rick: I’m a drunkard.
Me: That makes you eligible for both parties, I’ll put you down as independent.
Me: On the subject of terrorism, you know about what is happening in the world. Who do you think will win the war?
Rick: I haven't the slightest idea.
Me: We are looking for a chance, looking for a leader. Can you imagine Guilliani as President? Can he take Florida?
Rick: Well there are certain parts of Miami I wouldn't advise him to invade.
Me: What about the economy?
Rick: We can last. In the meantime, everyone stays on salary. A bribe might work, it has before.
Me: Do you think the handshake deal between Congress and the current president will hold?
Rick: Certainly not! But since they’re in a hurry, the stimulus package will have to do.
Me: What about Hillary? I know you were never interested in any woman other than Ilsa, can she be President?
Rick: She’s not just any woman, but we went all over this with her husband. It's no deal.
Me: What about Edwards, Ron Paul and Romney? Do you despise them?
Rick: If I gave them any thought I would.
Me: But that leaves Huckabee, Obama, Hillary, Guilliani and McCain. How are we supposed to pick from this field. It's a crazy world, anything can happen.
Rick: Don't you ever wonder if it's worth it? I mean what you're fighting for?
Me: It was your cause too! In your own way…
Rick: I'm the only cause I'm interested in now. So I'll make you a counter offer. Instead of these petty candidates, suppose you put up a politician who really says what he or she means, that would be quite a coup for the USA wouldn't it?
Me: Yes it would, the Voters would be very grateful.
Rick: Then write in me. The republicans will eat their own, Hill and Bill get away, and the third party will help eliminate at last, all these petty annoyances.
Me: Why would you run?
Rick: Why not? The candidates make fictional narratives about their lives as part of the vetting process, why not put up an entirely fictional character for a candidate? At least then, the voters would know what they’re getting. They wouldn’t be “shocked. Shocked! To find corruption everywhere.”
Me: Why are you so interested in what happens to us?
Rick: I'm not. Your business is politics, mine is running a saloon, but I am interested in what happens to me.
Me: You? But what makes you think something would happen to you?
Rick: smoking a cigarette. I run a bar. I smoke. I serve liquor, I foster gambling. I'm in love with another man's wife, and I'm only a poor business man. I also happen to represent America at its best in cinematic fairy tales.
Me: You sound like most of the politicians in the race.
Rick: Sherry I don't want to shoot you but I will if you say one more word. You call the press and tell them I’m running for President and remember, this gun is aimed straight at your blog.
Me: That is my least vulnerable spot.
Call the press, round up the usual suspects!This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship…”
RICHARD BLANE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!
You Must Remember This...
The political landscape continues to grow more confusing with each and every primary. Ergo, being American, we need a quick fix, an easy way to discern who is the right person, man or woman, for the most powerful job on Earth? I have the solution.
W.W. R. B. D?
What would Richard Blain, American Do? To answer this probing question, via the miracle of Forest Gump like technology and the blogosphere, we located Richard Blain of Casablanca at his Cafe American. He agreed to a short interview to answer some key questions for the voting public.
Me: What political party are you affiliated with?
Rick: I’m a drunkard.
Me: That makes you eligible for both parties, I’ll put you down as independent.
Me: On the subject of terrorism, you know about what is happening in the world. Who do you think will win the war?
Rick: I haven't the slightest idea.
Me: We are looking for a chance, looking for a leader. Can you imagine Guilliani as President? Can he take Florida?
Rick: Well there are certain parts of Miami I wouldn't advise him to invade.
Me: What about the economy?
Rick: We can last. In the meantime, everyone stays on salary. A bribe might work, it has before.
Me: Do you think the handshake deal between Congress and the current president will hold?
Rick: Certainly not! But since they’re in a hurry, the stimulus package will have to do.
Me: What about Hillary? I know you were never interested in any woman other than Ilsa, can she be President?
Rick: She’s not just any woman, but we went all over this with her husband. It's no deal.
Me: What about Edwards, Ron Paul and Romney? Do you despise them?
Rick: If I gave them any thought I would.
Me: But that leaves Huckabee, Obama, Hillary, Guilliani and McCain. How are we supposed to pick from this field. It's a crazy world, anything can happen.
Rick: Don't you ever wonder if it's worth it? I mean what you're fighting for?
Me: It was your cause too! In your own way…
Rick: I'm the only cause I'm interested in now. So I'll make you a counter offer. Instead of these petty candidates, suppose you put up a politician who really says what he or she means, that would be quite a coup for the USA wouldn't it?
Me: Yes it would, the Voters would be very grateful.
Rick: Then write in me. The republicans will eat their own, Hill and Bill get away, and the third party will help eliminate at last, all these petty annoyances.
Me: Why would you run?
Rick: Why not? The candidates make fictional narratives about their lives as part of the vetting process, why not put up an entirely fictional character for a candidate? At least then, the voters would know what they’re getting. They wouldn’t be “shocked. Shocked! To find corruption everywhere.”
Me: Why are you so interested in what happens to us?
Rick: I'm not. Your business is politics, mine is running a saloon, but I am interested in what happens to me.
Me: You? But what makes you think something would happen to you?
Rick: smoking a cigarette. I run a bar. I smoke. I serve liquor, I foster gambling. I'm in love with another man's wife, and I'm only a poor business man. I also happen to represent America at its best in cinematic fairy tales.
Me: You sound like most of the politicians in the race.
Rick: Sherry I don't want to shoot you but I will if you say one more word. You call the press and tell them I’m running for President and remember, this gun is aimed straight at your blog.
Me: That is my least vulnerable spot.
Call the press, round up the usual suspects!This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship…”
RICHARD BLANE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Alien Questions
An alien that regularly text messages me when he/she, it, passes by Earth had some questions for me to answer regarding life in the United States.
Why can schools give out condoms to prevent pregnancy but not Tylenol to prevent cramps?
Why must we leave the earth as if we never existed? And if we did, who would know?
If schools are failing to teach children the basics, why is more school always the answer?
Why teach spelling if u cn wrt nd rd ths?
Why teach math if we don't believe in honest accounting, accurate statistical analysis and real numbers when it comes to weight, budgets, crowds, elections, projected costs and actual fiscal demands?
Why do people print and sell countless books on saving the environment rather than e-book the things and save trees?
Why do we teach children not to swear, cheat, fight or lie, hurt animals or engage in other inappropriate behavior, but have hours of television, scores of magazines, blogs and websites focused on celebrity lives that do all these things?
Why do we value free speech except when we disagree?
Why do we say play nice and how we hate negative campaigns but think our guy is justified?
Why do we think taxes will only affect the other guy?
Why are we convinced the other guy is always enjoying life too much?
Why are we convinced that we are never the other guy?
All to which I had only one answer. I texted, "You're the smart one. You're in outer space. I don't know."
Why can schools give out condoms to prevent pregnancy but not Tylenol to prevent cramps?
Why must we leave the earth as if we never existed? And if we did, who would know?
If schools are failing to teach children the basics, why is more school always the answer?
If Rosetta Stone works and Your Baby Can Read Works, and all those "Subject matter for Dummies books" work, why aren't they used in schools?
If every child is different, why do we teach them all the same material and most of them the same way, at the same age?
Why does it cost $160,000 to earn a piece of paper that will only guarantee you a shot at around $40,000.00 unless you take on additional schooling?Why teach spelling if u cn wrt nd rd ths?
Why teach math if we don't believe in honest accounting, accurate statistical analysis and real numbers when it comes to weight, budgets, crowds, elections, projected costs and actual fiscal demands?
Why do people print and sell countless books on saving the environment rather than e-book the things and save trees?
Why do we teach children not to swear, cheat, fight or lie, hurt animals or engage in other inappropriate behavior, but have hours of television, scores of magazines, blogs and websites focused on celebrity lives that do all these things?
Why do we value free speech except when we disagree?
Why do we say play nice and how we hate negative campaigns but think our guy is justified?
Why do we think taxes will only affect the other guy?
Why are we convinced the other guy is always enjoying life too much?
Why are we convinced that we are never the other guy?
All to which I had only one answer. I texted, "You're the smart one. You're in outer space. I don't know."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Not So New News
By now the news is not new. ABC is setting up shop in the White House to produce its daily dose of cheerleading for the sitting President and his party. So the question must be asked, by the networks that have not been chosen. “What exactly does a network have to do to get a primo spot like that around here?” It’s not like CBS, NBC, MSNBC, and CNN weren’t swooning at the commander in chief’s every utterance.
Keith Olberman commiserated with Chris Matthews over sample Prozacs and a few stiff drinks. “I felt the thrill; I would have felt it every night for him.” He sobbed into his double martini. “I still do man…”Keith was sticking to the harder stuff and working on a way to blame Bush or Sarah Palin for the journalistic coup using Twitter. “How can I convey the level of incompetency and my complete loathing in only 140 characters? It’s not enough even for a haiku!”
The Newsweek editor Evan Thomas was spotted wondering the halls of his office building in shock. “I believed. Didn’t I believe enough? D’oh. It was that “sort of” hesitation. I should have just declared him god and been done with it. Doubt. That was my downfall. He found my lack of faith disturbing.”
So ABC’s Charlie Gibson shall deliver the nightly news from the blue room. But let’s call this show what it really is, the ultimate reality television survivor show minus annoying television host, Jeff Probst. Coming soon, “O-44-24” because Jack Bauer isn’t man enough for the job, there’s the President. Seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year, every second of every day, we’ll cover him so you too can appreciate the profound historic nature of his every breath, his every thought, his every pondering moment.
Watch as the President goes to a soccer game. (Gasp!) As he orders burgers. (Sigh). As he puts his feet up on the desk to make phone calls. (This is presidential; this is what it is all about). As he swats a fly with ninja type accuracy and his cat like reflexes! And for sweeps week, Date Night! And a bonus trip abroad to some place where he and his family can kick back and relax, maybe take that shirt off to show how buff he is.
Does anyone think that there wouldn’t be a mass media revolt if Fox News had set up shop inside the Bush Oval Office? Does anyone not think they would have declared it a puppet media mouthpiece of the President? Does anyone not think that every left wing/liberal would be excoriating the blogosphere and airways about the inherent unsavory relationship between the press and the people in power if this had taken place? They would have been right to do so, but they are not squawking now because the parrots of ABC shall repeat what they believe and what the Administration wants us to hear, all in the name of access and transparency.
But it’s not too late. The other networks could come up with something even better. There must be a way to prove themselves greater toadies than the American Broadcasting Company.
So here’s my proposal. Don’t even say any news. Don’t air any programs. Just line up the stars to offer their lauds to our current president every hour, all day and all night long, until everyone, men, women and children, dogs and cats, birds and worms, all manner of bacterial life start to chant over and over again, “Obama Rocks.”
During the commercials for movies no one watches and cars no one buys, have a rolling screed along the bottom, “Obama is good. Obama is Great. We Love Him. We Love Him More than ABC. We Love Him more than our spouses, our offspring and our dogs.”
Then, we can call Jeff Probst to conduct the ultimate survivor series over the course of a single year. “Which Media Outlet Loves Him Most.” Losers get voted out into the island of Bermuda where they can suffer being marooned on a tropical island that most people pay good money to go visit.
Keith Olberman commiserated with Chris Matthews over sample Prozacs and a few stiff drinks. “I felt the thrill; I would have felt it every night for him.” He sobbed into his double martini. “I still do man…”Keith was sticking to the harder stuff and working on a way to blame Bush or Sarah Palin for the journalistic coup using Twitter. “How can I convey the level of incompetency and my complete loathing in only 140 characters? It’s not enough even for a haiku!”
The Newsweek editor Evan Thomas was spotted wondering the halls of his office building in shock. “I believed. Didn’t I believe enough? D’oh. It was that “sort of” hesitation. I should have just declared him god and been done with it. Doubt. That was my downfall. He found my lack of faith disturbing.”
So ABC’s Charlie Gibson shall deliver the nightly news from the blue room. But let’s call this show what it really is, the ultimate reality television survivor show minus annoying television host, Jeff Probst. Coming soon, “O-44-24” because Jack Bauer isn’t man enough for the job, there’s the President. Seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year, every second of every day, we’ll cover him so you too can appreciate the profound historic nature of his every breath, his every thought, his every pondering moment.
Watch as the President goes to a soccer game. (Gasp!) As he orders burgers. (Sigh). As he puts his feet up on the desk to make phone calls. (This is presidential; this is what it is all about). As he swats a fly with ninja type accuracy and his cat like reflexes! And for sweeps week, Date Night! And a bonus trip abroad to some place where he and his family can kick back and relax, maybe take that shirt off to show how buff he is.
Does anyone think that there wouldn’t be a mass media revolt if Fox News had set up shop inside the Bush Oval Office? Does anyone not think they would have declared it a puppet media mouthpiece of the President? Does anyone not think that every left wing/liberal would be excoriating the blogosphere and airways about the inherent unsavory relationship between the press and the people in power if this had taken place? They would have been right to do so, but they are not squawking now because the parrots of ABC shall repeat what they believe and what the Administration wants us to hear, all in the name of access and transparency.
But it’s not too late. The other networks could come up with something even better. There must be a way to prove themselves greater toadies than the American Broadcasting Company.
So here’s my proposal. Don’t even say any news. Don’t air any programs. Just line up the stars to offer their lauds to our current president every hour, all day and all night long, until everyone, men, women and children, dogs and cats, birds and worms, all manner of bacterial life start to chant over and over again, “Obama Rocks.”
During the commercials for movies no one watches and cars no one buys, have a rolling screed along the bottom, “Obama is good. Obama is Great. We Love Him. We Love Him More than ABC. We Love Him more than our spouses, our offspring and our dogs.”
Then, we can call Jeff Probst to conduct the ultimate survivor series over the course of a single year. “Which Media Outlet Loves Him Most.” Losers get voted out into the island of Bermuda where they can suffer being marooned on a tropical island that most people pay good money to go visit.
Friday, January 9, 2009
If This Keeps Up, I'm Handing Out Tooth Brushes, Apples and Popcorn balls
Someone check the calendar. I think it’s Halloween. All these companies keep knocking on the government door and asking for goodies. And they’re scaring me.
First there was AIG and Citibank. 350 billion gone without oversight…but, but….Congress is not giving out that other 375 billion without a few more conditions. You can’t T.P. the mall if you want the rest of the dough.
Then, there were the big three. They were scolded and sent home because they hadn’t bothered to dress up. We don’t give out paydays or 100,000 Grand bars to trick o’treaters who aren’t in costume.
As the hours drift by, the bigger kids came out to beg. Newspapers and Porn industries are currently seeking bail out funds from Congress. Right now, all we have left are sweet tarts and skittles. However, an emergency run has been made to the local Walmart to grab a few bags of the good stuff.
For a measily 1.25 Trillion or more, we’re not sure exactly, the Economy might be saved. We’ll extend October 31st indefinitely, until everyone that wants some candy, gets some. We’ll even raid our own kid’s candy stash to make sure those who knock on the door, get something good.
Just someone show up and surprise me by being the designated driver for all these drunken sailors. (I know, I'm mixing metaphores and it's an insult to drunken navy servicemen and women everywhere).
Trick or Treat.
First there was AIG and Citibank. 350 billion gone without oversight…but, but….Congress is not giving out that other 375 billion without a few more conditions. You can’t T.P. the mall if you want the rest of the dough.
Then, there were the big three. They were scolded and sent home because they hadn’t bothered to dress up. We don’t give out paydays or 100,000 Grand bars to trick o’treaters who aren’t in costume.
As the hours drift by, the bigger kids came out to beg. Newspapers and Porn industries are currently seeking bail out funds from Congress. Right now, all we have left are sweet tarts and skittles. However, an emergency run has been made to the local Walmart to grab a few bags of the good stuff.
For a measily 1.25 Trillion or more, we’re not sure exactly, the Economy might be saved. We’ll extend October 31st indefinitely, until everyone that wants some candy, gets some. We’ll even raid our own kid’s candy stash to make sure those who knock on the door, get something good.
Just someone show up and surprise me by being the designated driver for all these drunken sailors. (I know, I'm mixing metaphores and it's an insult to drunken navy servicemen and women everywhere).
Trick or Treat.
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