Tuesday, October 31, 2017

What Kind of Candy Test?

It's Halloween, and before we all collectively raid our children's stashes for those coveted Almond Joys, Twix bars and Snickers, it's time to play everyone's favorite hypothetical, "What kind of candy are you?" test.

We'll get the big guns out of the way. 

Donald Trump:  "If I were a candy bar, I'd be huge, wildly popular, the most amazing candy you've ever seen." 

The researchers here at Chocolate For Your Brain know candy, and you sir, are a Payday.  Why?  Because no one wants one, no one's happy to see it in their candy stash, it's a bit nutty with a goey indeciperable center, but for some reason, it persists and pretends to be a confection everybody loves.  Even the slogan, "Everybody loves a payday." feels like a forced mantra, something the people who manufacture paydays would like everyone to believe, but again, no one has ever sighted anyone eating an actual payday.   Further, no one has ever admitted to having consumed one.

Hillary Clinton:  100 Grand.  Why?  Because she's crispy on the inside, and everyone knows it.  Also, she'd like to think she's got big clout, but 100 Grand doesn't go as far as it used to, and never became the darling the creators dreamed it might be with their slogan, "Who wouldn't like a 100 Grand?"  Like Payday, the hundred thousand dollar bar candy banks on people agreeing before they taste it, and like Hillary, the 100 Grand bar has repacked itself on multiple occasions in an attempt to garner greater popularity.   It's never worked but really, 100 Grand, One Hundred Thousand Dollar Bar, what difference does it make?

Bernie Sanders:  A Goodbar.  Most people like them when they get them, but they never actively seek them out.  They're also hard to find in the markets.  The candy's rather simple and straight forward, and yet never quite what we're looking for.

Democratic Party:  Bit-o-honey.  They insist they're not wrong.  They insist you'll love them if you just try them.  They have no interest in hearing any other point of view.   Even when you're down to the last of your Halloween stockpile, you won't touch them.

Republican Party: Jolly Ranchers.  They're hard.  They think everyone loves them.  They're always last picked and most of the time they suck, and some of the time, they bite.

Note what's missing?  Sure.  We're missing a Kitkat, a Snicker's, a Hershey's bar and a Reese Peanut Butter Cup!

Why are we missing these better candydates?   Because there isn't anything good on the menu. 

For that to happen, the candidates and political parties would have to give us a break, satisfy, put a smile on our face and work well with the other side, so two great tastes would work well together.

If I sound sour patched on the whole political process, you're right, but remember, I kid. 

Happy Halloween

So you get a treat, my latest at the Register in the Rosary Series.  I promise more writing this week, once we get past tonight.   Happy Halloween everyone!

Monday, October 23, 2017

Sorry I've been AWOL

Here's my latest at the National Catholic Register, part of my series on the Rosary. This time, we delve into the Visitation.  Also, I'm  posting a link to last week's Small Success Thursday, "Will it until You Become it."

Where has Sherry been?  Is she still writing?  Why is she writing about herself in third person? 

She's been grading essays.  She's writing, but finds her prose is junkola, so she hasn't shared it. 

She's writing in third person rather than admit, I've spent the weekend watching sports, eating food that is not good for me and not exercising or writing.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

There's a Hole in My Wallet

I love giving gift cards as presents.It's the slacker Mom in me, but as a slacker mom, it's better to give than to receive.When my kids get them, it's a constant reminder to go shopping until said child slaps that plastic down at the store. Whether they want it or not is mostly irrelevant, what matters is spending the money.
Something about birthday money triggers the gotta-spend-it-or-I'll-die gene in my children. They'll stare at their purses or banks and sigh. They drop hints about the store hours, potential sales, and even wash dishes in an attempt to butter me up. I let them. After the direct bribe attempt fails, they position themselves in front of the door to the house with my wallet and keys. They'll mention once, twice, in every conversation, via text message and even create a twitter hashtag though they don't have a twitter account, #mymomnevertakesmeshoppingandothercruelties to ensure I get the message. Before I become viral or trending, I concede to their request, but not without some soul wrestling of my own.

I know one of three things will happen: 

1) they will spend over their limit but find something they love love love such I either bankroll the difference or seem like a world class miserly curmudgeon or... 

2) Binge shopping until the card drops. 

The problem with binge shopping of this nature, is the desire to spend outweighs the actual need to acquire, but the young shoppers won't rest until the amount left on those pieces of plastic is less than a nickel. So what if we have to purchase a pack of gum they don't chew, it's worth it to have that credit card balance read .03.

Offering my own two cents, like maybe for saving the money or spending some, not all, is met with a stare that translates to "Mom, are you nuts? We did the dishes for you, of course we're going to spend it all."

 And so it comes to pass, we own a Pickachu dressed in a Pirate costume, some silly putty, pens each color of the rainbow, three t-shirts with Halloween themed designs, an umbrella festooned with ice cream cones and some Shopkins, (which are plastic foods with cute faces). The balance reads 1.39 and my daughter runs to get a tube of mini-M&M's.

 Walking out the door, carrying her bounty, my daughter remembers, "I lost my water bottle at the party." "I remember." I said.

 "Can we go back into the store so you can buy me a new one?" she asks. "I'd buy it myself but I'm all out of money."

And that's #3 of what happens. 

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!