Saturday, March 23, 2013

How to Get Rich on a Stupid Conspiracy Spambot Saturday

Was it a Spambot Saturday Crawl by or wasn't it???  Originally run on May 4th, 2011...

There are the birthers, the truthers, the deathers and the Roswell hopefuls, JFK and Marilyn Monroe conspiracy theorists, and fan fiction writers of history who believe anything but what is considered common knowledge.  Everyone has some blind spots, but it's when we decide that what we see is missing a few fractals and we suddenly presume our vision is clearer than anyone else's that we run into trouble.  That being said, in this age of instant access to a google's worth of dubious sources, I'm of the mind that if one fabricated purely fictitious conspiracy and seeded it out there in the Internet, cottage industries supporting the validity and veracity of the mystery would pop up faster than dandelions on a summer's day.

Thus I'm here to provide the formula for the next Sham Wow P.T. Barnum Seller of expensive exclusive imported bottled sunshine. Apply at your own risk.

1) Watch the news.  Pick an item: Sports, Weather, Celebrities, Politics, Food, Economics, Seasonal, Feel Good Local Stories.

2) Fire up your imagination and add a little Charlie Sheen type reasoning or read the Inquirer.  Is it drugged, fixed, forged, corked, destroyed, observed by satellites, photo shopped, controlled by a secret society, alien, undead, heavenly, magical, extinct, curative, radiated, chemically deadly, a super bug that causes every condition known to man, or a wonder drug that cures every condition known to man.  Macro or micro, all you have to do is decide that something of reality is completely fabricated and Dan Brown like, only you and a select few insightful ones know...the TRUTH.

2) Create a Wikipedia page stating the stupid theory whatever it is.  Give it a Catchy name that sounds vague yet threatening...What's the secret of THE BOX?  Attach photos.  Circle random spots in red or add dashes or lines to intensely written explanations that insinuate multiple crazy claims that are all overly technical and in very tiny print.  Below the pictures, write in ALL CAPS TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS IT IS IMPORTANT, your key theory. Make sure the take home point is digestible without reading the fine point or thinking too much.  You want the kid in his mom's basement to take the message with them to their next YouTube viewing.

Poor Example: The box devalues currency by proactively adjusting the cost of everything to make the cost of living progressively more oppressive inversely indexed to one's means.  


3) Source your selected paranoia by playing connect the imaginary dots.  Velcro your suspicions to national corporations or organizations that recently got bad press.   Then leave teasers on Facebook, Twitter and blogs in the commentary section in forums that might be interested.  In Economics for example, go to Real Clear Markets and in the comments section, "Want to KNOW why you make less money than your neighbor?...FIND OUT THE SECRET OF THE BOX..."  with the link embedded to your wiki page.

4) Merchandise your theory.  Design a T-shirt, Slogan, bumper sticker, hats.  Make sure the t-shirt is dark and smugly cryptic.  "I KNOW WHAT'S IN THE BOX."  Exclusivity of a conspiracy theory makes EVERYONE want to join. Be the Smartest one in the room, KNOW THE SECRET OF THE BOX.

5) Create the Counter Theory using the same method.  Be sure to adopt a snarky tone and attack theory and it's backers  page personally.  "Jane you ignorant slut" type slams are de rigour.  Make sure your t-shirts are the mirror opposite in color scheme.  "THINKING OUTSIDE THE STUPID BOX" or showing a round peg breaking through a square hole.

Tag the originals with a derisive knickname. "Boxers" or some such.  It will double your income and increase original followers as everyone who wants to know what they think will try to be open minded by checking both sides out before picking one. Do however, make the upstart counter theory have a swagger or machismo to it's identify by slurring the whole mass of people who follow the original line of thinking.  Example for a bumper sticker: When Dealing with a BOXER, Keep it BRIEF.  Sarcastic fonts and a sneering attitude cannot be emphasized enough.

6) Become the face of the theory.  Post a video explaining in excruciating detail the nuances of your theory or counter theory.  Use the commentary that will have been generated by those lemmings that have glommed onto your wiki page to buttress your initial theory, it will validate their joining you and make you seem even more brilliant in their eyes.  Speak as though the theory itself is passe, common knowledge, that way the conspiracy becomes perceived as possibly being not simply a theory but a fact that everyone  ought to know and probably learned in grade school or high school but forgot. 

7) Write a book explaining the progression/story arc of your theory. Flesh it out with personal stories that reveal that even if the theory itself ever gets disproven, you are a worthy intellect that should be consulted from time to time because you tell good tales and can fill air well.  Be sure to create multi-media displays that do not actually advance any knowledge but retell everything you've said in a more colorful and visually arresting way.  Also, put in proper outrageous claims of the utopia/serenity/wealth/dream like existence either being denied or actively destroyed by not subscribing to the theory.  Be sure to include a public disclaimer that you just don't know you only suspect so you can't get sued.

FINALLY*Blog Writer/Editor Note: None of these tips have been proven to work nor are we advocating in any way creating crank pot theories for the purposes of getting rich beyond your wildest dreams.  Or are we?  Yes. There are two number that an editing error or a clue to the untold riches I've not yet found but are all locked in the back side of a two dollar bill...I'll never tell.

P.S. The first hit to this piece was from an unknown and untrackable I.P address!  They're on to me!

Host your own Spambot Saturday and leave a link to it in the combox.  Come on people, all I'm asking is to be invited to read prose lost to the passage of time on the internet. 


Jody Worsham said...

lhave no idea what you just said, but I believe you. Have you already started as campaign manager for the next presidential race? Or is that in the box?

Sharon said...

Clever and funny. Go for it. Set up a website for a mysterious gift that has been denied us by the Constitution and the Masons. Then tell everyone that they can have the gift by sending you $49.95 and shipping costs.

Mum2eight said...

Love it Sherri. It is posts like this that keep me coming back here.

Zed said...

The truth is out there.

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!