Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Momma Yoda's Pregnancy and Birthing Tips

When you sit in an OBGYN office as often as I have, you run into rookies who have understandably romantic notions of pregnancy and birth, you've also heard every crazy birthing idea ever conceived.  As a Jedi Master of Gestation, I offer these  some tidbits of wisdom garnered from 10 years worth of time in the waiting room of Dagobah. 

10) Gentlemen, husbands please, unless you are volunteering to go through a root canal minus the Novocaine, do not presume to tell your pregnant wife that she really ought to try for a purely natural birth if she does not herself actually want it.  Women, you were born in a world of technologies and wonderful medicines, take advantage of your blessings. Like I told Padme, they don't give out extra prizes for biting the bullet, only the actual babies delivered.

9) Yoda Mom says, "Fine Breathing is, epidural better." 

8) La Leche women will leave your room much sooner if you just nod your head and bleat after them, "Breast is best." Alternatively, have your husband do his best wookie imitation; it Will scare them off.

7) "Glu"cola is aptly named.  But it still tastes better than most food served in any of the films.

6) No matter what the fashion magazines for expecting women say, Yellow is never a good color after the fourth month.  The styling young Jedi wears clothes that will not recall the form of big bird. 

5) Something at some point, will not go as planned.  You will feel like a rookie quarterback after the first sack in the first game of the National Football League season; this will be your wake up call to the roles of Mother and Father. You will never forget this first hit, though more will most assuredly come.  Welcome to the NFL. 

Sorry, broke the form for a moment, what I meant to say is, "You have taken your first step into a much larger world."

4) After birth, on the third day, male or female, you will feel crummy.  Quoting Han Solo, "I feel terrible."

3) As much as you may cry the first time you catch yourself in a maternity swim suit, I promise you it feels beyond fabulous to get in the water.  My own inner critic still tells me, "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

2) For me, as reliable as an Ultrasound was my emotion-meter.  If I had energy and could handle anything, it was a boy.  If I cried at the schmaltz of a McDonald's or Maxwell House coffee commercial, I knew for certain, it was a girl.  "Search your feelings.  You know it to be true."

1) I don't care how ethically pure it may be, the idea of eating the placenta is beyond gross.  I mean, and what would you serve it with anyway?  Even the Mitichlorians draw the line somewhere and I concur with their wisdom.  There are many fine things to eat in this world.  The temporary liver type organ used to sustain your baby for 9 months, is not one of them. 

Mother Yoda's Ten lessons garnered from 17 years of Potty Training will be revealed at some point when I discover actually how to encourage a bull headed two or three year old to consent to such indelicate matters without offering a dog, pony, SUV and a year's worth of M& M's and swimming lessons.   Then we'll move onto discussing surviving adolescence and eventually, paying for college.  Say you're not scared?  "You will be.  You Will be."


Maria Fernanda McClure said...

Doubt not the wisdom of mothers who have come before you.

When my first was 5 months old, she developed a fever and some sniffles, but no other symptoms. My mother (one of 9 and mother of 3) said, "Don't worry, she's probably just teething. Lot's of kids get a fever when they teethe.") Being the parenting expert that I was, I gave her a look suggesting I thought she was out of her mind, called the doctor and made an appointment.

Diagnosis? "Don't worry, she's teething. Lot's of kids get a fever when they teethe."

MightyMom said...

Too good!! Mama yoda.

But I can blow number two out of the water. I must tell you about the Geico commercial.....I basked my eyes out for half an hour....3 days later found out I was pregnant....with Sonshine!!! The next pregnancy I could juggle chainsaws while standing on my head and whistling Dixie out my ..... That was Gator. And I flat don't remember Sugars' pregnancy.

Karen said...

Push the admitting nurse for a private room. Tell her that you are trying to avoid any "imperial entanglements."

When your OB recommends Pitocin, boast that you made the "Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs." Ask, "Is that fast enough for you, old man?"

At the critical moment, turn off your targeting computer, trust your instinct, and drop that baby down the shaft.

Lastly, after successful delivery, when your partner professes love, respond simply, "I know."

Awards ceremony and gold medals optional upon return home.

Anonymous said...

Not to be a nerd, but don't you mean, "Mitichlorians", not mitochondrians?


SherryTex said...

SSSISSSTER.....my failure is complete.

on a related note: NERRRRRD!

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!