Monday, May 3, 2010

My Fault

I am officially responsible for everything wrong in this world.  I know I've tried to explain that I wasn't born yet, that I have no knowledge of such things, that I have no power, but after years of being bombarded, I've come to understand that all my rational explanations were just a dodge, a cop out, a stubborn unwillingness to face my own culpability.  It's me.

The outrageous pollen count?  My fault. I have offspring and their favorite activity is to make wishes.  So the general population of dandelions has increased exponentially this spring. 

The gigantic blizzard this past winter?  Again, my bad.  I actually was praying for a big snow because I didn't like how jumbled our shedule was for the coming week and wanted a guilt free way to get out of all our obligations. 

The crisis of Obesity? I watch the food network religiously, ergo I boost their ratings, enabling them to show still more television shows about yummy rich food, tempting those who would otherwise be svelt people to overindulge.

The untimely demise of James Brown?  I had front row seats to his next concert that summer. 

The oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico? I went down to Texas a few weeks ago and stuck my toe in the water and filled a bottle to bring back to Maryland.  Clearly, I upset the ocean equilibrium with my violative acts. 

The hole in the Ozone? A preemptive act by the Earth in response to knowing that one day I would drive not one but two SUV's and have a large family.

The Budget Deficit? I voted Republican in every Presidential election and I bet, if I'd been born in earlier decades, I still would have simply voted for Republicans more. So who else could one possibly blame?

The recession? When I first started trying to grow money via the stock market, I put away in an Asian fund. For ten years. For ten years, it lost money until I finally swapped out. The Asian stock market subsequently pulled a major turn around. No I'm not telling you what I've currently got our money in but we bought a big house in 2007 and....

So, now you know when you skin your knee or burn your dinner or have an overdue library book or extra expensive bill from the Utilities company (and not because someone left the hose on overnight) who to blame.  It's Me.

Why? How do I know?

Simple.  I'm the parent of multiple adolescents and I ruin everything.


Cathy said...

And not only are you responsible for every ill in the world, you are horribly dressed for the occasion.

I know. I have two teens myself.

Anonymous said...

LOL!! Great job linking minor behaviors to catastrophic events - and making them funny.

Thanks for taking the blame, Sherry. Up until now I thought it was all my fault. At least that's what I'd been told enough times.

Marti said...

Ha! Yup, it can't be all your fault, because my kids blame me for everything, too!

MightyMom said...

dang! I'm bringing this Woody Doll that keeps losing it's arm to YOU to fix! seeing as how it's YOUR FAULT it keeps falling off all the time!

where'd I put your address?

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