What Do I Do Now?

Here I am, my children all safely tucked away in beds 2,100 miles away from me.  My husband took them to visit his folks while I flew to Texas to see my parents and one of my brothers and my sister, her husband and their almost one year old daughter.   I am here and I do not have a role.  I cannot Martha my way around the room because there is nothing to Martha. 

What I have discovered is I would make a boring batchellorette.  I read the paper.  I write little.  I eat too much and I exercise.  Time unfolds at a snails pace with nary a rushed moment and I'm groping for ways to fill the minutes. It is odd to have no job.  The quiet of my own mind is more than I've come to be accustomed to in 17 years of parenting.  It's like I'm a Supreme Pizza that forgot all the toppings or the one pin left standing after a failed spare.  I am glad to be with these people I love fiercely.  I'm grateful for the trip and for this time.

I also feel fully aware of how whittled down my own life becomes in the absence of my children. But, as my sage brother pointed out, when I return, it will be to launch back into school after spring break.  Thinking about the bills and the projects coming due, the laundry that will await me and suddenly, I guess I will just savor this spare time a bit more.  It will probably make the time seem to fly by faster as a result.

But this is Martha being told to sit and Mary.  It is a lot more difficult than one would suspect. It will be a bear to one day retire.