All I Want for Christmas is NOT As Seen On TV

Over the past few weeks, my kids have been overwhelmed by infomertials that ran in between harmless Christmas specials. They've been brainwashed into thinking the "As seen on TV stuff" I just can't bring myself to buy, would make perfect presents.

First, there was concern about what to leave for Santa as a snack. We didn't have the perfect brownie patented mold. No one had ever complained before. I had always been gracious about eating the ruined ones, but now, there was no excuse for my irregular batches of chocolate gooey goodness. I suggested we make a cake instead.

But I didn't have the giant cupcake mold. I'd seen that commercial: bratty children stick out their tongues at a plate of cupcakes and give gob smacking smiles for the single one the size of a turkey. My oldest daughter looked at it and said, "Isn't that just a cake?" but my middle son took down the phone number.

Indoctrinated by the many opportunities I was letting slip through my fingers, they tried practical suggestions, like the "Your Baby can Read!" program for three payments of 29.95! I explained that I didn't want to fork over 90 dollars for flashcards and videos. My kindergartner shook his head ruefully. I could almost hear the "She's a bad mother." whisper in his head.

When you have nine children, you figure, you're going to disappoint some, but hopefully not all. My easiest to please was brought down by bump-its. My daughter said those hair clips would make her look "fabulous" especially for Christmas. I sighed knowing she would be disappointed by the lack of fat hair December 25th, though I did get her shampoo, conditioner and a hairbrush.

The bathrooms today are toothpaste debris free but only because I cleaned them this morning. They'll have to squeeze the last bit of paste out with manual labor, by rolling it, and they'll have to wipe down the counter because I yell about the gobs of blue goo.

They won't have moonsand or paperoni or chixos or bendaroos because I struggle cleaning up from the endless crafts my kids design with ordinary paper plates, kleenex and cotton balls. I have enough maternal guilt already from all the times I've tossed their creations in the trash, such that I do not want to purchase more craft items I Know I'm going to throw away.

Having openly mocked Snuggie robes as gifts for those who find blankets too complicated, I was surprised when my toddler daughters suggested it as the ideal gift for me. My older ones have heard me rant that they're like the chia-pet version of a sweater and used to be called mu-mus. But if the 2 and four year old use those puppy dog eyes on their daddy because they think the zebra stripe looks pretty, I'm getting one and I'll have to grin and wear it, often.

So next year for the sake of mothers everywhere, I'm creating my own infomertial.

All the perfect gifts for Mom; gourmet chocolate, a silver watch and a red wool wrap available with one phone call. Credit cards accepted. In four easy installments of 39.99, you can have the perfect gifts for your mother! Women all over the fruited plane currently sweating in leopard polar fleece burkhas and eating perfect brownies will thank me. Order now!