Products Neither Endorsed Nor Approved by the Administration

Product licensing of the image of the current popular president has become a thorny issue for the administration. How to curb abuses of the decorum of the office and the dignity of a person without diminishing public enthusiasm? In a time when people are working hard to rack their brains for ways to economize and make extra dough, punishing entrepreneurs seems counter intuitive for a bright shiny new President wanting to help get the country back on its feet.

Still, the President is the president and he has to draw the line somewhere.
The following is a list by no means comprehensive, of Obama items not approved.

5) Michelle thought the Obama Underwear was funny but thought the airbrushed sheets with his image in the Hawaiian surf were creepy. In the spirit of compromise, both were stopped.

4) There was a strong push in the spirit of bipartisanship to allow the Obama popsicles stay on the market. Those who loved Obama could shower the confection with their affection. Those who didn’t could chew the ice. However, good taste prevented the administration from going forward. The idea of an elementary school full of children eating frozen versions of the leader of the free world didn't sit well.

3) Obamuppet, the newest character on PBS, the President of Sesame Street was turned down for use in the 35 year old educational television show. Obamuppet was created with affection from beyond the grave by Frank Oz himself! This more handsome than Guy Smiley, loveable than Grover and wiser than Kermit puppet was nixed because the DNC decided that he needed a larger platform on which to work and is currently in negotiations to have the newest Frank Oz creation host his own news and commentary program to run opposite Sean Hannity.

2) Obamawine: Despite being an excellent vintage with a delicate bouquet and rich deep tannins reflecting the complex and compelling mysterious nature of the man himself, the tag line, "Drink it and what you hope, changes," made this otherwise promising product, DOA.

1) Obama Nicorrette Gum: It seemed like a natural match, and it would boost sales and thus stimulate the economy while making those who used the product healthier, thus putting less of a drain on the overtaxed health system, but the loss in tax revenue made this a non starter.

Feel free to add to the list. I just thought I'd have some fun.

Waygu Steaks for Everyone!...Except you...

To celebrate the biggest pork barrel bill ever crafted in the history of spending, even taking into account adjustments due to inflation, of course our new President would want to show that he and his family and party understand that we all have to make sacrifices. We all have to have skin in the game.

"Thus the First family feasted on Wagyu beef."

For those unfamiliar with this beefy delicacy, Wagyu beef is a Japanese creation wherein cows are fed bottled beer and massaged daily to ensure when they're slaughtered, the meat is marbled, tender and worth 100$ or more per pound.

It just seems a bit...argula type excessive. But, maybe I'm wrong, maybe he ordered the ground chuck Wagyu or the round roast cut.

Settling into his new home in DC, Obama, who hates the cold, had cranked up the thermostat in the White House. "He's from Hawaii, OK?" said his senior adviser, David Axelrod, who occupies the small but strategically located office next door to his boss. "He likes it warm. You could grow orchids in there."

And when there's work to be done outside of their address on Pennsylvania Avenue, he hops into his electric...oops...hybrid...no...no...envionmentally friendly...nope, try again....inexpensive...no...modest..."Beast" of a Cadillac that consumes more petrol than a small bus. It's all legitimate. It's for the protection of the President and that's appropriate.

After all, in these days, "We can't drive our SUV's and eat as much as we want and heat our homes to 72 degrees."

Oh...he meant WE can't.

Purple Prose Pens in Short Supply!

With the Obama administration having taken the reins of power and freed the land from the oppressive darkness of the evil Bush-Cheney years that shall henceforth be called "the-years-that-could-not-be-named, but-caused-all-that-is-wrong-in-the-world," writers from every corner of the globe are dusting off their thesauruses to rediscover positive adjectives.

Eight years of excoriating vitriol and "I triple dog dare you to Hate Bush more," one upsmanship in the journalistic world has left the media struggling to remember how to give an genuine compliment.

When Bill Clinton was elected president in 92, Newsweek ran a cover with him as Saint George with the pensive and supposedly "hypothetical" question, "Can He Save Washington?" with the Dragon being the obvious bureaucratic monstrosity that everyone denounces except when it's giving your state, special interest, bank, business, or "very special friends," a sizable kickback.

When "W" became president, there were equally silly articles talking about how "the grownups" had arrived. Every election, the news industry gets collective amnesia and works itself into a frenzy that typically would result in the issuing of a restraining order if exhibited by normal human beings.

In articles this week alone, President Obama has compared to Joshua in the Old Testament and John the Baptist and Saint Paul. One person said, hearing him speak was like hearing God. A professor of political theory likened the new president to being both Superman and Clark Kent. Memo to the good doctor, Superman IS Clark Kent! Not to mention the friendly neighborhood Spiderman giving his own web slinging thumbs up to the 44th person to hold the office via a commemorative comic.

There were articles about how the seagulls were in awe of the crowds as they soared overhead. 1000 stars seemed to gleam back at the President as he took the oath and the throngs took their pictures. The poetry flowed from every pen, except the poet's. The combined reverence of Couric, Oberman, Matthews and others rivaled love notes written by 14 year old nerds to the head cheerleader in ABC afterschool specials.

But we have been told, drool over the man's physique, fawn at his every utterance and please don't disturb the historic nature of the moment or the good vibrations half the nation is feeling in it's Pepsi One euphoria by asking any questions. We have to get with the program!

But how to compete when so much praise has already been given? Alas, I'm not sure there are superlatives left in the English language that haven't already been ascribed.

Here is my fledgling attempt to outdo the media in their dog like devotion. Comparing Obama to figures from the bible seems so "Right wing." We are an enlightened people. We eshew such pedestrian references as childish things. To venerate the President and properly acknowledge his place in history, we must go further back to summon icons worthy of such an individual.

First the academics should substitute Barrack's name anywhere in the Illiad or other Greek Myths, they find the name Zeus. The same should be done in Nordic, Odin shall now be Obama as well. There shall be a Buddah Obama, the Dahli Obama, and so forth.

The scientific community should then create a constellation using the National Star Registry and call it Obama. It will use every star visible to the Earth. Any stars having prior names shall shed them in light of the need to honor this historic leader.

Next, Congress must accelerate the Mint's production of quarters so that the only ones in circulation are Obamas. In Barrack we trust, all others pay Obamas. In fact, in light of the current fiscal situation, all other currency shall be seized to help pay for the bail out. It would have happened anyway, this just speeds up the process.

Then we can render unto Obama, what is Obama's. And all will be well. There will be Peace.

Ahhhhhhh, I feel it. The oneness.
All Hail Caesar!

What Were the Dems and Repubs Thinking?

Now that Election Day is over, there is a little question I've wanted to ask.

In this modern day, why haven't either the GOP or the DNC revisited their animal symbol to find one that was say, less ironic, less vulnerable to criticism, less unappealing? Every other aspect of either party has been sanitized for our consumer protection. Why not this one?

Let's take the Elephant first, as the perhaps considered less objectionable of the two mascots.

An Elephant is huge. It's grey. It's wrinkled and bulky, destructive wherever it goes and loud. The result is that the party can rightly be portrayed as bloated, old and leaving large piles of ....mess that someone else has to clean up.

Don’t get started on that tired canard of tradition. The name of the game in politics is “just win baby.” Most people don’t go around thinking fondly about large smelly elephants.

From a marketing standpoint, the GOP’s mascot fares better than the Democrats but most fur bearing creatures with a vertebrate would beat out a donkey in a popularity and plush version contest. There also are problems with those few celebrity pachaderms out there. The most famous elephant? Dumbo. Not the image one would wish to project. Currently elephants are on the endangered list. Again, a party that aspires to the highest office in the land might want to embrace a more popular animal or at least a more prolific one.

The DNC donkey.

It would seem that this is obvious. Being a braying noisy spavined mule in no way could ever be considered a compliment. Being called a Jack...again, what's to love? These creatures have bad teeth, mean tempers and a stubborn streak a mile long. Does anyone in the Democrat party think this is a good selling point?

In the spirit of bi-partisanship which Pelosi and Biden assure us will take place once there is a near veto-proof Senate and so many Dems in the House that no Republican can so much as sign off on a piece of legislation without permission, I submit a new mascot for both parties.

Since the Republicans are in danger of becoming extinct, I propose the Polar Bears.

They've resurged from near extinction. They apparently are only welcome in Alaska. They also are near invisible when walking in their environment, even with others of their own kind. Polar Bears also don't play well with others. Sometimes, if hungry, they eat their own. They are considered even cute as long as they are viewed from a distance. They also support corporations like Coke-cola via commercials. They are willing to sell out if the oil pipe gets them an easier meal.

For the Democrats, I propose deer. Everyone thinks they love them. They appear innocent, natural, beautiful and soft. They are in reality muscular creatures that actually destroy and eat a tremendous amount of vegetation. The ones with horns appear tough, but usually run from a fight if the other side makes enough noise. They are however dangerous when cornered and can destroy an SUV if they get out on the road. Sure they carry Lyme disease, but hey, the Dems have an answer for this, universal health care.

The Senate and the House as a whole, also need a mascot, and I propose a stuffed boar. Pork with pork sausage is the perfect meal for a congress that believes it’s all their money. Here's hoping there's a pig roast with the new congress.

Finally, for any Republicans that survive Election Day, I propose the sitting duck, or maybe a Piñata.

Baring these changes, I hope that everyone in this country, including congress will remember our system of government is not founded on the principle "We're okay but those people from the other party are idiots."

Reflections on the Election and the 850 Billion Dollar Bailout...

I want in on the pork pie.

I mean, I’m willing to be bought and what’s more, I’ll even tell you what you get for your 850 billion. You get a promise.

That’s right, a promise I’ll keep except if I don’t want to or deem it no longer valid.

I promise not to ask for more.

I also promise that all the problems will go away. If the taxpayers only pony up, all the problems will just disappear. At least, they will for me.

Until such a time as congress okays my modest proposal for bailing out a writer who hasn’t yet been foreclosed, invest in Euros or Campbell’s condensed soup and peanut butter. Maybe Ramen nooles.

I’d follow my own advice if my 401K was able to actual invest in anything but it’s losing money faster than I could spend it and that’s saying something.

From listening to his speeches and ads, Obama considers any alternative proposals associated with McCain or anyone with an “R” attached to their name, to be reckless, inequitable and misguided at best. For the good of the whole country, we should all just stop pretending we work for anyone but the government. We should be happy to do this because, as Joe Biden says, “It’s patriotic.”

Silly me, I thought we fought a revolution to be able to pay less.

But, Obama says it’s fair so it must be. He went to Harvard and is a supra genius type guy with all the answers and wisdom necessary to fix everything.

Let’s just say, he’d better be.

Obama’s tax plan proposes that 95% of the country can fairly ride on the back of the remaining 5%. I’m not sure how that is actually fair as much as it is advantageous to the plurality of voters.

Taxing the rich will of course, in no way affect the rest of the country. The wealthy in that 5% won’t say…lay off workers, cut budgets or adjust their businesses, raising costs to limit damage to themselves. No. They’ll stay status quo, as if they were playing economic freeze tag and just got touched and have to wait for permission to move. Yeah. That will happen.

The CEOS, business owners with excessive largess and people making more than 250K themselves in profit will look at that tax plan and say, “Tag, you’re it.” and the middle class, small businesses and lower class will get to munch a bunch of dollars they didn’t get a vote on to implement, and can’t afford.

Understand if he wins, I will hope that he's absolutely right.

Obama has always wanted change, but found each step along the way towards power that the influence he had acquired was insufficient to the job to create an actual brave new world. So, being smart, he always sought the next level of leadership to be able to affect the world of influence he had just left. Thus, the community organizer became a two year state senator and then a two year senator running for president. But will being President be sufficient? I mean, you can’t control for outside factors if you only rule one country.

If he is the one we’ve been waiting for, for heaven’s sake and earth’s, let’s name him King of the World now. Why wait for the election? Crown the man already.

Then, let’s find out what’s in his 401K.

For more FREE humor, less painful than taxes or looking at your quarterly reports, .Humor-Blogs.com!

When Hillary and Barrack Kiss and Make Up, the Place's the The Thing!

Oh, the symbolism of it all moves me to near tears.

Hillary and Obama, together in the town of Unity, embraced, showing forgiveness. All is well. Surely, because we see it on television, it must be true.

What is not known is that Unity was chosen after several other towns were struck from the list of possibilities wherein this historic meeting of the titans for peace could take place.

Hell for Certain, KY: It wasn’t frozen over so it got dumped pretty quick.

Desperation, Ohio: The McCain camp had booked it for a youth rally.

Defeated, TN: Hillary camp said no way.

Sour Grapes, MI: The Other Half of the Delegates threatened to show up and ruin the mood.

Hope, Ark: The citizens of this town have suffered enough.

Bullhead, AZ: The township’s monicker strikes a little close to the bone. Ditto for
Squabbletown, California, The X, Mass, and Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.

Still, Hillary urged her supporters to vote for Barrack and I for one, could feel the love. I mean, I’m sure she feels as much when she’s around Bill.

Obama for his part, acknowledged that maybe mentioning that he’d remodel the bowling alley to make a basketball court was a bit premature. After all, he does need to work on that game. He also promised never to mention Erkel again. It just brings out the heebie jeebies in voters everywhere.

He also explained that the mock presidential seal that had appeared in front of his podium, was the result of a vast right wing conspiracy designed to portray him as an aloof argula eating Harvard educated lawyer with only 2 years Senate experience who thinks there are 57 states. "Just remember," urged his supporters, "he’s unstoppable, he’s beautiful, he can do no wrong."

The happy couple has stops planned in the coming weeks at No Mirage, California, Utopia, Florida, Neverfail, Tennessee, and Allgood, Alabama.

Bill was sent on a separate good will tour. He plans on stopping in Lovely Ladies, New Jersey, and some other places that actually exist but this is just not that type of blog.

P.S. All these towns exist except for two.

Tune in next week when we discuss theme music. Just as the Clintons in 92 asked for a leap of faith with their song, "Don't Stop Believing," Obama currently is in search of a song that will convey the promise of perfection without getting nailed down on any pesky specifics.

Nominations for the theme song of the presidential campaign include "Don't Worry, Be Happy," "The Candy Man," and the Coca-cola theme from the 70's commercial, "I'd like to buy the world a coke." These express best, the DNC's current platform and policies for macroeconomics, universal health care and take on foreign policy matters and issues of homeland security.

Sherry Speaks...a Political Musing...

For chickens coming home to roost, nothing beats the Democratic party like the democrats.

For eight years, the out of power in the White house party has nursed it’s grudge, treasured its hatred of all things not Democrat. For eight years, there has been an “ I-Double-Dog-Dare-You style I-hate-George-Bush-the-Most” type fight on the political playground, with honors, applause and face time on CNN for the person able to best capture the exponential level of hostility towards the current administration. Now, with two promising candidates of the DNC eviscerating each other publically and privately, the party that thought it couldn’t lose, is fraying at the seams.

Why?

Because the political base has fed on anger for eight years and can’t just turn that spigot of rage off. The Bush administration is gone regardless in seven months, and all that animosity needs a new target. It doesn’t just evaporate, it lingers in the atmosphere like CO2 gases. It pollutes the spirit and the mind. It prevents legitimate solutions from being considered if they come from the wrong source, and renders even the most minor of disagreements that span across the political aisle unbearably impossible to fix.

Where is the peace and love? Or even civility?
Where is the open mindedness and tolerance for alternative view points?

Politics may have always been a blood sport but these days, it’s more like Survivor than American Idol, with the American voter in the awkward role of Ryan Seacrest. As an observer of the political process, I confess, I prefer less government to more, I think laws and policies and the fiscal allotments that back them reflect priorities, and that all life and all liberty in recent years, have been held cheap.

The irony of all of this is, the three candidates in question are like the differences between the regular, premium and super levels of gasoline…there’s a dime’s worth of difference to each, but they all are overpriced and still only perform the minimum function for which they were formulated.

Let’s stop pretending that the politicians have all the answers, walk on water, have control over all of their past or their associates or even can manage to escape in this digital age, momentary lapses of temper, judgment and wardrobe. Let’s stop mocking people who seek to serve for being human or being so polished, we decide they aren’t. Then we could decide, do we want a country where the hatred goes on forever, or where we recognize there are multiple ways to operate and use government and no one person or body politic has a monopoly or even a plurality of the actual solutions necessary.

Democracy in action requires compromise. It's messy and incomplete. It seldom satisfies purists or idealogues.

Demanding that only one side be heard, be it to the right or the left, in politics or in the news, is refusing to accept anything but a dictatorship from the side one backs. It is not a democracy, it is not even an representative republic. It is the triumph of a small collective of would be philosopher kings who think they have the knowledge, acquiring power. Forgive me, but I haven't seen Socrates or Plato in the running, and I'm not sure I'd trust them either anyway.

Each of these people have their sins, their flaws, their less than noble desires, but they also willingly seek to serve and that is no small task. No one looks good in a microscope or in a funhouse mirror.

So Democrats, Republicans, Liberals, Conservatives...let's try to play nice in the sandbox for a while and when you're all done.

Let’s eat those chickens before they cost too much.

Moon Woman Speaketh

Some day, when aliens land on Earth, the president will have need of me.

I know it seems odd that a mother of eight children would have found the time to master an alien language without formal training at some university, but it seems I have somehow acquired this gift gratis. I know, because sometimes, I have spoken to my children in what I perceived to be plain English, asking them to get dressed in the morning, or at night, to sit at the table, to put away their clothing, pack up their back packs, and turn off lights and these simple normal every day actions go undone.

Sometimes, even as I have been speaking, “Don’t hit your sister!” and the child is looking at me, he or she chooses to still punch with abandon as if I said nothing. I can say “No! No! No! No! No!” and it avails me naught.

Since I know my children are intelligent, and that they are generally good kids, I can only conclude the fault is mine. I must somehow not be making myself clear. Thus I have determined that unconsciously, occasionally, I slip into some weird “moon man language,” which my children are unable to decipher.

Moon man language sounds to the adult ear, like English, but apparently conveys either no meaning, or the opposite of the speaker’s intent. For example, “We’re having dinner soon.” translates as far as I can tell to “Please help your self to a soda, an ice cream and a few pieces of left over fried chicken right now.” “We have to run an errand. I need you to get in the car.” means “Find a secret shelter immediately, remove your shoes and if possible, lose them. Make no sound and hope the danger passes by.”

“Clean your room.” elicits an aggressive response, that I think means what they hear is, “I have come to kill your dreams and destroy your future. Flee if you would live.”

I am working on the reverse orders, but so far have had no luck in actively initiating my fluency in Moon Man. “Have a snack.” does not have a corresponding translation. Neither does, “You can watch TV.” nor “Does anyone want pizza for dinner?”

To begin to master Moon man for that eventual day when the commander in chief calls, I practice. Since I can’t control when I begin speaking, I have to create situations that will allow the talent to flower. One method I have found successful, is to actually choose to speak gibberish to my children when they are peppering me with questions.
“What’s for dinner?” a child asks as he grabs an apple.

“Repast for thine evening’s pleasure is perchance a fowl most pleasant, roasted with gracious loving care and infused in a honey soy emulsified marinade to create a mahogany sweet and salty outer crust, served with wild grains that have been softened by a chemical reaction with evaporated H20, and fresh stalks of brocollini, prepared in the same manner, with pasteurized juices brought forth from a bovine as your beverage.”

“What?”

“Chicken, broccoli and brown rice. Milk to drink.”
“Cool, Mom.”

“Set the table please.”
“I’m going next door to see if I can walk Mr. Chips for the Browns. Be back in five.”

Hmmm. Set the table meant walk a dog. I think I’ll start a book of useful phrases.

I wonder how take me to your leader would translate? Probably something like “Please turn on the tv and watch until your brains ooze out.”

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