Monday, September 28, 2015

Not the Patriots, Not Nixon Related Brady Water Gate

When the Pope came to Congress, Representative Brady saw an opportunity to procure a unique keepsake from the occasion, and took the pontif's glass of water (which Pope Francis had already sipped from), and took it back to his office to drink.

Now I get wanting to touch greatness, to somehow connect yourself to someone who seems beyond what you can aspire to being.  (It's the pitch made for Dos Equis).

But Representative Brady also dusted the glass for prints.  So the unasked question at this point is, "Why?"

Here at Chocolate for Your Brain, quick internet research revealed the following possible theories to explain the representative's behavior.

10) The Pontiff's finger prints are on file, cross referenced to ensure we aren't dealing with a Pope decoy. *You know, like in that Star Wars Prequel.  I'll apologize right now for even reminding you of that movie.

9)  Aspirations for discovering the holy gene have been thus thwarted by the inability to find a suitable candidate within the governing body politic from which to obtain a sample.  It was never the water on the outside of the glass Representative Brady was after, it was the sweat and cellular residue on the outside.

8)  Check the office pool at the House and Senate, Brady must have lost a bet somewhere, and to prove he'd swiped the Pope's H20, the winner demanded a "Trust but verify" measure of proof.

7) Having read all of Dan Brown's novels and watched all the National Treasure movies, Brady feels convinced the Pope has a state of the art secret layer underneath the Vatican Bank where the treasures of the world are located, and the only means of access, is coded to the pope's fingerprints. His junket to Rome leaves next week.

6)  The office water cooler was drained earlier. Brady had the hiccups.  He needed a drink.  Since he was going to have to drink from someone else's glass, he wanted to make sure it was only the Pope.  After all, anyone else might have cooties.

5) Not saying he was looking for mutants or aliens, but it makes more sense than any of the rest of these theories.

4) The plan had been to lift the prints and put Speaker Boehner's prints in their stead, but it didn't work out.

3) Brady apparently has done this sort of thing before, sort of doping on someone's water in hopes of procuring for himself whatever midi-chlorians might be left behind in the backwash. Last time it was President Obama after he made a historic speech.   As for the dusting for prints, he has a collection of famous people's finger marks, don't ask how he got some of them, it isn't as pretty as this time around.

2)  With a name like Brady, he didn't think he'd get caught, and even if he did get caught, nothing would come of it.

1)  Representative Brady wasn't dusting for prints at all, he was measuring the Pontiff's hand span, Given the Eagle's 1-2 start,  He's searching for someone who can throw a Hail Mary and save the season.

*Editors Note to Bernie Sanders, Trump and anyone else who starts to catch fire in the coming months, drain your beverages or Brady will.

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