Public Service Announcement: Screen Free Fifty Solutions to Spring Break Boredom!

They all start with...turn off the machines.  (I know, counter-intuitive and ironic given that this is written on a computer, posted on a blog and only accessible via the internet, but hang in there, it's worth it). 

50.  Go outside...stay there even if it's not perfectly comfortable, and just take in what is there.
49.  Draw until you forget about anything but finishing the piece of whatever it is you're drawing.
48.  Read a real book. 
47.  Go for a walk/run (outside, not at the gym). Do not take music or your phone. 
46. Dig up the garden.
45. Take a bath. 
44. Write a letter.
43.  Plan a party.
42.  Make a soup.
41.  Put on a baseball game on the radio. 
40. Play a board game.
39. Play a card game.
38. Paint a room.  (really).
37. Clear out your closet of 20 things to donate.  Donate. 
36. Build a castle out of cards or legos or blocks. Use them all. 
35. Play with clay/playdough. 
34. Practice a musical instrument (put the timer on), for 30 minutes.  Repeat.
33. Pull out your yearbooks and show them to your kids. 
32. Create  a scrapbook with your kids.
31.  Bake a cake. Decorate it. 
30.  Do an inventory of each room for your What do we need to fix list.  Fix one thing. 
29.  Read aloud to your kids.
28.  Paint your nails.
27.  Go for a hike.
26.  Put on a puppet show.
25.  Pray the rosary.
24.  Make a list with your kids of favorite movies, plan Movie night for the next month of Fridays.
23.  Practice cartwheels and rollerskating.
22.  BBQ something that takes time. (Ribs, chicken, brisket).  (I'll be right over). 
21.  Plan a trip for the summer. 
20.  Trace out your family tree.
19.  Speed round clean up.  (30 minutes. Everyone move as fast as possible cleaning everything). 
18.  Go out for ice cream.
17.  Take a nap.
16.  Spa day--facial, foot rubs...
15.  Draw cartoon flip books. 
14.  Come up with a business idea for summer.  Make home made business cards.
13.  Readers Theatre --put on a show. 
12.  Organize a game of whiffle ball or frisbee.
11.  Round up neighbors and get a big game going of hide and seek or freeze tag or capture the flag.
10.  Create an impromptu picnic outside. 
9.  Go to the park and play.
8.  Get out one of those art/craft kits and do it. 
7.  Plant a garden.
6.  Saw off dead branches. 
5.  Fly a kite.
4.  Fix all the bikes/bike ride.
3.  Shoot pool.
2.  Clean your room (Gasp). 
1.  Put on the radio and dance. 

Please note: No where on this very extensive but not exhaustive list, does it say, "Go to Mom and say, "I'm BORRRREEED." with the expecation, Mom will entertain/spend you into happiness.  Not happening.   You have the day off.  Enjoy. If you can't enjoy, not to worry.  School starts back up on Monday...I'm sure there's some homework you need to finish. 

Summer Rules

School gets out tomorrow and to preserve my sanity, our budget and the summer, the following rules have been posted, effective for all offspring, regardless of age.

5.  Kitchen Hours: Food will be served to those who cannot serve themselves, and to those awake and at the table for normal meal hours.  Hint for those who don't know, Breakfast (6:30-8:30), Lunch (11:30-1:00) and Dinner (5:30-7:30).   Meals made by people other than me, must be cleaned up by someone other than me.  (Meaning the person who makes the bonus meal).  

4.  Bedtime:  If you are between the ages of 0 and 49 and live in this house, you require sleep.  I require sleep.  I know some of you want to sleep until noon.  I will allow this once a week.  But quiet hours are 9-9, and children still go to bed by 8:30.  Teens who try to sleep past 9 more than once a week, will get the all other children wake up call and I'll blog about you.    

3.  Screen time:  Watching a screen counts. Watching a sibling play a video game counts.  Playing the DS, the kindle, the phone, counts.  1 hour between 9-5.  Why?  Because there are a whole world of things to do out there...and they aren't on a screen.  

2.  Chore time.  Everyone in this house needs to contribute.  You will have an outside task and an inside task. Every day.  That's it. That's all.  Doing less than your contribution will mean you get chores that are bigger and worse.  There's always sock folding....just saying.

1.  Entertainment:  We have made a list of things we hope to do this summer.  Look at the list.  Do them.  And if there's nothing on the list you want to do or that can be done...READ.  

Thank you.  Happy Summer.   Love, Mom

Cap Crib Sheet for the Crib Set

Over the past two years of writing humor pieces, my focus has been squarely on translating the many moods and meanings of phrases uttered by my offspring. Today, in light of my more mature children raising the question of equal time, I humbly offer this crib sheet for Common Adult Phrases, CAP for short. Use with disgression as dialects vary according to the mood and level of exhaustion of the pertinent adult.

CAP warning: "I'm Bored." This phrase, perhaps more than any other causes instant irritation in any adult, related or otherwise. We translate it to mean, "Entertain me! For I, the magnificent child crave a diversion." Avoid variants like "There's nothing to do." as they also get filtered as "I can be bribed with food, a new toy or the promise of something really big." As a mother, there is really only one appropriate response to such a statement. Work. "Here's a toilet brush. Go scrub. Do your homework, read a book. Fold laundry." Understand I will continue to put forth unpleasant options that serve my own purposes until you stop saying it or come up with your own alternative. Consider it a forbidden phrase, like Voldemort.

CAP approved translation of "Be quiet." Adults seldom celebrate opposite day. We actually mean what we say. When we have a phone call, it is not time to play orchestra with pots and pans or even real instruments. Miscellaneous screaming and yelling to test the acoustics of a room is also taboo when Mom is holding that rectangular object up next to her ear and trying to speak.

CAP approved meaning of phrase uttered: "I'm going to the bathroom." Like you, we also suffer from the affliction of being actual animals. We occasionally, like you, need to be alone. I promise, just because the door is locked and we aren't responding to your lamb like bleating in the other room, doesn't mean we've grabbed the keys, hit the gas and abandoned ship. Five minutes is all we're talking here. Even hitting your sister can hold for 300 seconds. Just spend the time anticipating the satisfying sound of the smack when I'm back in operational mode and able to step in and stop the violence.

CAP understanding of a tendency of Adults in communication: "Put a coat on...or any variant of redirection about clothing." You are kids. You are busy. You have walls to scribble, toys to play with, hidden stashes of food to eat, you don't have time to mess with such mundane things as climate appropriate attire. Being boring adults, we pay attention to such items as the weather and the news and school memos. So we really do know that you have to wear red, white and blue on election day, and that you're supposed to wear black pants and a white shirt for the band concert. We feel concern that you have a light poncho and it's forecasting 30 mile winds and cold rain this afternoon. Likewise, years of experience have taught us, the Hawaiian shirt in mid January is a no go, ditto on the shorts, and that white socks with dark pants are always icky.

CAP explained: "Did you...brush your teeth?" "Today?" "This morning?" "With toothpaste?" Mom and Dad are doing fine financially, thank you very much for your concern. We appreciate your attempts to economize by cutting back on such indulgent niceties as personal hygiene. Trust us when we say with great love in our hearts, we'll take out a loan if necessary, but bathe regularly, use soap and shampoo, and brush your teeth.

CAP Origin: “Absolutely Not.” “Nyet.” “Not Happening.” “I don’t think so.” “Not in this lifetime.” “Never.” “Stop now.” “Cease!” Parents like to build children’s vocabulary and we get tired of saying the same thing over and over again, so all of these phrases are variants of the same thing, the need by appointed legal guardians of you minors to express disapproval. You now will do better on your SAT’s as you have mastered ten different ways to say “NO.” Especially now that you understand what they mean.

CAP Motto and sub text translation of all prior CAPs: “We love you.” Adults are never ironic or sarcastic when uttering this phrase, although sometimes we are reminding ourselves of this crucial fact when we say it.

for more humor never lost in the translation, try www.humor-blogs.com!

In the interest of serving the general public as cold and flu season kicks into high gear...

The following chart of frequent phrases has been created for your convenience. Should a sore throat render your voice inadequate to the daily demands of parenting, simply print this simple list and post it on the refrigerator. Point to the appropriate number.

AutoMomic Responses

10) Get in the car!

9) Stop Fighting!

8) Pick it up.

7) Go to bed!

6) Just eat it.

5) Because I said so.

4) Get dressed Now!

3) Turn it off!

2) 5…4…3…2…1

1)NO!

ADDITIONAL NOTES FROM THE MANAGEMENT:

This is a benevolent dictatorship, not a democracy.
We serve no whines of minors.
We love you.

POTTY WARS ADDENDUM...

It's not going well.

Indisposed, daughter who is two knocks. "Don't come in!" I urge. She opens the door and very gently puts down a box of baby wipes. "Here you go Mom." She says and walks away.

It's really not going well.

You should use the potty J.

"No Mom."

Why not?

"Then I'll get my beautiful potty all dirty."

It's not going well at all.

At the grocery store, "We need diapers Mom! Don't forget diapers Mom."

Nice lady listening: "Don't you want to be a big boy and use underwear and go to school?" I nod my head eagerly in agreement.

"NO. Then I'd have to leave Mom alone with the baby!"