Warning...Reading this blog could be Hazardous

Everyone knows about the absurdities of overly protective liability labeling. Things like warning: Hot coffee can scald. Do not remove label under penalty of Federal law, this program is authorized for private use only...consumer/customer/attendee assumes all risk due to injury from using product. It is quite literally, a sign of our times.

As common sense becomes akin to 8 track tapes, records, non HDLCD TV's, dial up and roatary land line phones, I wonder what future labels will include.

First, labels will be upgraded to have computer chips, such that they can flash various label warnings in perpetuity, kind of like the scroll feed that runs along the bottom of news channels.

They'll flash in red when a person picks up the jar of peanut butter: Warning, Warning, danger, PRODUCT CONTAINS PEANUTS, Known to cause problems for some people. If you are one of these people, by merely touching this jar, you assume all responsibility for your own welfare with respect to this product. If you live with one of these people, put the jar back on the shelf NOW!

A retina scan will verify whether or not you can purchase the product without incurring excessive risk. Those who purchase the peanut butter anyway, will find that the jar self vacumn seals to prevent possible contamination and after 30 seconds of being in the new owner's possession, disintegrates.

This sort of technology may seem far fetched, but consider our society's desire to be free from all mishap, combined with the government's desire to alleviate us of all suffering and surplus legal tender. By simply integrating existing technology into the scanner, our society can eliminate obsesity by prohibiting the purchase of transfat laden goodies by anyone who's body mass index exceeds federal regulations.

"This is the Food Police. Put the Ho Ho's Back! And the Hagendize, and the Salt and Vinegar chips. Now."

Then a black market will pop up, selling forbidden sweets at outrageous prices, as corporations work desperately to convince us that Snackwells taste just as good as Oreos, and congress passes legislation to make the truth in advertisement labels on food use unappetizing adjectives. A 12 piece bucket of KFC orriginal, for example, would be labeled thusly: Transfat artery clogging Bucket o'Death. Hershey's Bar: Diabetes Here I Come. Coca-cola: Sugar, Caffeine, and Chemistry.

Will we swallow such nonsense? Sure. For the good of the children. For their future, we must eliminate our carb footprint now. Maybe I can get some Carb credits as an investment, sort of a dietary indulgence. Like Weight watcher's points? Can I redeem them for a Papa John's Thin Crust Supreme Pizza, hold the olives, extra cheese?


Just some food for thought as restuarants race to tell us, "We've selflessly eliminated all unhealthy items from our menu. Sure we've had to raise prices and the food won't taste anywhere near as good as at those rogue greasy spoons that are holding out, just across the border in that unhealthy County but don't worry, we'll get to them soon. Come on in and eat healthy.

We love our customers enough to Nag.

The Congressional Health Care Plan

Congress has one of the best insurance programs in place in the world...for itself. Part of the reason they haven't voted to create this gold plated benefit for the rest of the nation, is there are a few procedures which are only necessary if one wishes to be a member of the House or Senate.

Here are a few of the special operations available to your elected Representatives via their health care program.

Selective Memory Enhancement:The Selective Memory Enhancement (SME) is required for all members of Congress by both parties. A single microchip is inserted in the brain with a perpetual bio feedback loop. To ensure fairness, the mantra is the same regardless of party: "All things done by my opponent are morally bad, intentionally evil and stupid. All things done by me or my party even if they were the same things, exponentially worse or just plain sick, are pure good and even beneficial for the whole world!"

Preventative Quarantines: While Flu shots and H1N1 vaccinations are in short supply, Fox News Inoculations are still available! See the White House for more details.

Spine Removal: mandatory for any Republicans wanting to be cloaked in the political cover of "Moderate" and obligatory if one wants to be considered one of the "good" Catholics in the legislative body by the mainstream media or appear on CNN or MSNBC.

Common Sense Bypass: Like the microchip, the CSB remains a necessary procedure for all incoming Freshman to either body of the legislative branch if one is to digest any of the pending legislation, rules of engagement or sit on the ethics committee. Also useful for television appearances.

A reversal of this procedure, the C.B.S. is still available upon request but only after one leaves Congress and is considered an "Out of Network" procedure. Deductibles apply.

Supplemental Gall Bladder and Kidney: These days this surgery is required for Democrats so they can lecture the American people on fiscal frugality and for processing the additional Kool-ade provided by the Executive branch. Used to be mandatory for Republicans. Because it takes a lot of gaul to spend 1.6 Trillion dollars in 9 months, and believing it's deficit neutral takes an awful lot of Kool-ade. (The microchip has its limits but R&D is working on that).

Over corrective Bias Contacts: Any member of Congress can chose the degree to which they wish to enhance their spectral analysis of reality by selecting from the:

1)Olberman special: Bush and all Republicans are worse than anything
2)the Rush Limbaugh Perspective: Obama is a Socialist and all Dems are liars.

They can also chose the color, Rose Colored or Seeing Red.

Shame-Wow!: Daily oral medication to remove all sense of any embarrassment at anything for any reason except when cloaked in righteous indignation is recommended along with a daily vitamin. The pill ensures that for 24 hours, one can say anything anywhere about anyone without feeling the slightest chagrin unless the party decides you should. It is particularly effective if washed down with alcohol (which masks the effects).

Note: In an effort to show some sense of fiscal restraint, the insurance policy has changed! Congressional Personal Space Bubbles designed to shield you from the meanies and opponents and general public shall no longer be provided gratis, see your health provider to apply.

Where Have All the Smart People Gone?

Remember when Hollywood declared if Bush were elected the second time that they would leave the country? Not one of them even filed a change of address.

Now, with a record deficit and no end of spending in sight and congress lining up not to craft thoughtful policy that the American people as a whole can support, but to systemically demonize anyone who still dares to say they are Republican, watch anything other than MSNBC or think anything other than "Obama's the Greatest!" at all times, I have to ask the question.

Where are all the smart people?

We have CNN doing fact checks on SNL but not on itself. We have the speaker of the house saying things like "It's not a tax increase. We're eliminating a tax decrease." and Whoopi saying "It's not rape-rape." Chris Matthews says "I have to tell you, Rush Limbaugh is looking more and more like Mr. Big, and at some point somebody’s going to jam a CO2 pellet into his head and he’s going to explode like a giant blimp. That day may come. Not yet. But we’ll be there to watch." and Keith Olberman trashes people for blood, money and sport on a nightly basis. Meanwhile Gore Vidal fantasizes about murdering the 43rd president while on live television.

The current argument by the media elites and the White House and Congress is "Yeah but when Republicans ran the show..." Memo: If it was wrong then, it's wrong now too. Obama freezes out Fox News but points out Bush sometimes ignored MSNBC. Saying he did it first does not fly in my house with my children when they start hitting. Congress and the White House and the Press ought to be able to behave in a manner more civilized and mature than grade school students just after school who haven't had snack.

So I have to ask another question. Why are you folks so ticked off?

You guys WON. Your guy WON. Your Party WON. You control the house, the senate and the executive branch and 95% of the media outlets of the United States. (I can say that because the President said Fox isn't a media outlet) and most of the entertainment industry. You guys could write and have written bills that finance the analysis of radioactive rabbit waste and people who disagree can just get together and be annoyed.

Yet even this is considered "suspicious or fishy" behavior. Even just this kind of thinking sets off those in power to no end, declaring those who don't march in line or who "ask questions" are Nazis, fascists, teabaggers, racists, neanderthals, idiots, wingnuts and fanatics that are worse for the country than militant extremists who strap bombs on children with developmental delays to kill our military and anyone else who happens to be standing near by.

We're not going to leave the country or take our toys and go home. This nation has worked for 200+ years prior to this Congress and this President despite periods of great turmoil, economic hardship and seemily intractiable foes, prejudices and public injustices that seemed would never cease. Republicans and conservatives are part of this nation that has done all these great goods not just here but around the world just as surely as Democrats. History did not restart in 2009 with the touch of a button, we are all part of the ongoing story that is America and deserve better than to be accused of every evil under the sun because politically it is expedient to do so.

So we disagree with you. Big deal. We think your guy is making promises he can't and in some cases shouldn't keep and writing checks we can't ever cash. We aren't being treasonous. We disagree. We disagree strongly and we have reasons that have nothing to do with the earth being flat or the existence of dinosaurs or God. I thought smart people who did debate and drama in high school and college and who studied law understood that there were nuanced elements to every argument, validity to multiple points of view or was that mere smoke and mirrors?

To presume that the only ones with intellect or ideas worth considering are those posited by people with Ivy League degrees is the height of hubris. But I must be part of that stupid people that doesn't understand so please explain. You want to get things done I get, but don't you want to get them done well? Your own committees and constituencies are not misinformed, they're more informed than ever and what they've read and what they've learned, they don't like. Shouldn't that matter?

People aren't elected to Congress to rule, they're elected to represent.

By the same token, the President isn't elected to browbeat his political opposition; he's elected to lead and to govern the whole country, to hold the whole American people with greater respect than even they will have for him. A president who wishes to be historic and Presidential must have greater love for the people he represents, than the office he holds, and greater respect for the whole people he governs than the party that helped him win.

It's time for those in power to prove themselves worthy of their titles and their perks and privledges. It's not too late if the people in charge let go of their grudges. We have plenty of politicians and platitudes. What we need at this point, is substance and statesmen.

Saw this, Got Annoyed. Thought You Should Know

So I'm to understand that while it's useless to read a bill, it's important to pass it and sign it into law and make us pay for it.