Apparently, the powers that be have determined we all need cars.
First, because Twilight Mocks are always welcome here.
And this makes you want...well I don't know if it makes you want a car, but it's cool.
And finally, because I'm a child of the 80's and nostalgic:
So now, if you don't want to watch the Patriots and the Giants duke it out over four hours of fattening food on Sunday, I've allowed you to participate in the Monday post game banter about the 3 million dollar a minute commericals. And I've spared you the spots about the Avengers.
It's the least I can do.
Showing posts with label commercials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commercials. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father's Day
My oldest son is sixteen and likes to keep on top of current events.
So when he told me that the Federal Government, in the interest of public health has deemed that all fast food commercials now must refrain from showing people actually consuming food and not mention the word "eat" as part of their advertisement, I asked why?
He told me "This parallels the restrictions currently in place regarding alcohol and cigarettes, where beers can be shown being poured, being admired, being discussed, being held and being passed around but not actually being sipped, and cigarettes which can only be shown, not smoked." He talked about how this was part of an overall campaign to "slim down America." and thus hopefully reduce long term health costs for all.
I considered the recent commercials I'd seen, where waitresses brought food and people were spooning it but not eating, the fast food where people were preparing to dig in at dinner, and the kids favorite place, which showed someone...hey wait a minute, I saw him take a bite. I asked, "When did this take place, because I know I saw the guy take a bite of the Big Mac?"
He was grinning. I'd been suckered completely. So I did the only thing I could do in such a situation, I told him to go tell his dad.
So when he told me that the Federal Government, in the interest of public health has deemed that all fast food commercials now must refrain from showing people actually consuming food and not mention the word "eat" as part of their advertisement, I asked why?
He told me "This parallels the restrictions currently in place regarding alcohol and cigarettes, where beers can be shown being poured, being admired, being discussed, being held and being passed around but not actually being sipped, and cigarettes which can only be shown, not smoked." He talked about how this was part of an overall campaign to "slim down America." and thus hopefully reduce long term health costs for all.
I considered the recent commercials I'd seen, where waitresses brought food and people were spooning it but not eating, the fast food where people were preparing to dig in at dinner, and the kids favorite place, which showed someone...hey wait a minute, I saw him take a bite. I asked, "When did this take place, because I know I saw the guy take a bite of the Big Mac?"
He was grinning. I'd been suckered completely. So I did the only thing I could do in such a situation, I told him to go tell his dad.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Friday Personal Ad
Okay, sometimes I just need to stretch the silly muscles a bit...maybe I got carried away...
assignment in writing workshop online --create a commercial or a personal ad. I sort of merged them...
Tired of worn out, ignorant beer bellied dope smoking losers? Looking for Mr. Big Right Rich Perfect Goodbar for You? Thinking of giving up those speed dating questionnaire selected "perfect someone" match experiences at lunch because the best you've seen is a retread whose idea of a fun Friday night is beating a bunch of 12 year olds at the local comic book store in a game of Dungeons and Dragons, followed by an all night viewing of Star Wars I, II and III in order with Klingon subtitles (wrote his own program for all his DVD’s) and the director's commentary?
Then here is the guy for you.
He Slices, he dices, he rolls on his belly like a reptile kind of like a Ginsu Knife if a piece of cutlery could engage in vaguely sexual physical acts! If you long to experience that once in a life time type of life long love, the kind that makes you drop million dollar pieces of jewelry into the ocean, fly across the country to meet a total stranger in a tall building now screened heavily by homeland security, phone now!
Yes, this is the man that will inspire you to talk to yourself on moonlit nights on balconies and drink poison if you think he is dead, and enjoy spaghetti and meatballs as mandolins and accordions play in the background, accompanied by male Sicilian voices. This man will so inflame your imagination that you will feel compelled to name all 26 kids, fifteen dogs, forty seven gold fish and your bible after him.
Due to unprecedented demand, this is a limited time offer so don't delay! Call now and get a special additional bonus flyer on time shares! But wait there's more, if you act now we have additional bonus items, help with your Soduku puzzles when the newspaper makes them medium or hard, passes to the local spa for electrolysis and a whitening coupon for that movie star smile you've always wanted and a special radish rose peeler and combination garlic grater, for elegant garnishes at that next neighborhood block party.
All sales are final, no exchanges, substitutions or refunds.All major credit cards accepted, as are money orders. No personal checks. Operators are standing by...
assignment in writing workshop online --create a commercial or a personal ad. I sort of merged them...
Tired of worn out, ignorant beer bellied dope smoking losers? Looking for Mr. Big Right Rich Perfect Goodbar for You? Thinking of giving up those speed dating questionnaire selected "perfect someone" match experiences at lunch because the best you've seen is a retread whose idea of a fun Friday night is beating a bunch of 12 year olds at the local comic book store in a game of Dungeons and Dragons, followed by an all night viewing of Star Wars I, II and III in order with Klingon subtitles (wrote his own program for all his DVD’s) and the director's commentary?
Then here is the guy for you.
He Slices, he dices, he rolls on his belly like a reptile kind of like a Ginsu Knife if a piece of cutlery could engage in vaguely sexual physical acts! If you long to experience that once in a life time type of life long love, the kind that makes you drop million dollar pieces of jewelry into the ocean, fly across the country to meet a total stranger in a tall building now screened heavily by homeland security, phone now!
Yes, this is the man that will inspire you to talk to yourself on moonlit nights on balconies and drink poison if you think he is dead, and enjoy spaghetti and meatballs as mandolins and accordions play in the background, accompanied by male Sicilian voices. This man will so inflame your imagination that you will feel compelled to name all 26 kids, fifteen dogs, forty seven gold fish and your bible after him.
Due to unprecedented demand, this is a limited time offer so don't delay! Call now and get a special additional bonus flyer on time shares! But wait there's more, if you act now we have additional bonus items, help with your Soduku puzzles when the newspaper makes them medium or hard, passes to the local spa for electrolysis and a whitening coupon for that movie star smile you've always wanted and a special radish rose peeler and combination garlic grater, for elegant garnishes at that next neighborhood block party.
All sales are final, no exchanges, substitutions or refunds.All major credit cards accepted, as are money orders. No personal checks. Operators are standing by...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Some Superbowl Commercials I'd Like to See
Just in time for Sunday's Game, my contribution to the advertising world. You can pay me 1 MILLION dollars if you like.
For the new Mini-Van: to make it from a Mom Mobile to a Man Mobile. So what is more manly than James Bond I think? Seven James Bonds!
Picture this: A beautiful woman comes out of the local gourmet grocery store, (note to self, product placement for Whole Foods in the ad), she is immediately abducted by the bad guys on Harleys (Three motor cycles buzz by, one grabs the babe and the others scatter the people as they drive off laughing evilly).
Daniel Craig (the most recent Bond, wants to rescue her, so he hops into his latest acquisition from Q, the M-van). Pierce Brosman is sitting in the passenger side, he is smoothing his hair, waiting for Craig. Daulton leans towards the front to say, “Buckle up.” Craig rolls his eyes and Pierce sighs a bit as Lazenby give his fierce soliloquy look to the camera, “They won’t get far, this is a V-8 engine with a lot of kick.”
They peel off after the motor cycles which are weaving through traffic, the woman screaming. They pull up along side. Connery opens the driver side sliding door, “Nice feature, that.” He says as he grabs the girl and sends her into the back.
Craig hands the wheel over to Pierce and scrambles to the back. He reaches over to grab the guy off the motor cycle, punches him in the car and says, “So is this!” as he opens the other side and tosses the bad guy out. The other two bad guys are taken out by the crashing motor cycle that careens into one, causing the other to flip off of his.
The two older bonds shut the doors and Craig grabs a napkin from Dapper Pierce to wipe his bloody hand. "Don't want to stain the leather seats." He says. Lazenby posits, "This new Q Van has everything." Roger Moore in the back says, “I like the stow and go and removable seats.” As he gives an arched eyebrow to the babe. She sighs in his arms.
"Oh James...."
The rest of the Bonds bust out laughing. Fade out.
Bottled water has taken it on the chin lately, what with scandals about some of it being tap water, so it’s time for some damage control. Here’s my offering for Dasani –Coke-cola’s bottled water of note.
Brandi, you know the babe who took off her shirt in celebration, teaching the world about sports bras? She’s hot, she’sweaty, she’s walking dejectedly down a dark hallway from the stadium. A young 7 year old girl with pony tails, wearing a USA soccer shirt comes towards her, holding a Dasani Water.
"Brandi?... Brandi?" She tries to screw up the nerve for an autograph, but instead silently and sincerely holds out her water bottle of Dasani as a gift. Brandi takes the water, obviously fatigued. She chugs it down in one long gulp. She then starts to stagger away, and then turns, “Hey kid.” She says, as she takes off her jersey, “Catch.”
Pony-tailed Girl: "Wow! Thanks Brandi!"
Fade out.
And then there are the 20 second spots, where Exxon Mobil is trying to make itself into a “Green Company.” Or at least put forth the image.
On Environment: Mobil/Exxon: We haven’t had an oil spill that destroyed pristine Alaskan coastlines in over 20 years.
On Maintaining Facilities: Mobil/Exxon: We’re better than BP…but not for lack of trying!
On Golden Parachutes for CEO’s : Mobil/Exxon: the middle class’ conglomerrate,only 60 billion in profits last year.
On Price Gauging: Mobil/Exxon: We have suffered recently too, remember gasoline at less than 1.25 a gallon? It wasn’t that long ago.
On respecting people: Mobil/Exxon: We don’t export our extortion to other countries like those other big businesses. All of our exploitation of the worker is done right here in the USA.
Our Moral Center: Mobil/Exxon: We’re less evil than R.J. Reynolds.
And now back to the Super Bowl….GO GIANTS!
for more humor that doesn't cost 1 million dollars per minute, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!
For the new Mini-Van: to make it from a Mom Mobile to a Man Mobile. So what is more manly than James Bond I think? Seven James Bonds!
Picture this: A beautiful woman comes out of the local gourmet grocery store, (note to self, product placement for Whole Foods in the ad), she is immediately abducted by the bad guys on Harleys (Three motor cycles buzz by, one grabs the babe and the others scatter the people as they drive off laughing evilly).
Daniel Craig (the most recent Bond, wants to rescue her, so he hops into his latest acquisition from Q, the M-van). Pierce Brosman is sitting in the passenger side, he is smoothing his hair, waiting for Craig. Daulton leans towards the front to say, “Buckle up.” Craig rolls his eyes and Pierce sighs a bit as Lazenby give his fierce soliloquy look to the camera, “They won’t get far, this is a V-8 engine with a lot of kick.”
They peel off after the motor cycles which are weaving through traffic, the woman screaming. They pull up along side. Connery opens the driver side sliding door, “Nice feature, that.” He says as he grabs the girl and sends her into the back.
Craig hands the wheel over to Pierce and scrambles to the back. He reaches over to grab the guy off the motor cycle, punches him in the car and says, “So is this!” as he opens the other side and tosses the bad guy out. The other two bad guys are taken out by the crashing motor cycle that careens into one, causing the other to flip off of his.
The two older bonds shut the doors and Craig grabs a napkin from Dapper Pierce to wipe his bloody hand. "Don't want to stain the leather seats." He says. Lazenby posits, "This new Q Van has everything." Roger Moore in the back says, “I like the stow and go and removable seats.” As he gives an arched eyebrow to the babe. She sighs in his arms.
"Oh James...."
The rest of the Bonds bust out laughing. Fade out.
Bottled water has taken it on the chin lately, what with scandals about some of it being tap water, so it’s time for some damage control. Here’s my offering for Dasani –Coke-cola’s bottled water of note.
Brandi, you know the babe who took off her shirt in celebration, teaching the world about sports bras? She’s hot, she’sweaty, she’s walking dejectedly down a dark hallway from the stadium. A young 7 year old girl with pony tails, wearing a USA soccer shirt comes towards her, holding a Dasani Water.
"Brandi?... Brandi?" She tries to screw up the nerve for an autograph, but instead silently and sincerely holds out her water bottle of Dasani as a gift. Brandi takes the water, obviously fatigued. She chugs it down in one long gulp. She then starts to stagger away, and then turns, “Hey kid.” She says, as she takes off her jersey, “Catch.”
Pony-tailed Girl: "Wow! Thanks Brandi!"
Fade out.
And then there are the 20 second spots, where Exxon Mobil is trying to make itself into a “Green Company.” Or at least put forth the image.
On Environment: Mobil/Exxon: We haven’t had an oil spill that destroyed pristine Alaskan coastlines in over 20 years.
On Maintaining Facilities: Mobil/Exxon: We’re better than BP…but not for lack of trying!
On Golden Parachutes for CEO’s : Mobil/Exxon: the middle class’ conglomerrate,only 60 billion in profits last year.
On Price Gauging: Mobil/Exxon: We have suffered recently too, remember gasoline at less than 1.25 a gallon? It wasn’t that long ago.
On respecting people: Mobil/Exxon: We don’t export our extortion to other countries like those other big businesses. All of our exploitation of the worker is done right here in the USA.
Our Moral Center: Mobil/Exxon: We’re less evil than R.J. Reynolds.
And now back to the Super Bowl….GO GIANTS!
for more humor that doesn't cost 1 million dollars per minute, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Not Named Jeffy's Sports Page Picks
You know how that Family Circus guy lets his comic get taken over by his kids?
Well now it’s Not Named Jeffy’s turn on Mom’s blog!
unedited and unproofd. (obviously)
Being a guy, naturally, I gravitate towards writing about sports.
Specifically, football.
Why?
It’s the most male sport there is. Two hours of eating bad for you food and watching other guys hit each other at great speeds. A perfect world experience for any fourteen year old, or any guy who has ever been fourteen.
As the playoffs draw nearer to Super Bowl (Insert some weird Roman numeral here), Not Named Jeffy makes playoff picks.
Get ready to call your Vegas bookie.
First up: Seattle vs. Green Bay: The Seahawks are losing to The Packers with their quarterback from …what? The late 60’s maybe early 70’s? This is pathetic!
MEMO from Me: to Seattle guys, you are losing to a guy nearly twice your age! That’s just sad.
San Diego vs. Indianapolis: The Chargers and the Colts, who really cares?
We all know Manning is motivated by one of two things: Being a really good quarterback, making a lot of commercials. The question is, can he hock enough products to merit his own channel? The All Manning, All the Time Channel? AMATC for short. At least sponsorship wouldn’t be an issue. Not Named Jeffy’s Picks: Rooting for the Colts on the pseudo perception that they are a purer motivated football team en masse. Can’t name a one.
New York vs. Dallas: The Giants and the Cowboys, you know what I going to pick the Giants, so Eli can get his ring. It will also secure his retirement, as he can then go endorse hokey products that don’t work, following in his brother’s footsteps –like sprint phone, OXY cleaning 123, and other things that can be found easily at either the dollar store or QVC. Maybe Payton will let him do a guest spot on AMATC in the early morning hours.
Finally the New England Patriots and… does it really matter what I say? If Tom Brady broke his leg, the Patriots cover the spread and win. If Brady and Moss break legs they win. If Tom, Randy, and the Defensive line all break their legs, Bill Bellicheck will come in and we are back to square one. Patriots win big.
Now if Bellicheck, the defensive line, Tom Brady, Randy Moss, and some obscure backup quarterback aching for some playing time all break their legs, everyone plays with broken limbs, but the Patriots find out (insert Running Back’s name here) can actually run. Jacksonville is left in full body casts, as Bill beats a healthy player to death for getting his cast wet with Gatorade.
Not Named Jeffy? This is not Bill Keane. Why can't you write like this for your English class?
Umm.....Tune in next time when Not Named Jeffy tries to find his way home on the metro. You can trace the detours and chuckle softly for no apparent reason!
Well now it’s Not Named Jeffy’s turn on Mom’s blog!
unedited and unproofd. (obviously)
Being a guy, naturally, I gravitate towards writing about sports.
Specifically, football.
Why?
It’s the most male sport there is. Two hours of eating bad for you food and watching other guys hit each other at great speeds. A perfect world experience for any fourteen year old, or any guy who has ever been fourteen.
As the playoffs draw nearer to Super Bowl (Insert some weird Roman numeral here), Not Named Jeffy makes playoff picks.
Get ready to call your Vegas bookie.
First up: Seattle vs. Green Bay: The Seahawks are losing to The Packers with their quarterback from …what? The late 60’s maybe early 70’s? This is pathetic!
MEMO from Me: to Seattle guys, you are losing to a guy nearly twice your age! That’s just sad.
San Diego vs. Indianapolis: The Chargers and the Colts, who really cares?
We all know Manning is motivated by one of two things: Being a really good quarterback, making a lot of commercials. The question is, can he hock enough products to merit his own channel? The All Manning, All the Time Channel? AMATC for short. At least sponsorship wouldn’t be an issue. Not Named Jeffy’s Picks: Rooting for the Colts on the pseudo perception that they are a purer motivated football team en masse. Can’t name a one.
New York vs. Dallas: The Giants and the Cowboys, you know what I going to pick the Giants, so Eli can get his ring. It will also secure his retirement, as he can then go endorse hokey products that don’t work, following in his brother’s footsteps –like sprint phone, OXY cleaning 123, and other things that can be found easily at either the dollar store or QVC. Maybe Payton will let him do a guest spot on AMATC in the early morning hours.
Finally the New England Patriots and… does it really matter what I say? If Tom Brady broke his leg, the Patriots cover the spread and win. If Brady and Moss break legs they win. If Tom, Randy, and the Defensive line all break their legs, Bill Bellicheck will come in and we are back to square one. Patriots win big.
Now if Bellicheck, the defensive line, Tom Brady, Randy Moss, and some obscure backup quarterback aching for some playing time all break their legs, everyone plays with broken limbs, but the Patriots find out (insert Running Back’s name here) can actually run. Jacksonville is left in full body casts, as Bill beats a healthy player to death for getting his cast wet with Gatorade.
Not Named Jeffy? This is not Bill Keane. Why can't you write like this for your English class?
Umm.....Tune in next time when Not Named Jeffy tries to find his way home on the metro. You can trace the detours and chuckle softly for no apparent reason!
Friday, December 7, 2007
As American As...
Baseball, Mom and Apple Pie...
I debated leaving out that phrase to let the reader fill in the blank as part of the conceit.
Everyone and their dog has used this cliché to describe some aspect of life in America, from illegal immigration to massive credit card debt to the latest model SUV with extra cargo space, a DVD player and heated leather seats. Googling the phrase to discover its orgin only muddied the waters of what it means to be “as American as” that game with a stick and nine players, your biological maternal unit and granny smiths chopped and mixed with a good heaping of sugar and tapioca baked to gooey perfection.
The web search for “American as…” lead to Music, Drugs and Movies, a tag for a Flowmaster Exhaust system and a What kind of Chocolate Pudding are You quiz that I refused to investigate. There was an ad for Jim Salestrom, a musician who someone loved as much as…you guessed it. I also found a screed on how politicians HAVE to like baseball, Mom and apple pie, as though those were bad obligations. Though I suppose cherry lobbyists would appreciate slight modifications, not to mention Hockey Players or for that matter, Dads.
Even old Bartlett Quotations let me down as I could not trace the source of this tried and true phrase that has been used to describe so many and so much while revealing so little. These words have been used to justify cookies and milk at snack time for kindergartners from super unctuous nutrition police in Lembke, though I don’t actually think Lembke is in America. Money management used it to describe the need to save for retirement. Five pages back in the Ask Jeeves search, were sites dedicated to both love and hated of all things Walmart, and a promotional page for a Portland Oregon Radio Station. Ten pages deep into Google, there was a scary website I also wouldn’t visit, hotboxingnews. I'm sure it's very heart warming and patriotic though.
I guess the need to equate one thing with another and ascribe virtue and appeal is very American. Think I’ll grab a pizza, watch some football and call my Mom.
What can I say? I’m still something of a traditionalist.
I debated leaving out that phrase to let the reader fill in the blank as part of the conceit.
Everyone and their dog has used this cliché to describe some aspect of life in America, from illegal immigration to massive credit card debt to the latest model SUV with extra cargo space, a DVD player and heated leather seats. Googling the phrase to discover its orgin only muddied the waters of what it means to be “as American as” that game with a stick and nine players, your biological maternal unit and granny smiths chopped and mixed with a good heaping of sugar and tapioca baked to gooey perfection.
The web search for “American as…” lead to Music, Drugs and Movies, a tag for a Flowmaster Exhaust system and a What kind of Chocolate Pudding are You quiz that I refused to investigate. There was an ad for Jim Salestrom, a musician who someone loved as much as…you guessed it. I also found a screed on how politicians HAVE to like baseball, Mom and apple pie, as though those were bad obligations. Though I suppose cherry lobbyists would appreciate slight modifications, not to mention Hockey Players or for that matter, Dads.
Even old Bartlett Quotations let me down as I could not trace the source of this tried and true phrase that has been used to describe so many and so much while revealing so little. These words have been used to justify cookies and milk at snack time for kindergartners from super unctuous nutrition police in Lembke, though I don’t actually think Lembke is in America. Money management used it to describe the need to save for retirement. Five pages back in the Ask Jeeves search, were sites dedicated to both love and hated of all things Walmart, and a promotional page for a Portland Oregon Radio Station. Ten pages deep into Google, there was a scary website I also wouldn’t visit, hotboxingnews. I'm sure it's very heart warming and patriotic though.
I guess the need to equate one thing with another and ascribe virtue and appeal is very American. Think I’ll grab a pizza, watch some football and call my Mom.
What can I say? I’m still something of a traditionalist.
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