Toys Kids Don't Want

Every year at this time, marketers lose their minds. 

Specifically, they start shilling for things that no child has ever expressed a wish that they would own.  The following is a short list of worst gifts ever, guaranteed to annoy and injure any loving relationships that might otherwise exist. Some are bad because kids wouldn't want them, others are bad because adults won't like them, and some are just simply bad ideas all together.

Stompeez Slippers: shoes for bedtime that require stomping. Bedtime! Stomping! This is a behavior we want to encourage?

Chixos:  1000 plastic tiny toxic petroleum based smaller than fruity pebbles type rings that are easy to lose and look like colored licorice. Kids will have fun with small non edible parts making things that are not edible. Parents will have even more fun cleaning up non edible parts.

Happy Nappers: Pillows that are shaped like pillows, you sleep with them like pillows....hmmmm.  Yeah. Kids all over the world are thinking, you know what I want to do Christmas day?  Nap.   No. That's what grown ups want to do. 

Doggie Doo Game: This game does exactly what you think it does with play dough and a semi anatomically correct daschund.  I quiver in fear of the auxiliary set add-on, Doggie Pee. 

It may seem I'm dumping on infomercial type gifts, but you'll note, I haven't slammed (as tempting as it might be), the Forever Lazy. For the uninitiated, a Forever Lazy is a cheap onesie designed for people past the potty training stage of life, for those for whom a Snuggie is too complicated. Hard to imagine since Snuggies were created and marketed for those who felt intellectually taxed by blankets and/or sweaters.

Now, a final note: purchasing these sort of gifts doesn't make anyone a bad person, it just means you may have some moral failings that need addressing.

Things that are Wrong in So Many Ways...

5.  There's only one thing to say, "Oy Veh!"

 


4. Scientists may have understimated the number of stars in the universe by a factor of three, meaning there might be over 300 sextillion twinkling lights out there.   That's 10 to the 21st power.  Please, no one tell Congress such a number exists...they might consider it to be a goal.

3. Bacon Ice Cream. 
 By all foodie accounts I've read, it is good.  But I'm not eating it, not even if they add tomatoes and lettuce, mayo and bread.  **My son quipped, "Whatever it tastes like, it's not Kosher."

2.  Leesburg last year banned all Christmas displays and references to Christmas, a mistake because that town is gorgeous and filled with one of a kind cool stores for shopping which benefited from the festive lights and trim and extra bits of decor of the season.  This year, in a fit of over correction, the same geniuses have okayed having a display for anyone who applies, and that includes a creshe scene with Luke and Leia.  No, I'm not kidding.

http://mddailyrecord.com/2010/09/08/from-jesus-to-jedi-loudon-county-oks-displays/

Now I am a Star Wars Fan but perhaps the original nonsense of the Star Wars Christmas special would be less annoying.  



Okay.  Perhaps not.  Sorry about that.   Really.  Hey, I just noticed an added bonus, they're wearing Snuggies!  Maybe in that galaxy far away amongst the 300 sextillion of stars, they celebrate with bacon ice cream too. 

1.  The internet provides permanent proof that nothing that is nostalgic or fun can't be ruined.   Yesterday, I was subjected to "A Miser Brother's Christmas," an unnecessary sequel that delves into the psychology behind the animosity between Snow Miser and Heat Miser.   I loved the banjo and trombone piano ragtime songs of those dueling brothers.  I didn't need motivation or underlying issues.  They were brothers. Of course they fought.  It made perfect sense to anyone with sense or for that matter, a sibling.  Memo to baby boomers in the entertainment industry...STOP DECONSTRUCTING MY CHILDHOOD.  You are leaving scars!!!!!  

**In the spirit of charity, I have not subjected you to a clip from this abomination of animation.  Instead, as a touch of the cap to yesterday's post, I submit this YouTube clip of Josh Groban singing "Oh Holy Night" as a palate cleanser.  (Gets rid of the bacon aftertaste).     My favorite rendition was recorded some time in '90-91, as the kids at the school where I taught learned to sign it for a Christmas program. (Yes, that is what it was called back then and yes it was a public school and they let this song be played at lunch over and over and over again so the kids could get the signing correct).  I've never heard that particular version of it since on the radio or anywhere else.