Carbon Dating

No, this isn't a commercial for diamonds or a plea for people to be ecologically romantic.

This concerns things far dearer to all of our sweet hearts.

Valentine candy.

News reports have emerged indicating that some of the sweets for your sweetie are older than the actual relationships being celebrated, and in some cases, more dated than the Hallmark verses in the cards. Specifically, those heart sugar things that allow one to non verbally convey retro phrases like "Hot Stuff" and "Luv Me" without being slapped down and labeled with a scarlet "L" loser label for one's trouble.

Ever alert to the beginnings of a crisis for the romantic Valentine celebrating constituencies out there, Congress drafted an immediate bill to create a stamped "freshness date" placed on subsequent candy heart boxes. "Of course we can't stop those unethical candy men and women out there at the shops that sold the 2 year old stuff who simply open one box and fill another with a fresher stamp." one congressman explained on the condition of amnominity.

Naturally, some conglomerates who sell candy objected to the idea.

"Who wants to know how old a "Bit o'Honey" actually is?" asked one lobbyist.

He was shortly sacked thereafter by his consulting firm but his employers were hunted down by disgruntled children who recognized that they must be the one who sell those damn things in bulk to hand out at Halloween. One minor participant who refused to give her name explained simply, "They've got to be stopped."

The bigger scandal was that someone actually ate a candy heart.The Sweetheart Candy Company spokesman was at a loss. "We've never had this problem before. No one ever considered eating them, at least, not without egging on by classmates or under the influence of alcohol. I'm not even sure they're bio-degradable."

In the meantime, public officials have put out warnings to the consuming public about the candy confections in question. "Stick to using Alphabits if you want to send a message to your sweetie involving food, they at least have been determined to not pose any significant health risk, and some of those boxes are decades old. Or Campbell's alphabet soup if you're really patient and your spouse or beloved doesn't mind eating cold condensed tomato puree."

Sweetheart Candy Company has offered boxes of heart shaped rocks in exchange for any pre-purchased unconsumed candy. They denied that the rock boxes were simply 10 year old candy hearts unearthed from storage.

Competitors however have jumped on the opportunity produced by the scandal of the aged boxes of sugar sentimental messages. "Chocolate! When's the last time you heard of anyone buying stale chocolate?  You just can't go wrong!"

Tootsie Roll Lobbyists remained silent on the issue.

Originally run in 2/12/2010.
for even fresher humor that's sweeter than hearts that say "Hug Me" try http://www.humor-blogs.com/

Valentine EKG Vital signs

The kids came home from school February 14th.

I thought I was home free.

I had helped make four recycled cereal boxes into Valentine Mail bags.

I had artfully decorated 24 chocolate home made cup cakes.

The day before, I had purchased each child their favorite candy to tuck in their lunch box and assisted with over 120 cards to ensure everyone in every class got one.

Thursday, they would have a special assembly, where the Principal would willingly hug a monkey, as payment for the kids having collected 3,500 cans of food for the food pantry program run by the Church on the same grounds.


They would then have Valentine's parties with cake and goodie bags, cards from all their classmates and a running of the Peanuts special. I figured, all was right with the world.

I mean, nothing says Valentine's day like the Principal of a school hugging a monkey and enough chocolate to coat the entire school, all in one day.

Alas. I knew nothing of how the day should be celebrated. I only knew my kid heart...if I had been at school, would have been satisfied and then some.

Around six, I discovered one unhappy Valentine. My eight year old son sat sulking, unable to voice his great disappointment with the whole holiday. He had eaten his starburst, looked at the cards, completed the puzzle his teacher gave, and done his homework. His face was red and his eyes holding back tears. "I hate Valentine's Day! It's a stupid holiday!"

Utterly bewildered, and at that moment, feeling more pressed for dinner than my son's psychological state, I tried being rational. "But, you saw a monkey..."

"It's stupid." he sulked.

So I tried a different response.
"It's not really a holiday made for kids sweetie. It's really more for couples, like me and your Daddy." I showed him the roses I'd received.

"We didn't do enough." he humphed.

Letting aside the desire to scream about what? which took considerable love on my part, I asked, "What would you have us do?" Visions of the Principal having to walk a tight rope over live lions came to my head.

He wanted a fancy dinner. I happened to have a pot roast which, if sliced properly looked like steak --that's what he called it and that's what I said I was serving.

He wanted us to tell each person why we loved them.
The Mom in me approved. This did not seem impossible, so I pulled out the red tablecloth and the good china and he felt comforted.

So we tried to sit for dinner and each tell what we loved about another. One kid tried to be clever "I love her because she's not stupid." and it got her sister mad. And rightly so. I had a spoon I used as gavel. Judge Mom would solve this.

The toddler spilt her orange juice causing a giant mess and forcing me to call a brief recess, as I sponged up the floor and wiped her down. In the meantime, the other toddler wolfed down his food and ran off to change back into his dinosaur costume.

My oldest two, buzzing from chocolate and other sweets and a semi-non academic day complete with lower primates started fencing with air epees. The dinner had been eaten and the five year old was huffing as they hadn't gotten to her yet.

Reassembling the crowd with the promise of desserts, we tried again. But the karma was off and no one was listening and when one brother refused to say something nice about one of his sisters, the one who ate her valentine candy in front of him and it was his favorite, without sharing despite begging, he got ugly. It got ugly. I got tired. I yelled. I lost it. The Judge Mom had lost her judgement in that moment.

The sentimental one who wanted this whole deal started to cry and I knew I mistrialed in motherhood at that moment.

Now I felt so lost it was hard to speak. Here I had broken a holiday but good. There was a hard silence as all the children looked at their mother who was searching for words and feeling drained and frustrated. But the very same son pointed out this was why we needed Valentine's day --and with a hard hug, he reset the table mentally. He even brought me diet coke.

The older ones heard him and sat down. Even Dino boy came back.

So it wasn't perfect and it wasn't my finest, but it was his. And next year, we'll celebrate his style of Valentine's day.

I'll be funnier later. In the meantime, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/.

From the Bottom of My Heart

By mutual agreement, all children ages 7 and up through 8th grade shall not be subjected to the cruel indignity of having to express affection or even friendship to their entire class via Red papers and chocolate candy hearts.

Every year, it is the same. We go to the pharmacy and the boys spend most of their time hoping Mom will grant them a “get out of jail Free” moment and not require they address 31 “Be My Valentine” or “You are My Friend” Spiderman cards. One year, I thought I had solved the problem by printing labels that said “Happy Valentine’s Day from” that we could just slap on Hershey bars. It would have worked if his younger sister hadn’t started in on central supply.

The consequence was a late night for both of us as we cut and pasted paper hearts for all the kids and he moaned over the fact that his Valentines were the very worst. “Why do we even have Valentine’s Day?” he grumbled.

Now I could have given a historical or theological answer at this point, but instead I flipped the conversation. “Why do you think we do this?”

“So girls can figure out who they want to marry.” He growled. “I’m never getting married.” And to prove he was serious, he lay down on the floor, arms and legs extended, playing “Dead dying dog,” from a bad silent movie.

I get six to eight year old boys hating all those hearts and flowers, but even worse is coping with sixth grader girls. “Mom, the only ones left are really creepy. Do we have to do the boys?” Suppressing the desire to whoop as a parent, again, I offer the option of home-made valentines and explain, the purpose of the day is to show our friendship and affection for each other, to go out of our way for people we otherwise take for granted. She listens and we resort to index cards with taped M&m’s and red heart stickers.

The kindergartener of course is absolutely in love with the whole concept of the day. She thinks we should wear red sparkly things 365 days out of the year and immerses herself into the process of adding additional glitter to each and every card. The amount of sentiment expressed by her alone is enough to send the boys scrambling for a star wars video, as if to sponge the sugary heartfelt enthusiasm of one so enamored with Cupid from their collective psyches.

After shepherding four children through the hazards of giving for the occasion, I still had preschool to manage. Twenty Valentines later, even I felt slightly overdosed on the color red.

Little did I know, I wasn’t done yet.

“Hey Mom?”
“Yes son?”
“What are you going to get Dad? You know, to go out of your way to show affection.”

Now I love my husband, but the sentiment meter on my psyche was reading “E.” Truthfully, I hadn’t given it a moment of thought.

“Well, I’ve been kind of busy…” I started weakly.
“You mean you Don’t have a gift for HIM?” my daughter rounds on me. A mutiny began. My five year old looked broken at the prospect of her OWN Mother having failed the Romantic test.
“I thought I’d try for a baby sitter.” I scrambled.
“And?” My sixth grader pouted, dissatisfied.
“And maybe get him a book and a CD.” I’m improvised, adding hastily, “Maybe opera, something we don’t have.”

Eying me with collective suspicion, they set their minds, “Get your purse.” My oldest ordered. “Sis, you load the others, I’ll get the baby. Mom needs to go shopping.”

And so it came to pass that my husband got a Red Propane Bar-b-que grill and coupons for some gourmet steaks this year. When he opened his present, he said, “Honey, this is really….unexpected.”

“Well, you know Mom,” my son offered. “She’s a Very thoughtful kind of person.”
Happy Valentine's Day!
for more sentimental heart moving humor that's full of thoughtfulness, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!

And Now, A Dog and Pony Show!

My blog is up for review at Humor-blogs.com which means we have extra visitors this week.

The complaint has arisen amongst the reviewed and the reviewers that no one checks the archives to see if a blog is consistently funny.

There are two theories to being evaluated.

1) Time to be reviewed, get gussied up, put on your best lesson plan and hope it dazzles.

2) Time to be reviewed, do what you always do, and be praised or damned for what you do normally.

Now, when I was a teacher, I fell into the second category. As a parent, I have come to appreciate the first. We want the dog and pony show, even if we know, that's exactly what it is. One of my favorite quotes is, "If this is the best there is, then boy are we in trouble." It applies to blue ribbon schools, television shows, political candidates....

Thus as a service to all those out there who want to know if Chocolate for Your Brain! can dish out consistent comedy, I commend to you, the best of...I'm giving you the titles, you'll have to click on them to enjoy! It's like getting the guide to the inside of a box of Chocolates. You know exactly what you're going to get. I promise no jelly filled ones.

Yes, I even dressed up for this one. I put on makeup this morning because appearances matter.

In the Archives. This blog started back in late October, I formally launched it --let friends know and spammed out messages November 4th of 2007.

October and November Selections:

Start with First Impressions, it reveals who I am and why I write, something people who review these things sometimes want to know.

Higher Concepts of Math and Me for those who have older kids, will amuse anyone who has had to help with homework.

Game Boy or X Box Live deals with teaching children laundry and Game Show addresses the vexing question, Name that Sound! A child is in the other room. You hear a noise. Run? or Ignore.

December Selections:

Yes, I did seasonal stuff, Sauce for the Goose is a worthy contender, as is The Real Christmas Fruit Cake and Why We have an Artificial Tree.

January Offerings:

Stand Up! Waiting for Mensa to Call and Man Shop! Get my votes, along with 50 Something Betters for rounding out your reading pleasure.

Of course, the other stuff is equally stunning. Some of it is even more fun than LOLcats doing the tango over Niagra Falls. (I don't think there is such a shot yet so if you hurry, you can own that puppy....er...kitten...whatever). Two that work in tandem are Potty Wars and Cold Potty Wars, and for more toddler mischief writ large, try the Adventures of Contrary Boy and She Who Would Be Two, or Pillow Talk!

If Political stuff is your cup of tea, check out Hillary's Family Tree and Cheers for Iowa! and Richard Blane for President is coming next week. Timely satire includes Law and Order in the Food Court from the archives, and Having a You TubeMoment.

And there you have it, a few pieces with nuts, some with fruits, and some truffles and caramels to round the whole thing out. And you can eat it all up without any guilt whatsoever, and all before Valentine's Day.

Happy Reviewing! As for the rest of you, I'm still a mom. Sometimes, you get leftovers.

Deal.
for more humor that's not warmed over or fresh from the microwave, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!