My Pet

I always wanted a pet. I never got the one I wanted.

Sure other kids wanted dogs, cats, fish, turtles, snakes, and gerbils, but I wouldn't hear of those. No, the pet I wanted was an Gray African Elephant. Why?
It's simple. It is quite possibly the ideal pet.

Having an elephant for heavy lifting, is much better for insurance purposes than the crane, truck, and steam roller you might need. Weeds a problem? Just let your elephant loose in the woods, you've solved your plant problem, and more than likely got those pesky deer. Even if the deer made it, they are not going to mess with a guard elephant. That goes double for burglars and door to door salesmen. People are going to be leery of anything you might tell to "sit" as a means of punishment.

No parking spaces at the parking lot+Pachyderm= No Problem. Just give the other cars a little nudge. Its even better on the freeway, because no one want to be That guy who cuts off an endangered species.

Finally, having an elephant would be a boon to my social life. Big talk at parties! Everyone wants to pet it and ride, and if some guy shows up with an Asian Elephant you can just say "That's nice but you know, mine's bigger than yours."

Not Named Jeffy's Vacation

You may or may not know my mother is in sunny San Diego right now. You probably do not know that I was the one who wanted to go to San Diego this year. That's right! She stole my idea!

What is so wrong about four teenage guys and their plan to traverse the nation in love of comic books and all things nerdy, culminating in the San Diego Comi-Con?

So Mom is off at sunny beaches, restaurants recommended by Food Network, and in all likelihood nerdy things I'm missing out on. Comi-Con doesn't start till next week. In my personal opinion she's setting up a booth and finding people to man it. She didn't want me going, because I would find out about her alter-ego as a comic-book author. Not as impressive as super hero, but geeky enough that you might want to hide it from people.

I think its cool Mom. (What does that say about me?) Your double life is no reason to prevent me from joining a group of inexperienced at driving teenage guys road tripping all the way across the country!

Wanting me to be at a local theater for the midnight showing of the Captain America movie might be a legitimate reason though...