Is This Thing On?

Ever have one of those days when you're quite certain the mute button has been selected and everyone else knows but you?  

"Could you shut the door?"  I ask as five children march out with the plan of playing soccer.  Not one hears.  Not wanting to make a big stink, I just shut the door.  I look out, it's hot, they've decided to start with Popsicles first.  I open the garage to remind them as they're passing out the pops, "Be sure and close the freezer and shut the garage door."  Five minutes later, after I've rodeoed the laundry along, I follow up and the freezer is slightly ajar and both doors to the garage are wide open, all the bikes having been taken out for inspection. 

"This is fine, but you need to put the bikes away when you're done."  I get nods in between sticky happy Popsicle licks. 

Thirty minutes later as I'm doing the dishes, I look out the window and spy three bikes, two trikes, a scooter and five skates along with 15 pieces of chalk abandoned and awaiting crushing by my van the moment I move the car. 

Like an Infomercial, I don't presume it's the message that's being rejected, it's just I'm  not using enough SHAM WOW volume.  So I summon the troops.  When they come, the commercial I planned is interrupted by a public safety message as all of the kiddos have red, green, blue or orange tints to their hands and faces.  I'm going to have to scald the doorknob to remove all the sugar and dye.  By the time I finish the cue of cleaning, they've settled by the TV.  Perfect.  

I turn off the TV and begin my pitch. "Hello Folks!  Are You Tired of Having Your House a Mess When All that's needed is for Kids to Put Their Things Away?  Have you been Asking and find that No One hears a word you say?  Well now, there's Momitis.  That's right, Momitis.  Momitis is the SIMPLE patented Method of Ensuring ALL Your TROUBLES are Over.  Use Momitis when you want the bikes put away.  When you want doors shut or lights turned off.  Momitis also works on excessive Television watching, getting homework done and solves pesky hunts for SOCKS."   The kids are giggling.
"HOW DOES IT WORK YOU ASK?" 

"IT's As Easy as MOM and APPLE PIE.  You state the desired chore.  "Turn off the Bathroom Light."  Point to the desired child.  I pointed to an eager and entranced six year old, and then say "Please." and watch that KID go!"  Sure enough, the six year old ran up the stairs and turned off the light.  When he comes back down the stairs.  "Wasn't that amazing." I clap.  The other kids clap.   "But, let's try it again.  Go Make your Beds. Please."  and this time three scramble to comply.   "What fabulous results but wait, there's still more!" 

Moms, you can use this effective product for the low low price of a few kisses and hugs.  Pay 2 now and give two more when you receive the desired effect.  MOMITIS is not sold in stores or online.  You CAN ONLY GET IT HERE.

MOMITIS works best when children listen and Moms give clear directions but what about a more complex task like putting all the bikes and skates and scooters away so we won't destroy them with the car?   The kids lined up for their prepaid hugs.   And returned for prompt payment in full.  

The thing is, one can only SHAM WOM mom for so long, it's exhausting.  But the bikes were cleared, the beds made and I hadn't yet used up kid good will in the process when we still had grocery shopping and a few errands later in the day.   While working on the computer, I heard kid versions of the infomercial being used to get books, snacks and trade chores. I heard one child trying to infomercial his way into getting his sister to part with her end of school year chocolate from a party.  The sister was feeling oppressed until I called out, "ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTIONS or CHEAP KNOCK OFFS.  MOMITIS, ONLY Available BY MOMS FOR MOMS."

All I Want for Christmas is NOT As Seen On TV

Over the past few weeks, my kids have been overwhelmed by infomertials that ran in between harmless Christmas specials. They've been brainwashed into thinking the "As seen on TV stuff" I just can't bring myself to buy, would make perfect presents.

First, there was concern about what to leave for Santa as a snack. We didn't have the perfect brownie patented mold. No one had ever complained before. I had always been gracious about eating the ruined ones, but now, there was no excuse for my irregular batches of chocolate gooey goodness. I suggested we make a cake instead.

But I didn't have the giant cupcake mold. I'd seen that commercial: bratty children stick out their tongues at a plate of cupcakes and give gob smacking smiles for the single one the size of a turkey. My oldest daughter looked at it and said, "Isn't that just a cake?" but my middle son took down the phone number.

Indoctrinated by the many opportunities I was letting slip through my fingers, they tried practical suggestions, like the "Your Baby can Read!" program for three payments of 29.95! I explained that I didn't want to fork over 90 dollars for flashcards and videos. My kindergartner shook his head ruefully. I could almost hear the "She's a bad mother." whisper in his head.

When you have nine children, you figure, you're going to disappoint some, but hopefully not all. My easiest to please was brought down by bump-its. My daughter said those hair clips would make her look "fabulous" especially for Christmas. I sighed knowing she would be disappointed by the lack of fat hair December 25th, though I did get her shampoo, conditioner and a hairbrush.

The bathrooms today are toothpaste debris free but only because I cleaned them this morning. They'll have to squeeze the last bit of paste out with manual labor, by rolling it, and they'll have to wipe down the counter because I yell about the gobs of blue goo.

They won't have moonsand or paperoni or chixos or bendaroos because I struggle cleaning up from the endless crafts my kids design with ordinary paper plates, kleenex and cotton balls. I have enough maternal guilt already from all the times I've tossed their creations in the trash, such that I do not want to purchase more craft items I Know I'm going to throw away.

Having openly mocked Snuggie robes as gifts for those who find blankets too complicated, I was surprised when my toddler daughters suggested it as the ideal gift for me. My older ones have heard me rant that they're like the chia-pet version of a sweater and used to be called mu-mus. But if the 2 and four year old use those puppy dog eyes on their daddy because they think the zebra stripe looks pretty, I'm getting one and I'll have to grin and wear it, often.

So next year for the sake of mothers everywhere, I'm creating my own infomertial.

All the perfect gifts for Mom; gourmet chocolate, a silver watch and a red wool wrap available with one phone call. Credit cards accepted. In four easy installments of 39.99, you can have the perfect gifts for your mother! Women all over the fruited plane currently sweating in leopard polar fleece burkhas and eating perfect brownies will thank me. Order now!