Ten Things to Keep Yourself Sane This Summer

Every summer, I have to make a public service announcement for the sake of my sanity, and to ensure there is no confusion whatsoever amongst my offspring.  This formula, when used, limits the nags necessary to ensure we will both seize the day and soak in the joy of the season.  

10) Kitchen operating hours are 7:30-9, 11:45 to 1, and 5:30-7.  If you want food outside of the prescribed times when meals are being served, post KP duty and prior authorization are mandatory.

9)  We grow potatoes, we have couches.  We do not have or grow couch potatoes.  Exercise.  Every day.  Not negotiable.  Bonus if you exercise outside.

8) Read.  We have books in every room.  These books serve two purposes.  They grow your brain.  They also allow you to avoid any chores if you are opting to read.  HINT: You can be three times as lazy as your brother if you are reading a book.

NOTICE: I will quiz you.
SECOND NOTICE: I've read almost every book in this house. (Fair warning).  
THIRD NOTICE: Dad's read all the books I haven't.

7) Music.  We have a saxophone, two trombones, a trumpet, a clarinet, an acoustic and electric guitar, bells, a violin and a piano.  Play something.   It can even be the theme from your favorite video game that you're not playing right now.

6) Clean.  Your room.  Your room must be clean. Why?  Because I fired the maid. It was me and she wasn't doing a very good job.

5) NEVER say I'm bored.  This is a ticket to cleaning the basement, the garage, yard work, the bathrooms and folding socks.

4) Play a game with your siblings and with me.  Nothing is more satisfying than beating your parent in a game of skill.  Cards...chess, Catan...imagine the bragging rights if you just prove your brilliance.
P.S. I have some pride.  I won't play Stratego.  I have been beaten.  It still smarts.

3) We will go to the library, pool and museums and the zoo.  Once a week, we will be making a trip so...no worries.

2) We have a list with 81 things on it.  We're not Phineas and Ferb, but honestly, they had a lot of fun without screens...you can too.  Do something from the list before turning to the machines for entertainment.

1)  Learn to be not bored with not doing.  This is perhaps the most important thing one can learn during the summer.

Happy Summer Vacation

Kid Christmas Rules, tips and observations

10) Any time after 4:00 a.m. is late for getting up for Christmas but Mom and Dad refuse to move until 5:30 so it's best to just wait.  

9) Parents should understand that any present that requires assembly/craft time or quality time must be opened and played with today.  Otherwise, it doesn't count. Ditto for books unless you read them to us.

8) You may consider clothing a great thing to find under the tree Mom, and we may need it.  Just don't expect us to get really psyched about such things.

7) Fudge, pie and Busche Noel make for a great Christmas breakfast.

6) Expect a toy coma to hit around 2 pm. It is then we will count up our Christmas loot, admire our gift cards and ask, "When can we go shopping?"

5) Food Network worthy feasts for Christmas day dinner are ill advised.  Remember, we raved over instant mashed potatoes and Pillsbury crescent rolls. 

4) No matter how much food you bought, there will be a need to run to the store. After all, we can't make ice cream with the new ice cream maker if we don't have heavy cream...(see rule 9).

3) Some assembly required should be done outside our eyesight.  It ruins the mystique of the My Little Pony Tent Club House if an adult and 12 year old are having a vigorous discussion about how the thing assembles and one is saying...."But I READ the directions" while the other is explaining the top has to have three assembly points and this one has four.  

2)  Ignore what we said back in #8. Can I wear my new tutu with the new t-shirt and sparkly socks? Today? Tonight for bed? Tomorrow? Forever?

1)  Thanks for not shoeing the Lego Sponge Bob Square Pants Crabby Patty Restaurant off the table even if it did mean we didn't use a table cloth for dinner.  The fullness of Christmas is in our eyes and hearts long before we ever get it in our heads, thanks for playing along and being patient about the whole business.

Merry Christmas!

Memo to Residents of This Home

The following is a public service announcement, designed to make your stay here at our home more comfortable.   Please familiarize yourself with the stated policies and as always, Manager Mom and Dad are on call to clarify any confusion you may have about any given regulation.

10) If you get up after 10 a.m. the kitchen is closed for breakfast; fix your own...use paper plates and clean up afterwards.   

9) Working business hours are from 7 am to 10 pm.  Emergencies happen, but watching TV, playing DS or the Wii or fighting with your brother do not qualify.  

8) Daily hygiene is required for and by all even on school break when there is nothing on the schedule.

7) This includes getting dressed for the day....and bedtime.
 
6) It is not a requirement of Christmas that we open every game, project, do-hickey, thingamabob and gizmo within the first 24 hours. 

5) It is a requirement of this house that if you do open every game, project, do-hickey, thingamabob and gizmo, that you put them away when finished, bored or summoned to eat.

4) Ordinary life still requires that Mom run occasional boring errands like dry cleaning and cook food that includes non favorites like vegetables.  Deal.

3) Nutrition still matters even in this celebratory season.  Christmas cookies do not qualify as a meal except on Christmas morning.  Ditto on ice cream, pie, birthday cake and soda. Those who recognize themselves; ugh. Boo.  Stop.

2) If you can't find an item that is beloved, necessary or as of yet, unopened, try looking before calling out a draft search party consisting solely of a parent.

1) Vacation from school is not vacation from reality.  The trash still has to be taken out, beds made, clothes put away and towels hung up.  Cope.

Thank you, love Mom and Dad.           

Street Rules for Skateboards

This past Friday, my son turned eleven.  We temporarily suspended our over protective natures and bought him a coming of age present, a skateboard.  It's pretty cool. It's red and steel and sparks when you lift up the front.  We'd souped him up with elbow, knee and wrist pads and a helmet and I'd given strict rules about not being unafraid to fall, to not go near the street and to take it easy.

After an hour of willingly wilting in the heat,  I felt I'd chaperoned enough and allowed him to continue sans my presence.  Within fifteen minutes, my four year old came in and announced, "My brother is going to die."  I asked why.   "He's on a skateboard, it's dangerous true but I don't think..."  She shook her head, "He's going to fly down into the street and be hit by a car." I looked out and saw my son, his face glowing with pleasure, skating around the flat safe part of our driveway.  "It's really nice that you're so concerned about your brother." I started.

"If he goes to the hospital, we won't get cake." 

"Well, we'd bring him cake if he got hurt but I don't think you need to worry about that." My son came into the house and poured himself some ice water, his eyes were alight with the triumph of being the boy with the birthday having received his heart's desire.  "You know what's really fun Mom?"

"No, what?"  I was enjoying this experience of a happy eleven year old child.
"Riding down the hill face first."
...
Okay, so maybe my four year old wasn't exaggerating after all. I made a mental note to give her an extra big slice of cake.

Now I know rules often get drowned out so I employed the Socratic method.  "If you had to stop, what would hit the street first?" I asked. 

"My face?"
I nodded.

I told him I'd get him a mouth guard tomorrow and he added a new skateboarding rule. No Skeleton runs.

Toddler 100% Proof

For all the talk of how one has to make a house safe for an infant, the reality is steeper than a newbie parent can possibly bear. Alas, those veterans out there know it well, a baby needs no padded walls or toilet locks, no latched drawers or bundled cords in plastic yoyo shaped discs.

Two year olds however, require a ruthless and systemic streamlining of the hearth and home to prevent maximum property devaluation from occurring before said toddler reaches the age of reason or the domicile is condemned.

Rules for Toddler Proofing a Home.

1. Ban writing equipment. As of this moment, all pens, markers, crayons, pencils, paint brushes, nail polish applicators, lip sticks, high lighters, sharpies, white out, paint, India ink, mascara and glue are officially illegal. They may not be purchased. They may not be borrowed. They may not be accidentally brought home in one’s purse or briefcase or backpack. Older children in school will have to complete their assignments either before coming home, or using blood, which will discourage excessive use and make it highly unlikely that the toddler will seek to imitate his or her older siblings.

Please understand that these precautions may not protect your walls from toddler creativity entirely. I just found my daughter drawing on the window with a bannana. Which brings us to rule two.

2. All food shall be placed at a height of 60 inches or higher to prevent scavenging. This includes traditional foods thought to be the preferred choices of toddlers, like multi-colored gold fish, Oreo cookies, apples and juice boxes, and some items that most adults would consider at the very least, unusual; free basing Maple Syrup, eating a stick of butter like a candy bar and grabbing whole fists of ground beef before it’s cooked.

3. Car keys are fun. They make excellent experimental objects for sockets and those plug plastic covers? They pull right off. Keep keys in a box on the top shelf of the cabinet or be willing to suffer the embarrassment of being awakened on a Sunday by the annoying car alarm going off that turns out to be yours.

4. Consider installing a close circuit TV and an ankle bracelet. Why? Because toddlers do 16 things in the time it takes an average adult to pour a cup of coffee. Your watch just went into the pewter pitcher in the lower cabinet, the one you use for special occasions, meaning you’ll find it on Mother’s Day when you go to put some orange juice in a pretty container.

5. Explain to older children it is unjust to use the fact that they are living with an essentially non civilized entity with opposable thumbs, to their own advantage. The two year old did not mess up your room or strip the bed or leave the toilet scrubber in the middle of the room. Okay, maybe that last part, but own your own mess. Even SHE can’t have done all of this.

If you impliment rule 4, you can even produce evidence, though as I said before, sometimes one cannot bear that much reality.

6. All liquids stored in the house, be they ketchup or water, Windex or shampoo, will be tripple sealed to prevent a "help yourself" mentality that has lead to more than a few moments of hyperventilating on the part of Mom. They will also be stored out in the garage.

Drinks served at meal time will be in sippy cups for all family members. This will prevent any unfortunate run-ins with electronic equipment that does not like liquid. No exceptions. You know, Cabernet with a touch of ice does surprizingly well in a plastic container.

ONE FINAL NOTE:

Take lots of pictures of her when she draws her arm entirely purple with the one marker left in the house, or when she stomps on grapes in the kitchen. This impossible stage fortunately is blessedly short, and you’ll want proof for when she has two year olds herself one day of why you can just listen and laugh.

Editor’s Note: These six rules were compiled from the antics of seven different children going through the stage of being two. Cupie Doll, a.k.a. Miss Chief, it wasn’t just all you.

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