Friday Writing...

It's day 42 of being at home, where sitting in a parking lot waiting for someone wearing a mask to bring out groceries feels like a risky maneuver. We've become regular walkers, regular chefs, and frankly, I don't care about my kids' academic career anymore. I'm calling this semester a wash. They can read books, play cards, play baseball with me and sleep in, they can eat ice cream for dinner for all I care, not because I don't care, but because right now, the landscape of life is surviving the long seige as we wait to re-open, and hope it isn't too soon, but that it's soon. I'm worried because I'm starting to hear stories, almost one a day; from my doctor, her brother-in-law died, from my student, his grandfather, from a facebook friend, her mom. I wonder, when the degrees of separation will shift and come closer. I worry, they will. We wear masks. We wear gloves. We hunker down, yet life kept going on.

I wonder if one day, when all of this lifts, if we will feel comfortable going into stores, going out into the world, or if every place from this point forward, will feel like a potential threat to all we love. My daughter picked her college (with five days to go). Another child turned thirteen. Five of my kids graduate this year, and one finished her thesis but it won't be reviewed, it won't be vetted, and it won't be noticed. She struggled as the degree itself starts to feel less valuable, with the price tag remaining just as high as it was before the Corona Virus struck, but the benefits now seem transitory at best. How do I help her enjoy and celebrate her accomplishment when what is valuable and what is not, keeps shifting? The losses they have, I can't fix, not the lost prom, the lost track season, the lost confirmation, picnics, field trips, all the extras that make April and May and June so crowded, all of it's gone.

I remember grousing about how busy we'd be, and now, it's all wiped clear. I have a daughter graduating from college, another from high school, another from eigth grade. Will they wear the robes? Will their degrees carry the weight of their work, or only the stamp and stigma of being 2020? I don't know. If there's a lesson from 2020, it's that. We don't know when will end. We don't know if next week, we'll have jobs. We don't know if when we order groceries, if they'll come. We don't know if the degrees will count. We don't know if colleges will be open in the fall. So my daughter has chosen her school, but the reality is, we do not know, we do not know, we do not know. What I do know is, we just have to live with this uncertainty as a constant, and that will change how we respond to everything.

The Cure for Outrage, Give two gifts of love and talk in the Morning

If we have a motto these days, it’s “Sing Goddess, of Achilles’ rage, dark and murderous,” for that is the song our culture sings over and over and over again, about politics, about entertainment, about religion, about family, about everything.  Outrage is the flavor du jour, the new orange.  Anything that does not deliberately seek to outrage, outrages someone for its lack of sensitivity and every outraged feeling takes precedent over every feeling expressed that is not outrage. 

Apologies outrage because they aren’t genuine.  Companies outrage because someone once said something untrendy. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes, it was heart felt, sometimes it's just stupid, but whatever it is, it outrages today, now, and forever.  


Books outrage because they fail to represent everyone, or because the author isn’t part of the representation, but has appropriated some representation for art’s sake.  Songs outrage because of their content or the lives of the singers.  Celebrities must be scourged for sins of the present and the past.  Even people who are outraged at others outrage, outrage others by not having been outraged before it was trending.  There are feeds and whole websites devoted to shaming whoever it is, or telling of the shame witnessed, so that we can feel better than whoever it is that did something worse.

Because the feeling itself is only a feeling, it's impossible to satisfy or eliminate.  Feelings, be they outrage, or sadness or happiness realized in life come from something other than how others act, they come from how we respond to how others act.  Sustaining feelings is impossible.  That's why love is a willed constantcy and not merely a feeling. 

To maintain a proper level of socially acceptable anger, the emotional muscles must be fed constantly.  Eventually, that means everyone else must be scourged.  There isn’t an end. It isn't that the pain of the past and present don't matter, it's that they cannot be all that matters.  Eliminating all the good, because people wanted to overlook the evil, is just as much a form of wilful blindness.  It's a gnostic vision of reality at best, and damning with a Calvinist view of the select few who "get it," that elite being anyone who recognizes everyone else is going to hell and rightly so even if they profess not to believe in a hell.   

History outrages for what people did, and what people didn’t do.  The present outrages because everyone lacks sufficient tact, charity and charm to be aware of everyone else’s feelings, and because sometimes, people get fed up with using these devices, since it doesn’t ever seem to garner gratitude.  Present people outrage for failing to be woke enough, and for failing to be woke sooner and for all those who aren't outraging over the right thing at the right time in sufficient degree.

Going to the book store and the book festival, I saw titles of outrage on parade for all the pains of the past and present, for every reason. Indeed, after perusing the stacks, coming upon a booth where the writer posted her coloring book, “The Happy Mouse of Harvest,” somehow felt like it must be ironic.  It wasn’t but I recognized how jaded I’d become, feasting daily on the news of the day, the daily slights and insults gossiped by the DJ’s of celebrities, the newest viral outrage, of politics, of Facebook and in my emails from lobbying groups demanding I write and let everyone know, that I, like everyone else, felt my wounds, reopened those that threatened to heal, and proclaim myself and everyone else a victim or an advocate for a victim, angered by whatever wrong someone perpetuated.  

That’s the problem with a steady diet of anger…it wearies the soul, it erodes the capacity to relate to others, and blunts any joy drawn from beauty, from simple pleasures, from ordinary life.   It is only in recognizing the humanity of another, that we can know something other than "the incalculable pain, of pitched countless souls into Hades’ dark.” --which the motto and inspiration of the age (rage), demands. 

No society can long endure when everything and everyone is considered unbearable, when all suffering and slights, all hurts are beyond the pale, and nothing is forgivable, much less forgettable.  If all sins must their debts be paid with interest in this world without forgiveness, we will succumb to a revenge culture, until we erode into mere revenge.  We will become a nation of islands, unwilling to submit to the demands of friendship, much less love, in our attempt to avoid disappointment, pain, suffering, and sacrifice, and to avoid becoming the focus of others wrath as the mob instinct becomes more the norm.  The center cannot hold.

We cannot numb the pains of life, past or present with things, with food, with fame, with books, with therapy, exercise, alcohol, travel, wealth, work or success.  We can only work toward being the kinder, more beautiful, loving society we aspire to being by being such things ourselves, towards others who are not, or appear to be not so, or are on their own journey seeking the same thing.  We all want a community, not merely a civilization. We all want to belong, to be accepted, to be welcomed, to be celebrated. The spirit of the age is of casting out, of whittling away, the opposite of what our deepest hearts long for. 

Last night, two children were having a teen based disagreement, where looks and simple movements…like changing seats became viewed as tactile slights and hurts.  I took out the Magnificat and showed the day’s Gospel and underlined the lines. “This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” They’re not there yet, they’re not even sure they want to move but I’m patient, because I know all love is a gift not merited, but always given.  It cannot be forced even by moms who want everyone to knock it off.  We can only seek to become closer to being worthy of such a gift.   If we want a better family, a better world, a better relationship with anyone, including ourselves, we’d best get to giving, to forgiving, and being for forgiving.  I send both to bed.

I'll figure out something to do with both of them in the morning, something genreous, unexpected and hope it reminds them, this is how we start. 

P.S. It worked. 

Having So Much More to Give

There are moments when you discover the gifts of others in the midst of doing ordinary things that make one wonder, how did I miss this before now? How is it not obvious to everyone, how luminous this person is?

When a student gives a beautiful response to a question, or writes an amazing paper, or does the opposite of what one expects, (given past behavior), these are the moments that make teaching worth more than the pay of a CEO.  When I look at the teachers of the school where I work, I know they live for that moment, even the ones who pretend to be jaded, for the surprise of a mind awakened, a heart turned, a soul suddenly filled with fire, wanting to take on whatever the future brings. 

More than once while pursuing this career path, I've been asked, "Do I think I could handle it?" and thus it seems, I should answer this serious question.   My thoughts run the gamut from "Of course...to, why not?" but when I'm not being flippant about it, when I look at the reality of what is involved in the day in, day out of teaching, they are to me rather like parenting.

 I know three things:

I will have days when it is hard.
I will have days when it is harder,
and I will have days when I wonder how I could do anything else.

The reality is, like it is for all these teachers, and all these students,  we all have so much more to give, and our zeal and talent and efforts fluctuate with the seasons and needs of our lives.  I want however, the opportunity to try.   I'm sifting through the landscape because I also know, I tend to want to give...and thus for me, the question is should I.  I think that's what this Lent for me is about...getting quieter, listening more, and allowing myself to be uncomfortable with not yet knowing, and searching for the answer to it. 

My initial answer is yes.  I can.  My secondary answer is...I will do what I find I am allowed, and trust that gift, be it what I do now, or something else, is something I can and should do. 

I didn't know I could raise ten children until I had to raise ten children.  Much of my life has been discovering the limits I placed on myself were just that, limits, and that those limits remained until I believed they could be challenged.  My own eldest daughter constantly shows me through her force of will, how much can be accomplished by forging one's own will into a thing of iron. I keep thinking, hers couldn't get stronger...yet it continues to be further forged.

So what does it mean about the writing?  Not a thing.  I'm a big believer in the both and, as opposed to the either/or, and I need writing, whether to focus my thoughts on parenting or anything else. In writing, like parenting, like teaching, like everything, there's always more to give, it's just a question of should we give it, and will we.   We all have so much more to offer than we know. 

On Point

Today I took my kids to see the Nutcracker.  I remember seeing it almost yearly and almost yearly making a silent promise to myself that next year, I'd somehow try out.  I didn't because 1) I'd forget,  and 2) The studio which put on the production was the competitor to the dance school I attended and 3) I wasn't so much a ballerina as someone in love with performing. 

Watching the performance, I wondered what my kids thought and looked admist the perfect dancers for the ones who persisted on sheer determination.  The kid just slightly off, but giving it everything, that's the dancer for me. 

The girls knew some of the vocabulary from a movie about dancing they've taken to recently, Leap!   One asked, "Is that a grand jette?"  "Nope. Just Jette." "Is that a piroette?"  "Yes."  "How many did she do?" "Seven."  "Is that a lot?"  "Yes."  Whispered discussion about theatre ettiquitte earned me another five minutes of asking "Why?" 

I'd love for one of my girls to love dancing like I'd loved it, to want to do it even when it isn't for a performance, to love recitals.  So far, six girls, no ballerinas. 

At intermission, we perused the gift tables. Anna wanted a rhinestone tiara.  Regina wanted a sword with a scabbard or a snowglobe. (We got the snowglobe), and Rita wanted a souvenier coffee cup (though I suspect for the chocolate inside).   I looked wistfully at the toe shoe ornaments.  No one in my crew would want such a thing.

After the show, the dancers took questions and introduced themselves.  Most began dancing at four.  None danced fewer than seven years by the time they reached twelve.  The girls loved the show for the most part, they liked the costumes and the experience. 

When we got back in the car, I overheard the girls saying how grateful they were, they didn't have to do something every day.   "Yeah, like the villian's daughter in Leap! where her mom makes her dance all the time." They can't ballance on point, but they have ballanced lives I thought.   "Thanks for taking us Mom!"  "This was awesome!" "Thanks for going out with us." They enjoyed it for enjoying it, and for no other reason, and that was sufficient. 

In truth, it was the reason I got the tickets, to give them a memory.  In dance, to do a turn, you must fix your eyes and return to the spot, and not forget in mid spin where you want to go.  In parenting, the issue remains the same, stay focused, and you'll stay on point.

Be More Thankful, not Less

I wrote this yesterday, but it wasn't finished until today.  So as part of Thanksgiving weekend, you get to partake in the meal the day after the meal and the words I would wish to all who bother to read my blog a day late as well.   Happy Thanksgiving to each of you, even if you do not celebrate it. Thanks for being here, for being part of my life in whatever manner, and for all the blessings of life.  Thank you.  

Some people found it hard to celebrate this national holiday this year, the same way people struggle with prayer when things are hard, or refuse to push through an exercise or writng block. However, it is when we through an act of the will, engage in these activities, that we reveal whether we do something for the feeling or for the love of the thing itself.   So be more thankful, not less. 

Every year, we’re reminded to cultivate gratitude for our lives in this country where we hold greater rights than most people have throughout history. It doesn’t mean we’re perfect. It doesn’t mean we’re more virtuous, to a person or as a nation, only that we have been and continue to be blessed to live here.

We are.  We are. We are. We are.  That’s what we give thanks for, for being part of this great experiment, with all of its wrong turns and errors. We give thanks just the same for the privilege we hold, to be free, to vote, to have a system designed in theory though often not enforced or revealed through our actions, to promote each of us to fulfil our lives without fear of repression by the government. 

Thanksgiving is a time to remember this fact. Today, we give thanks for all that we have because we know, it wasn’t always thus, and isn’t now for so many.  We owe those who don’t have what we have today and every day, at least the obligation of gratitude for the blessings we hold and take for granted. 

Today, we have family because today we remember we are a family; with crazy uncles and cousins we don’t always see eye to eye with, with people we should know better, and people we sometimes feel we know too well. Today, we remember what holds us together, even as we work to remove, amend or heal what sets us at odds.  The giving of thanks in our hearts marked by a feast doesn’t mean we don’t have plenty of problems; problems which require solving, problems which seem intractable, problems which seem like they shouldn’t exist anymore, and yet do.  The thanksgiving is to remind us of where we’ve been and where we’re trying to go.   

Happy Thanksgiving. 

There is So Much My Head Might Explode

Curt Schilling got fired for sharing a Facebook post and adding his own two cents. That is ESPN's right, they are in the perception business.  Target has made a decision to declare all bathrooms unisex. That is their right as a business.   Some will boycott ESPN and Target, others will cheer.  I don't know how we will survive the ever shifting sands of language and perception in these days.   We have protests and counter protests for everything, and never is there any peace.

However the question becomes, what is the cut off point? Can one discuss an idea not popular or discuss a moral stance not popular without being tarred, feathered and burned off the internet?   When, where and how can the public allow for diversity of thought?   Can one hold a moral position not popular, even dare to utter it or live by it, and hold a job in this century?

The internet does not care about anything but appearing righteous, and it's so easy to bandwagon pile on if you think your side is just, and the other side, either willfully malicious or intolerably ignorant. Such thinking is a lie, a lie we're facilitating every time we start to feel more cowed, more afraid of speaking because you might wind up the equivalent of North Carolina, or Curt Schilling or anyone else who dares to get out of line.  We keep finding reasons to cast stones...and feel justified in casting stones. It's great if you've got the rock in hand...but this is a bad way for society to operate.  We have to know, eventually, we will be the ones on the receiving end.

Or are we at the point where our media capacity and personal, private, religious and political positions are so threatening by their mere existence, that holding one not deemed fashionable is tantamount to a scarlet letter?  

I submit we are becoming Puritanical relativists, who aren't actually relativists.  We profess as a country to be tolerant, to not judge, but never in the history of our country, have the words "bigot," "homophobic," "racists," "misogynist" and "hater" been thrown around with more zeal and conviction.  We read silence, we see into people's motivations, we declare the souls unclean, and they are then convicted by the public, unclean.

I am old enough to remember when liberals scoffed at the simplistic moral thinking of President George W. Bush for stating, "You're either with us or against us."  Imagine!  Someone of intellect thinking everyone must agree or they're an enemy.  What a lack of nuance! What a lack of critical thinking!  We are a diverse people, with naturally diverse thoughts.  We can disagree.  We can even disagree on fundamental points, and still be neighbors, still be friends, still sit at the dinner table and enjoy each other's company.

In 2016 people are destroyed online for a tweet, for passing on a Facebook post, for holding a position 4 years ago, for donating to the wrong cause, for one wrong word, for holding something as true which overnight, someone decided they shouldn't. At some point, having litmus tests for everyone to pass that constantly change means we need to stop pretending we are a tolerant or free people.

If we're governing from a point of relativism, i.e. all religions are equal, there is no knowable truth, except that which is experiential and singular, ergo my truth and your truth are always equal even if they are different, then I would like for those who agree with this to explain how other than through force, any one moral position is superior to any other?

If we live in a world where the only truth is all truth is relative,* then the rule of law becomes the tyranny of the sand people.  We never know their numbers.  We never know what is the foundation, because it can always, always shift away.  Based on past history of all civilizations where the fundamental values are fungible, it will shift from the rule of law to the rule of majority to the rule of the powerful to the rule of one to no rule.

My issue is a process one. If we believe in Universal truths, we must have one discussion as a nation. That discussion is a question of what is good, how do we know it, and what does it look like in a society? I don't think we're having that discussion in this country at this point.   I'm not sure any leader or aspiring leader is asking any of these questions.

I ask these things knowing full well, it's a touchy subject.  It's a hard subject.  It's a real question.  I am Catholic. I can't cease to be that or I would cease to be me.  Yes. I hold to all of it.  Even when it hurts and I know it's going to, I know I must hold.  I'm also a coward.  I hate being disliked. Even the threat of it makes me afraid to write, afraid to speak, really wanting to cower in that upper room and stay there where it's safe, where I'm surrounded by people who think the same way.

However, going back to the sentence, I am a Catholic means I don't get to be safe.  

I believe we are made in God's image, all of us.  I also believe we have to do everything to heal everyone around us, and healing is never hurting one to boost the other.  God's way always raises all, while the fallen human's way frequently views all improvement of one class at the expense of another.  

I know and love, and have been taught great lessons by people with same sex attraction, people of diverse faith, no faith, and with alternative lifestyles I do not share.   I also know how hard it is to feel isolated, alone, and cut off from the rest of the world.  I may not know the experience of being a particular type of other, but I know, no one wants that pain of otherness, of isolation, of feeling cut off from the community.  Everyone (I believe this as a Universal truth), longs to be not merely tolerated but embraced and welcomed.  

Back to the little issue, of ESPN and Target and such things.

The demand for accommodation seems to be something business could manage by creating a singular unisex bathroom for use for whosoever needed to use the facilities, while still allowing for separate bathrooms to secure and protect the innocence of all children and provide privacy for all people.  

Such a solution would eliminate the pushing of any agenda on anyone at the expense of making companies actively illustrate compassion and understanding for all their customers through a physical service of shelling out the dollars (what they value most).  They wouldn't be able to pander or score cheap posturing points, they'd earn the right to say they were tolerant of diversity of people, by their works, not mere words.   That is a micro discussion of the consequences of living in a diverse society of people.

The macro discussion, of how we safeguard diversity of thought if the primary goal is diversity itself, or how we sustain freedom of speech, thought and religion if such liberties are punished by law and society itself, that conversation still needs to be held.

*(I know, it's self defeating but go with me that this is the premise we've embraced as a nation).

Thoughts on the Synod

Okay, I've read what amounts to "Wait until They're Done with this" to discern what's what, and its opposite, panic, "Something Wicked This Way Comes."   I've read articles that declared the discussion of the working document an earthquake, and other that said, meh, molehills.  

Having looked at the actual documents, there is a mixed bag, such that anyone can find something to like and something that gives pause.  I also read "Vatican bemoans premature release" , Advice for the Pope, and The Great Catholic Cave in that Wasn't.

The big issue for me was what is the Synod on the Family and why is it?  So I did some more homework...I found out the actual theme of the Synod at the USCCB website: 

 Q: What is the theme of the III Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops?

A: "The pastoral challenges of the family in the context of evangelization."

The writings that spurred so much controversy make much more sense in light of the theme of these discussions.  

I get what troubled people because it troubled me enough to pester some of my favorite Catholic writers before I settled down to do my reading rather than reacting. I wrote asking why the bishops were discussing what I knew to be settled doctrine.  That's the impression one got from Earth shaking and Ground breaking....press releases.

The bishops weren't discussing doctrine.  They were discussing pastoral care on a universal level.  Going out to reach those who for whatever reasons, (doctrinal objections or lifestyles) refused the Church, would require acknowledging these sheep needed to be found, and that it was the job of every bishop to seek out each soul, and bring them all back. 

Since the outreach of this Synod is to address the problems of modern life, in order to bring all back into the fold, recognizing the innate dignity of persons who identify themselves as having this orientation, is a good starting point for getting them to hear the Church's message of all of humanity having infinite dignity and being welcome.  

While changing the terms to simply read "Sinners" would satisfy those who thirst for an affirmation of doctrine, it wouldn't let anyone hear what was said, because few even amongst the faithful, are willing to admit openly, belonging to that category.  We aren't those type of sinners.  Or we don't do those type of sins. We may be a church of the fallen, but everyone likes to believe everyone else is more fallen, meaning somehow, we're less in need of God's grace.  Naming those being sought, helped those being sought hear what was said next.

The goal of the Synod is to have the Church's good news, the message of Christ's love for all of the people, everywhere, heard. Unfortunately, it won't be heard over all the arguments and the reactions and the worry.

Naturally, those who consider themselves inside the pen, (and everyone in the church thinks they're in the pen), feel ignored for not being singled out.  

Everyone want to be affirmed, petted and told we were good sheep.  

It is the human failing, the moral failing of presumption.  It becomes very easy to sympathize with the older brother in the story of the Prodigal son, or the workers in the vineyard who served all day and get the same as those who came last if we're in it for the accolades of the Father, and not for love of the Father. 

We all want to somehow merit more praise than the other.  We all want the Church to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." when what we should always recognize "You, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty." (Luke 17:10).  

It's hard, because such sublimation requires anyone who seeks to be faithful to recognize, we're not there yet.  We're in deep deep spiritual swampiness if we think because of how we've lived or are living, we somehow merit something.  All is grace.  All is a gift.  We merit nothing.  Either we are servants who love the Church, and thus serve freely, or we are slaves to tradition, and derive our satisfaction as do the Pharisees, from making sure the outside is clean, without ever considering the inside.   Either we trust and believe the Holy Spirit will guide the Church (and the gates of Hell shall not prevail) or have declared it to be a mere human institution.  In which case, we're all wasting a lot of time and energy on something to make ourselves feel good when there are a whole host of other things that would give us pleasure and require much less of us than everything.

For those still fearful, be not afraid.  If we seek a friendship with Christ, Christ will find us, and if we love Christ, we will be changed by that relationship.  This spiritual reality is universal, no one who seeks Christ, will not have Him knocking at their hearts.  The Synod has people who have considered themselves not part of the church because of their practice, wondering if they belong inside of it.  It is as if the doors have been thrown open, and the servants are going out to invite everyone, come eat.  We will have do decide whether or not to attend.  When we hear that call, we will either sell everything and follow, or walk away sad.  God never echoes our heart, we echo His. So when we fall into the trap of wanting the Church to say what would please us, comfort us, honor us, it means we're wanting the Church for us, and we've made an idol of our religion instead of Worshiping God.  

This is not an urge to faithful Catholics to wring their hands at themselves, it is a reminder of why we do what we do.  I get the confusion, now that I understand the why of how things were written.   I do not think "Nothing is troubling, don't worry," necessarily helps anyone, because the words put forth do require clarification, both of context and intent.  But that clarification will come, not spin, discernment.   

Catholic means Universal; there is no limit to who should be invited into the wedding feast, and no sin which if repented of, can keep a soul from Christ.  Everyone is invited.  The message of the Synod isn't finished yet, but it will need the help of everyone who considers themselves a follower of Christ, prayers, fasting and a joyful heart, plus a willingness to extend to both our brothers and sisters from whom we are separated, and to the princes of the Church, a trust that all is being done in good faith, even if all is not being done perfectly well.  One thing is for sure, if we want to make sure we come to the wedding feast after getting the invitation, all our hearts are going to have to get bigger.  

What Should the Ordinary American Do?*

*Inspired by a discussion on a board started by Mark Shea.

As a nation, we’ve established, neither the private sector nor the government have a lock on virtue or vice, in fact, both abuse their positions of power in ways that boggle the imagination of those who are actually part of the everyday 99% not in government higher echelons of power and not brokering big deals on Wall Street. We’ve also established that the media enjoys pointing the camera at anyone who disagrees with the status quo, and the counter media as well.   Whoever speaks up gets abused and called a loon depending upon which party one affiliates with –the Tea Party is stupid…the Occupy Wall Street are zombies and thus by decrying both uprisings as illegitimate, stupid, unreasonable, unwashed, uneducated, spoiled, crazy and out of touch, nothing actually has to be addressed.


With the Government, Corporations and Media having shown themselves to be 1) corrupt 2) wasteful and 3) undeterred by public outcry, what do we do?

All I can tell from the demonstrations, from the bloat of government, from the massive layoffs paired with massive profits, the cover ups and disquieting non reporting of scandals, the water carrying for whomever one supports, we've established: We’re a flawed people…this is not news.

Now what would be news is for voices of reason and moral soundness (no dog in the fight), to speak out and help us be the peace makers that Christ asks us to be.
So while it might be reactionary to vote GOP in response, it might be incorrect.  Likewise, voting for those who have to this point, exonerating themselves from all guilt for being gluttonous and power grabbing, warring and name calling because others did it first is equally wrong.  What is the third alternative? What is the option that would further our society and curb the abuses of these seemingly unbothered Leviathans?  I'm not interested in despairing.

If we throw out the standard deviations of both sides, those that allow opponents to scream “SEE? These guys aren’t legitimate, they aren’t worthy of our attention!” what is left?

I know liberals who have good reasons for distrusting corporate America.  I know Catholics who hold that voting against abortion is enough.  I know conservatives who fear our staggering debt.  I know Democrats who vote to try and shore up the safety nets for the disabled, the poor and the needy because they know these programs are needed.   In short, most Americans right, left or middle, act in their own lives out of good faith and vote accordingly. 

Most Americans, Republican, Democrat, liberal and conservative, moderate or otherwise, are neither the enemy nor the devil.   Most Americans want 1) the opportunity to succeed 2) that same opportunity for everyone else.  The question is always, how do we get there?  Most people disagree with injustices that seem systemic, corruption that is ignored, waste that goes on unchecked, the unraveling of the rule of law and the deliberate manipulation (either by ignoring or painting with words) by media that goes against the best virtues of our nation, right and left and always presumes bad faith.

So what do we do? Not vote? Then we tacitly allow whatever happens to simply be.  So disengaging is not the answer.  Besides, it's cowardly.

Run and be Palinized by the side that disagrees?

The modern age has the equivalent of mobs of wolves who do not care if your family is destroyed by lies or truth if they disagree and they are not culpable or answerable to anyone in this world. Truth is not the goal, picking the winner is.

I know it’s not enough just to play the roll of gadfly, we need to discern how we must act if we would be thoughtful citizens and help shape the discourse which is right now, merely discord; but I am not sure how to even begin.

Arranging the Stars

Fall is one of those times when one can feel as if the whole world is fading away.  It is a time of packing away the easier parts of life like sleeping in and unobstructed weekends and breaking out the bulky clothing of coats and scratchy sweaters, homework and back to school nights.  It can easily oppress to the point of leaving one an emotional parallel of the trees that have already shed their glory and seem overly prepared for winter. 

The malaise of Autumn like the dog days of summer, has more to do with mood than the month.  But fortunately, it can be countered, with hot cider and pumpkins, football games and the trees that are willing to wait and allow themselves to be changed by the weather rather than surrender to it. 

So when today was raining and rough and I'd seen a note from a friend who seemed to hold the weight of the world on her heart, I wanted to paint a picture of beauty with words.  I wanted a scene of peace and beauty because with our 24-7 news cycle, politics, internet noise and the speed of our lives that often seems beyond our control or understanding, we need the stillness that beauty invokes.  But the question had always lingered for me, why is beauty the answer?

We need that moment of awe that comes and makes everything better without explanations.  It brings us back to being fully human. A baby's toothless smile, a letter in the mail, a found ripe tomato amongst the ravaged remains of a summer garden, these are treasures designed to help us through such times when the very air feels moist with dullness.  Prayer, a phone call from a family member, a visit from a friend, these are things which refresh and restore. 

The deeper grace that comes from beauty  is designed to get us through the dullness and tedium that otherwise threatens to engulf the daily grind of life.  Falling in love makes us remember we are more than here.  Reading a great book or seeing a fine film does to, because we can forget time and place not because of instinct, but because of a higher appeal than can be described and understood through the mechanics of science.  Our need for beauty is not limited to sexual appetites, we need and desire it for all our desires.  It is hard wired and further in than the DNA.  

That is part of why hunting for beauty often fails, it relies too much on the physical senses for validation. 

Beauty comes unbidden.  It reveals itself in little ways like wild flowers and a favorite song on the radio, the desirous kiss of one's spouse, the hand holding of a child, and in larger doses like reading the daily gospel and knowing somehow, that reading was picked just for you because you would need it today.  Most of beauty comes with our hearts unaware of how fully it is desired or needed. 

The animal in us does not understand the need for such indulgences; the spirit however, is starved for things like flowers and hugs on birthdays, fires in hearths even when the home is warm, and music that fills the air without clattering.    God knows this deep need echoes His deep love and pours out this beauty in sunshine and rain showers and seasons and creatures and people.  It is to teach us that beauty is indeed, necessary.  God took the time to arrange the stars for our pleasure, out of love for us.  We are to be about the business of arranging stars for others here from that same impulse to please and to love and to serve.

Today, there was a five point stag in my back yard.  If I'd been about my chores and not looking about for something other than my duty, I would have missed this breathtakingly perfect buck.  As big as the creature was, it was amazing that an animal this large could disappear into the woods as stealthily as it had arrived.  Beauty had come unannounced and, having done its job, left. Echos of that moment stayed painted in my mind, patching frayed nerves that had been created by the day's schedule and the to-do list that remained to be tackled.  I wished for my friend that she might have the equivalent of a five point stag in her back yard, catching her up short, filling the space, calming the mind and heart.  

My four year old told me, "Mom, the beautiful deer is gone." as she ate her cupcake that she insisted needed rainbow sprinkles.  Eating only the frosting and sprinkles, she is feasting on beauty as children do before they become jaded to dismiss such intrinsic wants in favor of pragmatism, when it doesn't matter if there are sprinkles or not.  Likewise, my 8 month old doesn't just want a bottle, she wants to be held and have her bottle.  Even she gets that we need more than what we think we need.  It is only when we get lost in the adult world that we fail to see the deer or ask for sprinkles or remember that all of this time here is an extravagant gift.

Nothing we do is unmarked, unnoticed and that at no moment are we ever unloved. Everywhere, there is deep beauty ready to fill our deep need.  Everywhere is the opportunity to arrange stars for others. It is as close as God, as close as creation, as close as the next human in the room. It is in the very air. 

To my dear friend, I hope you know the stars were arranged for you. Breathe deep. 

Becoming Whole

In all families, civil wars occasionally erupt.  Brother against sister, North versus South, Republicans with Democrats, and even within the Catholic church itself; Catholics fight to divide what should be seamless. 

On the right, there are those who advocate a conservative close as possible to pre-Vatican II re adoption of the rules, (Kneeling only), (Women should be modest by only wearing dresses), (Latin Liturgy) and on the left, the progressive social justice crowd (works matter more than prayer or sacraments), (morals cannot be imposed or enforced but must only be discerned, meaning Saints, popes, the bible and priests are not sources of moral authority) (sacraments aren't much more than traditions that have been handed down that have created a particular culture from adopting tenets of older cultures).  All of us fall on one side or the other of that bell curve that is the total body of the Holy Catholic Church. 

The two sides in their totality can be easily spotted by the blogs and newspapers and magazines they prefer. But there's a problem with both renderings of Catholicism, neither is Catholicism.   We cannot erase half and declare ourselves whole.

We keep forgetting, Christ was both; God and man.

We are called to be like Christ.

Ergo, we are to hold sacred the gifts of the Church, her princes, the sacraments, her teachings (all of them), her relics, her traditions, her beautiful churches and her prayers, novenas, traditions and liturgical seasons.

We also are to act as if every person around us is Christ in disguise: the gay, the leper, the immigrant, the homeless, the mentally ill, the old, the disabled, the rich, the poor, the famous, the infamous, the lonely, the leaders of a political party we don't like, the radio or television talk show hosts we disagree with, the show offs, the corrupt, the prisoners and the judges, the living, the dying, the pregnant mother, the unborn child, the abortionist and the people who pray outside the clinic. There is no one, not one sinner we are not called to love.  

Christ tells us in so many of his acts in real life and in parables: We are admonished not to throw stones.  We are also commanded to go and sin no more.  We are the prodigal son and the older brother, we are Martha and Mary, we are those who wept on the road to Calvary and those who shouted "Crucify him!"  We are part of that crowd of 5000+ who received the loaves and fishes, we are also part of those who led Him off to die. 

No one should feel comfortable if they are to be Catholic. 

No one should look at that list and not at some point gulp and know that here or there, they missed the mark.  We all have a "Surely not I" moment or "Surely God doesn't mean that." There is something on the list somewhere, be it abortion, birth control, ordination of only men, selling everything and giving to the poor, taking up one's cross, washing the feet of others, going to weekly mass and to regular confession, being charitable towards some group of others, being more loving and more meek and serving than one feels, that we in our fallen flawed state rejects. 

We will have reasonable reasons and we will seek to soothe ourselves that we are only being reasonable, practical, and that God understands because He is merciful.  We will also presume that God appreciates how we are right and those other folks, be they right, left, perpetually slothful or overly mercilessly vigilant lack understanding and charity.

We have trouble because we think one must chose between Mercy and Justice.
We have trouble because we think Heaven will be peopled with people like us, or that Hell doesn't exist. 
Heaven will be peopled with people like Christ.  Hell will be peopled with people who refuse, and Purgatory will be overflowing with those of us who have not yet surrendered that part of ourselves that isn't like Christ, that refuses to exercise both charity and truth, prayer and service, to be both Martha and Mary to those around us. 

One side holds on to symbols and rigidity of custom, that truth is rooted in the past, the other views everything as fluid and subject to the fashionable philosophic musings of the day.  We shortchange our own hearts and minds with moral and mental blinders that let us only view one faucet of Him.
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This is the cure to all our squabbles, to all our strife.

We have the body and blood of Christ.  Christ's essence, like the Church's essence, is solid, is real, is always the bread that becomes the body.  We do not get to cut the consecrated host we consume. We must take it all, in full knowledge that we are forever not worthy to receive, but by God's mercy, God's love, we are allowed.  Christ's blood is fluid, but it is always wine that becomes his sacred blood.  Likewise, we are to pour ourselves out to others beyond what we thought possible.  

We aren't called to be at ease with ourselves, only at peace. We are called to trust in Christ's mercy but to work with the full knowledge that we must serve and serve and serve and still, we will not be worthy of this great gift. On our own, our hearts are too small to hold all of Christ, so we must allow our hearts to be broken open by God, by others, by life until we have hearts with no walls.

Christ is present, in a sacred and profound mysterious way that only can be found within the mass, within the sacraments. To be Catholic, it is not all tradition or social justice.  To be Catholic, one must simply love the Eucharist above all else. It is the sole reason for being Catholic; it is only availble within the Catholic church.  If one begins this journey, to love the Eucharist, serve Him that is the Eucharist will follow. Everything else that you do, say, think and believe will follow and eventually be reordered and tempered by that fierce devotion to our Lord and become as Christ would say, as Christ would do.

Perhaps this is why Adoration is on the rise, because all of us are seeking to become whole, and know our own pitiful interpretations of our faith miss the mark.  Our whole objective in being Catholic, is to become less us, more Him.   Our whole reason for being Catholic, is to know Christ as intimately as possible, such that each of us puts ourself out to others the way He did for us so that we do not judge but love, we do not condemn but instead nurse, and we forgive.  We speak truth and speak truth and speak truth, mindful of Christ's full holding to even the last letter of the law and we forgive and forgive and forgive, mirroring Christ's mercy and complete fulfillment of those laws as they were intended, to bring us into communion with Him. 

Left and Right, Liberal and Conservative, these are adjectives and in the end, they fall away. To be Catholic is to be the Eucharist for others.

Peace on Earth to People of Good Will*

*Some reflections from some comments and several discussions.

Peace is the first gift offered man by the angels at Christ's birth, and the first gift offered by Christ upon his Resurrection. Peace is that warm sense of community that comes from knowing that all of us long for the hearth in our homes, that all of us hope to be part of the 5000 fed. Genuine Peace is freedom from sin, not freedom from want or need. We need only look at the lives of celebrities to see that theirs are lives full of everything, except peace or conversely at the women who join the Missionaries of Charity. Their lives intentionally have very little, yet they hold an abundance of peace.

Peace does not come simply from having a military that can take down opposition with force (power); that is the mistake of order for peace; or having a full belly and all physical needs accounted for; the error of satiation for peace, or from the knowledge that no one is better off than one's self; the error of equality for peace. Security, Order and Equality and peace are not synonymous, the three are reflective of peace, but not its equivalent.

Respect for others is insufficient as a means of deterrence when faced with real evil, real wrong; polite regard and courtesy are reflective of refinement, but they are dangerous if manners and good appearances prevent one from acknowledging truth, good from bad behavior. A person can smile and smile and still be a villain; so can a country or a government. Peace is not something we can manufacture with arms or austerity or government programs or extensive systemic charity. It is something we must seek with our whole hearts to receive. If we want peace on Earth, pray earnestly and do good to bring others peace for true peace can only come from the Holy Spirit.

Peace begins in each of our hearts, responding to the slights, insults, irritations and annoyances of others not with anger or hurt, but with humor, gentleness, listening, truth and generosity of spirit. It must be practiced fresh daily and with everyone, even our worst enemies, but most often, it's hardest when required with those we love most. It is easier to love in the abstract where nothing is required than to love in the actual, where sublimation must be practiced; or at least it is for me. Peace means becoming light to and for others.

Peace comes from knowing that our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, and that God loves us despite our incapacity to hold onto this gift He freely offers us, absent our cooperation with His grace. Confident of this, His Peace comes from going about our lives trying to live out some fraction, some snatch of the Gospels, what Jesus taught and urged and still asks us to do.

If you long for peace within and beyond your homes, pray the Rosary. If you want that peace in your hearts and in the world; practice the beatitudes, wash the feet, serve in the Calcutta that surrounds you, that you see. Poverty is everywhere, and not just in the form of physical dire need, but in the closed hearts, the darkened spirits of our family, friends, classmates, aquaintances and neighbors. Christ in disguise for one, is obvious to another; that is why we all are the body of Christ. And we should work tirelessly hoping that everyone we see, we will meet again in Heaven and greet as the true friends Christ intended us to be.


Wishing all of you His Peace.