Winter Holiday Government Recommendations

It began as a simple inquiry from the government to the gentleman who has gone by the name Santa or St. Nicholas or Santa Claus or Kris Kringle or even, Father Christmas for as long as anyone can remember.   "We want more openess and transparency in the process and to understand how this organization works."  the letter sent back in July to the Christmas palace at the North Pole.

Santa refused to comment, such that eventually, he was requested to show up at the E.P.A. to answer questions.  Other representatives from other agencies took the opportunity to also make inquiries about the fat man's annual actions. 

Amongst the most glaring concerns, the practice of giving coal: 

Owing to the desire for "cleaner energy," Santa Claus and his entire organization up in the North Pole has been notified that providing children even with "clean coal" shall be deemed an environmental hazard.  A bureaucrat at the E.P.A. who asked to remain anonymous suggested that this practice of giving lumps of compressed carbon to minors could also be considered a toxic health hazard, "The smoke emitted from the heat when these small pieces of rock would be dangerous to inhale and could cause any number of respiratory conditions, some of which are serious."   When pressed for an alternative for "bad" children, he suggested a solar mirror. 

The Department of Education weighed in on the "judgmental attitude of Santa." "The notion of bad children is a severely outdated moniker that could lead to self esteem issues for the children involved.  Bribing children to behave by providing negative reinforcement is akin to spanking.  It is not appropriate in this evolved age when we know that all behavior is neither good nor bad but merely a cry for attention that has been reinforced by the adults surrounding the child."  He also suggested Santa make use of the federal website guide to parenting. 

Additionally, the head of Christmas Inc, a.k.a. Kris Kringle was also directed to consider a more health conscious image for himself, "He should stop smoking a pipe, shed about 100 pounds and at the very least, lose the dyed fur jacket.  What message does it send...fat jolly, smoking, fur wearing....Think of the good you could do if you jogged to every one's home on December 24th and just left some fruit?" It wasn't all bitter though, the federal government suggested that if Saint Nick would be willing to deal, he might earn a spot on the first lady's "Let's Move" campaign once he'd shed enough weight to make a noticeable difference.   However even that incentive didn't prompt Saint Nicholas to speak.  The meeting between the US Government and Mr. Claus could be described as tense.

Not to be left out, the labor department raised multiple concerns about the labor conditions of the elves. (We've heard stories...we know they have excellent dental but what other benefits are provided?), hours and wages are rumored to be worse than Walmart.  They also requested the last ten years of accounting books. (Have you filed taxes for all revenue you receive from U.S. Sources?  What is the source of your revenue?) and the criteria for being placed on the "nice" as versus "naughty list."  

"The process seemed fairly subjective, leading to questions of fairness.  Why should rich kids get things? Their parents can buy it."  Lastly, the government official indicated that unless some of these questions are answered, the famed character who flies the skies on Christmas Eve may not be given clearance over U.S. skies.   Given that there are only 8 reindeer with flying capabilities known to exist in the world, why have these creatures not been given protective status to avoid such exploitation?"  

Finally, when all the charges were laid out, when Saint Nicholas was pressed to make a statement, he took out his pipe, lit it, blew a wreath at all of the government officials in question and said two words.  "Merry Christmas." 

Making Light of Things

With the advent of the 50 dollar light bulb, I have to wonder, what happened to the government I used to know? I suppose the inventive minds that developed million dollar toilets, three thousand dollar screws and funded studies to investigate cow flatulence were having a seriously off day. Only fifty dollars?


Surely they could have jacked the price up a little.  Fifty bucks?  That's barely more than two tickets to the movies, with popcorn and soda! 

I know! Congress should pass an illumination tax. Then, since everyone is mandated to buy the bulbs and no one wants to work/live in darkness, the money will come pouring in! Sure, we might have waivers for those government approved companies that wouldn’t be able to contribute to our political friends if their profit margins were cut by the purchase of said light bulbs, but everyone else? Everyone else who is evil enough to not only not want to buy 50 dollar light bulbs but also have the audacity not to grease the right palms of the approved politicians; they deserve to have to shell out the extra bucks.

I'm sure the math will work, the same way it does for all those businesses that didn’t get waivers for health care.  But we can run it by the CBO with numbers that will make it look just peachy keen if you like.

Given the shakiness of the recovery, the federal treasury (which wants hard cash as versus CBO fuzzy guestimates), has to presume there will be gamers who go to the black market for 60 watt specials and hoarders who haven’t been exposed on that show by Bravo that hold out against these regulations and thus cut anticipated revenue.

Not to worry, I have a solution: to ensure that 1) no one is left without a means of light, 2) carbon emissions are not increased and 3) consumption taxes are safely and efficiently collected (without the need for audits) to carry on all those necessary successful efficient beloved government programs (like all the necessary audits).



The Match Tax: On every box of matches, there will be a ten dollar tax, sort of like we have on cigarettes. After all, matches make fire and fire makes smoke and smoke is a carcinogen so it makes sense to tax this highly dangerous product for the good of the health of the nation. This tax will be for the protection of the weak, the sick and most especially the children who sometimes I’m told, use these highly flammable (even on fire) objects as part of annual celebrations and festivities where too much fat, sugar and possibly caffeine is not only consumed but willingly distributed by parents who should know better.

To deter people from considering using this method to create heat, light and warmth given the potential of its possible carbon footprint, all federally approved boxes of matches will come sealed in a bag soaked with water for your own protection.  But you can use them as needed. (Sort of like the sudafed you can buy in the aisle as versus behind the pharmacist).

All actual working matches will be registered and tracked through the ATF. A background check and training session is required. Necessary subsequent registration fees will be used to purchase carbon offset credits vis-a-vie federally approved vendors.

For those unwilling or unable to purchase working matches, we have a federally approved alternative illumination tax for using the sun. The Sunlight tax will be pro-rated based on income and cover all use for both for private and/or commerical purposes.  As it is unfair that the rich get to enjoy the sun more than those with less,the economically priviledged will also agree to use SP 1040 block to guarantee they remain as pasty, pale and languid in appearance as their non sunbathed economically strapped brethren.

As for any other possible needs for light, currently, there are negotiations between the NLB and lightning bugs of Ameria to see if they would consent to providing illumination for one to two hours a week provided they get sick leave, a dental plan and the opportunity for advancement through free classes at the local state university of their choice.   The phosphorous algea that would provide light to the east and west coast lines are said to be in a bit of a stalemate in their labor deal talks, as no one is quite certain who the leader is, as they keep dying every four seconds.

So what to do about these fifty dollar light bulbs?  Well, according to some, the end of the world comes on May 21st and with it, eternal darkness so it won’t be an issue one way or another after Saturday.
Now I don’t feel nearly so bad about not hording incandescent bulbs or for that matter, eating that Snickers bar.