Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Winter Holiday Government Recommendations

It began as a simple inquiry from the government to the gentleman who has gone by the name Santa or St. Nicholas or Santa Claus or Kris Kringle or even, Father Christmas for as long as anyone can remember.   "We want more openess and transparency in the process and to understand how this organization works."  the letter sent back in July to the Christmas palace at the North Pole.

Santa refused to comment, such that eventually, he was requested to show up at the E.P.A. to answer questions.  Other representatives from other agencies took the opportunity to also make inquiries about the fat man's annual actions. 

Amongst the most glaring concerns, the practice of giving coal: 

Owing to the desire for "cleaner energy," Santa Claus and his entire organization up in the North Pole has been notified that providing children even with "clean coal" shall be deemed an environmental hazard.  A bureaucrat at the E.P.A. who asked to remain anonymous suggested that this practice of giving lumps of compressed carbon to minors could also be considered a toxic health hazard, "The smoke emitted from the heat when these small pieces of rock would be dangerous to inhale and could cause any number of respiratory conditions, some of which are serious."   When pressed for an alternative for "bad" children, he suggested a solar mirror. 

The Department of Education weighed in on the "judgmental attitude of Santa." "The notion of bad children is a severely outdated moniker that could lead to self esteem issues for the children involved.  Bribing children to behave by providing negative reinforcement is akin to spanking.  It is not appropriate in this evolved age when we know that all behavior is neither good nor bad but merely a cry for attention that has been reinforced by the adults surrounding the child."  He also suggested Santa make use of the federal website guide to parenting. 

Additionally, the head of Christmas Inc, a.k.a. Kris Kringle was also directed to consider a more health conscious image for himself, "He should stop smoking a pipe, shed about 100 pounds and at the very least, lose the dyed fur jacket.  What message does it send...fat jolly, smoking, fur wearing....Think of the good you could do if you jogged to every one's home on December 24th and just left some fruit?" It wasn't all bitter though, the federal government suggested that if Saint Nick would be willing to deal, he might earn a spot on the first lady's "Let's Move" campaign once he'd shed enough weight to make a noticeable difference.   However even that incentive didn't prompt Saint Nicholas to speak.  The meeting between the US Government and Mr. Claus could be described as tense.

Not to be left out, the labor department raised multiple concerns about the labor conditions of the elves. (We've heard stories...we know they have excellent dental but what other benefits are provided?), hours and wages are rumored to be worse than Walmart.  They also requested the last ten years of accounting books. (Have you filed taxes for all revenue you receive from U.S. Sources?  What is the source of your revenue?) and the criteria for being placed on the "nice" as versus "naughty list."  

"The process seemed fairly subjective, leading to questions of fairness.  Why should rich kids get things? Their parents can buy it."  Lastly, the government official indicated that unless some of these questions are answered, the famed character who flies the skies on Christmas Eve may not be given clearance over U.S. skies.   Given that there are only 8 reindeer with flying capabilities known to exist in the world, why have these creatures not been given protective status to avoid such exploitation?"  

Finally, when all the charges were laid out, when Saint Nicholas was pressed to make a statement, he took out his pipe, lit it, blew a wreath at all of the government officials in question and said two words.  "Merry Christmas." 

No comments:

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!