Monday, January 9, 2017

Nerd Products You Won't Find in Stores, Which Parents Need or At Least, Think They Want

Item #1) The Screen Killer Destructo Button:  I want the equivalent of a tantalus field in my home, one push of the button, and all screens everywhere in the home shut down.  No TV, no telephones, no computers, no tablets, no kindles, nooks, xboxes, wiiU's, playstations, DS's, iphone watches, ipods, Ipads, any of it, works for the next 2-10 hours, depending upon the setting you use.

 (See StarTrek Mirror Mirror if you don't know the reference).   I also want an override, so that the children can attempt bribery if they have the will.   If I'm going to borrow technology from the evil universe, I might as well be a corruptable version of Mom in the bargain.

Item #2) A Tardis  Parenting would be infinitely easier if we could move teen A from point B back to home without making an adult do anything other than pull a switch.  We also could coordinate the schedules that approximate a question you'd find on the revised version of the S.A.T.   There's a dire need for this invention, since none of us show any signs in our parenting of the next generation of having sufficient grace to merit bi-location.  Moving through space and time is something we do all the time, it's just only in one direction.  Given the demands of modern life, we need a way to collapse the transitions.   We don't need watches that take a licking and keep on ticking, we need a way to avoid the licking altogether.

I'd be happy for the Tardis if only to create some sort of folded space so we could put all the winter clothing in it and only get out what we need when we need it. Otherwise, I've done the math without the benefit of a sonic screwdriver to check my calculations, and there are 56 things sitting on my living room floor every afternoon when all the kids get home from school.

Item #3) Whatever it is in the Star Wars Universe that gets things so clean.  You look at the Star Wars Universe, and even the grungy places, they don't have dust.  They don't have trash.  The sandmen don't leave sand everywhere.  The giant Jaba the Hut doesn't leave a snail trail of slime. The walls in the most dangerous of cafes on Tatooine don't have unsightly spots where the java burst through the door and left a door knob sized welt in the wall.  Even the blasters, (when they hit anything), do so neatly.  Light sabers cauterize the wounds they give.  Yes, even when there's a massive bar fight and Hans shot first, no one ever spills a blasted thing.   People say sorry about the mess, but I'm thinking...what mess?  You don't even know the meaning of the word.  Even the garbage center in the detention cell block, with all of its debris, didn't make Princess Leia's outfit look dingy for more than the necessary scene.

Midi-Chlorians, Now with Extra Cleaning Power!

I'm thinking maybe those midi-chlorians are the universe's equivalent of scrubbing bubbles, working hard so we won't have too.  In which case, I'd be only too happy to use the force.  

Item #4)  M.I.B.  Flashy Thing

We all have parenting moments we'd rather forget. Cleaning up throw up at two in the morning comes to mind.  So eliminating those sort of memories from my history, well, I wouldn't mind it.  My one issue, would be, how often did they find it and use it on me?  "Mom, you promised we'd go for pizza in the afternoon."  "I don't remember."  "We do!"

Maybe this is not something we should invent...with great power....comes great confusion.

Item #5) I need a catch phrase that gets everyone front and center.  Now I'm not a picky person.

I want this:
        Avengers, Assemble!

I get this:
I'm not saying I know what the product is, only that I need it. 

Item #6)  With apologizes to Saint Anthony who does a spectacular job interveining for me daily when I can't find whatever it is I forgot because of the flashy thingy, that I can't locate, I want a Harry Potter magic wand.  Not so I can go around inflicting unforgivable curses on anyone, but so I can say..."Accio mated socks." and be done with it.   If I saw that in a "As Seen on TV" store, I'd buy two even if I had to pay extra for shipping and handiling.

Magic has some practical uses which go underexplored in the Potter Universe. In addition to being able to instantly find things, who doesn't need a bag of holding which doesn't weigh you down.  I know, I have a purse, I also have a weight lifting limit.  My bigger bag of holding in real life is my car.  Most everything can be found on the floor in it, so maybe I just need to tell my kids, go to the car, say accio homework, accio lunch box, accio bookbag, scarf, left hand glove, so they can bring them into the house and drop them on the floor. 

 At which point, I'll remind them to put everything in the Tardis.   When they say, it's too much, it won't fit, I can say, "It's bigger on the inside." and threaten to push the tantalus field if they don't.  If they complain, I'll tell them, "Resistance is futile."  Like I said, if I'm going to borrow from an evil universe...I'm going to do it like a boss.  Speaking of which...

Item#6) Nanites that initiate control over other beings.  Magic wasn't sufficient to get people with the program for a parent as formidable as Molly Weasley. No.  I need the ability to get kids to obey without that pesky free will business getting in the way.

Solution?  Love?  No. That leads to the kids using the flashy thingy on me so I don't notice they didn't clean their rooms or do their homework.  No, I want order.  I want discipline.  I've shown I'm willing to entertain the dark side, but maybe I didn't go far enough.  Injecting little nanites allowed the Borg to assimilate whole cultures for generations. I just want to get them all to go to bed and turn off the lights.  I'm only slightly evil.  One nanite per kid ought to do the trick. 

This Queen knew how to get folks to bed on time with their teeth brushed!

My only worry would be, the mito-chloridians might feel underappreciated if I used basic scrubbing spells, as would the nanites that cause children to behave. There might be a full scale rebellion if there's even one rogue.   In which case, things could get messy and my best advice would be, run!  In which case, maybe it's just for the best, I don't have access to any of these things...

Maybe I need to switch genres and get a house that cleans itself, or animals that assist with household chores, and a fairy godmother who makes sure I make it everywhere on time, and properly dressed.  She would have to be more flexible on that staying up past midnight thing though...


Unknown said...

This is the greatest blog post ever.

anonymous nerd said...

Han shot first, but Greedo pulled his gun first.

Anonymous said...

A mother who likes and knows sci-fi ? The moms when I was a kid seemed less than enthused. When Star Wars Episode IV "A New Hope" came out and took the world by storm, my mother fell asleep in the theater. One of my friends said her mother prayed the Rosary.

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