If You Want the Job of Mom...

Attention children.  It has come to our attention that many of you believe you have a keener understanding of what might be necessary to raise all of your siblings safely to adulthood.  You have generously offered your opinions on dinner, discipline, homework, bedtime policies, seating arrangements, errands to be run and budgeting.  As such, I wish to let you know that all serious candidates for the position shall be given an interview to act as surrogate parent in the event I need a break.  Please fill out the following application and submit it along with a resume, signed affidavit indicating you know the position is strictly voluntary and not compensated monetarily, and waiver for all injuries, illnesses or poor academic performance resulting from limited hours for adequate rest.

1. Two children want the same cookie.  Both are snarling at the other and threatening bodily harm.  Without eating the cookie, solve the problem.  Explain your method.  ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. After resolving said issue, same two children engage in a silent war during homework.  Establish peace while ensuring all assignments are completed correctly by the correct individuals.  ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. It's bed time.  Estimate the time needed to get all under the age of 12 to be cleaned up, brushed, dressed for bed and lights out.  Bonus if you can work this magic under five hours without resorting to threats of serious parental carnage.   ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4.  There are 11 miles from the school to home.  Without resorting to the drive-thru, get all of them home without a fight.  (Hint: You can make more than one trip).  ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5. No one likes dinner.  You:
      a) make them eat it anyway.
      b) offer cold cereal until you discover, we're out of milk.
      c) make a new dinner.
      d) start bedtime routine.
      e) order pizza for yourself
      f) more than one of the above.
      g) none of the above.  Threaten all with dish duty who don't eat.

6.  There is a fight over socks. Resolve without bloodshed.

Applicants should also submit themselves to a rigorous physical test involving the carting of several large stubborn oxen up three flights of stairs, washing six cats and dressing 17 chickens in school mass uniforms in addition to loading the car with backpacks and making 7 lunches.  They should all be in the van in car seats. The test starts at 5:45 and is over at 7:50. If you've not made it to school by then with all dressed, in tow and with all necessary equipment, repeat the process each day until you do.