Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Monster Within

It is a well established but seldom discussed fact.  Babies are the only socially acceptable psychopaths. 

Having spent the last 19 years around people who for (in many cases) at least two years, bossed me around without ever speaking, I have layers of experience to back this up.  I'm certain it isn't only my genetic back ground that creates people who think the world exists for them alone, and that frankly, the world is not doing a very good job. 

This morning, the littlest Diva awoke displeased.   She cried during her private bath.  She cried getting dressed.  She cried as she slumped into her plush lamb recliner that vibrates and plays music.  She got mad when I turned off the vibrations and music even though she'd left the chair.  

Going into my bedroom to fetch shoes put her decidedly out.  She knocked on the door.  Her father opened the door.  She looked at him.  "Do you want to come in?" he asked.  She studied him in all seriousness and shook her head "No."  and shut the door in disgust.

Two minutes later there was a knock.  I opened it this time.  "Do you want to come in?" I asked.
"Mom!" she answered and grappled both my legs to make sure not only she had me, but that I couldn't possibly get away. 

This situation led to a momentary abatement of her bad mood.  But sooner or later, I had to  put her down, and this was simply not accepable.  The moment her feet touched the ground, she began that I cannot stand motif. 

I do not know how it is that she can do a three point stance on her back with her head being one of the three points, but trust me that if she is sufficiently irritated, this is her go to means of expressing it.  Cirque de Soliel might be in her future.  After a few high pitched screams while in the stance, she looked over at me and put her two middle fingers in her mouth.  It is a perfect symbol of this child's psyche.  It is how you sign "I love you." It is also how hard metal ethusiasts say "Rock on!" It feels a bit like a sign of irritation as well.  I guess it is a sort of mood ring sign, with the implications being clear based on emotional context.   She is fluent in establishing emotional context.

Her ire continued through breakfast, with my oldest son attempting to act as a substitute for me.  Generic brands work in many circumstances, like white bread, canned tomatoes and sugar based cereal.  However they should not be used if you want diet soda, frozen pizza or chocolate.  He's a great big brother but the goddess was clearly not digging this turn of events as I took care of those other people that live here.

However she has two other great loves.  Shoes and Technology.  Sensing the potential for further disruptions, he handed her two new white slippers designated for the wedding and let her sit at his computer.  Even this was not enough.  She tried me on my lap with my lap top. This too failed to satisfy.  We thought we were done for until she toddled over to the television and sat down.  Dora did what a computer, shoes, breakfast, a bath, a chair, Dad, Mom, a big brother, a bottle, a blanket and two computers could not.  She sat.  For five minutes.  I was feeling smug. The baby empress was soothed.  TV....yeah...she sat.  For three minutes.

But the big brother wanted a victory. He did not like the TV trumping him. He went to his laptop and pulled up a youtube of Mecha-King Ghidorah music.  She ran to him. She got on his lap. She stood grinning at him.  She smiled. She laughed. She danced. She clapped.  All was well.  This was her true nature.   And I was left to puzzle out the meaning of all this, for her future and mine.  Her bad mood had in effect, crossed what is lovingly referred to in television as The Gozilla Threshold. In both a emotional and literal sense, the only solution for this small rampaging toddler, is a large radioactive nuclear monster.

What I didn't realize was that this:

was her attempt to illustrate this:

The genetic nerdiness that is in my family is apparently far deeper than I imagined.   I remain profoundly disturbed.

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