Thursday, February 10, 2011

Cheat Codes to Manage Your Parents

As a mother of now ten, I've been through a lot of what one might call "classic" problems over the years. With major milestones slated at least past 2033, I'm going to have re-runs.  To save time and energy, I have compiled a few short cut tips for my offspring. Think of them as cheat codes for getting along with parents.  

For the under three set:  The better prizes come with potty training before three.  Currently on the table for  those under 36 months of age who have not yet achieved full body control of this necessary daily functionn: a dog, lessons for the activity of your choice and a car.   As an added  bonus if you act now, we'll even throw in the 17 year old as a chauffeur!

Non Sentient Non toddlers:  If you are 4 to 6, this means you:  You are not authorized under any circumstances to operate any of the following: Mom's computer, cell phone, Dad's blackberry, your brother or sisters' ipods, the microwave, dryer, oven, dishwasher, vacumn, mop, or brother's electric toothbrush.   In short, no electricity operated contraption other than turning on or off the light...note:  after bed time, do not turn on the lights.   This isn't just about the time you changed the code, updated our systems, made popcorn and set the energy saving cycle on the  washing machine to only run at two in the morning.  It's more that we've got lots of 4-6 year olds to go and we need to recover from that morning when you found the panic button on the car keys on Sunday the one time we had decided to sleep in and go to the five. 

First to Third Grade:  Memo about homework.  1) Stop complaining and get to it.  2) If you ask for my help, understand you don't get to disagree about what the directions mean.  You also forfeit all rights to debate me if I tell you that you spelled "Friend" incorrectly, or that there might be a better vocabulary word for the sentence than "Learning" when the subject is a monkey or that no matter how many times you added it up and how much you have studied, 4x7 does not equal 26 or any other number other than 28.  Math is dumb that way.  Get used to it.  

Kids Who are Non Adolescents and No I Won't Call them Tweens  4-6th grade:  No matter who got what when they were this age, (cell phone, own room, TV, computer) you aren't getting one and if you ask me again, it won't be ever.  Your bed time is your bed time and your chores are your chores.  Repeat whenever you get the urge to do comparative parentings because some one else's kid has what appears to be a sweeter life.   (I happen to know they make their son eat salmon and cauliflower on Fridays and that he is forced to make his bed every day....he'd give up a lot for Guaranteed Tuesday waffle night).  

Adolescents:  This is a temporary stage.  Remain calm.  No one has as of yet discovered a way to reverse aging, so you can take great comfort in knowing once you get past 13,no matter how long you live, it is never coming back. 

All Ages:  We are your biggest fans, greatest allies and staunch defenders.  We'll always tell you what we think. We'll always try to give you beauty and truth.  We'll try not to embarrass you too much by holding hands in public or cheering too loud but know that like you, we're going to mess up.  Understand that there are no expert parents, only experienced parents. And experienced parents know three things: 1) we don't know everything  2) what we do know, is often ignored and  3)'ll keep that one until you're older...(keep a bit of mystery for them to chew on).   

Finally: All we desire is to help you become the luminous joyful glorious souls we've always known you were, and to walk with you whenever suffering is something which must be faced. You've had our hearts from the moment we knew there was a you.


Sue said...

Love. It will be cool for your kiddies to read this as they grow up:-).

MightyMom said...

totally frameable!!

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