The Expert is In

I admit, as a child I identified with Lucy Van Pelt far more than one ought.  I understood her need to occasionally just be crabby and bossy to her younger brother.  Those cartoon hits "POW" were emotionally satisfying.  My younger brother can testify to this reality as well.  Lucy was many things, but always passionate about her own opinion, the Cartoon Patroness of bloggers so to speak. Theoretically, I've matured since then but there are moments when I backslide.

My current stash of knowledge and expertise generated from 44 years on this earth, a Master's plus and independent study seems absent some sort of creative campaign with bells and whistles, insufficient to lure my offspring into 1) seeking my counsel 2) sticking around long enough for me to say something and 3) following through.  

For example:

Yesterday, my eight year old came to me and said, "My stomach hurts."  I looked her over, suggested putting on some less restrictive sweatpants and maybe lying down.   Five minutes later, she complained again, but her attire indicated no adjustments had been made.  I gave the same advice.  She then marched over to the TV, sat down and said, "It feels better now" only to then dramatically groan when her sister came to sit down and explain, "My stomach hurts." all over again.   

Two weeks ago when school let out, I asked everyone to clean out their backpacks of all food, paper and stuff on the first day home.  I explained why.   I called everyone to the kitchen with a trash can at the ready.   Yesterday, if penicillin still needed to be discovered, I would have been in business.  

When I spent three weeks organizing people's drawers, I created a system.  I briefed each child on the system to make sorting and putting away clothing a breeze.  Let us just say, a tornado ripped through the system and we are starting over.   

So I have to acknowledge that Mom's counsel however sage --brush your teeth, study in advance, practice practice practice, lay out your clothes the night before, write it down, make a list, set your alarm...gets lost before it ever graces the eardrums and I need a new medium for conveying all that it is my obligation to impart.    I am thinking of hanging up a sign over my door, "The Expert is IN" as a means of gaining street cred with my children. 

Alas, Lucy's approach of saying, "You Blockhead.  Five cents please." won't assist in this matter however cathartic it might seem to feel in the moment anymore than the recriminations, "Did you study? practice? plan? Call? Think? Clean?  Look? Try?  Remember?"    

Somewhere in the morphing from child to adult, from adult to Mom, I became Charlie Brown and now spend my days believing I can kick that football if only I try once more.  Except I'm tired of running and falling on my back and saying, "AUUGHH."

I miss being Lucy.   So I'm hanging up a sign.  "Homework Help  5 Cents."  with an IN and an OUT sign.  Novelty will get me at least a dime's worth of their time, which is more than I can muster now with cookies and milk.   If nothing else, when they don't listen, I can charge more and explain, "You get what you pay for."