Satire Can't Beat Real News

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/06/crucifixion-church-vicar-sculpture-copnall

This is real...

"A statue of the crucifixion has been taken down from its perch on a church in Sussex because it was scaring local children and deterring worshippers, a vicar admitted today.

The Rev Ewen Souter, the vicar at St John's Church in Horsham, West Sussex, ordered the removal of the 10-foot sculpture of Jesus on the cross just before Christmas, branding it "unsuitable" and "a horrifying depiction of pain and suffering".


The 10ft resin sculpture, by Edward Bainbridge Copnall, a former president of the Royal Society of British Sculptors, will be replaced by a more "uplifting" stainless steel cross – to the dismay of more traditional parishioners.

Souter, formerly a cell biologist, said: "The crucifix expressed suffering, torment, pain and anguish. It was a scary image, particularly for children. Parents didn't want to walk past it with their kids, because they found it so horrifying.

"It wasn't a suitable image for the outside of a church wanting to welcome worshippers. In fact, it was a real put-off.

"We're all about hope, encouragement and the joy of the Christian faith. We want to communicate good news, not bad news, so we need a more uplifting and inspiring symbol than execution on a cross."

The Vicar declined to answer whether or not the rumors were true that he had also substituted Coca-cola for the wine and Chips Ahoy! for the bread. "If we do make any changes, you can be sure they'll be heart healthy and take into consideration the need to fight obesity and diabetes." He did let slip that there were some concerns about promoting alcoholism with the use of wine, and that a search was underway for substitute words in the concecration part of the service, as body and blood were deemed too graphic for the general public.

"We've put in a new rock fountain that is so much more soothing than our old basin baptismal font. We're really trying to modernize. We've got to make the church accessible to more people and you don't do that by pointing out such downers as sin."

When it was pointed out that many parishoners object to the change, the Vicar gave a pained and patient look. "It's for the children."

I for one, am filled with hope.