The Congressional Health Care Plan

Congress has one of the best insurance programs in place in the world...for itself. Part of the reason they haven't voted to create this gold plated benefit for the rest of the nation, is there are a few procedures which are only necessary if one wishes to be a member of the House or Senate.

Here are a few of the special operations available to your elected Representatives via their health care program.

Selective Memory Enhancement:The Selective Memory Enhancement (SME) is required for all members of Congress by both parties. A single microchip is inserted in the brain with a perpetual bio feedback loop. To ensure fairness, the mantra is the same regardless of party: "All things done by my opponent are morally bad, intentionally evil and stupid. All things done by me or my party even if they were the same things, exponentially worse or just plain sick, are pure good and even beneficial for the whole world!"

Preventative Quarantines: While Flu shots and H1N1 vaccinations are in short supply, Fox News Inoculations are still available! See the White House for more details.

Spine Removal: mandatory for any Republicans wanting to be cloaked in the political cover of "Moderate" and obligatory if one wants to be considered one of the "good" Catholics in the legislative body by the mainstream media or appear on CNN or MSNBC.

Common Sense Bypass: Like the microchip, the CSB remains a necessary procedure for all incoming Freshman to either body of the legislative branch if one is to digest any of the pending legislation, rules of engagement or sit on the ethics committee. Also useful for television appearances.

A reversal of this procedure, the C.B.S. is still available upon request but only after one leaves Congress and is considered an "Out of Network" procedure. Deductibles apply.

Supplemental Gall Bladder and Kidney: These days this surgery is required for Democrats so they can lecture the American people on fiscal frugality and for processing the additional Kool-ade provided by the Executive branch. Used to be mandatory for Republicans. Because it takes a lot of gaul to spend 1.6 Trillion dollars in 9 months, and believing it's deficit neutral takes an awful lot of Kool-ade. (The microchip has its limits but R&D is working on that).

Over corrective Bias Contacts: Any member of Congress can chose the degree to which they wish to enhance their spectral analysis of reality by selecting from the:

1)Olberman special: Bush and all Republicans are worse than anything
2)the Rush Limbaugh Perspective: Obama is a Socialist and all Dems are liars.

They can also chose the color, Rose Colored or Seeing Red.

Shame-Wow!: Daily oral medication to remove all sense of any embarrassment at anything for any reason except when cloaked in righteous indignation is recommended along with a daily vitamin. The pill ensures that for 24 hours, one can say anything anywhere about anyone without feeling the slightest chagrin unless the party decides you should. It is particularly effective if washed down with alcohol (which masks the effects).

Note: In an effort to show some sense of fiscal restraint, the insurance policy has changed! Congressional Personal Space Bubbles designed to shield you from the meanies and opponents and general public shall no longer be provided gratis, see your health provider to apply.

Cold and Flu Season

It's February.

To avoid getting what everyone is coughing up, (which naturally, being Mom, I tend to stoop to catch), I have determined a few coping devices for the primary caregiver to all minors with unhealthy germs to share.

10) Burn all clothing after wear. Given that this will reduce your laundry load, it might be a more permanent solution to the issues of children not putting away clothing or dropping their dirties in a laundry basket. However, the HOA and EPA might object.

9) Declare a sick week and require all healthy kids to hang out with the sickies until everyone gets it so it's all over at once. Post a large guard dog outside the room to ensure no one sneaks out. Slip food, reading materials and parental judgments about fights that occur within, under the door.

8) Go into Deep Denial.

7) Even though the weather isn't good, pitch a tent outside. Sleep there.

6) Consider applying for "Wife Swap," provided it's this week.

5) Budget Buster: Call in painters and re-carpet. It's easier than cleaning all the places they've touched.

4) Call Congress to determine if water boarding one's self with Listerine is considered a violation of human rights.

3) Show up at the Pediatricians' with everyone and beg for a gallon sized bottle of amoxicillin.

2) Go into Deeper Denial.

1) Hang a sign on the door. Quarantined. Hope by March, you get to peek outside to see your shadow.

P.S. No one is actually sick right now; this was inspired by a friend whose daughter has been very ill. She needed a laugh.It's February.

So kids get sick.