The Congressional Health Care Plan

Congress has one of the best insurance programs in place in the world...for itself. Part of the reason they haven't voted to create this gold plated benefit for the rest of the nation, is there are a few procedures which are only necessary if one wishes to be a member of the House or Senate.

Here are a few of the special operations available to your elected Representatives via their health care program.

Selective Memory Enhancement:The Selective Memory Enhancement (SME) is required for all members of Congress by both parties. A single microchip is inserted in the brain with a perpetual bio feedback loop. To ensure fairness, the mantra is the same regardless of party: "All things done by my opponent are morally bad, intentionally evil and stupid. All things done by me or my party even if they were the same things, exponentially worse or just plain sick, are pure good and even beneficial for the whole world!"

Preventative Quarantines: While Flu shots and H1N1 vaccinations are in short supply, Fox News Inoculations are still available! See the White House for more details.

Spine Removal: mandatory for any Republicans wanting to be cloaked in the political cover of "Moderate" and obligatory if one wants to be considered one of the "good" Catholics in the legislative body by the mainstream media or appear on CNN or MSNBC.

Common Sense Bypass: Like the microchip, the CSB remains a necessary procedure for all incoming Freshman to either body of the legislative branch if one is to digest any of the pending legislation, rules of engagement or sit on the ethics committee. Also useful for television appearances.

A reversal of this procedure, the C.B.S. is still available upon request but only after one leaves Congress and is considered an "Out of Network" procedure. Deductibles apply.

Supplemental Gall Bladder and Kidney: These days this surgery is required for Democrats so they can lecture the American people on fiscal frugality and for processing the additional Kool-ade provided by the Executive branch. Used to be mandatory for Republicans. Because it takes a lot of gaul to spend 1.6 Trillion dollars in 9 months, and believing it's deficit neutral takes an awful lot of Kool-ade. (The microchip has its limits but R&D is working on that).

Over corrective Bias Contacts: Any member of Congress can chose the degree to which they wish to enhance their spectral analysis of reality by selecting from the:

1)Olberman special: Bush and all Republicans are worse than anything
2)the Rush Limbaugh Perspective: Obama is a Socialist and all Dems are liars.

They can also chose the color, Rose Colored or Seeing Red.

Shame-Wow!: Daily oral medication to remove all sense of any embarrassment at anything for any reason except when cloaked in righteous indignation is recommended along with a daily vitamin. The pill ensures that for 24 hours, one can say anything anywhere about anyone without feeling the slightest chagrin unless the party decides you should. It is particularly effective if washed down with alcohol (which masks the effects).

Note: In an effort to show some sense of fiscal restraint, the insurance policy has changed! Congressional Personal Space Bubbles designed to shield you from the meanies and opponents and general public shall no longer be provided gratis, see your health provider to apply.

President Wikipedia

In blogging, you never know what will resonate, but you keep throwing things out there, hoping that something will catch people's attention and tickle their hearts or move them. Sometimes, you lavish time over a piece, crafting it to your own perception of perfection. No hits. No interest. In blogging as in life, you can pitch what you perceive as a perfect game and still lose. But once one attains viral attention, it's hard to lose that hold on the public. Perception trumps reality.

And so it is, that we can have amazing deficit spending, high unemployment, stagnant house sales, declining 401k's, lost jobs, lost opportunities, and homes that are underwater, owing more than the mortgage demands, but according to the editor of Newsweek, the President is sort of God.

We've seen Brian Williams bowing to the Commander in Chief. We've heard about tinglies in the leg. We've seen women faint and men gasp with shock and awe at his presence. He's historic; he's beyond Jefferson, JFK, Martin Luther King, Lincoln and the Roosevelt’s historic. And yet, everything that was before him is prequel. We shall have the P.B.O. (Pre-you know who) era, with the new chronology beginning with 2009.

He's the first athiest president, and the most religious but ecumenical, understanding nuance in a way that men who confine themselves to one practice of faith Can't be.

He's metro-sexual, he takes off his shirt when he swims and has a date night. He's hot. He's cool. He's like jazz that everyone likes and knows, but that isn't so overly familiar as to be pedestrian. He can spend more money than we ever have before, percentage wise or absolutely, and then preach that we must become more fiscally responsible. What can't this man say or do?

He can preach at Notre Dame and the University of Cairo. He can claim we're not a nation of Christians and be understood to mean we're bigger than just one orientation of faith, and we're a nation of Muslims and be known to be talking to a specific audience about the lack of citation of the gifts and contributions of Islam.

Pointing out any over glossing or exaggeration about anything historical or factual is just pettiness, partisan or envy. You shouldn't do that you know; it's not good for you.

And so we waft along sipping our overpriced Grande Starbucks coffee, knowing we can't afford it, enjoying how cool we look for having it, and fiercely resisting and resenting any attempt to point out, "It's just coffee in a paper cup."

Because we have our President, our emotional teleprompter, who shall tell us when to get up and when to sleep, how much to work and what to eat, what to drive, how much we should earn and how we should live, so that one day, maybe, we might ...well wait a minute..He’s never said what the reward was for doing all this stuff.

Think maybe we should ask?

Billions and Billions but Who's Counting?

Remember when the statement, “Trust me, I’m from the Government.” Was an ironic and funny line and everyone knew it?

President Barrack Obama said “Criticisms of my plan echo the failed theories that led us into this crisis –theories that Americans rejected in November.” So now, objecting to a 900 Billion dollar pork fest that even some of his own party are feeling a bit queasy about is tantamount to treason. After all, he won. The president’s editorial in the Washington Post and blitzkrieg interviewing on the airways give new meaning to the term, “Bully Pulpit.” Agree or see your country go down in flames. Agree and agree fast or you’re responsible for the end of prosperity as we’ve known it.

There are people who criticize Democratic and Republican actions reflexively because they are political animals. There are hacks. There are partisans and there are those whose livelihood depends upon making whoever is the biggest target, the source of all ill. But the attacks on the stimulus plan have been substantive, not personal. Without being partisan, it is fair to say Mr. President, this is a bad bill. It’s huge. It’s beyond anything we’ve ever done before. It’s full of programs and policies and projects that smell to high heaven and have little if anything to do with stimulus.

Economists, friends and enemies have said so via editorials, commentary, and thoughtful analysis. I’m not sure how big it is now, as the number keeps growing exponentially by the moment, but I do know, just because there’s something in it for everyone, doesn’t make it a good policy or a good economic plan. There are no checks and balances for determining if a job has been saved or created. There is no money to pay for it except by extending debt. We will have those chickens come home to roost for our children and grand children, if not ourselves. The idea that people cannot examine, critique or reject this bill without dire consequences to our country is ludicrous. The idea that there is nothing in this bill which has not been as carefully vetted as your cabinet picks and thus should pass without delay is equally silly.

It’s clear we have an economic problem and it’s clear we need to do something to address it. What is unclear is how spending 900+billion we don’t have, will secure our future.

The general themes of the President’s campaign and of his selection of cabinet appointees and this bill are all the same. “We’re the only ones. This is our only chance. This is the only guy who can fix it.” Forgive me Mr. President, but you are not Obi Ben Kenobi and this bill locked in S.A. 98 H.R. 1 (The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009) is not our only hope.

Products Neither Endorsed Nor Approved by the Administration

Product licensing of the image of the current popular president has become a thorny issue for the administration. How to curb abuses of the decorum of the office and the dignity of a person without diminishing public enthusiasm? In a time when people are working hard to rack their brains for ways to economize and make extra dough, punishing entrepreneurs seems counter intuitive for a bright shiny new President wanting to help get the country back on its feet.

Still, the President is the president and he has to draw the line somewhere.
The following is a list by no means comprehensive, of Obama items not approved.

5) Michelle thought the Obama Underwear was funny but thought the airbrushed sheets with his image in the Hawaiian surf were creepy. In the spirit of compromise, both were stopped.

4) There was a strong push in the spirit of bipartisanship to allow the Obama popsicles stay on the market. Those who loved Obama could shower the confection with their affection. Those who didn’t could chew the ice. However, good taste prevented the administration from going forward. The idea of an elementary school full of children eating frozen versions of the leader of the free world didn't sit well.

3) Obamuppet, the newest character on PBS, the President of Sesame Street was turned down for use in the 35 year old educational television show. Obamuppet was created with affection from beyond the grave by Frank Oz himself! This more handsome than Guy Smiley, loveable than Grover and wiser than Kermit puppet was nixed because the DNC decided that he needed a larger platform on which to work and is currently in negotiations to have the newest Frank Oz creation host his own news and commentary program to run opposite Sean Hannity.

2) Obamawine: Despite being an excellent vintage with a delicate bouquet and rich deep tannins reflecting the complex and compelling mysterious nature of the man himself, the tag line, "Drink it and what you hope, changes," made this otherwise promising product, DOA.

1) Obama Nicorrette Gum: It seemed like a natural match, and it would boost sales and thus stimulate the economy while making those who used the product healthier, thus putting less of a drain on the overtaxed health system, but the loss in tax revenue made this a non starter.

Feel free to add to the list. I just thought I'd have some fun.

Waygu Steaks for Everyone!...Except you...

To celebrate the biggest pork barrel bill ever crafted in the history of spending, even taking into account adjustments due to inflation, of course our new President would want to show that he and his family and party understand that we all have to make sacrifices. We all have to have skin in the game.

"Thus the First family feasted on Wagyu beef."

For those unfamiliar with this beefy delicacy, Wagyu beef is a Japanese creation wherein cows are fed bottled beer and massaged daily to ensure when they're slaughtered, the meat is marbled, tender and worth 100$ or more per pound.

It just seems a bit...argula type excessive. But, maybe I'm wrong, maybe he ordered the ground chuck Wagyu or the round roast cut.

Settling into his new home in DC, Obama, who hates the cold, had cranked up the thermostat in the White House. "He's from Hawaii, OK?" said his senior adviser, David Axelrod, who occupies the small but strategically located office next door to his boss. "He likes it warm. You could grow orchids in there."

And when there's work to be done outside of their address on Pennsylvania Avenue, he hops into his electric...oops...hybrid...no...no...envionmentally friendly...nope, try again....inexpensive...no...modest..."Beast" of a Cadillac that consumes more petrol than a small bus. It's all legitimate. It's for the protection of the President and that's appropriate.

After all, in these days, "We can't drive our SUV's and eat as much as we want and heat our homes to 72 degrees."

Oh...he meant WE can't.