Delusions of the Non Published Wanna-be Writer

10) I'm the next Hemingway...well, I'm more wordy than that and I tend to use ellipses...but I'm writing the next great American novel.

9) I'm going to be richer than J.K.Rowling and Stephanie Meyer put together.

8) It will be easy to find an agent. So easy, the agent will seek me out rather than the other way around.

7) Edits? What edits? The editor will understand my prose is an intentional choice of style and not the result of sloppy writing mistakes of craft.

6) Oprah will love my book. She'll restart her book of the month club just for me.

5) The book tour will be financed by the publisher and include my whole family on one of those very cool million dollar Canadian buses.  The kids will love seeing the country. We'll eat well.  It will garner a lot of great press and buzz.

4) The New York Times will love my book. They will say nice things about me, my books, my style and my dog if I had a dog, because they love the book. 

3) My book will be a movie and it will be nominated for best adapted screen play and I will go to the Academy awards ceremony and get my picture taken with Oprah, George Clooney and any other stars that stop me and say, "Can you autograph my book? I love it and have read it over and over again."  I will have writer's cramp by the end of the evening because I've signed my name so much.  I will start signing books S.A. to deal with the pain but be true to the fans.

2) A prestigious university, (its English department weeping with joy), will offer me a position teaching writing and a course just on my book alone, which I will accept.  They will also give me an honorary Ph.D. because of the book.

1) It should only take about a month or two to write.

Writer of the not yet finished book and this blog note: Yeah.  I'm setting a time of 5:00 a.m. every day to work an hour on the Beast that is Helen.  Did my time yesterday and today.  Decided to have an indulgent moment of non billable writing and this is the result. 

The Should Expert

Because I belong to two writers' groups, there is always talk about how to get one's self noticed and what we should do. The experts claim that use of the internet to convey and create publicity is a necessity in the modern publishing world. Viral videos, greater circulation, we need to create an audience hungry for us. We should do this.

So I thought about it.
I probably should facebook more.
I probably should tweet.
I know I don't Digg and I don't Youtube.

Then I started thinking about all the "shoulds" that I have on my list.
I probably should read all the books my high school Senior English teacher assigned.
I should eat less fat and exercise more.
I should probably ballance my check book, put away my credit cards and learn not to impulsively stop through the drive thru of Chick Filet for a cookies and cream milk shake on days when the temperature soars above 90.

There are so many things on my list of shoulds....

I should weed the front yard that is checkered with dandelions.
I should have preread the Twilight series before my daughter got her hands on it.
I should know the names of all of the kids in each of my kids classes but I don't.
I should bake cup cakes for the treat sale this Thursday, but I'll probably punt and get Krispy Cremes.
I should volunteer more and shout less.
I should probably buy a converter box or get cable.
I should probably update my phone.
I should spend time counting my blessings instead of patrolling the house for dust bunnies, trash and laundry that has had time to grow crunchy.
I should write real letters instead of email, and I should talk to my two brothers and one sister on a weekly basis, not just when something happens like a car accident, a baby born or a job change.

I should fish.
I should sleep more.
I should know how to sew.
I should know how to can food and make jam.

I should read every day to my kids for 20 minute a day, but that comes out to three hours and that eliminates time I should be spending doing my hour of exercise, recycling, managing our money, staying informed about what is going on in the world and weeding the garden so I can smell the roses.

There are fifteen loads of laundry needing to be folded, 11 already in baskets and eight waiting because of the dryer fiasco of last week. I should defrost the chicken now so I can make dinner easy tonight. I should take a multi-vitamin. I should schedule a physical, two dental appointments, one audiologist, one opthmologist and one endedontist. I should also floss.

But back to writing.
I should write every day. I should edit every day. I should read/research every day and submit every day.

I should have DSL. I should own a blackberry.

I should bend the laws of space and time to get one son to his baseball game ontime and then get to a seperate field in a seperate town ten miles away to drop off my daughter. Then I get to ping pong back and forth until both games are over, while picking up my son from Metro because he has late band practice this evening and thus can't take the bus home.

So what am I doing? I'm sipping a diet coke, blogging and coloring with my kids. They have brown/blue/orange/green on their arms. It's great.

You should do this. Trust me, I'm an Expert.

How to Stay Unpublished for Life

10) Avoid reading submission guidelines whenever possible, they take away valuable time from writing, which as we all know, is a craft worthy of pure devotion. Submit using the spaghetti approach. Your stuff is so gold, only idiots would not recognize the opportunity being presented.

9) Publically deride any newspaper or magazine that has rejected your latest offering. Send out a spam explaining your personal vitriol in this circumstance; be sure to link the publication to your blog and sig line in the email to guarantee they get the message.

8) Use clichés and metaphors like salt on popcorn. Write peevish emails to any editor that would dare alter or adjust your deathless prose. Reject their acceptance if they refuse to acquiesce.

7) Submit the same article to at least sixteen publications at once, cc the others in a group email to save time.

6) Resend the same articles to the same magazines using the theory of publication via erosion of editorial will.

5) Write a screed damning everything including young puppies. Make sure it is at least 5000 words long and hand written. Send with insufficient postage but with a personal post-it to the editor using his or her real name and possibly a term of affection.

4) Phone the editors on the hour to ask, “Have you read my piece yet?”

3) Phone them at home.

2) Repeat the process with potential agents. Consider moving into a tent at the park near his or her home. If anyone asks, explain you are doing “research” for a character or engaged in a civil protest. For added mystery, never give the same cause twice.

1) When receiving a rejection via email or letter, throw your computer or notepad or both into the trash, dump motor oil over the entire mess and set it aflame. Repeat as often as necessary while screaming and pulling out all hair, including one’s eyebrows, “I’m never writing again!” Continue until broke, the EPA arrests you, or becoming hirsute free.

For Experienced Non Published Writing Professional Hacks Only...
**Write a journal detailing how the world never understood your secret genius. Leave obvious clues in your will to allow relatives to eventually find this hidden opus. Be sure and tuck a few George Washingtons in the pages to reward them for their trouble.