Move!

Yesterday, I mentioned moving day.  Today, I'm thinking about moving but in a different way. 

So I started Lent, I've already messed up every day, and yet, that's the purpose of Lent, to be reminded every day of how much we pretend we don't need saving, how much we deny, we need saving.  The best Lents aren't when we adhere to whatever our Lenten promise is perfectly, but when we are perfected by the trial of seeking to adhere to it in the first place.  

What we do matters, and yet like receiving, how and why we do it matters too.   The matter of our sacrifice matters.  That's why sacarments have an unbearably physical element to them, an undenyable physical reality.  

It's the everyday progress, that comes with acknowledging how much we regress, that makes for true humility --can't do this without grace, not even for a second.   It's the everyday little surrenders that make up whole splinters of a cross that over a lifetime, is the whole cross. The nails of our life are those big moments, where we were given the opportunity to say yes or no to Christ, and the crown we weave, is of all the times we've managed to cooperate with grace and the world hated us for it, and our keen awareness of all the times we failed to love those around us --all the moments we could have cooperated with grace and did not.  We get to offer all our failures to Christ, along with a humble, "I am sorry, I am nothing but a poor ungrateful servant.  Here I am Lord, do with me what you will."   

This past week, many in my family were reminded of what most of us take for granted, heat, power, water and food.   This week, many in our nation were reminded, our world is much more fragile than nature, and this past twelve months, our nature, much more fragile than we believe.   

We are always practicing Catholics, even when our practice sounds terrible, even when we screw up, especially when we don't recognize we're screwing up.  God knows this, God tells us over and over again, He knows this.  He compares us to sheep.  That's not flattering. It is however, a reality.  

This week, I sat thinking about spiritual practice and discpline being like weight loss --the most success is when we stop looking at the problem as something to be solved, and instead embrace it as a way to live.   The same is true for spiritual exercise.   When it is part of breathing, we are closer to "doing it well" because we aren't doing something to check off a box, but as part of an ever on going progression.   

Editing, parenting, writing, exercise, prayer, all of these things are the cumulative consequence of a regular constant willingness to do and do again and be willing to do poorly but do every day.   

So with that in mind, I'm going to go edit my book and go for a short exercise...if only to start.   
Because all of these habits require first, foremost and always, my cooperation, and none of these will happen if I do not will to do them.   That includes Lent.  

The desert everywhere is calling.  Inviting us to will to go into it.   Lent is the time to be willing to move.   

Moving Day is Coming

 It's been in the works for a while now, but Chocolate For Your Brain! is moving to Patheos.   

I'll let you know when exactly, but all of these posts will migrate there once it's up and running.  Back in September, I'd been considered.  Now, after a few months of trying to figure out what to do, or how to do it, the hour approaches.   

Why am I doing this?  

Well, first, to get myself back in the writing spirit, where five hundred words doesn't feel like a push.  Second, to become part of a community of writers again, which would in turn spark my own brain to jog around the park.  Covid-19 makes everything laggy and saggy, including humor and a joyful witness...so I'm packing up and joining Patheos --a faith based website with multiple channels including one labeled, Catholic.   I think I qualify.    

What's been going on lately? 

Well, I've been teaching, I've been fretting about all my family in Texas, and it's very icy here and the snow blower decided it was too much work to clear our driveway so it quit on the maiden voyage, leaving all of us with our backs to take care of the rest.   

What really gets me is all that work doesn't amount to much of a calorie burn, only a sore back.   

In the meantime, I'm doing Lent...it's awkward like most Lents, where the recognition, you've already messed up tends to tempt one to not simply start over again.   But I'm trying...and I'm going to go on trying.   

What else are you doing?  I'm supposed to be editing.  I've found I can get the bills paid, organize lesson plans, fold clothes and do dishes and will, before I start tackling that stack...but I need to...so I paid a visit to Barnes and Noble today, to remind myself of the goal.   When I see all the stacks of books, it's  a reminder of all those who managed to see it through to the end.   It makes me wonder how many others have a stack like mine.  

It also makes me want to either a) declare a it's my week, hole up in the computer room and tell everyone to bring me food and remind me to shower until it's done  or b) cry and panic and put it off some more or c) beg everyone to remind me to edit every day until it's done.   I know, it should be c).   
I just stress ate the last of my emergency chocolate thinking about editing.   Now I really don't have any excuses.   

I'm thinking of exercising...that really tells you how much I don't want to edit.    
However I know, the only way it gets better is if I look at it.  It's like a swimsuit I don't want to put on, because I know how it's going to look.      

Moving day is coming.  In the meantime, I'll be over here, editing and trying not to cry at the reality, I should have hit the gym a long time ago, both literally and figuratively with this manuscript.  

My Poor Dusty Blog

 I have about fifteen drafts from this week, because this week, like the many weeks before it, despite the absence of outside errands, has been packed.   I figure, it's only fair to give an update.   

1) What am I writing?  Well, I'm writing poems, I'm editing my book. I've thrashed at words but they're repetitive or just don't get where they need to go or they sound too stressed and I don't want to worry my mom.    

2) What am I reading?  Well I'm glad you asked, though you didn't.  We're reading Harry Potter's Order of the Phoenix with my youngest, The Book of Three with Paul --he's into it, and others keep hovering around not really listening you understand, but nearby.  I'm trying to get my next two to listen to A Horse and His Boy.  I'm going to keep trying.  I've also started Our Mutual Friend with my son John...and I'm hoping that one catches more of them too.   

3) Are you Exercising...three times this week I did...then it rained...and I've discovered an inverse theorem...if I dress to exercise, I don't.    

4) Are you praying?   Every day I drop off for school, I drop by the outside adoration chapel near my home for at least five minutes.  So yes.   

5) What else are you doing?  Teaching.  Managing the house...everyone's home now.   I'm also helping to organize a conference for January for writers ---so that counts.   

6) I haven't seen any links lately ...why is that?  Sometimes, you get dry spells.   This is one of them. I'm submitting, sometimes three pieces in a week...but they're getting what I'd call dead cat bounces.  Not to worry, I have a lot more to throw at them.   Visualizing me throwing cats at the editors...it's helpful.  

7) Will you ever be funny again...as a blog?   ---wait, I wasn't?   

Today, I'm at Aleteia

The goal for this year was to hit six pieces a month.  Last month fell short, and this month started slow.   However, today, I have a piece over at Aleteia.

I called it, "One Thousand Second Days" but that seems obscure if you don't already know what the piece is about so it's titled, "Seven Spiritual Lessons to Learn With Your Sneakers On.

For those interested, I've been working out with since July 4th, with twelve days where I didn't meet or exceed my step goal.   So of the thirty-five days since I started this thing, I made a solid effort on twenty-three of the days, with my longest streak of strong effort being 13 days long. Now on day 7 of my next string (hopefully) of two weeks of effort. 

P.S. If you share the piece, you can enter in a pilgrimage.  It also helps me so...thanks!

Small Success Thursday

Hey, I'm posting on Thursday...about Small Success Thursday.   As a bonus, I can report this is day seven of willingly submitting myself, or submitting my will, to exercise. Running Downhill.

Life in the Fast Lane...nope. I'm More Take it Easy...

Yesterday, my girls ran a 5k.   I would say, I walked one.  

Any exercise is good true.  Revealing to your 9 year old, you cannot keep up?  Not so much.

Driving to the race, it's raining. It's cold.  I can't think of anything I would rather not do than run a 5k when it's raining and cold on a Sunday morning. Oh yes. Wait. I know, I would rather not run a 10k even more.  

So naturally, we're all signed up for June 11 for a 5k.

My track star son has openly boasted, he can beat us all running a 10k with us running a 5.  Personally, I suspect, he could beat me running a 5k if he were running a marathon.  The kid's mile time is four minutes fifty-three seconds.  His two mile time is ten minutes thirty-two seconds.  I know for a fact, a 5k takes me 45 minutes, sometimes 40 if I push (and that's on the elliptical).   In real life on real pavement, it's a solid 50 minutes minimum.

Still, his siblings and dad think we can take him.  I know better.  This is a dumb bet.  

Everyone in the 5K has to beat Peter for us to win,

Maybe if I wear roller blades.

I have a piece over at Aleteia today.

Prayer life, like Exercise, is something you will.

Priorities....

No one is so efficient as the person who would get work done if only.  Today, I sit thinking how clean the house would be if even one of my three vacuum cleaners were working, but there's a broom and it sits in the closet next to the dust pan saying, "Hello?"  Have I fished them out and begun sweeping? What are you crazy?

Yesterday I lamented about not being able to write as I don't have a laptop.  My notepad and pencil whispered, "Ahem."  Did I begin scribbling away, crafting today's piece for your amusement?  Hey kids, let's watch Penguins!   I watched Penguins.   My kids and I even critiqued it, they noted the plot holes, and how much better it could have been.  "They needed better writers Mom."  The notepad is trying to leap off the desk at me.

However, I've discovered, even with the tools, I don't get going.  I have a paper shredder I've never assembled, and a cooler full of old bills and the like that need to be eliminated.   I have a new swifter mop I've not taken out of the box and a photo shadow box with 20 slots in it, that need pictures.  The stacks of not done feel monumental.  I have books that need reading and reviewing, editing and actual writing, paper work that needs filing, dishes that need to be unloaded, a sink that needs cleaning, clothes folding, a child to be played with today in the morning and what am I doing? 

Blogging.  

 

Why?  I'd love to say the fault is in my stars, but it's in the stars in my eyes, always taking on more, never finishing what I start without the need for if not cheerleaders, coaches to push me past my comfort zone.  

While discussing the stalled project of Penelope, I recognized I don't even put the treadmill past 3.5 because then I'm not comfortable.  Working out, like writing, like trying to live out a good Lent, involves going where we're not comfortable, going to the dusty untidy corners and pushing ourselves through that resistance.   What I've discovered is, in projects and my fitness and faith, I'm soft in the middle but full of strong promise.

So I'm signing off to go take care of 1) paper work, 2) dropping of the vacuum cleaners and 3) go work out.  I'll put the treadmill to at least 3.6.   God willing, and me willing with God, all that needs to be done today, will be.   

Progress Report...

For 2015, I resolved to get in shape.  You can read about my adventures at the gym over at Eat Sleep Write!

P.S. Mom, I promise, I didn't really eat that for breakfast.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. So what did you learn on your week off?

I need to write. It helps me to deal with everything.  It also keeps my family and friends in the loop. It also helps me to keep my sense of humor.  The biggest problem with this blog business is I merged all of my types of writing to one format.  Humor, spiritual, book writing, on writing, politics, personal. The blog lost its focus over years and I let it, because it was the need to write more than the need to create a particular product.   However, having taken the week off, I found my funny bone again.  I'm not scrapping this blog, I think it is part of what makes sure I write, having an audience, having a place to place memories and material.

2.  What does this mean, are you taking another week off?

No.  I'm here. I intend to keep writing, but I've placed Small Success Thursday back over at Catholicmom.com where it belongs, I'll just link to it on Thursday.  I'm going to start submitting pieces to places that publish again --the Catholic Standard and the Catholic Digest and Catholic Stand, National Catholic Register, and I'm going to keep this place, a source of mirth on the internet.   I'm still writing Penelope, she's now at 32,600+words.

3. What are you reading?    Well, I just finished Rock Bottom Blessings, a beautiful life story about a woman and her husband and their growth as people and as a married couple as they faced the pain of infertility and the hardness of trying to adopt.  It was very enjoyable read.  Now I have three books on the side of my night stand, first is We Followed Odysseus --actual people who traced and visited every place Odysseus went as far as they could tell based on maps, currents, references, etc.  Should be fun, the second is 50 Major Plots, which I'm half through and starting to get bored with, but think it is probably important to finish, and the third is on my PC kindle, How To Defend the Faith Without Raising Your Voice. Just started so I'm still in the introduction.  Also received a nice email from Bettany Hughes, I wrote her about how her book Helen of Troy was instrumental in research for The Book of Helen.  She wrote back. Very cool.

4.  What are you doing?  Trying out the I can do anything for 15 minutes. I'm a believer.  If I set the timer, the house can be in tolerable shape in 45 minutes (15 per floor) and I don't hate life.   We're also trying (my daughter and I) the -5 rule.  I have a pile of 5 things to get rid of, today I will add 5 more.  She is too. We're both packrats of the wrong kind, so this is helpful. We've decided to do this for 30 days and see how things look at the end.  Where'd I get these two ideas?  Flylady and Real Simple.

5.  Exercising?  I'd say no, but my personal trainer pointed out what I said in #4 so I'm now putting down 15 minutes, and now because of #4, I've eliminated my excuse so yesterday I did 40 push ups.   (During commercial breaks of Dr. Who).

6.  What else is going on?   We're taking our second oldest to look at colleges.  Should have done this sooner.  Will hopefully one day get on the right schedule so it is less stressful. Her brother is going to take her around UMD today.   We also have to plan a birthday party for Rita and get an airline ticket for Bonnie so she can fly out and visit college #2 first week of November.  Busy.

7.  Goals.  I'm setting them for my children. (They don't know it yet).

Oldest: Not setting a goal for him, he's doing great, loving college, loving his major, really loving student teaching.
Next oldest: Finish applications.  All of them.
Next oldest: Make Honor roll by May.
8th grader:  Begin service project, get faster at speed round mathematics.
6th grader: Keep up fitness program and -5 program.
4th grader: Add 15 minutes of studying a night during the week, and once on Sunday --any subject, just to get in the habit.
2nd Grader: Chapter Books
1st Grader: Tie shoes
5 year old: Potty Training, Big boy bed.
2 year old:  Potty Training, toddler bed.
Me: Write 5K a week on Penelope, lose 17 lbs, continue doing all the juggling.   Don't drop any of those balls.

Virtual Reality

As followers of this blog know, I now have a Wii fit. I've been asked if it's good, and to give a review.

I will say, it is fun, it has promoted exercise in my family and according to it, I've jogged in place roughly 30 miles since last week.  Given that before last week, I had not run mile one in about three years, you'ld think the pounds would be melting away.

Alas the virtual miles do not make the actual pounds disappear. I've gained two! My Wii Mii is flabby in the middle like me.  Speaking from the tiny part of me that is completely vain, I'd like a little less realistic reality in my virtual avatar. 

Then there's the Wii Mii age. The machine gives you your physical age based on a series of tests.  I've been 63, 54, 49, 33, and 25.  It's very demoralizing when your kids tell you, "Hey Mom...it says you're old and overweight.  The Wii said so." 

The Wii also says I'm running 12.6 miles in an hour. I've NEVER done that, I don't think it's physically possible given my airway issues.  So the skeptic in me has awakened.  How is it possible I'm jogging nearly the equivalent of a half a marathon a day in an hour? How is it I am morphing into Supergirl when I run in the Wii world and staying slug flabby Mii both on the screen and in real life?  Is the Wii lying to me in my activity, telling me what I want to hear in one area but not the other? If the machine is going to lie to me, I wish it would tell me I'm thinner for all these miles.

Here's what I do know...reality is always harder than virtual; rockband is easier than practicing a guitar, blogging is easier than writing for a publication, and Facebook is no substitute for time spent with friends.

Sigh...Nothing good or great or worthwhile is easy. Nothing of value does not require commitment.
I'm reminded of the quote, "Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great."--from A League of Their Own. 

Wii Fit is the exercise equivalent of diet food dessert.  It almost works, but not quite because we know what the real cheesecake tastes like.    It is real enough, I'm working out and that's a start.   I still like the Wii, but tomorrow, I'm going to try running outside and see what happens...I'll let you know how far I get in those sixty minutes outside of the Wii world.  Hopefully actual exercise in the real world will yield better results than the Wii world has.  I'll let you know.

Small Success Thursday

This week was full; twenty-seven items on the "To Do" list every day kind of full.  As such, I've instigated a new sanity rule, no lists of things to do over 20 for any given day.  That being said, these were my successes for this week at doing the right thing.

1) I read "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.  It was a fast read and I loved it and I'm very grateful to my friend Karen for giving it to me.

2) We went school shopping.  I'm still in recovery.

3) My oldest daughter started high school.

4) The Fall Festival plans are starting to come together.  One month to go.

5) After listening to my lecture about how bad habits form when we fail to establish good ones and that the hardest thing to overcome is inertia, two of my children picked up their instruments for the first time in two months.  Of course, it meant I had to exercise.  I hate it when the advice I give is then demanded of me, or rather, I don't hate it but wish sometimes I could get a pass with these guys --not a chance.   So yes, I did my 20 push ups and 20 sit ups today. 

6)  Got to the dentist.  Not a whoopie kind of thing but it was actually an appointment for me. 

7) Wrote a piece, worked on Helen, am trying to fast from the computer except for emails and writing --not because I don't want to be informed but because it's more important I be involved.  I know I've been using this machine as a shield against being more active, so I had to put the machine away.  And yes, my kids are helping with this matter.   They're very good at nagging.  I wonder where they learned it? 

Got a success, a struggle, a triumph over minutia?  Go share it over at Family and Faith Live!

It's On...Temporarily

Nothing motivates or at least chafes like envy.   My siblings have all entered a high exercise healthy phase that forces me to at least acknowledge my couch potato type existence and subsequent couch potato type form.  Hearing that one sibling is training for a Triathlon while another family member is running four miles a day and a third is into weights and cardio, I feel guilt and shame at my own bodily sloth, at least enough to do a few sit ups while watching Burn Notice or push ups during commercials.  My slug like brain reasons, "Hey, it counts."  But my hips say otherwise.

My daughter is taking karate, my other children are doing swimming lessons twice a week.  In both scenarios, I get to act as home base; the car that gets them from point a to point b on time, and central supply for towels, snacks and the hawk supervisor to ensure the long term viability of the non swimming set at the pool.  It's not that I want to be a stationary slug, but home life is usually punctuated by the domestic chores of the day and laundry no matter what you do, involves a good deal of sitting; writing requires a BIC (bottom in chair), and stopping fights requires more brains and lungs than any muscle mass.  Going outside lately has been a non breathable event with temps hovering in the low hundreds; and I honestly don't like saddling my older kids with non necessary babysitting detail.  They're my kids, not theirs; so I want them to be teens, not junior mes.  Hence, I do not say, "Watch them, I'm going to work out."

Sin always requires rationalization and my brain is certainly up to the task of explaining my physical fitness neglect.  Nagging kids to do their summer work books, read, turn off the TV, pick up their toys, go outside, clear the table, etc. etc. etc. uses up all of my iron woman discipline such that at the end of the day when they're all in bed or at least no longer requiring direct supervision, I don't have any metal will left much less energy to engage in a serious work out.  But I know that's a cop out and that if I were serious, I could work out in the morning before they get up or use exercise TV or a video and or keep a food diary to make better choices and that I simply haven't gathered enough will to make this happen. 

But I'm going to spend a week with people I love, all of whom are on a better track physically with me.  I'm hoping to be humble enough to follow their lead and take the hint rather than drag them back towards my side of the scale by poor example.  I'm hoping to gather some extra will from being around all this family that seems to have their acts together.  But I'll have to stop swallowing bad food and swallow my pride instead.  Who knew getting fit was akin to seeking to stay free from sin?

No wonder weight loss is so hard.

Small Success Thursday

. This week is First Communion for my middle daughter. So we're getting ready for Saturday. It's also the day my son takes the S.A.T. and my oldest daughter takes her high school placement test and our middle daughter has softball and the grandparents are in town so it's a full dance card.

This past week was full of heaping dollops of joy and irritants that reminded me that even with everything breaking my way, I can still find ways to fall from grace; so a peaceful, kind, gentle smooth life isn't circumstance, it's attitude. My daughter asked if she could go to reconciliation to be in the proper state for Saturday and moved by her piety and pure heart, I will join her on that journey tonight.
This past week I:
1) took my oldest daughter shopping for a confirmation dress and we found one!

2) Went on a date with my second oldest daughter to a National's game on Sunday.

3) Finished the discipline part of the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary.

4) Let my oldest drive the van for practice. I hate homework.

5) Started a new exercise routine with my 8 speaking children as the enforcers. I said it would take an army to get me exercising again and so I've just drafted one to boot camp me into shape. They're pleased with this new delegated power.

6) Wrote, edited, wrote, edited, still working on a lot of stuff.

7) Cleaned out the cubbies and found 8 scissors and five roles of tape. Put them in a bin. Put a lid on the bin. Ten minutes after I left the room; an art project ensued. There are now three pairs and one roll of tape.


Have a success? Have a story? Go to Family and Faith Live and leave your link, share your success! Manufactured triumph over minutia so sometimes the only way to cope with all of it. Being able to embrace that joyful minutia of victory even when things are imploding or not, that's grace!



 

A Brother's Wisdom

This past year, my brother Danny lost thirty pounds through (yes) diet and exercise, but also recognizing that anything done in isolation ultimately fails. We are not islands. When I remove myself from my family to write, I get writer's block almost instantaneously.  I need the interruptions to fight against in order to think. 

Likewise, my brother figured out that alone, he could not do this; so he volunteered to raise money for his high school's scholarship fund via pledges based on how much weight he lost and earned the school over 800 dollars in the process.   Talking to him yesterday, I asked for tips for those of us who like myself, have fallen off the weight band wagon and need to climb back on.   So without further adieu:


10) Set a goal.  You know this. I know this.  Make it public.  (That's the hard part).  Post it.  Proclaim it. Write it down and make sure everyone you know that loves you and can stop that Boston Creme donut from even being bought, knows.  

9) Tie your goal with something bigger than becoming smaller.  My brother did a scholarship, now he's working on running a marathon to raise funds for an Alzheimers cure.  I have a friend that does the 60 mile Susan Koemen walk.  Another family I know does the walk for MS, and my other brother does the March for Dimes every year.  My sister is in the March for Dimes this year too.  (So I'm the black sheep right now).   It helps with 1) remembering the goal 2) having a finish date and 3) bringing you another reward for hanging in there and 4) makes it communal.

8) Communal work outs work best.  In tip 9, you saw that this was a family affair for some.  By joining a group that runs, it kept Danny at it when he didn't want to.  Having a friend say, "Hey, join me at the gym?" helps, or a walking buddy and I don't mean the kids trapped and strapped in the stroller. My sister does stroller moms and having all those other ladies around to keep you going, and the smiling faces to get you started, man that helps. 

7) Don't sabotage yourself.  Shop for snacks before you start, make them all 100 cal shots and have them salty and sweet and in the closet for when you parallel eat. (I have to have this because the kids always want a snack in the afternoon and it's hard to watch others eating).  Having a lean cuisine pizza when everyone else is having pizza hut will make it less miserable to be on said diet. 

6) Prayer.  You knew I was going to say it, but ifyou are going to be fasting, you ought to reap the benefits of the double bonus.   Running for my brother is a good stress releaser, it allows him to unpack the day of teaching and to pray.

5) Don't sabotage yourself by putting it off.  We're moms. We make lists and thus things get done.  On the days we don't make lists, what happens?  For me at least, not nearly as much and man is it stressful.  Put exercise on the list. Put the time and treat it like an orthodontist appointment that will cost you 50$ if you miss it. (Why that example? Guess what happens today!)  

Bonus Hint: do early rather than later because we all know later means not ever.

4) Don't sabotage yourself by being boring.  Exercise is not easy so it darn well better be something we don't loathe.  Don't jog if you hate running.  Dance, wii yoga, swim or hit the gym but do something that you won't have to force yourself to endure (I don't spin or run....ever).  

Doing a dutiful exercise is rather like giving a kid a book to read and saying, "I loved this as a child."  Are they going to read it? NO!  So leave the book out there on top of their dresser with the casual, "I remember that book.  It was kinda cool." and leave it at that, then go put on kickboxing and pretend you're batgirl or use your exercise as an excuse to get an ipod and load it with all the tunes your kids won't let you listen to on the radio.  The kids will pick up those books if you don't act too interested in their reading them.  They they'll say, "Hey Mom, Guess what?  I read this cool book. Wait until after they glow about it before you mention you liked it then too."  When I exercise, I want the same credit as the kid,s "Hey guys, I exercised." and I want them not to deflate me too quickly by pointing out how I could have done this sooner, better or more. 

3) Food diary.  It is annoying but true.  If you write down what you eat, you'll eat less and the choices will be better.  If you record every check and pulse and charge, you spend less and spend more wisely.  Vigilance is the enemy of sloth and indifferent eating is a form of sloth towards long term health and daily  maintenance. 

2) Weigh yourself daily and record the number.  It goes with the diary.  You'll know when you've sabotaged yourself and why, you won't want to face that little stupid annoying square in your bathroom and you'll say, "I'll be extra good today so I can enjoy getting on that damn thing tomorrow." Won't happen.  Remember writing that goal down?  Post it in the bathroom near scale.  The scale is your honest friend, even when you don't want to be.  

1) Don't sabotage yourself by being unwilling to start today because you don't have everything in place.  And Don't sabotage yourself tomorrow if you didn't do as well today.  Despair of success, despair of failure, despair of not having the discipline needed, despair of all one has to do in a day, these are all enemies of any type of success, including in the arena of becoming more fit and healthy. 

So I salute my younger brother's hard work and wise words and today, I'm putting said kiddos in the stroller, grabbing my old CD player and we're going for a walk.   It will be only one mile in all probability, but it's a start. 

My goal?  144 by the family Reunion July 10th.  I'll keep you posted.   Good luck everyone.

Law and Order in the Food Court*

The following is a future conversation coming to a municipality near you.

Sitting down at the local chain establishment known for its greasy cheap abundant delicacies that have been deep fried more than once, I prepared to enter that gastronomic paradise known as fresh fried chicken. My meal was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a staff member from the chain, dressed in the red uniform, wearing secret service glasses and holding a brief case.

“You ordered the trans-fat saturated high carbohydrate and sodium basted poultry with a side of twice submerged in canola oil high starch potatoes with a whole milk sugar enhanced frozen beverage?”

“It’s on the menu, #3.” I sputtered.

“Yes Ma’am, please sign these release forms.” He said as he produced a stack of paper an inch thick and placed them in front of my meal.

“What for?”

“Exemption from liability for any current existing known or otherwise health conditions that may or may not be exacerbated by the ingestion of excessive carbohydrate and fat infused food products, resulting in but not limited to heart disease, high blood pressure, hardening of the arteries, diabetes, high cholesterol, stroke, obesity, muscle fatigue, and gout.”

I looked around for a camera or someone to shout “You’ve been punked.” But everyone else in the store was ordering, eating or simply observing. The staff of the business seemed not to notice anything.

“Is this a joke?” I started.

“No Ma’am, no joke. We here at …have started a proactive policy of targeting 10% of our customer base at random to ensure that we show due diligence in warning our patrons about the dangers of eating these particular foods which the government has deemed exceptionally hazardous to the long term well being of its citizens.”

“And I’m…”

“This noon’s recipient of the information.”

"Why me? I'm not that overweight!"

"Ma’am, if we only spoke to people who were obese, we'd be accused of physical profiling. That's against federal law."

“I see. Well, you’ve told me. Now take these forms and go away. My food’s getting cold.”

“You will not sign these release forms?”

“No! I bought the food and I’m going to eat it.”

“I see. Thank you Ma’am for your time.” He removed the first form and my drink.

“What are you doing? That’s my chocolate shake!”

“Substituting a healthy soy-based, protein enhanced sugar substitute frozen beverage, flavored with carob.” He snapped his fingers and another employee in red with sunglasses appeared with a new drink and placed it on my table.

“But I ordered a chocolate shake.”

“If you had signed the release form, it would stay Ma’am.”

“Get me the manager.”

“Certainly, sign this affidavit indicating you wanted to initiate mediation rather than accept responsibility for your poor health choices.” He pointed to the next form.

“Why?”

“It makes you responsible for all potential legal fees involved in the negotiations regarding the return of your chocolate shake.”

“Get me the manager now. I’m not signing anything.”

“Very well Ma’am, I’ll alert the management. In the meantime…” he snapped his fingers again and away went my food. The second employee in sunglasses put an apple, broiled chicken breast and salad in front of me. “Enjoy your meal Ma’am.”

“Give me back my chicken. I paid for it.” I stood up, I was mad.

“Ma’am, you may have back the entire meal on one proviso.”

I should have said “No provisos, I want to eat my food now!” But curiosity got the better of me, “What proviso?”

“Sign this form indicating a pledge enforceable by law that you will put in the obligatory 10 hours of cardio-vascular exercise necessary to erase the calorie-intake health risk represented by this meal.”

“I belong to a gym already.”

“Yes Ma’am, this makes it possible for the government to check into your gym records. You also will not be allowed to frequent another establishment of this franchise until those ten community service hours of exercise are served.”

“What?”

“Oh, and one more thing.” He puts the remaining papers back in his brief case and my cold chicken and fries and melted shake back on the table.

“What?”

“You owe an additional $4.25 for the heart healthy lunch.”

“But I didn’t eat…”

“Yes Ma’am, but federal regulations prohibit the food from being served to someone else, so it is yours to dispose of as you wish. Here is your bill. Bon Appetite.”

*Original run on November 12, 2007

Beep Beep Beep Beep

We just recently purchased a twelve passenger van. It is a utilitarian vehicle to be sure, with the only bell/whistle being sensors on the back that go beep beep beep when you throw the car into reverse and there is something back there. It's a handy safety feature and I'm grateful for the added precaution against running over anything as I adjust to maneuvering what feels like a large brick on wheels. I appreciate the car's "Heads up." warning.

In real life, I'm not nearly so gracious.

Spousal esp annoys me.

Back in 1993, I decided I needed to take on a bigger challenge than mere motherhood. (I was a newbie and in to foolish notions like the idea that there is any bigger challenge). Thus, I started graduate school.

The university of my choosing was of course, three and a half to four hours of hard driving distance away. Did this stop me? No. I hired my younger brother to babysit for the day while I drove like a maniac to take classes from noon to ten at night, after which I would crash at my other brother's for the night and drive back with equal speed to return home by noon the next day once a week.

Before beginning one such journey, my beloved spouse went out of his way to say, "Take your time, watch your speed." So you know I got busted going 87 up 290 to Austin.

It took all my wifely discipline to tell him.

My poor husband, the modern day Cassandra, issued another clarion cry after our third child.

It was in January, and we got absolutely incredible beautiful weather, the kind of day that beckons everyone to be outside. We loaded up our now three children, the stroller priam, and two bikes. It took two cars. We both drove to the park with the vision of getting a bit of exercise and enjoying this unnatural gift of warm weather.

Having recently recovered from having a baby, I was feeling flabby. I wanted to work out. The park had stations for stretches and muscle tone, heart rate measurement and other nifty tips on getting fit. I decided to do them as we walked.

We were having a great time.

Then, we came to the monkey bars. Most women over 30 know better than to climb on monkey bars. But I am not like most women. For much of my adult life, I have studiously avoided common sense, even when provided helpfully by my beloved husband.

"I don't think that's a good idea Sher..." he started as I began swinging from rung to rung to...no rung. I fell. I fell hard. I tried to get up and almost blacked out from pain. I had torn ligaments in my knee which was swelling up like a grapefruit.

My husband had to marshal the kids. He took them to his car, transfered all three to their car seats and begged a soccer referee named Samuel to watch them while he returned across the soccer field past the playground to crumpled me. He then got a woman and her son and their very big dalmatian to watch over my foolish self while he made the second trip to load our second car with the tricycle, bike and collapsible stroller.

He then came back for me. Carrying me across the soccer field in his arms, he kept saying, "Please don't be hurt. Please don't be hurt...and if you're hurt, I'm really mad at you."

The next three weeks, I spent bumping down the stairs on my rump with my newest daughter in a baby carrier.

But I learned my lesson.

So this morning, when my sagacious husband said "Don't lose your keys." out of the blue, all I could think was..."Beep beep beep beep."

Five Questions...Maybe Six...

I keep thinking of doing a 24 hours in my day type entry in this blog but every time I’ve considered the possibility, I’ve quite honestly lost my nerve. The trick to comedy is never to reveal everything, always have a joke in spare. I admit, my reserve of jokes have as of late, run a bit thin. SAHM’s, writers, whatever you may be, you can’t pour out if nothing is being poured in. So I’ve embarked on a quest to replenish my stories and my spirit to allow this blog to continue.

One should also recognize that good comedy is modeled out of pain and suffering. I haven’t been suffering as of late enough for my art apparently. Though I admit I thought when toddler 1 and toddler II took out the giant sized rewards bag of M&m’s for pottying and dumped them on the hard wood floors and went stomping, I thought I just might be feeling pain then.

When my daughter in kindergarten came home with a report card that said she didn’t know her numbers up to 20, we began doing drills. For some reason, the number fifteen appears to be something of a mental stumbling block for her. Even saying fifteen fifteen times in a row did not institute recall. Tucking her in at the end of the day, she apologized to me for not remembering the number. I said, “Which number?” She said, “I don’t know.”

There are days when treading water is all one can do, and today was one of those days. My son was caught up in a book and missed his bus stop by several miles. He called to be rescued. I had just unloaded the car.

The toddlers found a squirt bottle of body wash and sprayed the bathroom shower and tub while I was feeding the baby. I had just cleaned the bathroom.

They then played car with the laundry baskets. This meant dumping the contents of the laundry baskets. I had just folded the laundry.

That primal scream you sensed around noon today, it was me.

When things get this rough, all I have left that I can do is pray. God gets a lot of “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think so. No.” I never win these arguments with the Almighty.

Then my daughter got in the car and talked about how her social studies teacher said it cost $250,000.00 to raise a kid from birth to age 21. I point out that technically, I’m off the hook three years earlier than that as she’s legally an adult at 18. I figured that probably saves me a minimum the area of $160,000.00. She counters that she hasn’t cost that much so far, and asks where’s the 90K to date?

I told her I’m a below average kind of parent.

The day to day momwork sometimes becomes so oppressive sometimes that I can forget to have fun. So I resolved earlier this year to have each of my kids ask a question when they came home from school to help: “Did you read? Did you write? Did you exercise? Did you play the piano? Did you pray? Did you play?”

Usually, on a good day, I managed to execute a yes for three of these questions.
And so the day goes on and I help with homework, I take kids to baseball, I bring dinner to the practice so we can eat. We sit and wait for the day to end. Tucking in each of my overwhelming blessings, my son asks me if I played today. Yes I did. I played pool and shot a good round, and when my daughter was doing push-ups at basketball practice, I showed her up by matching her push up for push up, with better form.

As such, I’m going to add the question, "Did you show off?"

And see how many days I can go with the answer being “Yes.”

for more modest humor, and some that shows off better, try www.humor-blogs.com!

Exercising Futility

Yesterday: Alarm at 5:00 am. I know I said today I’d go to the gym first thing but this is an unhealthy hour. I need sleep. Experts say getting enough sleep helps you lose weight. So I’m going to listen to the experts. Sets alarm for 6:15. I’ll do a workout video in the morning and hit the gym after lunch.

6:15 snoozed to 6:30… Okay. We’re on a Diet. No fats. No Fried anything. No Sweets. No Chocolate. No Caffeine, No Alcohol, No unhealthy anything. What is there to eat in this house…almost nothing.

8:15 am Breakfast. I….need…food. Cereal. Healthy plain bran flake cereal I’ve let sit on the shelf for months is the only low sugar option available. I’ll start good. I’ll be good. Hmmm…taste bad…taste like it’s stale…I’ll fix that…with fruit. Lots of fruit….and milk….and orange juice….who knew eating healthy could taste good….why haven’t I started this before, this is easy….it’s still chewy and stale, but the fruit helps.

Morning room sweeps and dishes and laundry carry us through the next two hours without a mishap except for the two handfuls of M&m’s I gave myself when the toddler went to the potty and I handed out rewards.

10:30 am…Food….I need food….can’t have food until 12…the kids want second breakfast. I fixed them frozen waffles and sipped my diet coke with lime virtuously. I just need to make it to 12…

11:00 am. Double toddler accident below the beltway. Ate a fistful of M&m’s to sustain morale.

11:40 am I’m supposed to wait until 12…what’s 20 minutes…the time it will take me to make the food, so it will be ready by 12, when I get to eat….tuna…with onions and celery and tomatoes…peppers…and just a tablespoon of mayo…hmmmm. That looks REALLY dry. Maybe little more, NO. No. no. I’ll add a healthy fat, some olive oil…just a drizzle. Okay, that looks much better. Mix it up, on toast…a pickle, an apple sliced up and maybe a big glass of milk. That is a virtuous lunch. It needs a little something hot though, maybe some soup…soup is healthy….and I’m going to the gym so it will be okay, I can count the calorie credits, they’re all good calories…

1:00 pm Need to go to gym. Too full…wait until later…let kids watch PBS…feel vague guilt that I’m not putting on fitness workout video for all of us to enjoy or at least try.

1:15 Pottying success and I grabbed a diet coke instead of eating M&m’s. Yeahs all around. Can’t find shoes to get them ready to go to the gym.

1:30 Still can’t find shoes

1:45 Found 3 shoes…still need one more.

1:55 found three other shoes, none match.

2:00 pm Having found a pair of slippers that match, I could technically make a go of it, but child care ends in thirty minutes, wouldn’t be a long enough work out to be worth it…I’ll go at 4…

2:30 Load car of kids sans shoes for school pick up, find other four matching shoes in car.

3:00 pm pick up kids from school, Girl Scout cookie orders came in today, so our car is packed with cookies. The kids open a box to share as the afternoon snack while still in the car in the school parking lot, I absentmindedly eat a cookie the kids hand me. It’s a Girl Scout thin mint. Thin mints. The thin mint scent is wafting around in my head. The open sleeve of thin mints is within arm’s reach…resist….resist….resist….what’s a serving?…four…I’ll have just one…so that’s what…40 calories….40 calories…puh. That’s nothing…I’ll make it two, that’s only 80…besides, these two are stuck…explain to kids that thin mints are best eaten straight out of the freezer. One child hands me another thin mint, “I don’t want this type of cookie Mommy, you can have it.” Her eyes are generous and happy. If I refuse, they will be sad…I eat the cookie. Other children offer cookies and I decline by chewing as long as possible, when we get home, my son has wrapped two cookies in a napkin as a gift to me, so I eat those two…200 calories… trouble.

Unloading the car takes about 20 minutes…then the phone rings such that homework gets delayed…a few thin mints may have been eaten in the process...

4:15 pm “We have to go to the gym..”
“But Mommy, I need to use the computer to type up my Copernicus report.”
“And I have to make a diorama using clay and a shoe box for tomorrow’s project on the rain forest.”
“Can you read to me?”
“I have to practice this piece for the concert on Friday.”

I realize that my gym bag doesn’t have my favorite gym pants or shirt and the walkman is missing it’s headphones and needs new batteries...and I only have AA and it needs AAA…I need to repack this…so it goes in the corner to be dealt with later.

5:30 pm Homework is finished. Music is finished. Thin mints are finished. How did that happen?
“Hey Mom, What’s for dinner?”
Making a mental note to skip dinner, I fire up the pot of boiling water, put the meatballs in the microwave and begin making a salad.

6:20 pm Dinner is on the table. It smells great. Maybe I’ll serve myself…sensible portions.

7:20 pm Time to get people bathed and starting on bed routine.

8:30 pm Kids are mostly in bed…time to do dishes and put away food.

9:27 pm…with interruptions and phone calls and retucking in of three separate kids, plus the discovery of an older one in the back basement reading comic books on the sly, dishes are just now getting done.

10:00 pm…I could go to the gym. It’s open until 11…but I don’t want to go out this late…alone….and I’m tired…I’ll start tomorrow at five thirty --five was too early. I’ll get up and do a DVD –the 21 minute workout, right at six, that way I’ve got a jump on the day and won’t have cut into the schedule by more than 15 minutes….and I won’t have to worry about what I’m wearing or if I have headphones…just the other sleeve of thin mints in the freezer.

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