How do you do it?
Anywhere someone discovers we have ten kids, the question comes up. I understand. It's unusual.
My flippant answer is "Some days, I don't." and that can mean house work, reading, exercise or getting a shower.
I'm fairly certain the "it" they wonder about, is the work. It's true. There's always more to do, and as far as I know, I've never been finished. To do "it" would imply it got done. My understanding of this life is, "it's never done, until we are," and so I'm not done with "it." I don't spend a lot of time with angst over how to do it. Angst doesn't help.
Some days I don't exercise. Some days I don't read. Some days I don't write. Some days, I don't get it all done, and some days, that doesn't bother me. It isn't a celebration of sloth, it's a recognition, this won't all happen, it won't all be perfect, and it won't all get done no matter what I do. So just do what you can, and tomorrow, do it again.
Instead, I spend a lot of time asking, "What's next?'
Summer today ended without prior notice, as one child has practice every day at seven o'clock in the morning. I shouldn't have asked. Still, the how do you do it question isn't an expression of awe, but a question of where do you get the will? Because I get, parenting is an act of the will every day.
Today, in the kitchen, I discovered the remains of someone's cooking project, recycling which needed to be taken out, and that I forgot to start the dishwasher last night. Upstairs in the hallway, is apparently the nesting grounds for all towels in the household, and a quick survey indicated I needed to bus the rooms for evening drink of water cups.
The real question, "How do you do it?" was "How do you do it without losing your mind?"
My joke felt a little sharper to me. Maybe I wouldn't use that one anymore.
Which is why the answer remains, some days, I don't because of whatever the what's next turns out to be. I also spend time in my head telling myself, "Never ask that."
Yesterday, I'd been at the park with the youngest four, listening to two different women. Each spoke wistfully about only having two, and feeling trapped by economics, by decisions they'd made earlier, by life itself, into staying stuck with less than their hearts longed for. They both drifted off from me in the park, but watched the interplay of theirs and my children with hungry eyes. They each told me, they feared even as they wanted, "Just one more."
Having just met, I couldn't whisper to them, "It's worth it." even with the towel marshaling grounds and filled trash bags, endless errands and paperwork and dishes though I did say, "You couldn't imagine how much you'd love your first, and then you thought your heart would burst with the second. That same thing happens with every one of them." to one of the women. I would have said more, but she ran off with her phone, though she told me, she was going to tell her husband that.
I wanted explain somehow, that desire to love more, that's God talking to your soul, inviting you into the infinite unknown. The "It" I don't do, but live with every day, is beyond my capacity to "do," because love is never finished. It's just my will that doesn't always want to do much beyond bark at those I love, "Clean this mess up!" Most of learning how to do "it" is learning to say yes when you are asked, to ignore your own desire to say, "No!" or bark. It is climbing the stairs, fixing the lunch, taking the trip to the park, and making sure the meal has vegetables. It is tying the shoes and finding matched socks. It is never done because there's always need, there's always more. Fortunately, love is infinite, so love also is always a reward if you let yourself surrender. I also know, it isn't numbers, it's how you love, and one can be an infinite lover with one, like Mary, or a flawed lover of the infinite, like me.
My twelve year old came into my room. She asked me yesterday to climb the stairs to look at her room. I'd not found the time. She came in, "Mom...I'm bored." I reminded her I'd yet to see her room. She lit up like a Christmas tree. "Hurry, come see it!" and I told her, she helped me finish this story. The "it" involves a lot of sacrifice, sometimes just stopping what you want to do and climbing the stairs, but if you surrender, you discover a lot of joy you'd otherwise miss.
We played a game of Extreme Twister afterwards, with five of my kids. I won twice before retiring, with both a slight head rush from the blood and bragging rights. I wanted to whisper to those two women's hearts, "It's worth it."
Showing posts with label big families. Show all posts
Showing posts with label big families. Show all posts
Friday, August 10, 2018
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Today I Have Two Pieces
It's been a good week for writing. I have a piece over at the National Catholic Register about how children teach us how to love "am-ness" rather than doing.
Also, Catholicmom.com still runs my Small Success Thursday column and here's the link to Small Success Thursday. (And a teaser),
Ever feel afraid to get started on a project or studying, on a diet or organization? Well, when I looked at what remains to be done this summer, I had all four of those suckers on the list, and what did I want to do? I wanted to go take a bath and crawl into bed and watch a movie.
Also, Catholicmom.com still runs my Small Success Thursday column and here's the link to Small Success Thursday. (And a teaser),
Ever feel afraid to get started on a project or studying, on a diet or organization? Well, when I looked at what remains to be done this summer, I had all four of those suckers on the list, and what did I want to do? I wanted to go take a bath and crawl into bed and watch a movie.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
He Keeps Surprising Me
My son's communication device has afforded us many moments we might otherwise have missed. "Alligator, frog, bug" means "I want to watch the Princess and the Frog." "Pig, porcupine, elephant" is how he lets me know he'd prefer to watch "Sing." Some movies require a more direct approach. He'll fall down and say, "Oh no!" if I pick the wrong one, but a fist bump followed by a fa-la-la-la-la means "Big Hero 6." Using this method, I can usually figure out what show he wishes to see.
This past week, let me say, my fifteen year old and I had a disagreement. We both took ourselves to our rooms to calm down. Paul took his communication device and punched in the words "Love Faith, love Mom, Paul Love, eat food, love Mom, Love Faith, Paul love." (It happened just before dinner).
I thought an older sibling imitating Paul, typed in the words, but the words worked for both of us. The next day, I met with Paul's teacher to visit a site for his schooling next year. She asked if we'd put any new words in his communication device. (I hadn't). She informed me he'd punched in, "Paul sister Bonnie come home today." Bonn wouldn't be home until Sunday but still, the sentence made me think, maybe he did write the other note too.
Still, much of Paul's ability to communicate is dependent upon the rest of us thinking about what he's thinking and more importantly, why. Last night, I took him to Faith's play. Her school put on "Once Upon A Mattress." After the show, Paul clapped enthusiastically, and stood up and clapped and yelled when the King took a bow. He even ran over to shake the King's hand.
The next day, I puzzled over why he found the character of the King so appealing and it was so obvious, I wondered how I ever didn't see it. The King in the play is mute until the end, and spends his time using sign and gestures which his musician and jester interpret. He identified with the King.
Now I wish I'd taken a picture of Paul with the King, but it does give me an insight into how he sees himself, and probably how he sees me...I'm guessing I'm the jester.
All of which leads to why it is that this family needs Paul, all of which leads to why I wanted to share all of this as a story. Bill Nye, science guy recently spoke with a panel about population control and the need to penalize families who have more than whatever it is that now is considered reasonable via policy. My son would be in that stack of the unreasonable number, and I object to the idea, much less the presumption entailed in that discussion, that some people are extra, that some people are unnecessary, and that some people should decide how many children other people should have. I object to using force of law to hurt those who don't agree with such "enlightened" policies.
We would never get to Paul in that world. We would never get to most of my children, and my life, and my family's life would be poorer for it. However, returning to only focusing on the one child we know will not be a world player as it were, Paul is the one society might come to think most easy to whittle out because of his condition.
Let me say, Paul has an extra chromosome. Paul himself, is not extra. He is not part of the surplus population, and he is not a drain on society, he is a breath of fresh air. He is a gift, designed to reveal to the rest of us, to remind the rest of us, about what is and is not important. He makes sure everyone comes to the table to eat. He always wants a bed time story and prayers, he always wants a bath and he always picks and gives me a flower if he sees them when we're walking to the bus. He dances with abandon, he enjoys slapstick and adventure movies and musicals, and greets his sisters and brothers as if he hasn't seen them since forever.
If there's extra beyond the genetic replica of a chromosome in a person with Down Syndrome, it's the gift of being able to love easily and love well. I would say to Bill Nye, and anyone else who views my son or anyone else with a permanent mental and physical disability as extra or unnecessary, the world has plenty of people who work, plenty of people who are very smart, but it needs every person it can find, willing to love easily and well.
This past week, let me say, my fifteen year old and I had a disagreement. We both took ourselves to our rooms to calm down. Paul took his communication device and punched in the words "Love Faith, love Mom, Paul Love, eat food, love Mom, Love Faith, Paul love." (It happened just before dinner).
I thought an older sibling imitating Paul, typed in the words, but the words worked for both of us. The next day, I met with Paul's teacher to visit a site for his schooling next year. She asked if we'd put any new words in his communication device. (I hadn't). She informed me he'd punched in, "Paul sister Bonnie come home today." Bonn wouldn't be home until Sunday but still, the sentence made me think, maybe he did write the other note too.
Still, much of Paul's ability to communicate is dependent upon the rest of us thinking about what he's thinking and more importantly, why. Last night, I took him to Faith's play. Her school put on "Once Upon A Mattress." After the show, Paul clapped enthusiastically, and stood up and clapped and yelled when the King took a bow. He even ran over to shake the King's hand.
The next day, I puzzled over why he found the character of the King so appealing and it was so obvious, I wondered how I ever didn't see it. The King in the play is mute until the end, and spends his time using sign and gestures which his musician and jester interpret. He identified with the King.
Now I wish I'd taken a picture of Paul with the King, but it does give me an insight into how he sees himself, and probably how he sees me...I'm guessing I'm the jester.
All of which leads to why it is that this family needs Paul, all of which leads to why I wanted to share all of this as a story. Bill Nye, science guy recently spoke with a panel about population control and the need to penalize families who have more than whatever it is that now is considered reasonable via policy. My son would be in that stack of the unreasonable number, and I object to the idea, much less the presumption entailed in that discussion, that some people are extra, that some people are unnecessary, and that some people should decide how many children other people should have. I object to using force of law to hurt those who don't agree with such "enlightened" policies.
We would never get to Paul in that world. We would never get to most of my children, and my life, and my family's life would be poorer for it. However, returning to only focusing on the one child we know will not be a world player as it were, Paul is the one society might come to think most easy to whittle out because of his condition.
Let me say, Paul has an extra chromosome. Paul himself, is not extra. He is not part of the surplus population, and he is not a drain on society, he is a breath of fresh air. He is a gift, designed to reveal to the rest of us, to remind the rest of us, about what is and is not important. He makes sure everyone comes to the table to eat. He always wants a bed time story and prayers, he always wants a bath and he always picks and gives me a flower if he sees them when we're walking to the bus. He dances with abandon, he enjoys slapstick and adventure movies and musicals, and greets his sisters and brothers as if he hasn't seen them since forever.
If there's extra beyond the genetic replica of a chromosome in a person with Down Syndrome, it's the gift of being able to love easily and love well. I would say to Bill Nye, and anyone else who views my son or anyone else with a permanent mental and physical disability as extra or unnecessary, the world has plenty of people who work, plenty of people who are very smart, but it needs every person it can find, willing to love easily and well.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
My Catholic Bonifieds Mean Squato
Recently, David Mills wrote A Marxist Lesson for Breeding Catholics, arguing that those who espouse Catholic teaching and have many children, do so from a position of privilege, and thus do not see the struggle of the poor, or of those for whom, the possibility of having another child, constitutes a danger/and or burden they can anticipate.
As a member of what he calls, the romantic middle class breeding Catholic society, I'd like to say the following to David Mills, and those who think Catholic Breeders have NFP Rose colored glasses on when they welcome a child into the world and thank God they're in the 5 if not 1 percenters.
Phooey.
Being a practicing Catholic with a large family means three things.
1) We hold to the teachings of the Church on sex and marriage, though it costs.
2) We have no romanticism about the reality of how hard it is to either abstain or follow the Church's teachings, when we can see all around us, how much seemingly easier it is for everyone else to fund college, drive a car smaller than a Suburban, and just go out to dinner as a family, let alone, consider a vacation. Hey kids, let's go Camping. Do you know why? Because two hotel rooms means the vacation is three days tops.
3) We do get joyous about the children, because we do celebrate life, but that doesn't mean when we are pregnant, we're thinking, yipee! We're probably thinking, "How could God trust us again? How are we going to do this? Do you think we can manage? What can we cut?" and ten thousand little logistics like, if it's a girl, do we have hand me downs we can keep for her, or is the stuff so old, we need to start over? (Please, long time readers, know I'm not expecting, it's just the topic I'm discussing).
I think, Mills is confusing romanticism with a joyful witness. It's not romantic to have 300 unmated socks permanently stashed on your sofa because no one, not even you, wants to deal with sorting. But it is a joyful witness to get everyone out the door, and not sweat if some of the sock ware choices are creative. Two my little pony socks, but different ones? Hey, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are buds, why not in the foot ware department?
It's a reality, if you have a big family, you get pegged.
Every time I've gone out with everybody, somebody says it. "Mormon or Catholic?" It's a standard response to having more than half a dozen. I don't mind it. We grew into this size of a family, and into this witness. It wasn't a pre-established design by us. By God, sure, but not by us.
But with having a JUMBO FAMILY PACK XXL family means you do get presumed to have somehow bypassed the moral struggles of parenting, and moved straight to some sort of perfected state, only punctuated by Erma Bombeck worthy moments of zany antics. It's not true.
First, we have the normal battles, I mean discussions over who took the batteries for the remote, where is his shoe and going to bed even when you're not tired, how can you not be tired? I'm tired! just like any other family.
Second, we're not here to judge anyone's faith life. Honestly, I'm trying to make sure I get through mass or the movie or dinner or wherever it is we are whatever it is we're doing with the same exact number of people I showed up with, and hoping, none of them are doing something I won't be able to explain, like going through the free lollipops and opening all the ones that say "?" on them, to see if they can find their favorite flavor. My Catholic bonifieds mean squanto except to the extent I live them, (which means, if I'm judging anyone else's attempt to live out their faith, carry their cross and discern how to serve God and their neighbor with all their heart, strength and mind), I could have 15,000 children, and it wouldn't make me a good Catholic.
Third, a practicing, not perfected Catholic, and family size is no indicator of faith size. What we wrestle with, may be less self evident, but that does not make it any less a reality.
Finally, I'd like to insert any other word in for "wealthy" and indicate the absurdity of making this qualifier on living a Catholic life.
"Only the affluent will find being open to life easy."
"Only the educated..."
"Only the powerful..."
"Only the physically strong..."
Money certainly helps with the physical needs (and there are plenty), but the way this article begins, it presumes, someone starts pre-fab, wealthy, and says, "Because I'm wealthy, I can afford the luxury of being open to life." The world we live in, would seem to indicate, that's not the thinking that goes on...not because there aren't wealthy people open to life, or the wealthy people who were open to life, became poor because they were open to life, but because I would just eliminate the qualifier, and say, "Only those open to life, are open to life. Some are blessed to find it easy."
The rest of it, I seriously doubt enters into the equation. We're all called to be saints. If we're all called to be saints, you can bet, however God plans on bringing us to His table, it will be luminous, joyful, and even glorious, but it will also be sorrowful at times, and not easy. To follow Christ is to hold onto a cross, to say even when you have nothing left, "I will serve." not because you want to prove yourself, but because you love.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Rabbit Questions
"God gives you means to be responsible. Some think that — excuse the language — that in order to be good Catholics, we have to be like rabbits. No. Responsible parenthood. This is clear and that is why in the Church there are marriage groups, there are experts in this matter, there are pastors, one can search; and I know so many ways that are licit and that have helped this." --Pope Francis
Like Simcha Fisher, I don't tend to get worked up over the Pope's words off the cuff, I presume the Pope was trying to make a distinction; it didn't quite work as the Catholic internet exploded. Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits. Most seemed to understand the Pope's comments to be about how we're not merely creatures, we're not merely breeders, we're supposed to be open to life, but the demand isn't for every family to be the same. I thought I'd ignore the great lupine battle of our time, but it kept popping up in all the places I frequent.
So I read the full text of the Pope's interview.
I paused when he talked about a woman expecting her eighth, and having had multiple c-sections "tempting" God. My brain started churning on things, on questions I'd pose to Pope Francis, if I had the luxury of time to just talk with him about this sort of thing.
Because these are the sorts of questions that don't come up in NFP classes or pretty much anywhere.
People who follow the teaching of the church have limited licit options if they are married; abstinence, NFP, and other charting methods for monitoring fertility. Even being open to life, those practicing NFP occasionally misread, misinterpret, or in the moment, ignore or forget when it is a fertile time in the cycle. These misreads or missteps or errors in judgment about when it is a fertile or infertile time to engage in licit sex can lead to children.
At that moment, the woman and man, if they follow the church, must accept the gift from God of the new person's existence. It happens. It happens often. It is part of why much of the world has rejected NFP, because they don't want to have to rely on their own wills to limit family size. It's not fool proof, and love often makes us fools. Having done NFP for now going on 18 years, I can say, it's 90% successful, but we still have ten kids from that 10%.
It's not that we wanted to have a big family, we were simply welcoming when we received the gift of children, (sometimes more gracefully than other times), but they're all wonderful, they're all miracles. They each teach us different lessons, and together, they keep driving us deeper into communion with God, and each other.
If the family is the domestic church, then we simply have a bigger parish than most but each parish is designed to bring all of its members to Christ. Were we tempting God by being open to life? If we were, it was unintentional, in that neither my husband nor I thought, forget my health issues, let's have a van full of kids!
Perhaps a better way of approaching this subject would have been to teach in the Marriage Preparation course and the Confirmation course about the discernment process itself. Perhaps we should be reminded that as adult married Catholics that we're required to be fully integrated in our faith, to attempt to align our faith with reason and desire, and that it might require sacrifice. Sometimes, even great sacrifice.
But what is that sacrifice? And how do we know if it is God's will?
The big question broke down into these smaller ones.
1) Since all children are gifts from God, all souls are intended. While that doesn't mean "breed like rabbits," it does mean, accept what you receive, cooperate with God's will (being open to life). If we accept these two things as truth, isn't what your family size is as result, theoretically whether you engaged in a rigorous cost/analysis of your family life or not, God's will?
2) How does one discern "tempting" versus "trusting?" I say that not because I want to be a jerk. Being open to life does not mean you must have children, only that you must be welcoming to children. What circumstances or moral judgment makes the act of being willing to have children "tempting God?"
3) The third question stems from some of the conversations spawned by discussion of the Pope's remarks. Whenever the subject of big families come up, there are comments about the down side of having many children. Stories of children in large families feeling neglected or of kids leaving the faith because the life of their parents seemed too hard, or tales of the children becoming estranged because they didn't get enough attention or discipline or love from Mom and Dad, make me worry.
In fairness, I have diaries expressing these very fears dating back to 1997, when we were expecting our third. One of the comforts or consolations I take in the process of parenting this large family, is the belief that God will make this possible even if I've mucked it up, because the only way it is possible, is with God. I know I will muck it up but I also know, God's grace will make this possible despite me.
Which brings me to my third question. What would the Pope would have us do, if we have in the past "tested God" and thus failed, and therefore have more children than we would if we discerned, or what should be expected of those who for whatever reason, do not have discerning temperaments?
One last thing, I love this pope and trust his deep love of this Church, of the whole flock he's been asked to shepherd. I have no problem with him being the Pope, nor is my faith shaken.
It doesn't mean I don't have questions.
Like Simcha Fisher, I don't tend to get worked up over the Pope's words off the cuff, I presume the Pope was trying to make a distinction; it didn't quite work as the Catholic internet exploded. Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits. Most seemed to understand the Pope's comments to be about how we're not merely creatures, we're not merely breeders, we're supposed to be open to life, but the demand isn't for every family to be the same. I thought I'd ignore the great lupine battle of our time, but it kept popping up in all the places I frequent.
So I read the full text of the Pope's interview.
I paused when he talked about a woman expecting her eighth, and having had multiple c-sections "tempting" God. My brain started churning on things, on questions I'd pose to Pope Francis, if I had the luxury of time to just talk with him about this sort of thing.
Because these are the sorts of questions that don't come up in NFP classes or pretty much anywhere.
People who follow the teaching of the church have limited licit options if they are married; abstinence, NFP, and other charting methods for monitoring fertility. Even being open to life, those practicing NFP occasionally misread, misinterpret, or in the moment, ignore or forget when it is a fertile time in the cycle. These misreads or missteps or errors in judgment about when it is a fertile or infertile time to engage in licit sex can lead to children.
At that moment, the woman and man, if they follow the church, must accept the gift from God of the new person's existence. It happens. It happens often. It is part of why much of the world has rejected NFP, because they don't want to have to rely on their own wills to limit family size. It's not fool proof, and love often makes us fools. Having done NFP for now going on 18 years, I can say, it's 90% successful, but we still have ten kids from that 10%.
It's not that we wanted to have a big family, we were simply welcoming when we received the gift of children, (sometimes more gracefully than other times), but they're all wonderful, they're all miracles. They each teach us different lessons, and together, they keep driving us deeper into communion with God, and each other.
If the family is the domestic church, then we simply have a bigger parish than most but each parish is designed to bring all of its members to Christ. Were we tempting God by being open to life? If we were, it was unintentional, in that neither my husband nor I thought, forget my health issues, let's have a van full of kids!
Perhaps a better way of approaching this subject would have been to teach in the Marriage Preparation course and the Confirmation course about the discernment process itself. Perhaps we should be reminded that as adult married Catholics that we're required to be fully integrated in our faith, to attempt to align our faith with reason and desire, and that it might require sacrifice. Sometimes, even great sacrifice.
But what is that sacrifice? And how do we know if it is God's will?
The big question broke down into these smaller ones.
1) Since all children are gifts from God, all souls are intended. While that doesn't mean "breed like rabbits," it does mean, accept what you receive, cooperate with God's will (being open to life). If we accept these two things as truth, isn't what your family size is as result, theoretically whether you engaged in a rigorous cost/analysis of your family life or not, God's will?
2) How does one discern "tempting" versus "trusting?" I say that not because I want to be a jerk. Being open to life does not mean you must have children, only that you must be welcoming to children. What circumstances or moral judgment makes the act of being willing to have children "tempting God?"
3) The third question stems from some of the conversations spawned by discussion of the Pope's remarks. Whenever the subject of big families come up, there are comments about the down side of having many children. Stories of children in large families feeling neglected or of kids leaving the faith because the life of their parents seemed too hard, or tales of the children becoming estranged because they didn't get enough attention or discipline or love from Mom and Dad, make me worry.
In fairness, I have diaries expressing these very fears dating back to 1997, when we were expecting our third. One of the comforts or consolations I take in the process of parenting this large family, is the belief that God will make this possible even if I've mucked it up, because the only way it is possible, is with God. I know I will muck it up but I also know, God's grace will make this possible despite me.
Which brings me to my third question. What would the Pope would have us do, if we have in the past "tested God" and thus failed, and therefore have more children than we would if we discerned, or what should be expected of those who for whatever reason, do not have discerning temperaments?
One last thing, I love this pope and trust his deep love of this Church, of the whole flock he's been asked to shepherd. I have no problem with him being the Pope, nor is my faith shaken.
It doesn't mean I don't have questions.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
The Other Side of the Story
Adolescence isn't easy, especially when you are trying to carve out your own identity and feel so utterly stamped by your family. I know the instant we show up somewhere, with the big van and the sheer numbers, (not to mention the loudness of some of our children who have not learned to curb their natural enthusiasm in order to draw less attention to our grand exiting of said vehicle), we've already driven our teens crazy.
The older ones cope by appearing to be "responsible adults," grabbing the nearest cutest toddler and becoming their sole custodians for any outing we might take. It's the middle ones who struggle. They do not want the task of caring for a younger sibling, or the association with all the other younger siblings. Being part of a mob of children and unable to escape, my teens struggle to maintain their cool, and to look cool.
The other day, I read Matt's piece "I'd Kill Myself if I Had That Many Kids." It bothered me because while I've been on the receiving end of this sort of thinking many a time, I also know some of my own children have leveled a parallel charge at me when they feel underserved. "There's too many!" they shout. "I don't want to be in such a big family. It's too big!" It is a weapon in the teen arsenal, sometimes effective, sometimes not, but indicative of the corrosive thinking that permeates our secular culture.
Yesterday, I heard the canard one too many times. So I called the two leveling such charges to come outside and told them to knock it off. Lectures as a rule, don't work, which is a shame because I'm good at it. So I did the next best thing. I told them a story.
Before I had my own children, I worked as a special needs teacher and took my students to a McDonald's. The manager and I had become friends over the year, with her coming to sit down and visit with me and the students each time we came for lunch. She let on that she was one of ten children.
I started to wax poetical about how much I loved my Dad's extended family and having tons of Aunts and Uncles and cousins but she shook her head. "I had too many siblings."
I asked without thinking, "How many of your brothers and sisters do you think should never have been born?" It floored her and silenced the up until then easy flow of conversation. "What do you mean?" she said, her hand over her heart, as if I'd stabbed it. I was 26 at the time, so I can't blame youth, but tact has never been my strong suit.
I explained, "You said there were too many, so which ones do you think shouldn't have been there?" And she walked back from it, "Well, it was hard." I agreed, it probably was. We stayed friends.
I told my children, taking care of, raising, feeding, clothing, managing all ten of you, no question, it is hard. There are days, minutes, moments, nights, weeks when it feels mind blowingly hard. But I'd never stop. I'd never quit. They are the only reason I do this, but because they are, I could never not do this.
So the answer to the woman who thought she'd prefer death to more people to love, is the same as the answer to my manager friend, is the same as the one to my teens. I can't imagine living any other way, and that the absence of any of them, is a body blow to the heart. And my teens, like my manager friend, and (one day, I hope the woman in that conversation understands), knew or rediscovered, all these noisy silly bouncing off the wall can we go to the pool when do we eat next people, all of them, were and are infinite parts of all of our hearts.
The answer is, we cannot live without any of them, for each of them, make us more alive.
The answer is, we cannot live without any of them, for each of them, make us more alive.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Educate Me
I was in such a good mood today. I'd received a call from my sister-in-law about a treat for one of my sons, a visit with a long lost college roommate via the wonders of Facebook, I'd tidied up the upstairs, done all the wash except for the girls downstairs, and played blocks with my toddlers. My mom had called and I'd written 400 words on my WIP (work in progress) with an idea of where I was going. Yes, things were going very well until I clicked on a favorite blog to see the comment:
"If studies show (as I believe they do) that a grammar school teacher's effectiveness is decreased proportionally for each child added to her class of 20 students, why should we not conclude the same is true for parenting? Educate me."
Now my reaction is two-fold, Pastoral and Parental. As the Parent, mama bear wanted to come out, maul the commenter, stomp around a bit, growl threateningly, and then ask the person which of my children shouldn't be.
It hurt because it isn't like we don't spend much of our parenting energy trying to make sure to the extent humanly possible, they know solidly, that we love love love love love love love them all, and that we would crawl over broken glass for each and every one of them and fight off sharks and scale tall buildings and work until we are bones to provide them with what they need to live, to thrive, to know beauty, to know truth, and to have a deep faith and solid education.
That being said, it's damn hard work and we don't always hit the mark. Sometimes I don't have all the supplies we need, or the homework gets lost in the shuffle, maybe I could have read to this one more or we could have done more enrichment with that one. I probably shouldn't ever blow off Cub scouts, we've lost library books a lot of times, and yes we're often late and frazzled when we get there. I can continue the litany of self flagellation but you get the point. The comment hits bone and blood of my heart.
It is a constant prayer, because it is clear, doing this sometimes feel really feels forever impossible. I ask God every day for serious help.
Pastorally, I want to (as the person asked), educate. How do I educate someone on the value of the infinite?
How many sunsets are too many?
How many flowers should cover a field?
How many stars should there be in the universe?
How many drops in the ocean?
How many smiles in a lifetime?
How many hugs?
How many birthdays do you want to celebrate?
How much do you want to love?
How much do you want to be loved?
How much do you want to serve?
What would you give to love forever?
How many souls do you hope to love in Heaven?
How many souls do you want to love on Earth?
What is the limit of your capacity to love?
Can you love for more than a sprint, more than a million marathons?
Are you willing to try?
Do you want someone to love you that much?
These are my answers.
If you're grading on if we have Ivy League bound and academic superstars, Olympic athletes and senators...not yet by the world's standard, but who knows what the future holds? We do know we have smart talented beautiful people who care about each other, who think, who know how to serve, who know how to share, who know what sacrifice means, and who help each other out. Some play musical instruments, some paint, some run, some do plays, some play softball, some read, some write, some are still discovering their talents. They are children. I can't explain except to say, love is not the same as education. Love multiplies. It never subtracts. The grade is Heaven or not. Love or not. Not A's or not.
And then I thought about each of them.
My oldest intends to become a teacher. Perhaps because he has been part of a family of many, he understands the degree of diversity in learning better than most. He's lived it.
My next oldest is deeply driven to excel. We have never helicoptered. It is all her and she knows it.
My next oldest holds a gentleness that I marvel at, and credit with her having to open and reopen and reopen her heart, to share her family with her siblings.
My next oldest said his favorite family memories are when we all play together --football or races or something outside, but everyone, even the sister he normally likes to tease. So even the seemingly lone wolf of the family, defines the happiness of his family, as all of it.
The fifth loves beauty. She holds regular salons for the younger girls, doing their hair, painting nails, and all come back inside all smiles. Hers is a nurturing sparkling spirit.
The sixth is a gentleman. He loves books and games and randomly compliments his siblings and family out of the blue, leaving the rest of us bemused, pleased and slightly puzzled as to what we did to merit anything. He also shepherds his younger brother with a kind heart that echoes his father.
The seventh is a bright sunny smile almost all the time. She wants everyone around, and everything is a celebration.
The eighth is quieter, but fiercer in spirit. She comes to me and gives great hugs when she senses I am stressed.
The ninth holds my heart tightly. His smile is widest when he runs arms spread out to me from the bus. It's a one tenth of a mile from the street up our driveway to the house, so it's a dramatic scene that brings a smile to everyone's faces, the busdriver and the attendant love it. It is a favorite time of the day for me.
And the tenth, she is the exclamation point. She is fiery, she is funny, she guides her older brother and brings him along. He speaks more now that she is speaking. They are best friends. It is a special gift to him, for her to be here.
This is not to say there aren't dozy fights or colds that seem to hold on forever as they jump from kid to kid or messy rooms or lost books or forgotten assignments or endless laundry or bills. I sure wouldn't have said, I'd like to have to change diapers and pay college tuitions for 22 years each, but I do know, this is the genius of God, to give us a community to love and pull us out of ourselves beyond what we would have imagined.
Considering each of them as an island, they would benefit it is true if they had been the sole focus with respect to academics or athletics or whatever the specialized interest might be, but they are a nation, the whole of them, and what affects one, affects all. They are family. They protect and love each other fiercely. They don't always appreciate each other. (What sibling does?). But when one is sick or one is hurt or one is struggling, there is a surge of alliance in the others. They all sing full throttle at a birthday, even the ones who don't like the pink cake or the choice in frosting. They go to each other's games and plays and they read each other's stories and celebrate each other's victories.
I wondered if it sounded like self justification, except it isn't. I know their talents are their own. Maybe they'd be more polished if there were fewer of them, but I wouldn't want the absence of any of them for more polished versions of the others.
These are my children. They are like my fingers. I love and need them all.
"If studies show (as I believe they do) that a grammar school teacher's effectiveness is decreased proportionally for each child added to her class of 20 students, why should we not conclude the same is true for parenting? Educate me."
Now my reaction is two-fold, Pastoral and Parental. As the Parent, mama bear wanted to come out, maul the commenter, stomp around a bit, growl threateningly, and then ask the person which of my children shouldn't be.
It hurt because it isn't like we don't spend much of our parenting energy trying to make sure to the extent humanly possible, they know solidly, that we love love love love love love love them all, and that we would crawl over broken glass for each and every one of them and fight off sharks and scale tall buildings and work until we are bones to provide them with what they need to live, to thrive, to know beauty, to know truth, and to have a deep faith and solid education.
That being said, it's damn hard work and we don't always hit the mark. Sometimes I don't have all the supplies we need, or the homework gets lost in the shuffle, maybe I could have read to this one more or we could have done more enrichment with that one. I probably shouldn't ever blow off Cub scouts, we've lost library books a lot of times, and yes we're often late and frazzled when we get there. I can continue the litany of self flagellation but you get the point. The comment hits bone and blood of my heart.
It is a constant prayer, because it is clear, doing this sometimes feel really feels forever impossible. I ask God every day for serious help.
Pastorally, I want to (as the person asked), educate. How do I educate someone on the value of the infinite?
How many sunsets are too many?
How many flowers should cover a field?
How many stars should there be in the universe?
How many drops in the ocean?
How many smiles in a lifetime?
How many hugs?
How many birthdays do you want to celebrate?
How much do you want to love?
How much do you want to be loved?
How much do you want to serve?
What would you give to love forever?
How many souls do you hope to love in Heaven?
How many souls do you want to love on Earth?
What is the limit of your capacity to love?
Can you love for more than a sprint, more than a million marathons?
Are you willing to try?
Do you want someone to love you that much?
These are my answers.
If you're grading on if we have Ivy League bound and academic superstars, Olympic athletes and senators...not yet by the world's standard, but who knows what the future holds? We do know we have smart talented beautiful people who care about each other, who think, who know how to serve, who know how to share, who know what sacrifice means, and who help each other out. Some play musical instruments, some paint, some run, some do plays, some play softball, some read, some write, some are still discovering their talents. They are children. I can't explain except to say, love is not the same as education. Love multiplies. It never subtracts. The grade is Heaven or not. Love or not. Not A's or not.
And then I thought about each of them.
My oldest intends to become a teacher. Perhaps because he has been part of a family of many, he understands the degree of diversity in learning better than most. He's lived it.
My next oldest is deeply driven to excel. We have never helicoptered. It is all her and she knows it.
My next oldest holds a gentleness that I marvel at, and credit with her having to open and reopen and reopen her heart, to share her family with her siblings.
My next oldest said his favorite family memories are when we all play together --football or races or something outside, but everyone, even the sister he normally likes to tease. So even the seemingly lone wolf of the family, defines the happiness of his family, as all of it.
The fifth loves beauty. She holds regular salons for the younger girls, doing their hair, painting nails, and all come back inside all smiles. Hers is a nurturing sparkling spirit.
The sixth is a gentleman. He loves books and games and randomly compliments his siblings and family out of the blue, leaving the rest of us bemused, pleased and slightly puzzled as to what we did to merit anything. He also shepherds his younger brother with a kind heart that echoes his father.
The seventh is a bright sunny smile almost all the time. She wants everyone around, and everything is a celebration.
The eighth is quieter, but fiercer in spirit. She comes to me and gives great hugs when she senses I am stressed.
The ninth holds my heart tightly. His smile is widest when he runs arms spread out to me from the bus. It's a one tenth of a mile from the street up our driveway to the house, so it's a dramatic scene that brings a smile to everyone's faces, the busdriver and the attendant love it. It is a favorite time of the day for me.
And the tenth, she is the exclamation point. She is fiery, she is funny, she guides her older brother and brings him along. He speaks more now that she is speaking. They are best friends. It is a special gift to him, for her to be here.
This is not to say there aren't dozy fights or colds that seem to hold on forever as they jump from kid to kid or messy rooms or lost books or forgotten assignments or endless laundry or bills. I sure wouldn't have said, I'd like to have to change diapers and pay college tuitions for 22 years each, but I do know, this is the genius of God, to give us a community to love and pull us out of ourselves beyond what we would have imagined.
Considering each of them as an island, they would benefit it is true if they had been the sole focus with respect to academics or athletics or whatever the specialized interest might be, but they are a nation, the whole of them, and what affects one, affects all. They are family. They protect and love each other fiercely. They don't always appreciate each other. (What sibling does?). But when one is sick or one is hurt or one is struggling, there is a surge of alliance in the others. They all sing full throttle at a birthday, even the ones who don't like the pink cake or the choice in frosting. They go to each other's games and plays and they read each other's stories and celebrate each other's victories.
I wondered if it sounded like self justification, except it isn't. I know their talents are their own. Maybe they'd be more polished if there were fewer of them, but I wouldn't want the absence of any of them for more polished versions of the others.
These are my children. They are like my fingers. I love and need them all.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Saturday Spambot Selection from 11/11/11
It's Spambot Saturday. Join in. Look at your spambox for a comment you would otherwise delete and then repost the piece it was attached to on your blog.
This lovely trip down memory lane is courtesy of some company that thinks this blog really tackled a difficult subject in a very creative way and thinks you might like their blog too. You might, but I'm not giving free advertisement. Link up in the comment section if you want to share. Enjoy the leftovers spam free.
Half a Duggar
You knew I was going to have to talk about this sometime didn't you?
As a mom of ten, I've heard the quips, the canards, the snipes, the snips, the ungenerous critiques and legitimate concerns about the Duggar family from the time they started making the news circuit with their 16th child with a name starting with the letter "J" long before they became part of the TLC lineup. I've been asked, "Trying to out do the Duggars? Trying to be like the Duggars? Ever watch them?"
Until this week, I hadn't and wouldn't be able to pick them out in a lineup but for the numbers. Being a mom of half a whole Duggar clan, I'm not so foolish as to not know that those uncharitable thinkings could easily be about me. I don't have a tv show, but I do have a blog and invite people to read about some of the stories of our lives by my words and thus open us to the searing scrutiny of anyone who decides we are worth their time.
So I made myself sit down and watch. Admittedly, some of my kids were fascinated. Maybe because I'd had ten, my sense of proportion is skewed, but I did not feel overwhelmed by their lives. I'd read all the "It's selfish! They're wrong and should be isolated/its child abuse rants" with the news of this new baby. I expected to feel the chaos and irritation. I didn't.
It seems that because the Duggars have a tv show, they are fodder and fair game for all armchair quarterbacking of their lives no matter how uncharitable, untruthful or ill tempered. They're a cult. They're publicity hounds. They're pimping out their kids. They're wierd. They're irresponsible to the Earth and their children. How can they raise all those children? They're just in it for the money. He's a repressive oppressive individual who keeps his wife and girls down. She's too submissive, too stupid, brainwashed...insert insult here. The kids will be warped for life...
Concern: The kids are being repressed.
One day, they'll find out how isolated they were and see how uneducated and stiffled in creativity they were. I read this in multiple com boxes that followed articles about the Duggar's new addition. The kids are uneducated and stiffled and will one day rebel and they can't reach their true potential..really? I saw kids doing their homework and playing the violin, engaged in public speaking to peers, playing a game with donuts, sports, being kids. But maybe I needed to see a different episode.
Concern: It's wrong to make the older kids help with the younger ones.
In a world where we believe we are all entitled to be 24-7 self stimming, I can see how instilling the idea that you are your brother's keeper might clash with modern thinking. The show is edited so I don't know how much of what is said and shown is real reality. But I do have a question for those who bash the Duggars on this point. Why is arm chair parenting so vitriolic when it comes to the Duggars and accepting when it comes to people like Snookie from Jersey Shore? We want a world of Snookies? of self involved stupid opulent hedonists? as opposed to people who live debt free, care for each other and have basic skills --oil changing the car, carpentry and sewing, that most of us have long since abandoned or never learned.
Concern: It is unsafe for the mom.
Having had a few difficult pregnancies, I can understand the worry about the mom given her last go around. However most of the criticism on this point is couched in a sheer fury that the couple would allow themselves to become pregnant again painted in the veneer that she (the mom) could die and the child could be handicapped. These same people would be equally smug and self congratulatory if she does struggle and there are complications. Call it preemptive rage. They hated her before they had a reason. The newest baby just reminds them, they hated her.
Presumably, her OBGYN will keep in mind her past history and make adjustments. Morals and values don't change because life gets hard, they get abandoned because people want to stop trying. To my way of thinking, they made a commitment to each other, to life, and to not using birth control methods that 90% of the population have decided is a necessity of adult life to prevent live children. It seems to me, the Duggars are living that out. If our society is really pro-choice, it shouldn't have a problem with this personal decision. If our society is really pro-life, it should also, not have animosity towards this couple. It has gone from it's their choice to if you can afford them to how dare you? In truth, it was always, how dare you! I hope for all of them, that this is a healthy baby and the pregnancy goes well.
Concern: Overpopulation and Unfair use of the Earth's Resources:
7 Billion people...7 Billion. Begin screaming! Cry! Duck and Cover! Start canning the tomatoes...wait, we might need to ask someone to teach us how to can...start dying now so that the earth can survive! So...should we just tell every woman that discovers she's expecting that the Duggars used up the last slot on Earth and they're out of luck? Pro-choice for me but not for thee? Celebrate and promote war so we can decrease the surplus population to unburden Gaia? That was the gods' solution in the Trojan war, when mankind had grown too numerous. The Duggars are not the end of civilization. Snookie just might seem like she should be.
Concern: Too Many to Love:
In our contraceptive culture, our hearts are becoming ever smaller. We do not understand how one could love more, because we can scarcely tolerate ourselves. We cannot imagine loving a handicapped child. We cannot imagine a handicapped child being happy to exist. We cannot imagine that children in a large family will be real, will be accomplished, will be normal, will feel loved. It's an odd thing that we think so much of individuality as a society, but want so much to fit in to a larger group that loves us for who we are...isn't that the definition of family? But on a practical note: if it takes a village to raise a child, then why would not supplying your own village in your own home be an effective manner of doing just this without the pesky need for ordinances or a commute?
Concern: It's Not Normal:
Being a mom of many, I've run across what I call whispers of joys remembered. A teacher, almost in a hushed voice will tell me, she's one of 7 and so is her husband. A chef who became a chef because his job was to cook, is one of 13. It wasn't so beyond us as a people, as nations, when we didn't think of women's fertility as something to manage and repress.
My dad was one of nine. He and his brothers and sisters went to college and in many cases, beyond to earn secondary impressive degrees. One of my good friends was one of 11 and again, all are educated, survived childhood unscathed by the experience and live productive meaningful lives. A cousin's spouse was one of 18. They were all kind, college educated and each helped the next get their degree so that in a single generation, they all became part of the middle class and beyond. It's possible, it simply requires that those involved, knuckle down to the business of doing --which they did. To me, this is what the Duggars are doing. They have learned how to market their existence into income without becoming excessively attached to wealth a'laJohn and Kate plus 8.
Based on the fact that this is apparently season 4, the Duggars consistently live this out well enough to get paid for it and make it look possible. In answer to "It's not normal." It is unusual. It is however historically, closer to normal than what now passes for normal. And saying something isn't what everyone else is doing, isn't a criticism, it's a complaint, that they aren't doing what everyone else is doing.
Concern: They Aren't Good Parents:
One or ten or twenty, it is never the number that determines if we are good parents. One dollar or 40 billion dollars, it is not money that determines if a family is whole and well. Consistency, discipline, love, attention, hearing and meeting their needs, challenging them, taking care of them: these are the hallmarks of a healthy parent child relationship. CPS would be in there like white on rice if the show indicated abuse or neglect. Cursory looks indicate happiness ergo, I'm going to say this one goes to the Duggars unless contrary evidence is revealed.
Concern: Using show/kids to make money:
The Duggars had 16 before they had a show that made money. They were debt free then. Kind of undercuts the argument. But then, I'd also say, given that studies indicate we can't afford children unless we've somehow won the lottery or been one of those Wallstreet fatcats that made money even when the stock market went down, wouldn't they be foolish not to agree to a show that would finance their family's needs. ***(Cue irony alert to those who think these folks are stupid)***
Besides, Americans have always loved their big family shows: Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, The Partrige Family...the Cosby Show...so fantasy comedy shows about having large families is fine, but reality isn't okay? They use the show to make money. Granted I wouldn't want a camera in my family's face 24-7 but hey, I'd love to use this blog to make money. I'd love to be paid to write. So it seems to me this is a jealousy argument, married to envy that it's hard to pitch a show that can top them if you're going for numbers.
Concern: They Can't Afford This Many
19 was fine but 20....well....isn't that's why they have the show?
There are a lot of articles out there that indicate children cost more than a NASA start up program.
With estimates ranging between a quarter and half a million dollars if your offspring are smart and/or talented and even more if they want advanced degrees, as the saying goes, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
The deeper and better the gene pool, the more income required apparently. So I've determined that my children are priceless beyond compare as two are in school while two sit here painting, two are napping, two playing video games and one reading and one writing a report on the computer. Yes, there isn't enough money in the world to finance their true potentials in all circumstances to become the burnished gold Olympic calibre intellects, creative minds and athletes they could be if only we were more responsible loving people. If money were the measure.
Thank God it isn't. As for the Duggars, I thought people were mad that they were getting rich off their kids. But if they have this many, don't they need the money, so isn't it good they're earning it?I'm confused.
Am I Going to Watch the Show Now that I've Done My Duggar Apologist Best?
No. Wasn't interested. My life is full enough and if I see someone with more kids who is organized and whose house is clean, it's going to depress or guilt me into folding. I don't watch TV to be nagged into working, I watch to escape the internal nag that follows me everywhere. I wish them well.
My ten will have to settle for being captured with words and humor as their stories tickle me. And if someday I become famous and these vignettes become part of popular culture and people accuse me of using my kids stories to generate wealth...I'll tell them, "Yes, and I earned every penny."
This lovely trip down memory lane is courtesy of some company that thinks this blog really tackled a difficult subject in a very creative way and thinks you might like their blog too. You might, but I'm not giving free advertisement. Link up in the comment section if you want to share. Enjoy the leftovers spam free.
Half a Duggar
You knew I was going to have to talk about this sometime didn't you?
As a mom of ten, I've heard the quips, the canards, the snipes, the snips, the ungenerous critiques and legitimate concerns about the Duggar family from the time they started making the news circuit with their 16th child with a name starting with the letter "J" long before they became part of the TLC lineup. I've been asked, "Trying to out do the Duggars? Trying to be like the Duggars? Ever watch them?"
Until this week, I hadn't and wouldn't be able to pick them out in a lineup but for the numbers. Being a mom of half a whole Duggar clan, I'm not so foolish as to not know that those uncharitable thinkings could easily be about me. I don't have a tv show, but I do have a blog and invite people to read about some of the stories of our lives by my words and thus open us to the searing scrutiny of anyone who decides we are worth their time.
So I made myself sit down and watch. Admittedly, some of my kids were fascinated. Maybe because I'd had ten, my sense of proportion is skewed, but I did not feel overwhelmed by their lives. I'd read all the "It's selfish! They're wrong and should be isolated/its child abuse rants" with the news of this new baby. I expected to feel the chaos and irritation. I didn't.
It seems that because the Duggars have a tv show, they are fodder and fair game for all armchair quarterbacking of their lives no matter how uncharitable, untruthful or ill tempered. They're a cult. They're publicity hounds. They're pimping out their kids. They're wierd. They're irresponsible to the Earth and their children. How can they raise all those children? They're just in it for the money. He's a repressive oppressive individual who keeps his wife and girls down. She's too submissive, too stupid, brainwashed...insert insult here. The kids will be warped for life...
Concern: The kids are being repressed.
One day, they'll find out how isolated they were and see how uneducated and stiffled in creativity they were. I read this in multiple com boxes that followed articles about the Duggar's new addition. The kids are uneducated and stiffled and will one day rebel and they can't reach their true potential..really? I saw kids doing their homework and playing the violin, engaged in public speaking to peers, playing a game with donuts, sports, being kids. But maybe I needed to see a different episode.
Concern: It's wrong to make the older kids help with the younger ones.
In a world where we believe we are all entitled to be 24-7 self stimming, I can see how instilling the idea that you are your brother's keeper might clash with modern thinking. The show is edited so I don't know how much of what is said and shown is real reality. But I do have a question for those who bash the Duggars on this point. Why is arm chair parenting so vitriolic when it comes to the Duggars and accepting when it comes to people like Snookie from Jersey Shore? We want a world of Snookies? of self involved stupid opulent hedonists? as opposed to people who live debt free, care for each other and have basic skills --oil changing the car, carpentry and sewing, that most of us have long since abandoned or never learned.
Concern: It is unsafe for the mom.
Having had a few difficult pregnancies, I can understand the worry about the mom given her last go around. However most of the criticism on this point is couched in a sheer fury that the couple would allow themselves to become pregnant again painted in the veneer that she (the mom) could die and the child could be handicapped. These same people would be equally smug and self congratulatory if she does struggle and there are complications. Call it preemptive rage. They hated her before they had a reason. The newest baby just reminds them, they hated her.
Presumably, her OBGYN will keep in mind her past history and make adjustments. Morals and values don't change because life gets hard, they get abandoned because people want to stop trying. To my way of thinking, they made a commitment to each other, to life, and to not using birth control methods that 90% of the population have decided is a necessity of adult life to prevent live children. It seems to me, the Duggars are living that out. If our society is really pro-choice, it shouldn't have a problem with this personal decision. If our society is really pro-life, it should also, not have animosity towards this couple. It has gone from it's their choice to if you can afford them to how dare you? In truth, it was always, how dare you! I hope for all of them, that this is a healthy baby and the pregnancy goes well.
Concern: Overpopulation and Unfair use of the Earth's Resources:
7 Billion people...7 Billion. Begin screaming! Cry! Duck and Cover! Start canning the tomatoes...wait, we might need to ask someone to teach us how to can...start dying now so that the earth can survive! So...should we just tell every woman that discovers she's expecting that the Duggars used up the last slot on Earth and they're out of luck? Pro-choice for me but not for thee? Celebrate and promote war so we can decrease the surplus population to unburden Gaia? That was the gods' solution in the Trojan war, when mankind had grown too numerous. The Duggars are not the end of civilization. Snookie just might seem like she should be.
Concern: Too Many to Love:
In our contraceptive culture, our hearts are becoming ever smaller. We do not understand how one could love more, because we can scarcely tolerate ourselves. We cannot imagine loving a handicapped child. We cannot imagine a handicapped child being happy to exist. We cannot imagine that children in a large family will be real, will be accomplished, will be normal, will feel loved. It's an odd thing that we think so much of individuality as a society, but want so much to fit in to a larger group that loves us for who we are...isn't that the definition of family? But on a practical note: if it takes a village to raise a child, then why would not supplying your own village in your own home be an effective manner of doing just this without the pesky need for ordinances or a commute?
Concern: It's Not Normal:
Being a mom of many, I've run across what I call whispers of joys remembered. A teacher, almost in a hushed voice will tell me, she's one of 7 and so is her husband. A chef who became a chef because his job was to cook, is one of 13. It wasn't so beyond us as a people, as nations, when we didn't think of women's fertility as something to manage and repress.
My dad was one of nine. He and his brothers and sisters went to college and in many cases, beyond to earn secondary impressive degrees. One of my good friends was one of 11 and again, all are educated, survived childhood unscathed by the experience and live productive meaningful lives. A cousin's spouse was one of 18. They were all kind, college educated and each helped the next get their degree so that in a single generation, they all became part of the middle class and beyond. It's possible, it simply requires that those involved, knuckle down to the business of doing --which they did. To me, this is what the Duggars are doing. They have learned how to market their existence into income without becoming excessively attached to wealth a'la
Based on the fact that this is apparently season 4, the Duggars consistently live this out well enough to get paid for it and make it look possible. In answer to "It's not normal." It is unusual. It is however historically, closer to normal than what now passes for normal. And saying something isn't what everyone else is doing, isn't a criticism, it's a complaint, that they aren't doing what everyone else is doing.
Concern: They Aren't Good Parents:
One or ten or twenty, it is never the number that determines if we are good parents. One dollar or 40 billion dollars, it is not money that determines if a family is whole and well. Consistency, discipline, love, attention, hearing and meeting their needs, challenging them, taking care of them: these are the hallmarks of a healthy parent child relationship. CPS would be in there like white on rice if the show indicated abuse or neglect. Cursory looks indicate happiness ergo, I'm going to say this one goes to the Duggars unless contrary evidence is revealed.
Concern: Using show/kids to make money:
The Duggars had 16 before they had a show that made money. They were debt free then. Kind of undercuts the argument. But then, I'd also say, given that studies indicate we can't afford children unless we've somehow won the lottery or been one of those Wallstreet fatcats that made money even when the stock market went down, wouldn't they be foolish not to agree to a show that would finance their family's needs. ***(Cue irony alert to those who think these folks are stupid)***
Besides, Americans have always loved their big family shows: Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, The Partrige Family...the Cosby Show...so fantasy comedy shows about having large families is fine, but reality isn't okay? They use the show to make money. Granted I wouldn't want a camera in my family's face 24-7 but hey, I'd love to use this blog to make money. I'd love to be paid to write. So it seems to me this is a jealousy argument, married to envy that it's hard to pitch a show that can top them if you're going for numbers.
Concern: They Can't Afford This Many
19 was fine but 20....well....isn't that's why they have the show?
There are a lot of articles out there that indicate children cost more than a NASA start up program.
With estimates ranging between a quarter and half a million dollars if your offspring are smart and/or talented and even more if they want advanced degrees, as the saying goes, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
The deeper and better the gene pool, the more income required apparently. So I've determined that my children are priceless beyond compare as two are in school while two sit here painting, two are napping, two playing video games and one reading and one writing a report on the computer. Yes, there isn't enough money in the world to finance their true potentials in all circumstances to become the burnished gold Olympic calibre intellects, creative minds and athletes they could be if only we were more responsible loving people. If money were the measure.
Thank God it isn't. As for the Duggars, I thought people were mad that they were getting rich off their kids. But if they have this many, don't they need the money, so isn't it good they're earning it?I'm confused.
Am I Going to Watch the Show Now that I've Done My Duggar Apologist Best?
No. Wasn't interested. My life is full enough and if I see someone with more kids who is organized and whose house is clean, it's going to depress or guilt me into folding. I don't watch TV to be nagged into working, I watch to escape the internal nag that follows me everywhere. I wish them well.
My ten will have to settle for being captured with words and humor as their stories tickle me. And if someday I become famous and these vignettes become part of popular culture and people accuse me of using my kids stories to generate wealth...I'll tell them, "Yes, and I earned every penny."
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Are You Crazy?
It doesn't bother me when people ask about our having a large family, but I've never quite known how to gracefully answer the question, "Are you Crazy?" Mostly because I like being a bit flippant and saying, "A bit, yes." It throws them off.
But there is a real answer to that question because I understand what they are really asking. They see the dollars, the size, the weight, the laundry, the homework, the schedule, the everything. I don't blame them. Absent the actual experience, I'd be scared too. I learned about 4 children ago not to think about the loads or the work or to call it difficult, not because it wasn't the reality, but because calling it thus poisoned my spiritual well and made doing the labors involved in serving these people much harder. So I tell myself, this is simply what is required. It is baseline. And whenever it gets to be too much, I know it is time to focus on individuals, rather than groups. When I do this, I resee my own children as the ages they are, the stages they are, the individuals they are and I get stories.
For example:
Two days ago I took my youngest son shoe shopping. We were in desperate need of new tennies. I'd been rather bland about it, picking out some solid blue with Velcro straps. My 4 year old walked over to the display and pointed at the Spider Man and Iron Man sneakers. The eyes of Spiderman light up. You can guess what we wound up buying.
Yesterday my third grader son proved that we made the right call in enrolling him in Cub Scouts. He wore his uniform for school picture.
This morning I brought donuts to my children since they would have to have a morning babysitting as my middle son had baseball and my husband was at work. I'd thought that I ordered every one's favorite, including two plain glazed for the youngest two to eat. When my 20 month old saw the other non plain options, she spiked her boring donut on the floor and reached out very definitively to select her own, a frosted vanilla pastry with sprinkles.
My teen got asked to homecoming in the following fashion. A boy ran up to her in the lobby of her high school. "Do you want to go to homecoming with me? I'm a freshman. I'm 15." She said yes. He said "Great, see you there!" and left. She does not know his name.
My kindergartner went to a birthday party today. She knew it started at 2:30. So at 1, she started staring at the clock. "Change clock! When are you going to change? It changed Mommy! It now says 1:04. Is it time now to go?" This went on minute by minute until she was distracted by the need to wrap the present.
I love these sorts of little stories that bubble up in the process of living. I also love that they are all as unique and singular as the individuals in them. Part of why we have all these stories is we have all these characters and the interplay and weaving of their thoughts and talents and interests and even their flaws make for the ebb, flow, drama and grace of raising a family.
They may be work. They may need a lot (and they do), but they also create a lot of memories. The labor is a service and all service is love. So the next time someone asks me, "Are you crazy trying to raise that many?" when they hear I have ten kids, I'm going to say, "I'd be crazy not to." Then' I'll add, "but a touch a crazy helps too."
But there is a real answer to that question because I understand what they are really asking. They see the dollars, the size, the weight, the laundry, the homework, the schedule, the everything. I don't blame them. Absent the actual experience, I'd be scared too. I learned about 4 children ago not to think about the loads or the work or to call it difficult, not because it wasn't the reality, but because calling it thus poisoned my spiritual well and made doing the labors involved in serving these people much harder. So I tell myself, this is simply what is required. It is baseline. And whenever it gets to be too much, I know it is time to focus on individuals, rather than groups. When I do this, I resee my own children as the ages they are, the stages they are, the individuals they are and I get stories.
For example:
Two days ago I took my youngest son shoe shopping. We were in desperate need of new tennies. I'd been rather bland about it, picking out some solid blue with Velcro straps. My 4 year old walked over to the display and pointed at the Spider Man and Iron Man sneakers. The eyes of Spiderman light up. You can guess what we wound up buying.
Yesterday my third grader son proved that we made the right call in enrolling him in Cub Scouts. He wore his uniform for school picture.
This morning I brought donuts to my children since they would have to have a morning babysitting as my middle son had baseball and my husband was at work. I'd thought that I ordered every one's favorite, including two plain glazed for the youngest two to eat. When my 20 month old saw the other non plain options, she spiked her boring donut on the floor and reached out very definitively to select her own, a frosted vanilla pastry with sprinkles.
My teen got asked to homecoming in the following fashion. A boy ran up to her in the lobby of her high school. "Do you want to go to homecoming with me? I'm a freshman. I'm 15." She said yes. He said "Great, see you there!" and left. She does not know his name.
My kindergartner went to a birthday party today. She knew it started at 2:30. So at 1, she started staring at the clock. "Change clock! When are you going to change? It changed Mommy! It now says 1:04. Is it time now to go?" This went on minute by minute until she was distracted by the need to wrap the present.
I love these sorts of little stories that bubble up in the process of living. I also love that they are all as unique and singular as the individuals in them. Part of why we have all these stories is we have all these characters and the interplay and weaving of their thoughts and talents and interests and even their flaws make for the ebb, flow, drama and grace of raising a family.
They may be work. They may need a lot (and they do), but they also create a lot of memories. The labor is a service and all service is love. So the next time someone asks me, "Are you crazy trying to raise that many?" when they hear I have ten kids, I'm going to say, "I'd be crazy not to." Then' I'll add, "but a touch a crazy helps too."
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Why You Have to Do Your Homework
10) Because some day, you will have to help your munchkins with their homework and it's frankly embarrasing to have to google the formula for finding the area of an obtuse triangle. I did it. No I'm not sharing. You'll have to google too. See. You should have studied more.
9) It doesn't matter that you're not supposed to live out your life vicariously through your children, every A feels like a victory, every grade below a B- smells more and more like the socks you haven't washed.
8) That book I blew off back in fifth grade? It's the summer reading assignment. I will spend the next three months trying to explain how good this tome is...that I didn't read then...I will wind up reading it. So you. Do it now! It will save time.
7) There will be a test. Just saying.
6) Mom will be unhappy. You wouldn't like Mom when she's unhappy.
5) If you skip the assignments, you get to do the dishes. You are part of a family of 12. By my calculations, you will have 60 dishes plus the pots and pans. Now...which do you think takes longer, math or the dishes? Which do you prefer?
4) This is one of those life lessons. Mom can lecture or you can just accept it...cueing up boring lecture in 5....4....3....2....see, life lesson learned!
3) If you don't do it, your sisters that are in lower grades will catch up. They might even lap you. Oh girls...
2) The TV, Computer, Wii, and all screens will not gain power and be able to work until you do. I changed the codes.
1) Because I said so.
9) It doesn't matter that you're not supposed to live out your life vicariously through your children, every A feels like a victory, every grade below a B- smells more and more like the socks you haven't washed.
8) That book I blew off back in fifth grade? It's the summer reading assignment. I will spend the next three months trying to explain how good this tome is...that I didn't read then...I will wind up reading it. So you. Do it now! It will save time.
7) There will be a test. Just saying.
6) Mom will be unhappy. You wouldn't like Mom when she's unhappy.
5) If you skip the assignments, you get to do the dishes. You are part of a family of 12. By my calculations, you will have 60 dishes plus the pots and pans. Now...which do you think takes longer, math or the dishes? Which do you prefer?
4) This is one of those life lessons. Mom can lecture or you can just accept it...cueing up boring lecture in 5....4....3....2....see, life lesson learned!
3) If you don't do it, your sisters that are in lower grades will catch up. They might even lap you. Oh girls...
2) The TV, Computer, Wii, and all screens will not gain power and be able to work until you do. I changed the codes.
1) Because I said so.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Half a Duggar
You knew I was going to have to talk about this sometime didn't you?
As a mom of ten, I've heard the quips, the canards, the snipes, the snips, the ungenerous critiques and legitimate concerns about the Duggar family from the time they started making the news circuit with their 16th child with a name starting with the letter "J" long before they became part of the TLC lineup. I've been asked, "Trying to out do the Duggars? Trying to be like the Duggars? Ever watch them?"
Until this week, I hadn't and wouldn't be able to pick them out in a lineup but for the numbers. Being a mom of half a whole Duggar clan, I'm not so foolish as to not know that those uncharitable thinkings could easily be about me. I don't have a tv show, but I do have a blog and invite people to read about some of the stories of our lives by my words and thus open us to the searing scrutiny of anyone who decides we are worth their time.
So I made myself sit down and watch. Admittedly, some of my kids were fascinated. Maybe because I'd had ten, my sense of proportion is skewed, but I did not feel overwhelmed by their lives. I'd read all the "It's selfish! They're wrong and should be isolated/its child abuse rants" with the news of this new baby. I expected to feel the chaos and irritation. I didn't.
It seems that because the Duggars have a tv show, they are fodder and fair game for all armchair quarterbacking of their lives no matter how uncharitable, untruthful or ill tempered. They're a cult. They're publicity hounds. They're pimping out their kids. They're wierd. They're irresponsible to the Earth and their children. How can they raise all those children? They're just in it for the money. He's a repressive oppressive individual who keeps his wife and girls down. She's too submissive, too stupid, brainwashed...insert insult here. The kids will be warped for life...
Concern: The kids are being repressed.
One day, they'll find out how isolated they were and see how uneducated and stiffled in creativity they were. I read this in multiple com boxes that followed articles about the Duggar's new addition. The kids are uneducated and stiffled and will one day rebel and they can't reach their true potential..really? I saw kids doing their homework and playing the violin, engaged in public speaking to peers, playing a game with donuts, sports, being kids. But maybe I needed to see a different episode.
Concern: It's wrong to make the older kids help with the younger ones.
In a world where we believe we are all entitled to be 24-7 self stimming, I can see how instilling the idea that you are your brother's keeper might clash with modern thinking. The show is edited so I don't know how much of what is said and shown is real reality. But I do have a question for those who bash the Duggars on this point. Why is arm chair parenting so vitriolic when it comes to the Duggars and accepting when it comes to people like Snookie from Jersey Shore. We want a world of Snookies? of self involved stupid opulent hedonists? as opposed to people who live debt free, care for each other and have basic skills --oil changing the car, carpentry and sewing, that most of us have long since abandoned or never learned.
Concern: It is unsafe for the mom.
Having had a few difficult pregnancies, I can understand the worry about the mom given her last go around. However most of the criticism on this point is couched in a sheer fury that the couple would allow themselves to become pregnant again painted in the veneer that she (the mom) could die and the child could be handicapped. These same people would be equally smug and self congratulatory if she does struggle and there are complications. Call it preemptive rage. They hated her before they had a reason. The newest baby just reminds them, they hated her.
Presumably, her OBGYN will keep in mind her past history and make adjustments. Morals and values don't change because life gets hard, they get abandoned because people want to stop trying. To my way of thinking, they made a commitment to each other, to life, and to not using birth control methods that 90% of the population have decided is a necessity of adult life to prevent live children. It seems to me, the Duggars are living that out. If our society is really pro-choice, it shouldn't have a problem with this personal decision. If our society is really pro-life, it should also, not have animosity towards this couple. It has gone from it's their choice to if you can afford them to how dare you? In truth, it was always, how dare you! I hope for all of them, that this is a healthy baby and the pregnancy goes well.
Concern: Overpopulation and Unfair use of the Earth's Resources:
7 Billion people...7 Billion. Begin screaming! Cry! Duck and Cover! Start canning the tomatoes...wait, we might need to ask someone to teach us how to can...start dying now so that the earth can survive! So...should we just tell every woman that discovers she's expecting that the Duggars used up the last slot on Earth and they're out of luck? Pro-choice for me but not for thee? Celebrate and promote war so we can decrease the surplus population to unburden Gaia? That was the gods' solution in the Trojan war, when mankind had grown too numerous. The Duggars are not the end of civilization.
Concern: Too Many to Love:
In our contraceptive culture, our hearts are becoming ever smaller. We do not understand how one could love more, because we can scarcely tolerate ourselves. We cannot imagine loving a handicapped child. We cannot imagine a handicapped child being happy to exist. We cannot imagine that children in a large family will be real, will be accomplished, will be normal, will feel loved. It's an odd thing that we think so much of individuality as a society, but want so much to fit in to a larger group that loves us for who we are...isn't that the definition of family? But on a practical note: if it takes a village to raise a child, then why would not supplying your own village in your own home be an effective manner of doing just this without the pesky need for ordinances or a commute?
Concern: It's Not Normal:
Being a mom of many, I've run across what I call whispers of joys remembered. A teacher, almost in a hushed voice will tell me, she's one of 7 and so is her husband. A chef who became a chef because his job was to cook, is one of 13. It wasn't so beyond us as a people, as nations, when we didn't think of women's fertility as something to manage and repress.
My dad was one of nine. He and his brothers and sisters went to college and in many cases, beyond to earn secondary impressive degrees. One of my good friends was one of 11 and again, all are educated, survived childhood unscathed by the experience and live productive meaningful lives. A cousin's spouse was one of 18. They were all kind, college educated and each helped the next get their degree so that in a single generation, they all became part of the middle class and beyond. It's possible, it simply requires that those involved, knuckle down to the business of doing --which they did. To me, this is what the Duggars are doing. They have learned how to market their existence into income without becoming excessively attached to wealth a'laJohn and Kate plus 8.
Based on the fact that this is apparently season 4, the Duggars consistently live this out well enough to get paid for it and make it look possible. In answer to "It's not normal." It is unusual. It is however historically, closer to normal than what now passes for normal. And saying something isn't what everyone else is doing, isn't a criticism, it's a complaint, that they aren't doing what everyone else is doing.
Concern: They Aren't Good Parents:
One or ten or twenty, it is never the number that determines if we are good parents. One dollar or 40 billion dollars, it is not money that determines if a family is whole and well. Consistency, discipline, love, attention, hearing and meeting their needs, challenging them, taking care of them: these are the hallmarks of a healthy parent child relationship. CPS would be in there like white on rice if the show indicated abuse or neglect. Cursory looks indicate happiness ergo, I'm going to say this one goes to the Duggars unless contrary evidence is revealed.
Concern: Using show/kids to make money:
The Duggars had 16 before they had a show that made money. They were debt free then. Kind of undercuts the argument. But then, I'd also say, given that studies indicate we can't afford children unless we've somehow won the lottery or been one of those Wallstreet fatcats that made money even when the stock market went down, wouldn't they be foolish not to agree to a show that would finance their family's needs. ***(Cue irony alert to those who think these folks are stupid)***
Besides, Americans have always loved their big family shows: Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, The Partrige Family...the Cosby Show...so fantasy comedy shows about having large families is fine, but reality isn't okay? They use the show to make money. Granted I wouldn't want a camera in my family's face 24-7 but hey, I'd love to use this blog to make money. I'd love to be paid to write. So it seems to me this is a jealousy argument, married to envy that it's hard to pitch a show that can top them if you're going for numbers.
Concern: They Can't Afford This Many
19 was fine but 20....well....isn't that's why they have the show?
There are a lot of articles out there that indicate children cost more than a NASA start up program.
With estimates ranging between a quarter and half a million dollars if your offspring are smart and/or talented and even more if they want advanced degrees, as the saying goes, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
The deeper and better the gene pool, the more income required apparently. So I've determined that my children are priceless beyond compare as two are in school while two sit here painting, two are napping, two playing video games and one reading and one writing a report on the computer. Yes, there isn't enough money in the world to finance their true potentials in all circumstances to become the burnished gold Olympic calibre intellects, creative minds and athletes they could be if only we were more responsible loving people. If money were the measure.
Thank God it isn't. As for the Duggars, I thought people were mad that they were getting rich off their kids. Which is it?
Am I Going to Watch the Show Now that I've Done My Duggar Apologist Best?
No. Wasn't interested. My life is full enough and if I see someone with more kids who is organized and whose house is clean, it's going to depress or guilt me into folding. I don't watch TV to be nagged into working, I watch to escape the internal nag that follows me everywhere. I wish them well.
My ten will have to settle for being captured with words and humor as their stories tickle me. And if someday I become famous and these vignettes become part of popular culture and people accuse me of using my kids stories to generate wealth...I'll tell them, "Yes, and I earned every penny."
As a mom of ten, I've heard the quips, the canards, the snipes, the snips, the ungenerous critiques and legitimate concerns about the Duggar family from the time they started making the news circuit with their 16th child with a name starting with the letter "J" long before they became part of the TLC lineup. I've been asked, "Trying to out do the Duggars? Trying to be like the Duggars? Ever watch them?"
Until this week, I hadn't and wouldn't be able to pick them out in a lineup but for the numbers. Being a mom of half a whole Duggar clan, I'm not so foolish as to not know that those uncharitable thinkings could easily be about me. I don't have a tv show, but I do have a blog and invite people to read about some of the stories of our lives by my words and thus open us to the searing scrutiny of anyone who decides we are worth their time.
So I made myself sit down and watch. Admittedly, some of my kids were fascinated. Maybe because I'd had ten, my sense of proportion is skewed, but I did not feel overwhelmed by their lives. I'd read all the "It's selfish! They're wrong and should be isolated/its child abuse rants" with the news of this new baby. I expected to feel the chaos and irritation. I didn't.
It seems that because the Duggars have a tv show, they are fodder and fair game for all armchair quarterbacking of their lives no matter how uncharitable, untruthful or ill tempered. They're a cult. They're publicity hounds. They're pimping out their kids. They're wierd. They're irresponsible to the Earth and their children. How can they raise all those children? They're just in it for the money. He's a repressive oppressive individual who keeps his wife and girls down. She's too submissive, too stupid, brainwashed...insert insult here. The kids will be warped for life...
Concern: The kids are being repressed.
One day, they'll find out how isolated they were and see how uneducated and stiffled in creativity they were. I read this in multiple com boxes that followed articles about the Duggar's new addition. The kids are uneducated and stiffled and will one day rebel and they can't reach their true potential..really? I saw kids doing their homework and playing the violin, engaged in public speaking to peers, playing a game with donuts, sports, being kids. But maybe I needed to see a different episode.
Concern: It's wrong to make the older kids help with the younger ones.
In a world where we believe we are all entitled to be 24-7 self stimming, I can see how instilling the idea that you are your brother's keeper might clash with modern thinking. The show is edited so I don't know how much of what is said and shown is real reality. But I do have a question for those who bash the Duggars on this point. Why is arm chair parenting so vitriolic when it comes to the Duggars and accepting when it comes to people like Snookie from Jersey Shore. We want a world of Snookies? of self involved stupid opulent hedonists? as opposed to people who live debt free, care for each other and have basic skills --oil changing the car, carpentry and sewing, that most of us have long since abandoned or never learned.
Concern: It is unsafe for the mom.
Having had a few difficult pregnancies, I can understand the worry about the mom given her last go around. However most of the criticism on this point is couched in a sheer fury that the couple would allow themselves to become pregnant again painted in the veneer that she (the mom) could die and the child could be handicapped. These same people would be equally smug and self congratulatory if she does struggle and there are complications. Call it preemptive rage. They hated her before they had a reason. The newest baby just reminds them, they hated her.
Presumably, her OBGYN will keep in mind her past history and make adjustments. Morals and values don't change because life gets hard, they get abandoned because people want to stop trying. To my way of thinking, they made a commitment to each other, to life, and to not using birth control methods that 90% of the population have decided is a necessity of adult life to prevent live children. It seems to me, the Duggars are living that out. If our society is really pro-choice, it shouldn't have a problem with this personal decision. If our society is really pro-life, it should also, not have animosity towards this couple. It has gone from it's their choice to if you can afford them to how dare you? In truth, it was always, how dare you! I hope for all of them, that this is a healthy baby and the pregnancy goes well.
Concern: Overpopulation and Unfair use of the Earth's Resources:
7 Billion people...7 Billion. Begin screaming! Cry! Duck and Cover! Start canning the tomatoes...wait, we might need to ask someone to teach us how to can...start dying now so that the earth can survive! So...should we just tell every woman that discovers she's expecting that the Duggars used up the last slot on Earth and they're out of luck? Pro-choice for me but not for thee? Celebrate and promote war so we can decrease the surplus population to unburden Gaia? That was the gods' solution in the Trojan war, when mankind had grown too numerous. The Duggars are not the end of civilization.
Concern: Too Many to Love:
In our contraceptive culture, our hearts are becoming ever smaller. We do not understand how one could love more, because we can scarcely tolerate ourselves. We cannot imagine loving a handicapped child. We cannot imagine a handicapped child being happy to exist. We cannot imagine that children in a large family will be real, will be accomplished, will be normal, will feel loved. It's an odd thing that we think so much of individuality as a society, but want so much to fit in to a larger group that loves us for who we are...isn't that the definition of family? But on a practical note: if it takes a village to raise a child, then why would not supplying your own village in your own home be an effective manner of doing just this without the pesky need for ordinances or a commute?
Concern: It's Not Normal:
Being a mom of many, I've run across what I call whispers of joys remembered. A teacher, almost in a hushed voice will tell me, she's one of 7 and so is her husband. A chef who became a chef because his job was to cook, is one of 13. It wasn't so beyond us as a people, as nations, when we didn't think of women's fertility as something to manage and repress.
My dad was one of nine. He and his brothers and sisters went to college and in many cases, beyond to earn secondary impressive degrees. One of my good friends was one of 11 and again, all are educated, survived childhood unscathed by the experience and live productive meaningful lives. A cousin's spouse was one of 18. They were all kind, college educated and each helped the next get their degree so that in a single generation, they all became part of the middle class and beyond. It's possible, it simply requires that those involved, knuckle down to the business of doing --which they did. To me, this is what the Duggars are doing. They have learned how to market their existence into income without becoming excessively attached to wealth a'la
Based on the fact that this is apparently season 4, the Duggars consistently live this out well enough to get paid for it and make it look possible. In answer to "It's not normal." It is unusual. It is however historically, closer to normal than what now passes for normal. And saying something isn't what everyone else is doing, isn't a criticism, it's a complaint, that they aren't doing what everyone else is doing.
Concern: They Aren't Good Parents:
One or ten or twenty, it is never the number that determines if we are good parents. One dollar or 40 billion dollars, it is not money that determines if a family is whole and well. Consistency, discipline, love, attention, hearing and meeting their needs, challenging them, taking care of them: these are the hallmarks of a healthy parent child relationship. CPS would be in there like white on rice if the show indicated abuse or neglect. Cursory looks indicate happiness ergo, I'm going to say this one goes to the Duggars unless contrary evidence is revealed.
Concern: Using show/kids to make money:
The Duggars had 16 before they had a show that made money. They were debt free then. Kind of undercuts the argument. But then, I'd also say, given that studies indicate we can't afford children unless we've somehow won the lottery or been one of those Wallstreet fatcats that made money even when the stock market went down, wouldn't they be foolish not to agree to a show that would finance their family's needs. ***(Cue irony alert to those who think these folks are stupid)***
Besides, Americans have always loved their big family shows: Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, The Partrige Family...the Cosby Show...so fantasy comedy shows about having large families is fine, but reality isn't okay? They use the show to make money. Granted I wouldn't want a camera in my family's face 24-7 but hey, I'd love to use this blog to make money. I'd love to be paid to write. So it seems to me this is a jealousy argument, married to envy that it's hard to pitch a show that can top them if you're going for numbers.
Concern: They Can't Afford This Many
19 was fine but 20....well....isn't that's why they have the show?
There are a lot of articles out there that indicate children cost more than a NASA start up program.
With estimates ranging between a quarter and half a million dollars if your offspring are smart and/or talented and even more if they want advanced degrees, as the saying goes, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
The deeper and better the gene pool, the more income required apparently. So I've determined that my children are priceless beyond compare as two are in school while two sit here painting, two are napping, two playing video games and one reading and one writing a report on the computer. Yes, there isn't enough money in the world to finance their true potentials in all circumstances to become the burnished gold Olympic calibre intellects, creative minds and athletes they could be if only we were more responsible loving people. If money were the measure.
Thank God it isn't. As for the Duggars, I thought people were mad that they were getting rich off their kids. Which is it?
Am I Going to Watch the Show Now that I've Done My Duggar Apologist Best?
No. Wasn't interested. My life is full enough and if I see someone with more kids who is organized and whose house is clean, it's going to depress or guilt me into folding. I don't watch TV to be nagged into working, I watch to escape the internal nag that follows me everywhere. I wish them well.
My ten will have to settle for being captured with words and humor as their stories tickle me. And if someday I become famous and these vignettes become part of popular culture and people accuse me of using my kids stories to generate wealth...I'll tell them, "Yes, and I earned every penny."
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Why We Don't Have a TV show
Every once in a while, when I meet someone new and they learn that I have ten children, they ask, "So why don't you have a television show like the Duggars?"
Most recently, there is a poised polished mother of eight who serves as a spokeswoman for the local Giant grocery store. As such, the question was floated out by one of my own children, "Why isn't that us?"
Why isn't that us? I didn't answer. But I thought about it afterwards.
Why isn't that us?
Ummmm. I'm not that organized?
I don't want to document my parental errors with indisputable film evidence?
Went shopping at Safeway because they have the inside Starbuck's where I can slum and get a hot chocolate?
Currently our kitchen table is covered with pumpkins, a plastic skull, a box of markers, and a shoe.
Visualizing being immortalized cleaning the kitchen with my shop vac. bleah.
TV would add ten extra pounds.
My kids think ketchup IS a vegetable.
We'd have to use the good plates.
The kids need hair cuts.
Not sure I could bribe the finicky eater not to say, "Ewwww! We're eating that?".
The mountain of unsorted socks is a deal killer.
Casual trumpet practicing is still very very very loud.
I'd have to organize the pantry so it looked photogenic.
Three children began chasing each other around the dining room screaming lines from "My Little Pony." and they're all Pinky Pie.
So we will not be doing commercials children. That fig leaf of dignity that the virtual world affords, this blogger intends to keep.
Most recently, there is a poised polished mother of eight who serves as a spokeswoman for the local Giant grocery store. As such, the question was floated out by one of my own children, "Why isn't that us?"
Why isn't that us? I didn't answer. But I thought about it afterwards.
Why isn't that us?
Ummmm. I'm not that organized?
I don't want to document my parental errors with indisputable film evidence?
Went shopping at Safeway because they have the inside Starbuck's where I can slum and get a hot chocolate?
Currently our kitchen table is covered with pumpkins, a plastic skull, a box of markers, and a shoe.
Visualizing being immortalized cleaning the kitchen with my shop vac. bleah.
TV would add ten extra pounds.
My kids think ketchup IS a vegetable.
We'd have to use the good plates.
The kids need hair cuts.
Not sure I could bribe the finicky eater not to say, "Ewwww! We're eating that?".
The mountain of unsorted socks is a deal killer.
Casual trumpet practicing is still very very very loud.
I'd have to organize the pantry so it looked photogenic.
Three children began chasing each other around the dining room screaming lines from "My Little Pony." and they're all Pinky Pie.
So we will not be doing commercials children. That fig leaf of dignity that the virtual world affords, this blogger intends to keep.
Friday, June 3, 2011
You Have a Large Family If...
It's my version of you might be a Redneck.
1) You Might Have a large family IF...the Suburban is the small car.
2) You Might Have a large family if...the only kids who get new clothes are the oldest two of opposite gender.
3) You Might Have a large family if...the ice cream vendor, shoe store and pizza place that had a frequent buyer program had to adjust their wordings to prevent you from collecting every time you visited.
4) if...every time you pull up to the drive thru, there is a chorus of cheers from the staff as their quota for the day has been met.
5) if every time you pull up to the drive thru and there is a new person at the counter, that person faints after the order is given.
6) You Might Have a large family if every time you GO INTO a restaurant...wait...we don't do that.
7) You Might Have a large family if...you are never finished with doing laundry, you've just paused inbetween cycles.
8) You Might Have a large family if...when you get out of the car, it's a parade.
9) You Might Have a large family if...when you get into the car, it's a major victory.
10) You Might Have a large family if..when speaking with your spouse, you divide your children into the sentient, middle triumvirate and non sentient for classification purposes.
11) You might have a large family if...the Catholic school your kids attend has to create a whole new payscale for the per kid discount because of you.
12) If you've ever been asked, "Do you know the Duggars?"
13) If every meal is rather like Thanksgiving...you might have a large family.
14) If diapers have been a staple on your grocery list for more than a decade...you might have a large family.
15) If college tuition will be a staple for more than a decade...you might have a large family.
16) If you get audited because they can't believe you had another kid...you might have a large family.
17) If your insurance calls for the same reason...you might have a large family.
18) If when you schedule appointments for the dentist, the receptionist clears out a whole day for you.
19) If the OBGYN has given you your own personal parking place.
20) If you own the birthday numerical candles and can represent every age from 0 through 1,216 because of prior duplications; you might have a large family.
21) If you've ever fantasized about asking the church if you could have two of their older pews to put in your kitchen at the dinner table to manage seating, you might have a large family.
22) If you clean your kitchen floor three times a day with a shop vac...okay, that just might be wierd me, but you might have a large family.
23) If when your five year old asks, "What's my college plan?" you point to the 18 year old...you might have a large family.
24) If when your eleven year old asks, "What's YOUR retirement plan?" You point to all of them...you might have a large family.
and 25) If you haven't had a life without a toddler in nearly two decades...you might have a large family.
Join in the fun if you have a few suggestions in the combox.
1) You Might Have a large family IF...the Suburban is the small car.
2) You Might Have a large family if...the only kids who get new clothes are the oldest two of opposite gender.
3) You Might Have a large family if...the ice cream vendor, shoe store and pizza place that had a frequent buyer program had to adjust their wordings to prevent you from collecting every time you visited.
4) if...every time you pull up to the drive thru, there is a chorus of cheers from the staff as their quota for the day has been met.
5) if every time you pull up to the drive thru and there is a new person at the counter, that person faints after the order is given.
6) You Might Have a large family if every time you GO INTO a restaurant...wait...we don't do that.
7) You Might Have a large family if...you are never finished with doing laundry, you've just paused inbetween cycles.
8) You Might Have a large family if...when you get out of the car, it's a parade.
9) You Might Have a large family if...when you get into the car, it's a major victory.
10) You Might Have a large family if..when speaking with your spouse, you divide your children into the sentient, middle triumvirate and non sentient for classification purposes.
11) You might have a large family if...the Catholic school your kids attend has to create a whole new payscale for the per kid discount because of you.
12) If you've ever been asked, "Do you know the Duggars?"
13) If every meal is rather like Thanksgiving...you might have a large family.
14) If diapers have been a staple on your grocery list for more than a decade...you might have a large family.
15) If college tuition will be a staple for more than a decade...you might have a large family.
16) If you get audited because they can't believe you had another kid...you might have a large family.
17) If your insurance calls for the same reason...you might have a large family.
18) If when you schedule appointments for the dentist, the receptionist clears out a whole day for you.
19) If the OBGYN has given you your own personal parking place.
20) If you own the birthday numerical candles and can represent every age from 0 through 1,216 because of prior duplications; you might have a large family.
21) If you've ever fantasized about asking the church if you could have two of their older pews to put in your kitchen at the dinner table to manage seating, you might have a large family.
22) If you clean your kitchen floor three times a day with a shop vac...okay, that just might be wierd me, but you might have a large family.
23) If when your five year old asks, "What's my college plan?" you point to the 18 year old...you might have a large family.
24) If when your eleven year old asks, "What's YOUR retirement plan?" You point to all of them...you might have a large family.
and 25) If you haven't had a life without a toddler in nearly two decades...you might have a large family.
Join in the fun if you have a few suggestions in the combox.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Mothering the Sous Chef Way
You know those cooking shows where the smiling perfectly coifed chef whips up four fabulous healthy dishes in 30 minutes? They have a secret. A sous chef.
For those out there who don’t follow cooking shows –I’m a closet addict. Even when we didn’t have cable, when I’d be at a hotel, I watch them in a binge style fashion, trying to digest every tip and dish by channel surfing the Food Network, Every Day with Rachel Ray and whatever chef being showcased on Lifestyle. Between that and repeated watchings of Ratatouille, I learned a sous chef pre-prepares everything for the headlined chef. Measuring salt, cutting chives, defrosting the food, scoring the meat, peeling the garlic, that sort of thing that adds time and usually mess to cooking.
We don’t see a chef pondering…I have frozen sausage, peas, whole wheat pasta which the kids hate, no butter, no milk and we’re out of diet coke. What am I making for dinner?
We don’t see the chef on TV then feebly put the sausage, peas and wheat pasta together with a can of stewed tomatoes to earn universal displeasure. We don’t actually ever see the chefs sit down to eat more than a bite of their creations. Okay, so maybe we do have one thing in common.
I started studying the other Home tip shows and they have the equivalent of sous chefs for everything. When they are showing how to fold laundry better, their dryer is not overstuffed with towels. The load is small, manageable and no happy meal toys are pulled out of a sock melted and molded to the interior. Nothing is accidentally pink. The sous chef of washing and drying must have presorted and ensured that the wash was done before it became the size of a baby mastodon.
When the hosts of “Better TV for Women” kind of shows goes to the grocery store, her cart is organized, neat and does not have six boxes of mac&cheese, frozen waffles and canned pineapple. No. Her cart has shredded cheese, the makings for Swedish filled pancakes and fresh pineapple from Hawaii.
My cart overflows to a second cart. Lodged between the Ragu and the Laundry detergent, 12 pack of paper towels and size six and four and two diapers, there have been reported sightings of actual vegetables and fruits (Carrots, potatoes and bananas) and there is a large vat of ketchup. Her cart has brussel sprouts which will be braised in freshly bought balsamic vinegar with endive. She also has a perky little pint of kumquats for flavor and color and a large gallon size jug of vinegar –for cleaning, but I don’t see any serious supplies like SOS pads or toilet scrubbers.
Mine cost $231.47 and has fish sticks and will feed ten I hope for one week.
Hers has fresh fish, feeds four and will last one night. People who have sous chefs don't do frozen.
Our carts contents cost the same.
She pays in cash if they bother to show her checking out, where as I am the debit master, who then has to opt for a credit card because my debit card has decided it’s not feeling well today and won’t go through.
I want a sous chef life experience where I am the master chef. I want to live unharried, unhurried, unhasselled by undefrosted meats and undeterred by mere minor inconvient truths like picky eaters and budgets.
So starting today, I decided I need an army of sous chefs. I am going to train all my little darlings to be sous chefs in different areas of life and thus I will be the host of my own reality show. “Mothering the Sherry Way” or “Ten Children and How They Sous.”
In my fantasy reality tv show, the Oldest, every day will Sous the garbage in the house by patrolling the cans of the house. He also has the honor of helping with the lawn and providing free babysitting. "It's a sous thing." I'll explain. Next in line shall have the sousing of the bathrooms, wiping the counters and windexing the mirrors, securing toilet paper if necessary. The third shall sous the dishwasher, emptying it before next round of dishes are needed. The fourth shall sous the beds, making them. The fifth shall sous the kitchen floor with a vacuum. The youngest two ambulatory shall wipe the table and pick up all the toys on the floor to put in a basket. Like the little dishes for condiments in cooking shows, I’ll have baskets for everything.
With the Sous method in place, I will be able to brush my hair and smile in my freshly laundered apron as I explain how to make dinner when all you have is frozen sausage, wheat pasta and peas. “You pick up the phone and dial 1-800-PIZZA ME!”
For those out there who don’t follow cooking shows –I’m a closet addict. Even when we didn’t have cable, when I’d be at a hotel, I watch them in a binge style fashion, trying to digest every tip and dish by channel surfing the Food Network, Every Day with Rachel Ray and whatever chef being showcased on Lifestyle. Between that and repeated watchings of Ratatouille, I learned a sous chef pre-prepares everything for the headlined chef. Measuring salt, cutting chives, defrosting the food, scoring the meat, peeling the garlic, that sort of thing that adds time and usually mess to cooking.
We don’t see a chef pondering…I have frozen sausage, peas, whole wheat pasta which the kids hate, no butter, no milk and we’re out of diet coke. What am I making for dinner?
We don’t see the chef on TV then feebly put the sausage, peas and wheat pasta together with a can of stewed tomatoes to earn universal displeasure. We don’t actually ever see the chefs sit down to eat more than a bite of their creations. Okay, so maybe we do have one thing in common.
I started studying the other Home tip shows and they have the equivalent of sous chefs for everything. When they are showing how to fold laundry better, their dryer is not overstuffed with towels. The load is small, manageable and no happy meal toys are pulled out of a sock melted and molded to the interior. Nothing is accidentally pink. The sous chef of washing and drying must have presorted and ensured that the wash was done before it became the size of a baby mastodon.
When the hosts of “Better TV for Women” kind of shows goes to the grocery store, her cart is organized, neat and does not have six boxes of mac&cheese, frozen waffles and canned pineapple. No. Her cart has shredded cheese, the makings for Swedish filled pancakes and fresh pineapple from Hawaii.
My cart overflows to a second cart. Lodged between the Ragu and the Laundry detergent, 12 pack of paper towels and size six and four and two diapers, there have been reported sightings of actual vegetables and fruits (Carrots, potatoes and bananas) and there is a large vat of ketchup. Her cart has brussel sprouts which will be braised in freshly bought balsamic vinegar with endive. She also has a perky little pint of kumquats for flavor and color and a large gallon size jug of vinegar –for cleaning, but I don’t see any serious supplies like SOS pads or toilet scrubbers.
Mine cost $231.47 and has fish sticks and will feed ten I hope for one week.
Hers has fresh fish, feeds four and will last one night. People who have sous chefs don't do frozen.
Our carts contents cost the same.
She pays in cash if they bother to show her checking out, where as I am the debit master, who then has to opt for a credit card because my debit card has decided it’s not feeling well today and won’t go through.
I want a sous chef life experience where I am the master chef. I want to live unharried, unhurried, unhasselled by undefrosted meats and undeterred by mere minor inconvient truths like picky eaters and budgets.
So starting today, I decided I need an army of sous chefs. I am going to train all my little darlings to be sous chefs in different areas of life and thus I will be the host of my own reality show. “Mothering the Sherry Way” or “Ten Children and How They Sous.”
In my fantasy reality tv show, the Oldest, every day will Sous the garbage in the house by patrolling the cans of the house. He also has the honor of helping with the lawn and providing free babysitting. "It's a sous thing." I'll explain. Next in line shall have the sousing of the bathrooms, wiping the counters and windexing the mirrors, securing toilet paper if necessary. The third shall sous the dishwasher, emptying it before next round of dishes are needed. The fourth shall sous the beds, making them. The fifth shall sous the kitchen floor with a vacuum. The youngest two ambulatory shall wipe the table and pick up all the toys on the floor to put in a basket. Like the little dishes for condiments in cooking shows, I’ll have baskets for everything.
With the Sous method in place, I will be able to brush my hair and smile in my freshly laundered apron as I explain how to make dinner when all you have is frozen sausage, wheat pasta and peas. “You pick up the phone and dial 1-800-PIZZA ME!”
Friday, April 15, 2011
World's Smallest Cross
Every so often it happens. Someone makes a comment about the size of our family and sometimes, it can be met with grace and charity, other times with a flip comment or two and the conversation either dies or moves on. At one point, a friend who knows me well and was present when another person who was new to the school was going on and on about my family's size, gave me a look like, "You going to put up with this?" Yes, because his wife was listening to my answer, which meant there was a possibility of being a better witness through less snark.
"Do you see all these people?" I asked the couple as I gestured to everyone who was at the event, people milling about bustling through everywhere. "I know them. Some of them for years. I know that there are some here who are enduring their husbands being stationed overseas in Iraq. I know that some of them lost their jobs or had to get new ones that were less secure. I know a woman here who is a widow and another who has just finished a year recovering from a painful divorce. Some of the people here have lost children or care for their parents who can't care for themselves. This is a real place with real people and as far as I can tell, I have the easiest cross of them all. I just have to love these ten people in my life well." Now that doesn't mean loving them or loving them well is always easy; only that from what I can know, it is the easiest cross around and I know I wouldn't want to trade my cross for anyone else's.
"Do you see all these people?" I asked the couple as I gestured to everyone who was at the event, people milling about bustling through everywhere. "I know them. Some of them for years. I know that there are some here who are enduring their husbands being stationed overseas in Iraq. I know that some of them lost their jobs or had to get new ones that were less secure. I know a woman here who is a widow and another who has just finished a year recovering from a painful divorce. Some of the people here have lost children or care for their parents who can't care for themselves. This is a real place with real people and as far as I can tell, I have the easiest cross of them all. I just have to love these ten people in my life well." Now that doesn't mean loving them or loving them well is always easy; only that from what I can know, it is the easiest cross around and I know I wouldn't want to trade my cross for anyone else's.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Even This
Back when I was pregnant for the second time, I read an article on how to break it to your existing child that a new kid was on the way. There was the example of how "Not" to do this, namely using an example of a wife. "Please be nice to the replacement wife. I'm sure you'll be best of friends in no time." We thought this very amusing and dubbed our first daughter "The Replacement baby." Every child since has received the same nickname. "Hey kids! Be good because the Replacement baby is under way!" Oddly enough with that introduction, transitions have not always been smooth.
For the first two weeks after she was born, our son was perfect. Then one day, he came to the top of the stairs and just wept. It was then he knew, this was a permanent addition and that his heart was being both broken and grown by the experience. A quick road trip with Dad for pancakes helped ease the blow.
We gave the oldest two fish when their sister was born so she was cool because she came with pets. Over the years we tried everything. Three times it was a bigger car, twice it was a move to a bigger place. But even well placed bribes didn't always blurt the trauma of the replacement baby. When I had our sixth child, the fifth decided our piano had too few sharps and flats so she colored in a few keys. Announcing we were expecting our seventh, our third's immediate response was "Oh no!" One child (who shall not be outed), in one week tried pouring juice independently and broke her bed via repeated jumping. One was an absolute angel until the newbie showed up. Then, he was otherwise; he's still working on forgiving us for that one.
We've tried gifts from the younger siblings, reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears (Every older child's fantasy of what Mom and Dad should do with the interloper who eats my food, breaks my things and takes over), and given special one on one time and tried to make each child know that they are still loved infinitely. Sometimes I use family lore; one of my uncles asked his father, which of his nine children did he love the best. He talked about how he lost his thumb and held up his hands. "You see I have 9 fingers," he said, "I love and need them all."
We have more people to love, we have more love to give. The funny thing about love is it is never halved by the addition of a person, it is always increased. For some of the older ones who struggle, we use theology to make the point. Jesus loved his twelve, how can we not love ten?
It just simply is the way God made all of us originally, and the way we are called to be though we all often miss the mark. As to the work/stress/chores/schedule/needs for this many, I just keep telling myself, with God, all things are possible...even this.
For the first two weeks after she was born, our son was perfect. Then one day, he came to the top of the stairs and just wept. It was then he knew, this was a permanent addition and that his heart was being both broken and grown by the experience. A quick road trip with Dad for pancakes helped ease the blow.
We gave the oldest two fish when their sister was born so she was cool because she came with pets. Over the years we tried everything. Three times it was a bigger car, twice it was a move to a bigger place. But even well placed bribes didn't always blurt the trauma of the replacement baby. When I had our sixth child, the fifth decided our piano had too few sharps and flats so she colored in a few keys. Announcing we were expecting our seventh, our third's immediate response was "Oh no!" One child (who shall not be outed), in one week tried pouring juice independently and broke her bed via repeated jumping. One was an absolute angel until the newbie showed up. Then, he was otherwise; he's still working on forgiving us for that one.
We've tried gifts from the younger siblings, reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears (Every older child's fantasy of what Mom and Dad should do with the interloper who eats my food, breaks my things and takes over), and given special one on one time and tried to make each child know that they are still loved infinitely. Sometimes I use family lore; one of my uncles asked his father, which of his nine children did he love the best. He talked about how he lost his thumb and held up his hands. "You see I have 9 fingers," he said, "I love and need them all."
We have more people to love, we have more love to give. The funny thing about love is it is never halved by the addition of a person, it is always increased. For some of the older ones who struggle, we use theology to make the point. Jesus loved his twelve, how can we not love ten?
It just simply is the way God made all of us originally, and the way we are called to be though we all often miss the mark. As to the work/stress/chores/schedule/needs for this many, I just keep telling myself, with God, all things are possible...even this.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Did I say that?
Memo: My computer is being retooled. (stupid virus). That leaves me precious little time on the old machine. Thus, you get a microwaved frozen leftover re-run from last summer. (Originally run on July 17, 2009). But, if you didn't read it last year, it's new to you. Enjoy!
“Don’t put stickers on the car door!”
“You shouldn’t play the piano with a toothbrush.”
“Please, give me the hammer back…Now!”
There are sentences that need no other explanation in the civilized world other than to say, “I am a parent.” Usually, they translate as imperatives that for all sentient beings, would never need be spoken.
Yet I have begun collecting them as samples of what my offspring require to survive 24 hours in my care. While on the phone with my brother, I heard similar utterances from him at his three children. “Put that down! Stop running into the window!” I started to laugh until I had to shout, “Don’t sit on the baby!” Now it was his turn, but we both recognized conversation was impossible and hung up.
My friends started giving me samples too. “What are you doing?” to a teenager stuffing an entire tortilla into his mouth in one swoop at ten minutes to six as she was serving dinner. “Who told you you could color your arm purple?” from a kindergarten mom. (It was picture day at school). “It’s a free dress day. I don’t have to wear my uniform.” was the child’s explanation. My personal favorite was “You made dinner?” from a third mother who said she’s still finding sauce stains in her kitchen from her fifth grader's experiment.
What is unsaid and unexplained about raising children often transcends what stories are told. Part of the omission is from personal shame. We can’t explain why our child had a three gallon water bottle in the middle of his room. We asked. He didn’t want to get up in the middle of the night to go the extra five feet to his bathroom sink to get a drink. We still don’t understand.
Part of it is the dim recognition that too much truth may be unbearable. Yes, she colored on the piano with a permanent black marker. Yes, he hid dirty clothes in a drawer until they fermented. Yes the toddler took a bite out of a tomato because she thought it was an apple and spiked the offending vegetable onto the newly clean floor. The amount of labor and property damage in those three sentences alone may be enough to doom the human race if universally disseminated.
When I asked my mom about these sorts of odd phrases that were coming out of my mouth as correctives of my children, she laughed and explained everything. “I told you about that when you were a kid...” “What was that? Mom? Hold on. Sweetie, stop squirting the instant mop on the wooden floor. Don’t pull your brother on a towel…”
“Mommmmm, we were playing sled.”
"What was that Mom?"
“See dear, you just weren’t listening.” My Mom answered over the phone.
It may be a dodge, but it’s a good dodge. I’m keeping it for when my kids have kids.
P.S. Today I said, and meant with all my heart, "Don't throw the cat at the chandelier." Son was tossing his beanie baby in the empty dining room and it got stuck. It's like they're secretly reading these posts!
“Don’t put stickers on the car door!”
“You shouldn’t play the piano with a toothbrush.”
“Please, give me the hammer back…Now!”
There are sentences that need no other explanation in the civilized world other than to say, “I am a parent.” Usually, they translate as imperatives that for all sentient beings, would never need be spoken.
Yet I have begun collecting them as samples of what my offspring require to survive 24 hours in my care. While on the phone with my brother, I heard similar utterances from him at his three children. “Put that down! Stop running into the window!” I started to laugh until I had to shout, “Don’t sit on the baby!” Now it was his turn, but we both recognized conversation was impossible and hung up.
My friends started giving me samples too. “What are you doing?” to a teenager stuffing an entire tortilla into his mouth in one swoop at ten minutes to six as she was serving dinner. “Who told you you could color your arm purple?” from a kindergarten mom. (It was picture day at school). “It’s a free dress day. I don’t have to wear my uniform.” was the child’s explanation. My personal favorite was “You made dinner?” from a third mother who said she’s still finding sauce stains in her kitchen from her fifth grader's experiment.
What is unsaid and unexplained about raising children often transcends what stories are told. Part of the omission is from personal shame. We can’t explain why our child had a three gallon water bottle in the middle of his room. We asked. He didn’t want to get up in the middle of the night to go the extra five feet to his bathroom sink to get a drink. We still don’t understand.
Part of it is the dim recognition that too much truth may be unbearable. Yes, she colored on the piano with a permanent black marker. Yes, he hid dirty clothes in a drawer until they fermented. Yes the toddler took a bite out of a tomato because she thought it was an apple and spiked the offending vegetable onto the newly clean floor. The amount of labor and property damage in those three sentences alone may be enough to doom the human race if universally disseminated.
When I asked my mom about these sorts of odd phrases that were coming out of my mouth as correctives of my children, she laughed and explained everything. “I told you about that when you were a kid...” “What was that? Mom? Hold on. Sweetie, stop squirting the instant mop on the wooden floor. Don’t pull your brother on a towel…”
“Mommmmm, we were playing sled.”
"What was that Mom?"
“See dear, you just weren’t listening.” My Mom answered over the phone.
It may be a dodge, but it’s a good dodge. I’m keeping it for when my kids have kids.
P.S. Today I said, and meant with all my heart, "Don't throw the cat at the chandelier." Son was tossing his beanie baby in the empty dining room and it got stuck. It's like they're secretly reading these posts!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Triumph is Not Mine
Every Thursday, Family& Faith Live celebrates the little victories that make life something beyond survival, that indicate the times when we come close to following Blessed Mother Teresa's mantra of doing the little things with great love.
Searching for something to say, I thought of my daughter being moved up in reading groups. I thought of my oldest son volunteering to take the bus in the morning so as to take the stress off of me this week when their dad is on a business trip. I thought of the financial aid woman who called me to let me know they were missing a paper I'd sent and to please send a new one, rather than simply discard my application for being incomplete.
Then there was the miracle of my youngest son, Paul. He has Down Syndrome as many of you know, and we just evaluated him for the upcoming year. Sometimes it seems to me as if he's listening in on the objectives and goals the teachers set for him. This week, he transferred a spoon from left to right. He also helped feed himself. He is pulling up in his crib. These were all things we were to be working on, and he has started without us.
My husband's cousin has been battling cancer for many years. She has suffered from the treatment greatly. Two days ago, she started bleeding internally. The ulcers in her intestine had ruptured. Prayers are still needed for her continuing recovery but the initial scare has passed.
So this week, there were miracles, big and small, even as there were failures and tragedies, big and small: a bad grade on a paper, fights and fits of temper, the devastation of Haiti, the madness that is politics, the tears of another mother as she struggled with her daughter's clinging at school, and fears of a friend over how out of control her life feels at the moment.
But I look at this past week, and how it has been. The Triumph was not mine; but I was blessed to witness them.
Have a Triumph to Share? Put it on your Blog, then link to Family & Faith Live, Small Successes Thursday. http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/blog/small/
Searching for something to say, I thought of my daughter being moved up in reading groups. I thought of my oldest son volunteering to take the bus in the morning so as to take the stress off of me this week when their dad is on a business trip. I thought of the financial aid woman who called me to let me know they were missing a paper I'd sent and to please send a new one, rather than simply discard my application for being incomplete.
Then there was the miracle of my youngest son, Paul. He has Down Syndrome as many of you know, and we just evaluated him for the upcoming year. Sometimes it seems to me as if he's listening in on the objectives and goals the teachers set for him. This week, he transferred a spoon from left to right. He also helped feed himself. He is pulling up in his crib. These were all things we were to be working on, and he has started without us.
My husband's cousin has been battling cancer for many years. She has suffered from the treatment greatly. Two days ago, she started bleeding internally. The ulcers in her intestine had ruptured. Prayers are still needed for her continuing recovery but the initial scare has passed.
So this week, there were miracles, big and small, even as there were failures and tragedies, big and small: a bad grade on a paper, fights and fits of temper, the devastation of Haiti, the madness that is politics, the tears of another mother as she struggled with her daughter's clinging at school, and fears of a friend over how out of control her life feels at the moment.
But I look at this past week, and how it has been. The Triumph was not mine; but I was blessed to witness them.
Have a Triumph to Share? Put it on your Blog, then link to Family & Faith Live, Small Successes Thursday. http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/blog/small/
Thursday, October 29, 2009
No one is Forcing You to Change
I know the President has said on many occasions that "If we like our current insurance policy, the government will not make us abandon it." He's said this in various ways and I believe he is sincere when he says this.
I also think about the fact that he has never run a business.
Most businesses are in the business of making money and most families are about turning out healthy happy capable adults. For the sake of this discussion, let's think of businesses as being like families, wanting to churn out happy customers and have a profit margin and succeed without being strung out by too many obligations or too many activities or too much overhead.
A business has operating costs. So does a family. A business will add to operating costs only if it is necessary to improve the business. It's called investment. Families add burdens of classes or an extra car to make the business of running a family easier, trading money for time or convenience or enrichment that will pay off both now in enjoyment and possibly later with a life skill.
There are some families who opt to put their children in Catholic schools and thus make an investment. They do not get to opt out of property taxes which pay for public schools. They do not re-coop on their investment of tax money fiscally, but believe the pay out of the extra cash for tuition,is worth it. After all, it's their kids.
Very very few businesses are going to say, "I want to pay taxes to finance the public option on top of paying for my own plan. While I was happy with the plan before there was a public option, now I must decide. Do I want to pay taxes for one health care policy I don't use in addition to offering one which I pay out of pocket pre-tax?" Very few businesses will want to pay double tuition as it were, taxes and private school even if they liked their plans before. Businesses, being about making money, will opt for the public option and only pay the tax once. With an additional tax if the plans they offered were premium, the businesses will say "No thank you." They're not going to say, "After all, it's my employees."
While no one is forcing them NOT to pay more, most of them will when given the option of not paying, will out of merely a sense of good business, opt for the public option.
While we may have liked our prior plans better, there will be no take it or leave it in this scenario. Businesses, being businesses, will opt for the public option that helps the bottom line, and so there will be no take it or leave it option, just "Take it."
I also think about the fact that he has never run a business.
Most businesses are in the business of making money and most families are about turning out healthy happy capable adults. For the sake of this discussion, let's think of businesses as being like families, wanting to churn out happy customers and have a profit margin and succeed without being strung out by too many obligations or too many activities or too much overhead.
A business has operating costs. So does a family. A business will add to operating costs only if it is necessary to improve the business. It's called investment. Families add burdens of classes or an extra car to make the business of running a family easier, trading money for time or convenience or enrichment that will pay off both now in enjoyment and possibly later with a life skill.
There are some families who opt to put their children in Catholic schools and thus make an investment. They do not get to opt out of property taxes which pay for public schools. They do not re-coop on their investment of tax money fiscally, but believe the pay out of the extra cash for tuition,is worth it. After all, it's their kids.
Very very few businesses are going to say, "I want to pay taxes to finance the public option on top of paying for my own plan. While I was happy with the plan before there was a public option, now I must decide. Do I want to pay taxes for one health care policy I don't use in addition to offering one which I pay out of pocket pre-tax?" Very few businesses will want to pay double tuition as it were, taxes and private school even if they liked their plans before. Businesses, being about making money, will opt for the public option and only pay the tax once. With an additional tax if the plans they offered were premium, the businesses will say "No thank you." They're not going to say, "After all, it's my employees."
While no one is forcing them NOT to pay more, most of them will when given the option of not paying, will out of merely a sense of good business, opt for the public option.
While we may have liked our prior plans better, there will be no take it or leave it in this scenario. Businesses, being businesses, will opt for the public option that helps the bottom line, and so there will be no take it or leave it option, just "Take it."
Friday, January 2, 2009
Be it Never So Humble, This is Our Home
In the cosmic struggle between order and chaos that takes place on a daily basis on the great battlefield known as my home, the one sure loser is the house.
When we moved into our latest residence, I kept waiting for the Posh police to come by and forcibly evict us. "I'm sorry, you folks exceed the toddler tolerance policy as prescribed by fancy homes everwhere. You will have to leave."
Slowly, the house had to acclimate to the plethora of grubby fingers that left marks on walls and door knobs. The ceiling had to come to terms with th occasional super ball that would bounce against it and the airplanes that sometimes glided from the second floor onto the crown molding. Wooden floors found themselves tasked with children engaged in sock skating and carpets have found themselves, the home of more than 1000 legos. The gourmet kitchen served toasted waffles and peanut butter and jelly on an almost daily basis, and the showers had little mermaid, army men, tub tints and bath crayons, bubble bath and monkey shower curtains.
We tried fancier bedding, furniture and lighting, but twelve bulging laundry baskets frequently injured any ambiance the large master bedroom. The plastic portable infant tub, port-a-potty and toddler bath chair in the master bath also hampered any air of sophistication that our home might otherwise have.
Late at night, I swore I could hear the joists and the beams of the house creaking and moaning, "Where are the Eglands?" "When are you coming back?"
Two years into home ownership, I bought a shoe organizer and a closet now looks like it might possibly not be taxed beyond physical capacity as a result. One room down, fifteen to go. At this rate, the house will be in perfect order in thirty years, by which time, I hope the house is wondering, "Where did everybody go?"
When we moved into our latest residence, I kept waiting for the Posh police to come by and forcibly evict us. "I'm sorry, you folks exceed the toddler tolerance policy as prescribed by fancy homes everwhere. You will have to leave."
Slowly, the house had to acclimate to the plethora of grubby fingers that left marks on walls and door knobs. The ceiling had to come to terms with th occasional super ball that would bounce against it and the airplanes that sometimes glided from the second floor onto the crown molding. Wooden floors found themselves tasked with children engaged in sock skating and carpets have found themselves, the home of more than 1000 legos. The gourmet kitchen served toasted waffles and peanut butter and jelly on an almost daily basis, and the showers had little mermaid, army men, tub tints and bath crayons, bubble bath and monkey shower curtains.
We tried fancier bedding, furniture and lighting, but twelve bulging laundry baskets frequently injured any ambiance the large master bedroom. The plastic portable infant tub, port-a-potty and toddler bath chair in the master bath also hampered any air of sophistication that our home might otherwise have.
Late at night, I swore I could hear the joists and the beams of the house creaking and moaning, "Where are the Eglands?" "When are you coming back?"
Two years into home ownership, I bought a shoe organizer and a closet now looks like it might possibly not be taxed beyond physical capacity as a result. One room down, fifteen to go. At this rate, the house will be in perfect order in thirty years, by which time, I hope the house is wondering, "Where did everybody go?"
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